You'll have a Jolie old time!

Another contentious week at the Box Office this week, and there's a triumphant new B.O. Wolf that ate the lion's share of ... all those meaty box office dollars to be had from patrons eager for entertainment this Thanksgiving season. Something like that. And the big dog at #1 this week is indeed Beowulf. The movie, not the video game, available on all platforms. If you're in China, both are already on the same Blu-Ray disc. And now for some serious Movie Nerd SATs, because apparently, what Gozer was to Ghostbusters, so Angelina Jolie is to Beowulf. (My God! Did you see what she was wearing?) Incidentally, is it Ghost Busters or Ghostbusters? Because apparently, it's Ghostbusters 2 and not Ghost Busters 2. English is such a strange language. For example, as long as we're on SATs, there's the example of: aerobic is to anaerobic what atomic is to anatomic. Wait, that can't be right.

Where were we? Oh yeah, #2 is Bee Movie. Yawn. Almost at 100 million, already got space reserved for it in the Kids Section at your local video store. I ain't seen anything like it since Seinfeld alums Mandel, Berg and Schaffer were let loose on Dr. Seuss! Oh, snap!

Side by side is the other big cumulative dog, and this one actually jumped over the 100 million barrier, and it's Ridley Scott's Willie Dynamite. Follow that bird, my niggas!

At #4 it's Fred Claus. Not doing too shabby, but somehow the word on the street is keeping all the soccer moms and all the big families away who might have gone to see Home Alone so long ago. Has it been that long? Dayamn! What I want to know is, how did Kevin Spacey get roped into this? Did he lose playing poker with Bryan Singer?

Rounding out the top 5 it's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. No wait, it's The Splendiforous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman. No wait, it's Joseph and the (amazing) Technicolor Dreamcoat. No wait, it's W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings. No wait, it's Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. No wait, it's Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies. Okay, that's the only one I didn't have off the top of my head. Okay, so Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is standing on the shoulders of giants. But this time (SPOILERS), it's like if Willy Wonka was dying in the movie and had to get around to the dirty business of bypassing the Death Tax and handing down the business to either the slick, moneygrubbing assistant who plans on selling the store to the Death Gel Factory, or passing the deed on to the wholesome assistant with stars in their eyes, ready to fill the shoes of Mr. Magorium himself and carry the burning torch onward to hell or high water, whichever brings about the end of the world first. Let's face it, folks. We're so burned out with all these expensive movies with the fabulous expensive CGI special effects, so numb from all the fresh new wonderment in the world, even ten year olds are already thinking about death. Think of it as a mental inoculation. Better to get it out of the way sooner.

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And now the dregs. Well, not all of 'em. Normally I think that, especially about something like Dan in Real Life. Okay, got that one out of the way. Why, it hasn't even earned the catering budget of Evan Almighty yet! But now we get to my bread and butter. For any of you who might have read this blog earlier just might remember I said the only movie I was waiting for this year was in fact No Country for Old Men (NCFOM). Every once in a while the people's movie makes it onto the top 10. The rest of 'em? Corporate-funded Krappenfests, funded by people who just want to have a nice career in the movies, and not offend anybody by making any kind of waves. The Simpsons Movie rocketed up the IMDb Top 250 when it first came out, only to sink like a stone later. Perhaps NCFOM won't suffer the second half of that fate. It's already higher than Fargo and The Big Lebowski. Well, you can't have everything. Miller's Crossing, O Brother and The Man Who Wasn't There all had their own separate stints on the Top 250 at one time or another. They're just not there now. Oh, flunf.

All right, enough about that. You'll hear more from me on the subject once I finally get to see the damn movie. You know how it is - so many social engagements, so little time. At #8 it's Lions for Lambs (L4L). Not LOL. You won't get into a chat room and see those two in the same sentence fragment. Let's say it's the best movie since... I don't know, The Last Supper. Something like that. Speaking of lambs, Saw 4 may have finally led all the lambs to slaughter it'll lead in the theaters. Oh well. Wait a couple months, and you can buy the Quartet on video at WalMart or Costco. I'm sorry, the correct word is Quadrilogy, right? At least, for the likes of a movie franchise like Saw. How unfair the fates are when a movie like Saw spawns three more behind it, yet no one remembers Switchback.

And finally, in a contentious last-minute shuffling of numbers, Love in the time of Cholera (LTC) makes it onto the top 10. Check your Variety folks. The top 50 always has an interesting story to tell. Just shows to go you, never underestimate the pweor of a good title. Like Love in the Time of Money (LTM) or Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (WVNB), or Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. This is Javier Bardem's other film on our top 10 this week, incidentally. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Okay, so I missed a week...

Hmm! Guess the batteries in my keyboard will hold out for a little bit longer. Better change 'em just in case. What a scam. Not all computers are made the same. Otherwise who's going to buy the one without the Blu-Ray DVD/CD burner, but with the 750GB Seagate drive?

So where was I? Felt like an eternity away from the blog, but strangely cleansing. Just discovered the song they call "I want to see the bright lights tonight." I just can't BELIEVE Wes Anderson hasn't used that one yet! Of course, he'll probably want the version recorded by Phantom Planet, am I right?

What a week to miss, too. American Gangster was at #1, with Bee Movie a close second. Apparently, America was more entertained by blood and guts than family-friendly bees. But not this week! Finally, Spielberg triumphed over Brian Grazer, and not a moment too soon. Does this mean Larry David's going to respond in kind with his own Pixar-esque fare? Maybe Sour Grapes done by PDI DreamWorks?

In a fairly distant third is Fred Claus. I'd watch out, Darren Aronofsky, if I were you. That VV is an animal! He's going to steal your Weisz away from you. Did you not see the beginning of The Break-Up? The thrill of the chase, my friend! There's no going back.

At #4, it's Lions for Lambs. Well, it made more than Rendition, anyway. Apparently, it's a shrill liberal dose of whining about the Iraq war, and that's what the Democrats think! Tom Cruise reprises his turn as a senator in ... was it the first Mission Impossible? Incidentally, doesn't Tom Cruise sound like a porn star's name? I'm just saying. I mean, if he wasn't Tom Cruise, you know. Don't let Dianetics hold you hostage, man! You're bigger than that! The American public will embrace you further! The truth shall set you free.

OTOH, you are the closest to Crossing the Bridge, or whatever they call it. Being a Full Re-Born Thetan?

Rounding out our Top 5 this week, it's Dan In Real Life (DIRL). Oh please, Mr. Carell, how many times can a man go back on The Daily Show and thank them for all the good luck he's had in his life? Unfortunately, the answer's no longer blowin' in the wind. It's time to change the act! Pick a charity or something. I suggest solar power. We gotta catch up with the rest of the world sometime.

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Oh, six to ten, how it depresses me so. But I need something to keep me up til 3 a.m. when Bananas starts on cable. At #6 is Saw 4. And while I'm waiting for 2009 when I'll be writing about how Saw 6 is at #6, I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that thanks to this, more movies will feature audio tapes in peoples' stomachs with instructions that will fuel the rest of the film. Or reality show. The sky's the limit, really! Long live the new CGI-fueled horror film revolution.

Lucky #7 gives us The Game Plan. I'm all out of quips, but I gotta admit this turkey's got legs, and maybe a little giblet gravy left to boot. Now, The Rock's not the womanizer that VV is, as far as I know. I don't watch E! as much as some, but I'd still guard your property, Kevin Bacon, nonetheless. Why it must be five degrees of separation with all of the suitors trying to make it with The Closer. I'm just saying.

At #8 it's P2. Now, what is this? It's not called P8! It's P2, dammit! Doesn't anything work like it's supposed to anymore? And Wes Bentley, apparently it can't be stressed enough. You've come a long way, Ricky Fitts. Or have you? Couldn't you have landed a supporting role in something prestigious like Jarhead? Well, never underestimate the power of denial, like a wise man once said.

30 Days of Night is lookin' fine at #9. ...you know what I just realized? He's got his own Wikipedia entry even! What an age we live in. That photo of Danny Huston looks just like Bat Boy! Wow, I must be up too late.

And finally at #10 it's some new meat to the Top 10, and it is Martian Child, baby! And sure, to you it may look like just another Hollywood paean to parenthood, but to me it's the second collaboration between Indiana Jones screenwriter Menno Meyjes and John Cusack! Magic happens every time they get together. Or should I say... Majic? The other one is Max, about Hitler and his art teacher, something kooky like that. Why, they're practically next to each other on the video shelf! Unless your local video store finally gives Meyjes his own space in the special Director section of the store! And while we're at it, why aren't there more brothers on the wall? Peace out. :)

Short Reviews - October 2007

Not too late, is it? All right, let's just dive right in to it.

In the Valley of Elah - Is that still out?

Gone Baby Gone - or as Kevin Smith calls it, "the gayest movie ever!"

Testament - Okay, so it's an audio book. Still, quite a cinematical cast! Maybe they filmed it when they recorded it, sell the doc about it. Gee, isn't it great now that we have Sunday School 7 days a week now? The 30 pieces of silver never sounded so Oscar-worthy! Oh wait, yes they have...

"Tin Man" - Speaking of Dreyfuss, didn't he make this already?

30 days of night - Whatever. Somehow not as fun without Frank Langella and Larry Olivier.

The Story of Us - Alan Zweibel's second chance. With Monk, you're well on your way to Strike Three. Maybe for starters you can proof The Bucket List!

The Comebacks - Dodgeball's relevant after all! And it's nice to see that Fox Atomic has a sense of humor, and it isn't all just blood and guts horror.

Bee Movie - Well, should be better than Beloved, anyway. Or Bee Season. Or Akeelah and the Bee. Or will people just feel Bee-trayed?

P2 - Another inevitable movie... Oh, where have you gone, Ricky Fitts?

K2 - Never saw it... Great trailer, though!

Transformers - Oh, Optimus Prime sounds a little older...

Best of the Best - Pop it! (out of the DVD player...)

Lions for Lambs - Well, makes about as much sense as any of our other trade policies.

Snakes on a Plane - Guess Shaft's not getting too old for this shit.

The Hoax - Iraq, Howard Hughes, same thing...

Elizabethtown - Okay, Cameron Crowe. We get it. So, Dubya's a fiasco, eh? That's it... burn down his house!

The Original Kings of Comedy - So, what's Rupert Pupkin, chopped liver?

Fatal Attraction - Annoying at first, then it turns fatal...

Hitman - november 21? I can't wait that long!

Boyhood - Oh, there's an actual reason for its 2013 release. Damn! They stole my idea!... Sounds like something Lars von Trier might do, except it'd have to be 3 hours long with 40 minute takes, and it all takes place in one warehouse with chalk lines on the floor... something like that.

Fast Food Nation - Well, if you still feel like eating a hamburger after this...

Go For Broke - Somehow I don't think it'd play today.

It's A Big Country - Oh, they don't make 'em like they used to.

The Weather Man - Gore Verbinski's American Beauty.

Across the Wide Missouri - Ricardo Montalban as an Indian! I love it! Mas Macho Apache

Chairman of the Board - Let's see if YouTube links work...

Bob the Butler - I think I already said this, but Tom Green, what happened to you, man? You used to be cool. Now you've finally become the very thing you once seemed to rally against: just another part of the establishment. You can find this at Wal*Mart, stacked somewhere after Mary-Kate and Ashley, and just before the VeggieTales. Why not run for Sonny Bono's old seat while you're at it?

Box Office Torte!

Must be hungry. Well we got some heavy hitters coming up in about 12 hours, folks. My prediction? Bee Movie at #1, American Gangster at #2 - with the caveat that A.G. will drop off even further next week, because of all the disappointed people who thought it was about Finch becoming a gangstah! Whatta Ripoff!

But let's get to this week's dregs. As you can see, Saw 4 is #1 with a scalpel! Over 20 million more than Steve Carell's 2nd 2007 project, Dan in Real Life. So much for all that Oscar talk in the commercials! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if you've had a #1 movie already in the year, you're doing pretty good. But poor ol' Carell, he's the lunchmeat in a scare sandwich, and it ain't open faced, because 30 Days of Night is the #3 slice of bread!

At #4 it's the most profitable movie this week, The Game Plan with a whopping 77 million total. Rounding out the top 5 is Why Did I Get Married, the second most profitable.

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As for 6 to 10, well, it's Michael Clayton, Gone Baby Gone, The Nightmare Before Christmas IMAX, We Own the Night, and The Comebacks, which has apparently fallen victim to this insiduous trend of comedies getting spanked by the IMDb Bottom 100. Oh sure, not as hard as Who's Your Caddy? but still, I didn't think it'd happen to my man in Amsterdam, David Koechner. I think it's time he made that movie with Mark McKinney about those two Aristocrats. (damn! Can't find an image...)

Speaking of Gone Baby Gone, where did The Darjeeling Limited go?