Auteur Watch - Tim Burton

Well, who better to celebrate on Halloween than Mr. Halloween himself, Tim Burton? His favorite decade? Gotta be the go-go 80s, but I'm sure even he wishes Michael Keaton would stop calling. Yeah, Beetle Juice and Pee Wee's Big Adventure, so many people to disavow knowing later on, but ol' Tim was lean and hungry and learning Disney's secrets so he could make a fortune in their shadows, thematically and literally.
And I guess I better leave Lisa Marie out of this as well. Anyway, the main thing is this rumor floating around about ol' Timmy boy directing Pirates 4. And since MTV's not going to clear this one up for us like they did with the whole Pink Floyd / Wizard of Oz thing, let me just deal with it by saying this: Tim! Don't do it! Three was enough! Unless you really, REALLY wanna go for it and put some kind of macabre R-rated spin on it, just keep going about your regular schedule. He's already got a full plate, folks! The feature-length version of Frankenweenie, Alice in Wonderland (that one's filming as we speak, so to speak), Dark Shadows ... Ooh! I didn't even get to the best part. My segues have been suffering lately. But those last two are also with Johnny Depp, as Pirates 4 would be. Which begs the question: I mean, it's a great collaboration between star and director, but is it up there with the great collaborations? Like James Stewart and Frank Capra? Or James Stewart and Henry Koster? I know, let's get a little more recent. Okay, ya little smartass. Soderbergh and Clooney, six if you don't count The Limey. Richard Donner and Mel Gibson? Six, soon to be seven. Woody Allen and Tony Roberts have worked together six times. Scorsese and DeNiro? Eight, soon to be nine. But really, they all pale in comparison to the greatest actor-director collaboration ever: Charles Bronson and J. Lee Thompson. Look at that resumé! Gather the whole family around, buy the 9 DVD pack from Costco, fire up some damn microwave popcorn, and enjoy! I gotta go....

Bernanke!

Oh, doesn't he remind you of Bernanke? Am I the only one? All right.
Seriously, though, how about this credit crunch, huh? At least we're taking the rest of the world with us, or as much of it as we can. The way things are going, the NASDAQ's going to be higher than the Dow! Am I right, Krugman? But you wouldn't know it looking at Hollywood. Oh, Disney's having its best quarter ever! Not even with the high-end stuff! They're eating up the cheap crap now, too! Cool. Very cool.
Starting with Tyler Perry's High School Musical 3. Actually, Tyler had nothing to do with it, but I'll bet he wishes he did! Well, sorry, Ty, but they call it Flavor of the Month for a reason.
So that for the kiddies, and Saw V for the teens. Coming in at only #2, the Saw franchise keeps right on chugging along. Oh, if only Dr. Giggles was coming out now, right, Manny? So now that there's been five Saw movies, does that qualify it for the big Versus sweepstakes? Can it take on the winner of Freddy v. Jason? Or Halloween v. Hellraiser? Help me out here, horror nerds.
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Well, for those of you who are statistics fans, and I know there are a lot of you out there, at this point there's the type of drop-off in the numbers we usually see when Spielberg's got a movie coming out. This worries me because the pattern's asserting itself with wimpy numbers! Falling from 30.5 to 7.6! This will not stand! Oh, but reality is a harsh mistress, and stand the data shall, as we go to this week's #3, Max Payne at ... 7.6 million dollars. How's Marky Mark supposed to eat? Speaking of which, #4 goes to the dogs as Beverly Hills Chihuahua slowly makes its way to the video shelves. Rounding out the top 5 is this week's THIRD and final newbie, Pride and Glory. Only three? Another sign of the times. Well, it's good that Norton's getting more work than ever now, but please. Copland 3? Departed 2? What is this? Devil's Own 1 1/2? State of Grace 5? Gimme a sign, fellas!
-+-*-+-
As for the rest, well, they're pretty much the same as last week, just in free fall. They've pretty much kept the same order, except Quarantine's pulling ahead of Body of Lies. Two weeks ago, Quarantine was at #2, with Body of Lies at #3. Then last week, BoL was at #6, but Q pulled ahead to #7! And now BoL is ninth, with Q coming in 10th. Good hustle, kid! Bees, Dubya and Eagle, however, are holding steady in their respective places, as all of these things are slowly getting purged from the theaters. As Moe once told Homer, "Homer, my customers are soberin' up! And they ain't gonna stick around for the ambiance!" ...Hah! Found the link. And it's time to go. Let me know if I forgot anything...

WDYWFU Cinema: Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Suitable Ending

Well, Spielberg, I know you tried.
But after X number of drafts with more screenwriters than the legendary Flintstones movie, there was STILL too much to live up to. Kinda like what happened to Terminator 3. Indeed, how do you push the boundaries any more? The only way, really, is to spend decades making a film, shooting actors over a period of years so we can see how they age over the course of the film. And you'll have to take it a step further, running RenderMan and Massive on Cray supercomputers for months and months. Something like that. If nothing else, there's more to re-watch here than Lethal Weapon 4.
In the meantime, not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I'm afraid I have to join that category of critics who say ... what do they say? The series ends with a whimper? That's it. Apparently, even Temple of Doom's standing has risen! Oh, that's not good. For me, it's the plot holes. Even though there's the old jokes and all ("What are you, like, 80?" Priceless!), Indy at 62 can STILL trade punches with the baddest bad-ass. And the atomic refrigerator, I'm sorry, I think that's where you first lost me. Or maybe the warehouse. I think Indy was a little slow dodging all those bullets. Thank goodness the Russkies are lousy shots.
Also, the film doesn't go far enough in conflating McCarthyism with our current civil rights dilemma. Or too far, one or the other. Let's face it, the powers that be just get lazy, and find that spreading fear is the easiest way to maintain control over the populace. I did like the magnet effects, though! Those were good! And John Hurt was funny. One of my viewing companions complained that the script was too complicated. Okay, maybe not Batman Begins complicated, but still complicated. I guess I agree, but that's what the plot holes are for: to air out an otherwise complicated script. But I think I got the gist of it the first go-round myself.
So, as the film's second most staunch defender, I hereby declare I'm going to lay low for a while. But for those of you who question the monkeys, let me just say that a) it just brings the series on home, and b) it's funny! Shia and the monkey have the same hairdo! Duh! Yes, with the CGI revolution leaving us all behind, the best you can say about the final Indiana Jones is that it stays true to itself, its old bookish dorky self. Lots of puzzle-solving, lots of aiding and abetting the enemy in search of the treasure... I dunno! He helps the Russkies find the crate, interprets the Akator map for them, I'm just saying. And I must say I kinda felt sorry for Cate Blanchett, I don't know why. Not fatale enough of a femme, I guess. She does what she can, though. Has she made it onto any Maxim top 100 lists? If not, good.
Okay, I think I've trashed the movie all I care to. Just remember, kids. No matter what happens, marriage is the ultimate adventure. ...right?

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

All right, let's get it over with...

You know, "it doesn't go far enough" is a criticism you hear all too often these days. Especially when it comes to movies about the Iraq war, or the current administration. Because let's face it, movies more and more are being affected by politics. Some of you might have noticed it in the go-go 90s with movies like Dave, Murder at 1600, or Absolute Power having to do with the president's mistress. Don't you miss those days?
Nowadays, if a movie doesn't get the President impeached, it's no good. For example, in Revenge of the Sith, when Mace Windu says that the one dude controls the Senate and the courts. Nothin'! And critics said that Charlie Wilson's War wasn't enough of a biting satire. In the Valley of Elah doesn't go far enough into the valley. Rendition didn't torture enough. Lions for Lambs, well, I guess that one went too far.
And so here we are, and we got W. Man, this President can't even have a #1 hit. Critics have called it a TV-movie quality production, which I think is unfair. Still, I couldn't help but think of The Final Cut, where crowds protest that people's recorded lives can be so sanitized, that the worst war criminal's life can be edited to make him or her look like a saint. That's what I think we got here, folks. Bush family lite. They don't seem so bad in this movie, but trust me, they're not good people. Even for a rich family they're pretty scrummy.
Ollie's assembled a fine cast, nevertheless. Thandie Newton was a hoot. Toby Jones did better as a strangely underweight Karl Rove than I thought: he may be Turd Blossom, but he has one Johnny Casper moment, where he tells Dubya "That's right, Dubya. You're the big shot around here, and I'm just some shnook who likes to get slapped around." Something like that. And of course James Cromwell as the elder Bush. Guess they couldn't get Dana Carvey. Oh well. Dare I say, Oscar nominations? Probably not as many as Network, but whaddayagonna do.
And the man, Josh Brolin, holds his own and holds the film together as George W. Bush. A man forever doomed to live the life of the family's black sheep. Oh, why couldn't you be more like Neil? I guess that's about all one can say... at least, I can say. The film seemed a little long, especially after Cheney's big scene in the middle of the film: Dubya may not be a smart man, but even he knows it's a bad idea for Cheney to say what's on his mind. Kinda kills the mood in the room. After that point, we get the idea. Dubya screws up, father intervenes. Gets kinda monotonous after a while.
I guess the critics are right when they say it's Dubya's greatest hits, just slightly out of context. I've seen that clip so many times of what's been called the 16 words that changed everything. Brolin shoulda studied that one extra close: "...Saddam sought significant quantities of uranium... from Africa." So many quotes left to include, like the dictatorship one, or the one where Dubya says "Some call you the elites, I call you my base." Or when he's sitting there reading My Pet Goat on 9/11. Or when he said "The unexamined life is really not worth living". No wait, that was Socrates. But all the high-end reviews of W. are going to have this line in it, trust me!
Yes, compared to JFK and Nixon, Stone rounds out his Presidential Trilogy with a bit of a whimper, but I guess it fits the subject matter well enough. I guess it was just bad timing: why go to the theaters to pay to see something people are trying to ignore for free? But I'm sure Oliver Stone will work again. Coming up next: he will complete the Presidential Quartet with LBJ starring Steven Seagal. Also, he's going to beat the Farrellys to the punch with his own Three Stooges pic. The cast? Al Pacino as Moe, Charles Barkley as Curly, and perhaps most controversial, Steven Wright as Larry. Fingers crossed for Bill Maher as Shemp!... I gotta go.

p.s. oh yeah, forgot the star rating. I'll say,
***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

p.p.s. Good article on John McCain, but it probably won't change your mind.

Auteur Watch - Gina Prince-Bythewood

I don't know. From the looks of her IMDb mini-biography, I'm detecting some kind of self-righteous vibe. I mean, where's the normal human flaws that your average director exhibits? Where's the overeating of a Kevin Smith? Or the extreme dieting of a Peter Jackson? The Friedkin starter pistol? Spike Lee knows what I'm talking about. Oh, sure, there were her Dave Chappelle go-go 90s, but clearly she sold her soul after that. No more of that comedy kids' stuff, it's time to grow up, do feature films and be a man... woman. Besides, she doesn't need this crap. She coulda been the next Mary Decker!
So it's hard to say which decade Gina prefers: the lean-and-hungry 90s, or the flush-with-success 2000s. Probably the 2000s. She hit #1 with Love & Basketball. And the critics seemed to like it too. Clearly, Sanaa Lathan is supposed to be Gina, am I right? Gina hasn't been able to remake it since with the proper leading lady, but she is back on the radar with The Secret Life of Bees, no question. It's a period piece set in 1964, but clearly it has much resonance for today's economic crunch. Soon enough we'll all be heading to our local apiary with a heart for our honey fix. But Gina's not afraid to do the occasional TV job, with guest directing shots for the likes of Bernie Mac and Chris Rock. Here's hoping the silver screen beckons full time, huh? That's where the big bucks are.

The Vids Have It

Oh, those damn video games. Where's that Pac-Man movie I've been waiting for? They got a pinball version of Pac-Man, for God's sake! Anyway, as I should've figured, people are ready to laugh again, and Max Payne reigns triumphant this week at the Box Office. I coulda sworn W. was going to take top honors this week. Man, that guy can't do anything right. But let's hear it once again for Max Payne. And a brief shout-out to Beau Bridges; somehow I don't think he'll get the kudos that Jeff got for Iron Man. Oh well. Keep tryin', buddy!
Meanwhile, Beverly Hills Chihuahua slips to #2. Had to happen sometime. Bees is right behind at #3. Not bad for a chick flick! It's this century's Fried Green Tomatoes.
One last word on W.: Oscar noms? Or will it get the Brokeback Mountain treatment? Nominated like crazy but ultimately left at the altar...
Rounding out the top 5 it's Eagle Eye. Man, I thought that thing would never come down. Hang in there, Shia. There's always Transformers 2, and Shaker Heights 2: The Next Day!
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#6 brings us Body of Lies. Sorry, guys, more people could get in to see Max Payne instead for an action fix.
A brief Shout-Out to Jermaine Jackson... oh, wait. Different one, I guess. And he's in Quarantine at #7. #8 is Nick and Norah... don't they know that most relationships, where the two people have the same letter in their first name, are DOOMED? Doomed, I tells ya! I read that in Cosmopolitan this week. And speaking of doomed, Rodanthe is at #10, almost gone. And we're almost gone, but before we go, let's scrutinize the FOURTH newbie this week: Sex Drive. This century's Road Trip, as if we needed another one. Well, as I thought, it did slightly better than College. Slightly better, and I think you can thank Scott Evil and Cyclops for that. See, College, you gotta have some stars to make some money. Not that Drake Bell isn't good. I swear that Josh Zuckerman's using a phony name. That's Andy Garcia's kid, right? Gotta be! Just gotta be. Oh well, it'll be gone soon enough. Time to hit the itchy hay.

Auteur Watch: Raja Gosnell

Welcome to the Movie Hooligan blog! In case this is your first time here, this is our segment called Auteur Watch, where we profile film directors, see where they came from, and speculate on where they're headed. In the case of Raja Gosnell, straight to the top. Now, I know some of you out there are probably reading this and thinking to yourself, Raja? TERRORIST! And normally, you'd be right. Oh, but look at the photos of him. That's right, it's a dude's name. Why, you could hardly pick him out at an airport, could you?
If you did see him at the airport, you might notice from his body language a confident stride. That's because his latest triumph is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Oh sure, it's in IMDb's Bottom 100, right down there with Fat Slags and Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos used to be at #1, but as you might guess, this half of the list is a little more chaotic than the top 250. Anyway, the bottom 250 list is just a love letter, really. The big number that matters? Two weeks in a row at #1! Read Variety sometime, you'll know what I mean.
Ah, but it's all familiar territory for Raja. Born in the (Los Angeles) winter of 1958 to Beverly and Ray Gosnell Jr., the movie business was his backyard. As you can see from father Ray's resumé, quality was pumped into Raja's head at an early age. Look at those films! Guess who's coming to Dinner, The Sting, Paper Moon, Mooch Goes to Hollywood. All classics. Raja's life gets a little fuzzy after that, as I'm too lazy to look up his Wikipedia entry... oh, all right. Hmm! Not much there either. And I don't like the fact that Raja's IMDb entry doesn't have anything that says son of Ray and Beverly. It's a two-way street, you know.
Starting out in the biz as an editor, things were slow, editing films like The Lonely Guy and Teen Wolf, Too (the good one). That is, until he got hooked up to the John Hughes / Christopher Columbus film school with... ta da! Home Alone! 12 weeks at #1! His turn to direct, right? Wrong! Back to the editing deck with you, squidly. Yeah, but my dad is... yeah, yeah, we don't care who your dad was, get back to your film glue and your non-digital sound and shut up. And that was how it was until Nine Months came and went. Didn't stick around as long as Home Alone, did it?
Anyway, after Nine Months in 1995, and unsure if he wanted to stay in this cruddy biz, something happened. Perhaps a chance meeting with Saul Bass or Stuart Baird? Someone to look him square in the face and say, "I've got three words for you, Raja: Go for it, go for it, go for it. Max out those credit cards and make a damn movie. And don't be kind to anyone on your way to the top, in case you have to come back down."
Ah, but it's tough to do even that in Hollywood. Fortunately there was a job opening, and soon enough, Home Alone 3 was a Raja Gosnell joint. The crisp editing was the first thing the critics noticed. From there it was a steady climb, Never Been Kissed, Big Momma's House? And then, the first big hit, Scooby Doo. 54 million opening weekend! Some people would put that on a chart showing the gradual decline of American literacy, mostly bookish liberal types on TV. I thought we got rid of those kinds! Anyway, even in Hollywood you can't argue with numbers. And Raja showed he wasn't one of those artiste types who wasn't afraid to do a sequel, and out came Scooby Doo Too. Not as profitable as the first, but at least he won't have to direct the third one. Took another bit of a dive with the family comedy, Yours, Mine and Ours (YMO). Guess the Cheaper by the Dozen train left sooner than you would of hoped.
But that's all behind Raja now, what with the triumph of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. So now that all his dreams have come true, what's next for Raja? Every director takes a long break at some point. Some to enter a new phase of their career, some to start a whole new studio, but not Raja. Up next on the resumé, Twist. What's it about?
Ah, who cares. As long as it's not an 80s flashback.

Top Dog Again!!!

Dang! Must be a slow market this week at the box office. Me, though, I had a feeling director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua Raja Gosnell had it in him. In fact, time for another episode of Auteur Watch... in a moment. First let us dwell briefly on the #1 movie this week, the movie that Paris Hilton called... actually, I don't know what she called it! You would think she would think it's hot. I mean, it was kind of inspired by her and that little rat she always carries around, right? Or maybe she's from the Nancy Kerrigan school, finding most things Disney to be distasteful. So corny, so dumb, remember? It should be in her Wikipedia entry... Yup! That's my girl!

Clocking in at #2, it's just one of FIVE, count 'em, five new entries this week, and it's Quarantine, about a ... quarantine. Probably of vampires. They're everywhere these days. Close enough; I just checked the description. And it of course heralds another new sibling team of filmmakers, the Dowdles! Tell you what, your next film will get you an Auteur Watch, guys.
At #3, Ridley Scott's latest, Black Hawk Down 2: Body of Lies. Boy! Even the CIA's taking a PR hit these days. This is hardly the progressive workplace of Spy Game or the first Bourne movie... something like that. Bad timing, Rid. Just bad timing. You shoulda released it a couple weeks earlier, beaten those Coen brother bastards to the punch. Meanwhile, two oldies round out the top 5, and they are ... ah, who cares.
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And now, the lower half. At #6, The Express, the latest PG movie, only this one, like I'll Fly Away, features the ol' vintage 1950s racism! If you're into that sort of thing. Now, a close friend of mine has gone on record saying they don't want to see anything that Dennis Quaid is in anymore. Not me, though. You're still on my list, Dennis. I just probably won't see this one in general. Meanwhile Rodanthe Nights and Appaloosa hang in there. Oscar noms, guys? Yeah, I think so.
At #9, it's The Duchess. Well, I hope Keira saved some of that Pirates money, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for the fourth one. In the meantime, why not do a road pic with Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder? Who could be the fourth?

And finally, the contentious #10 spot. I apologize for my mistake earlier. I was going off old data which had our fifth newbie City of Ember at #10, but apparently Fireproof was hanging on with more fingers. Praise Jesus! Oh my church life and my movie life are coming together so beautifully! Seriously, though, I do feel sorry for those Christians who spend all Sunday at church, and whose cultural life consists solely of Kirk Cameron movies for the adults, VeggieTales for the kids. I think Jesus is letting them down, big time. And speaking of Jesus, Sex Drive is coming out soon. Sorry if I spelled it wrong. Where will they succeed where College failed? Only 36 more hours til we find out!!

WDYWFU Cinema: Ed Wynn's Wonder Emporium

I like a G movie, as Edith Ann used to say. Or do I? Being a postmodern, post-Lord of the Rings neo-cineluddite, forever after numb to all that is good and wholesome in this world, I am guaranteed to have extra contempt in my heart for something like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, right?
Well, not at first, if that makes you feel any better. At least it wasn't based on some crappy kid's book first, I give 'em bonus points for that.

And now, time for Screenplay Structures 101:

Opening credits: Not as anarchic or retro as Monsters, Inc. Again, maybe I'm jaded, but surely they could've come up with an opening credits sequence a little more fantastical. A little more befitting the sense of wonderment that's sure to follow.
Time of Transition: SPOILERS - We start with a story about a magical toy shop, named after the film's title. (It's too late to retype the hwole damn thing.) And we see how the operation works, and we learn a little about the store's owner and his cheerful yet beleaguered assistant, Molly Mahoney. So, with the introductions aside, we find out that Magorium is "leaving". Dying? Well, sort of like that. But he's going to act as his own Kevorkian, by God.
Oh yeah, and Magorium hires an accountant. A real stuffed shirt, played by the now ubiquitous Jason Bateman. What did I just see him in? And right there the audience is split. Who will drag us into the story: the accountant, or Magoo's plucky assistant? Or for the kids, the weird kid with the hat collection? Too many avatars to choose from.

Enigma: Or MacGuffin, as Roger Ebert calls it. The stuff that dreams are made of, sweetheart. Only, it's not that thing that everyone's trying to steal from one another. It's not that kind of movie. No, it's that thing, that living breathing metaphor, that physical symbol of hope for a better tomorrow. It's either an object that starts off as useless but gains meaning by the end of the movie, or it's something you have to start building and finish by the last reel. The best example of the latter is the thing that Charlie Sheen decides to build in Cadence, and I know the eggheads over at Maxim will agree with me. Coming in at a close second, the model ship in Small Soldiers. In the instant case, it's a big wooden cube. Now what kinduva toy is that? Well, I'm sorry, but if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're just gonna have to suffer like I did.

Cameos and product placements abound. The magic Slinkies were good. Somebody's been waiting for years for a Slinky to do that; probably just me! Anyway, the Simpsons hadn't got to it yet. An odd mix of toys real and imagined in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Brio? The world's largest kickball? And c'mon. That Abe Lincoln made of Lincoln Logs, that brought a smile to your face, Gen X, right? And of course, my old pal Hi Ho Kermit the Frog. I get the feeling he wrote his own material for this one.

As near as I can tell, the special effects are first rate and seamless, although Magorium's final departure looked a bit like the Le Studio Canal vanity logo. And even though the toy store is a place of infinite joy, the film's budget is limited. No wonder we spent so much time on the dialogue between the 'Mutant' and the kid, writing notes to each other through a glass window! But the end does provide a scene of crowded wonderment, and younger audiences will want to rewind that one a couple times to see what they missed the first couple times. As for the owner of the toy store dying, well, isn't that part of the kindergarten curriculum these days? Carpe diem and memento mori, you little brats!

Good double bill with: The Last Mimzy

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

So! 'Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World' vs. 'The Kingdom': Which kicks more ass?

Well, there I go again. Two seemingly disparate movies: one an R-rated actioner, one a PG-13 rated comedy; must've been the drug use part. But they're similar in some respects: they're both about Americans foraying into the Muslim half of the world, both have trouble negotiating the various cultural barriers, and both kind of lose their way and don't know what to do with the material. Of course the Spike TV / Maxim / GQ - Details magazine crowd (Hey! Anybody remember Details magazine? Is it even in print anymore?) will tell you right away that, duh! It's a no-brainer, The Kingdom kicks more ass. What are you, gay? I of course, respectfully disagree, for I do not judge the kick-ass-edess of a movie based on its bullet count. Pink Cadillac is apparently a comedy, but it's sure got a lot of semi-automatic gunplay in it, but I digress. Let's take it one at a time...

CSI: SAUDI ARABIA, OR MICHAEL MANN, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Not being good enough for Mann to direct, he gets up-and-coming wunderkind Peter Berg to take over. Somehow I had a bad feeling when he was in the crucial scene at the beginning.
Like Lord of War slightly before it, does The Kingdom live up to its opening credit sequence? Here's how the star system broke down for me. As I started watching, three and a half stars. As the commercials portrayed it, could this be the Syriana of Saudi Arabia? And SPOILERS: the opening credits certainly looked like it, providing a brief history of the last 100 years or so in that country's history. Then the film proper begins. Then the questions started coming. Are they REALLY going to let FBI agents go into Saudi Arabia to investigate a bombing? Are they REALLY going to let Big Lips go over there? Is somebody REALLY going to use Saudi corruption hitting the papers as a bargaining chip to go over there a whole lot faster? The questions died off for a while. And then, the gunplay begins. Down to 3 stars. Then the WWE-style body slamming started happening. Down to 2 and a half stars. Then Bateman gets taken hostage. Two stars. I'll leave it at that.
First of all, Academy Award winner Chris Cooper is wasted in his role. But, a paycheck's a paycheck. Second, Saudi Arabia is not Iraq. Remember when Michael Moore stood in front of their embassy a little too long? Or maybe I'm just being ignorant. As for the American colony living over there in the shadow of Big Oil, I'm reminded of when Moe the bartender gives Homer a free beer and Barney says "Wow! You didn't give a free beer to those freed Iranian hostages!" to which Moe replies "Ah, they shouldn't have been over there in the first place." I didn't even see the ending. How does it end?
**

IRANIANS FOR ALBERT
Well, it's been a while, but let me just say I'm a fan of Brooks' work. I'm torn between Mother and Defending Your Life in regards to which is his best work. Mother was pretty sweet, and Defending Your Life is arguably the seminal film of the new Spiritual age in film. So I know ol' Albert strives for quality work. I'll even forgive Fred Thompson being in the film. I know he tried hard here but the film kinda doesn't know where to go with the premise. His wide-eyed assistant, though. It's a breakthrough performance; maybe ... ah, forget it. She's American.
Hard to say if the film's healed the schism between our two cultures, but I must say that Albert's heading off into a dangerous direction. First he badmouths Adam Sandler. Then, there's this quote on his IMDb entry: "... We export films that are full of sleazy [penis] jokes and toilet humor - that's why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan... " First of all, that's America's bread and butter you're talking about, my friend! In terms of countries, we're the loud frat boy party animal. The world looks to us for leadership in that domain. Guess it won't be long before Albert's whipping his wife for showing too much ankle. And if you're going to attack Adam Sandler, start with Rob Schneider, then work your way up.
By the way, John Carpenter called. He wants his font back.

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

The series continues ...

Down and Out in Beverly Hills...
Troop Beverly Hills...
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills 90210...
Beverly Hills Ninja...
The Slums of Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy...
Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills...

I think that's all of 'em. In any case, we've got the latest in the series. Only a matter of time before Costco's got a 20-pack of these shrink-wrapped. Hey! It'd be a lot more compact if you put a hundred of 'em in one of those 100-pack DVD or CD cylinders. Yes, it's all part of the Disney revival. Oh sure, they're down every once in a while, but when they're up, they're up. And the cryonically frozen head of Walt Disney spins a little faster as it awaits the arrival of a nice fresh donor body. Preferably one of those bodybuilder types. Man or woman will do at this point. Where was I? Oh yeah! The MOVIE! I guess this means it's time to do Auteur Watch: Raja Gosnell. Right, Raja? You dood it again, buddy!
In close second, Eagle Eye. Yawn; no surprise. And debuting at #3 is Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Does it live up to the title? It's my biggest lawsuit since my suit against the movie The NeverEnding Story. Plus, the whole "Pretend to be my boyfrined" bit. Oh yeah, girls've been doing that to me for YEARS. Been there, lived that!
So BHC and Nick and Norah pretty much got the Rom-Com thing all sewed up, right? Not so! At #4 it's Nights in Rodanthe, which I guess is unintentionally a Rom-Com, and at #5 we got Appaloosa, a manly western. I hate to use the word hardcore here... what's a more appropriate word? Something less cliché than 'old school'. Fresh words, please! Rugged! That's it. At least, it was rugged, until she came along. Chick flick!
Awright, another week of box office eventually disposed of. What's to come next week? I mean, tomorrow? Probably that Body of Lies thing. Man, some bigshot producer plunked down some coin to make THAT.

Auteur Watch - Alex Kendrick

Reporting for duty! All right, let's get on with it. Well, there's not much about Father Alex on the IMDb, but Wikipedia's got the dirt! And all the hyperlinks you could want... not me, though. I'm far too busy already as it is. But guess what ladies? He's single! ...oh, right.

...Whoa! I must've just incurred the wrath of Jesus, because my web browser just started multiplying fruitfully! You ever do that thing where you hold the Shift key and click a link? Well, it opened one new window. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another.
Get the idea? And I was like, omg! Who's hacking my computer? I'm not covered for that kind of thing. I hope it's just regular Windows kludginess at work here.

Anyway, back to the post, just like I promised previously. Now, Alex has helmed three movies here, Flywheel, Facing the Giants, and Fireproof. The 3 Fs, as we call it in the biz. I guess the coach in Facing the Giants doubles as the Pastor. But then I notice the budgets of these films: Flywheel cost $20,000 to make, Giants cost $10,000, but Fireproof jumps through the roof at a whopping $500,000! What, did Kirk get $480,000 or something? What makes him so special? As a loyal member of your church, Mr. Kendrick, I demand some accountability! Where exactly are my weekly collections plate dollars going? I want them going to God, not Holly-weird! In the meantime, take note, Rodriguez! You could learn a thing or two from this guy about budgets, Mr. $7,000 Budget!

Kendrick sweeped the Sabaoth Film Festival for Flywheel in 2003. Nothing in terms of awards since. Must be nice being a newbie for once, though, huh?
Guess that's about all I have to say about that. Let me know if I forgot anything.

Box Office Bottleneck, pt. 1

More disturbing trends yet. This rise of the anti-secular box office is a little off-putting, to say the least (TSTL). I mean, if not for Religulous (#10) and Burn After Reading (#7), who knows what else would be knocking at #1's door? Fred Ashman's Proud American? Meanwhile we have the anti-Michael Moore screed, An American Carol. If this lasts another week, Chris Farley's brother is going to change his name to Jim Belushi. And Fireproof goes to town with one gold piece and brings back 3.99 million. So I say unto thee, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. And I owe you an Auteur Watch, as promised.
Seriously, though, I'm always in favor of films that promote discussion, especially when I talk to people who tell me how defective my brain is if I don't see things their way. Republicans and Jesus freaks! Lord protect me from your followers! Moving on to #6 it's Lakeview Terrace, a pro-Daryl Gates screed that ... oh, wait. It's not that bad, but I still ain't gonna see it. Sorry, Samuel L. But I will see that new one you got coming out, The Five Heartbeats pt. 2 I think it's called.
And I'm spent.

All 'Choke' 'd up: The Black Market Box Office

You know, people ask me all the time, "But Movie Hooligan! I thought you just reviewed movies! Why cover something as shallow as the Top 10?" You know, I've often asked myself that question. Maybe it's routine, maybe it's like a workout at the gym, maybe it's a slap in the face to independent cinema and more needless gladhanding of the slick oiling of the Hollywood machine. But you can't deny that it's ... something. Man, I wish I were a better writer. Of words.
We'll save that philosophical dilemma for another time. Meantime, I still gotta do my duty for my fitful readers. And you know what, faithful reader? Variety called it a bottleneck. That's a good word for it, indeed. This plague of fresh meat is choking us all! It's getting so's a regular film can't even crack the Top 10 anymore! Where's all the crap I saw advertised on the TV? Where's Choke? Where's Blindness? Where's Flash of Genius? Where's How to Lose Friends and Alienate People? Kirsten Dunst, for God's sake! KIRSTEN DUNST!! She was Elizabeth the First, you know!
Not to mention all those other films that barely made it on to the Top 10, then disappeared faster than a globule of water in a frying pan, skating over the bubbling oil within. Like Spike Lee's thing, and Ghost Town. I must be forgetting something.
So, allow me to apologize again, unless it's the first time this post, but a box office weekend like this, I gotta break it up into three chunks. Normally I do two at the most, and it's 1-5 and 6-10, but I just gotta include a third for all those films flying so low under the radar, they must've gotten caught on that TGV going through the Chunnel or something. And you thought the subprime mortgage crisis was bad! Man, I'd hate to have to be answering the phone at the MGM P.R. center. When was the last time that studio had a hit? They're now putting all their eggs in the next James Bond basket.

I've just been told that Kirsten Dunst has yet to portray Elizabeth the First, but she in fact was Marie Antoinette. I must of been thinking of Elizabethtown. Yeah, that was it. Plus it's late. Gotta go.

Auteur Watch - Gary Fleder

Hello! And welcome to Auteur Watch, where we profile all film directors great and small, and kinda gather some examples of what they're up to and get right back to ya! This week, Gary Fleder. Now I'm sure there's a lot of you out there who may be asking, "What's a Gary Fleder?" Well, if you just give me a chance to talk... Hmm! Good question, though. What is a Gary Fleder? Well, he's not quite Todd Solondz, and he's not quite Brett Ratner. No, I guess he falls somewhere in between. I guess you could say he's a hard working guy, like Steven Seagal said of one of the poor shlubs making one of his crappy movies, one who WASN'T Andrew Davis. Yeah, I guess you could say Gary Fleder is in Andrew Davis territory. Well, better that than Ron Underwood territory. Man, I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Where was I? Oh yeah, back to the Fled-man. As usual, I tend to wander too far afield, WAY more than six hyperlink degrees of separation. Basically, he's on the right career track; not successful enough to justify a full-time cinematic career, but not hacky enough to get stuck in TV fulltime. He's back with The Express soon to come out. Hard to say if the market has piqued on these PG sports movies; McG certainly thinks so. Maybe Fleder will fare better.
Welp, The G-man hasn't had much of a career yet, so we really can't fairly apply the Favorite Decade test to him. He probably would say the nascent 90s, when things were new and exciting; he made it through his Tarantino phase intact enough, was part of a franchise ... Hey! A franchise is a franchise, even if Ashley Judd's involved... and then, on to some exciting cable work that was PRACTICALLY good enough to be in the theater. But if he knows what's good for him, and his agent will no doubt confirm this, he will surely say that the much busier 2000s are clearly his favorite decade. An aborted theater release that's close to crossing the cult threshold, probably because of Philip K. Dick's involvement; I swear, Dick must be the most adapted sci-fi guy by now! Second only to ... Asimov? Jules Verne? Who cares. The main thing is, he survived, and he'll even do the DVD commentary just to show there's no hard feelings. Besides, it's still more interesting than Don't Say A Word, or The Game 2 as it's known in the biz. And then, a John Grisham adaptation, usually good for any director's career. Unfortunately, Runaway Jury also serves as a pre-Katrina travelogue of New Orleans. At least in my mind. And you know what? Sure, he could've been a bigshot at this point and continued on the cinema track, but no! Back to TV. That's his choice, and I applaud him for it. Not everyone can do that, you know.
Or can they? Is there the pressure to pick a side? I actually don't know. He's not in Spielberg Amazing Stories territory, of course, but then again who is? Oh, but enough from me. Whatever you choose, here's to you, Gary Fleder. Keep up the good work, and don't bogart the Elswit! I almost forgot.

P.S. Just got a call from Ron Underwood's agent asking for an apology. I apologize; I meant to say Rod Daniel. Man, that guy could screw up an episode of Scrubs.