Auteur Watch - Peter Chelsom

Oh, it's a sad, sad story, indeed. The saddest part is the ending, so we had better start from scratch.
It all began for us lazy Americans with a li'l film called Hear My Song. Any film student can tell you, it's the debut of Mr. Chelsom, despite Treacle and all. No, every director secretly wants a film like Hear My Song that makes everybody happy. The critics are happy, the distributors are happy, the people are happy. Even the ticket buyers are happy! Because anyone could be. I never saw it myself, but I did see his sophomore effort, Funny Bones. Kind of a Local Hero as a stand-up comic kind of thing. Not as autobiographical as the first, but that's okay. It was all tied in to this whole Jerry Lewis cinematic resurgence, the likes of which was seen just a decade before, but just hasn't been seen since.
It was at that point that Chelsea took the advice his manager gave him from the start: "Drop the screenwriting, stick to directing." Soon after came The Mighty, one of the five films that was to end Sharon Stone's career... at least, for a while. So, it looks like the 90s will have to be Chelsom's favorite decade, because then came Town & Country, and Serendipity, two films that have never been recommended to me. On the other hand, I don't have that many friends, so maybe it's just bad statistics. This would surely be the most expensive phase of Mr. Chelsom's career, with T&C STILL clocking in at 90 million dollars, and Serendipity, well, after 9/11, I guess we just weren't ready to believe in instantly falling in love. Maybe if they remake it.
Then we got Shall We Dance? What is it? Chick flick? Dance flick? Who knew? Part of the Japanese remake Renaissance. That still doesn't explain much. But even that's nothing compared to what's on the horizon for us as well as for Peter Chelsom... A Hannah Montana movie? First of all, didn't we suffer enough already this year? Second, how? How in the h... eck did you land that job? What, was Kenny Ortega too busy? What, was Walt Becker pouting in the corner after someone mentioned Van Wilder? I don't have the time to dwell further on this, but I tell you what. I'll be a generous guy and give you the benefit of the doubt, Pete. But the second you do a film with Larry the Cable Guy, boom! Out of the Auteur club you go.

Oh, Girls of Trūe, will you marry me?

Because of the new Bond movie, I had to read about the Bond Girls and their proud tradition, despite what Garth Brooks thinks. Then again, how about those Trūe Girls, huh? Do they live up to Maxim's high standards of quality or what? Or are they just under the radar enough that you might actually think you're going to meet someone like them by logging into that website? Suck on that, eHarmony and match! Oh, well. See, that's what I get for using Yahoo! mail. Oh, but I've said too much already. Let's dig into this week's Box Office.
Might as well start at #1. Man, I thought for sure Bolt might pull out a first place finish. Nope, only Pixar can pull that off. Everything old is older again. No, the tweens and teens carried the day with Twilight, the latest spin on vampires. I mean, what if your boyfriend is a vampire? He's not Jewish, is he? But he does have that stand-offish Eastern Bloc vibe about him. ...oh, never mind. He's British. And apparently he's done what even Harry Potter himself hasn't done yet: be in ANOTHER box office blockbuster! Surely this opening justifies a Twilight 2? But we'll get into that next week, I'm sure.
Meanwhile, for now, Bond 22: Qo'S hangs tough at #2, but will probably slip to 3 after the recount, trading places with Bolt. That's the kind of thing Disney would want to pull... or maybe Travolta will suddenly feel the urge to buy a half million dollars worth of tickets? That would do it!
At #4, the Disney/Pixar vs. Dreamworks/PDI gangsta rap battle rages on with Madagascar 2: I like to Move It Move It, this week's top cume with 137 million IN DA HOUSE BANK. I wonder if the studio was considering a direct to video release like with Toy Story 2? Hmmm! And rounding out the top 5, far surpassing even the filmmaker's expectations, it's Role Models. Sorry, Wain, but the Baxter still thinks you're a dick and he's not working with you anymore. No matter how much more money this turkey makes. You know what you did.
---
And now, my favourite part of the box office, numeros 6 thru 10. Statistically speaking, Changeling at #6 is still going very strong. Must be a limited release. As long as it hangs in there longer than Zack and Miri, right, Clint? I think it's still doing better than Taking Lives or Beyond Borders, anywho. Probably better than A Mighty Heart, but who's keeping track, right??
At 7, HSM3. Oh, more Disney disappointment. Feel sorry for them, folks. And go to energy.gov/tink and clap your hands. ...oh wait, it's a re-direct. Better just click the words instead.
#8, Z&M - see #6. At #9 it's this week's third and final newbie, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. The police actually are using this as a sting operation to try and catch wanted pedophiles. Good luck, troops!
And finally at #10, last but certainly not least, The Secret Life of Bees. Also showing a strong statistical performance. Six weeks on the top 10! Not bad at all. I have a feeling we'll hear from those crazy filmmakers again soon, and I don't mean a postcard. Still, Paul Bettany misses his Russell Crowe. They've made two big-ass movies together; third, please? Try and write a meaty enough role for Russ in the sequel, huh?

Auteur Watch - Creep Creepersin

Hmm! Must be from the Eastern Bloc. But that's what happens when you brave the wilds of the IMDb. You follow the zillions of hyperlinks long enough, and you don't know where the f... don't know just where you'll end up. Why, you're like Butch Cassidy and his partner when they get lost in those woods at night. You know, the ethereal, existential part of the chase just after they leave the, um, hotel! Yeah, that's it.
Anyway, back to the bidness @ hand dot com. Creep's 2008 project is O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown, obviously. I'm not even going into his 2009 project; I assume that's a working title. Yes, The O.C.'s gone, but not forgotten. That one kid's "The Mentalist" now, right?
I thought MySpace was not for businesses! Oh well. I must be thinking of the good ol' days (about 6 months ago). Anyway, here's Creep's personal webpage, also at MySpace. Make sure you bookmark it, everybody. I already did. Don't take this the wrong way, Creep C., but you might want to get in touch with Dave "The Rock" Nelson. After all, he was on The Daily Show once! And look who they've had on since! Two ex-Presidents and Bill O'Reilly! Decent company, dontcha think?

useful links:
O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown MySpace page
Rocky Nelson's IMDb entry

Dharma v. Dolls: Which Kicks more Ass?

So! You're asking yourself, but Movie Hooligan! Have you gone mad? Why, those two can't even be compared: a documentary on the least talented member of the New York Dolls, and a documentary on the creator of Gumby. Oh, but aren't they? As Wittgenstein taught us, two things eventually look alike if you wrap them in enough plastic wrap. More currently, as this outgoing administration has taught us, you pour enough acid on a body and you're eventually down to the bare bones! Besides, they were both featured prominently on the IFC channel... I mean, let's face it. There's only so far you can go with indie road pics about lesbians going on multiple-state kissing sprees. They're both about the Hollywood elite, both have backstories shrouded in mystery and they both feature blatant clips of Buster Poindexter... no, wait, that was Frank Zappa in the Gumby one. But I will say this up front: ultimately Gumby's had more of an impact on my life than the New York Dolls, and I've been in the presence of some hardcore music lovers who make the High Fidelity folks look like ank ramateurs, so I'm goin' with the Gumby on this one, to save all you docu-partisans out there just a little heartbreak. But for the rest of you, let's get down to the buts and nolts of this. Let's take a good hard look at both.
---
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FABULOUS STAINS
Up first, New York Doll, about the tragic career arc of New York Dolls' bassist, ... Gene Frenkle? Arthur "Killer" Kane, that's it. Some have called it an expanded episode of VH1, some have called it Mormonist propaganda, but I found myself nestled comfortably between the two points. And I'm as anti-Christian as the next secularist, but at least the Mormons do something useful, like the genealogy library, to which a long-haired hippie like Kane eventually gets a job. It is the standard rags-to-riches-back to rags rock story, but don't you rock freaks find each same predictable story beautiful in its own unique way? With Mick Jagger-ish David Johanson at the helm, the New York Dolls apparently filled a unique niche in the rock 'n roll family tree that they show ever so briefly (Hey! Let's see more of that!), which leads to the inception of such great bands as The Clash, and to some not-so-great ones later on like Ratt and Poison. I tell ya, Kane's makeup on the one album cover looks positively amateurish compared to the Vogue quality high-fashion transvestitism in that Poison album cover that has never been perfected upon; did they do a second album? Those were chicks, right?
For those who think it's a pro-Mormon screed, try this one on for size... wait, bad example. Besides, Kane doesn't seem too thrilled about the whole Mormon thing, anyway. Maybe that's because the BIG (kick-ass) REUNION CONCERT'S coming up! Shyeah! I also kinda liked the pre-show prayer Kane gives. (Also rare: a prayer to God that an audience has fun. And that they get rocked? Nah, too far.)
Yeah, but it's not all built-up hopes. The MTV wave that swept up so many people left Kane behind, and Kane hits rock bottom when he sees Buster Poindexter on TV. Apparently it was as the cabbie in Scrooged. When Kane saw him in Car 54, Where Are You? that cheered him right up. Oh, snap! The ending of the doc left kind of a bad taste in my mouth, but then that's the kind of thing that keeps me from being a true rock n roller. Better to go out like that than being top Realtor at your firm like SOME people I saw on VH1.
And finally, I once again must defend my embattled Tull. One critic in the doc rallies against "25-minute drum solos" as one of the things the Dolls were rebelling against in the art rock scene of the time. You think that's bad? Tull's got a 10-minute thing where the keyboardist plays Debussy on a piano! ("By Kind Permission Of") Oh, that's much, much worse.

***
---
WILL VINTON'S LEAST FAVORITE FILM
Next, Gumby Dharma, where we look at a life similarly fraught with tragedy, the life of Gumby creator Art Clokey. Orphaned as a teenager when his mother remarries, Art gets adopted by a kindly pastor who takes him around the world and gives him a movie camera to play with. As he told his mom when they later reconciled, it worked out pretty great for him.
So there's that, and his daughter commits suicide after her friend gets hit by lightning, and a couple other tragedies that beset Clokey's life. From out of this pain Gumby is born. Clokey shows his short film Gumbasia (Fantasia + Gumby) to someone at MGM Studios, who subsequently gets him the Gumby TV deal. But he wanted to work with Ava Gardner! Important lesson, kids. If you want to work with Ava Gardner, get a shovel.
And so Gumby creator Art Clokey toils on through the 50s and 60s, and we find out that even something like this has personal origins, Goo and Prickly being modeled on people in Clokey's life. Then, still a child at heart, and drunk off Gumby's success, he goes and joins some of the flower people, but repents quite harshly, saying those were the "worst times of [his] life". So many unanswered questions: when does Gumby's eyes go from clay and BBs to the more modern style? As for the questions that got answered, we find out why Gumby's head is shaped the way it is. All you Davey and Goliath fans will want to skip that part, and probably the rest of this as well. I have new found respect for Clokey: he fought the church and lived to tell the tale! We also learn of a film he made called Mandala, a film born from his new found spirituality. It's an unreleased film, and it's not on the IMDb. For shame!

Oh, I can't remember anything else about it, so I'm not doing this doc justice. Unfortunately, I think the world is going to ultimately leave Gumby behind. 1995's Gumby movie lost out to the CGI revolution, but he'll always live on in our hearts in figurine form. That's because Gumby's a clay man of the people, not part of the elitist VeggieTales marketing juggernaut, for example.

p.s. Oh yeah! Checking out the IMDb entry, he DID do the opening credits for How to Stuff a Wild Bikini! Man, it looked pretty great in HD. That's why this doc only gets 3 and a half; they didn't cover that part.

***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Indiana Jones' European Vacation

Yeah, I like this one. And to think I originally boycotted it because of the Holy Grail subject matter! I've made up for it since, seeing it once at a revival. Some say it's the best one of the series. I don't know if I'm there yet, and I'll get into that later. But I think it's proof after all that Spielberg is the best action director of all time. Or maybe a close second to Buster Keaton, but that's hardly fair either. Someone save me some trouble and compile their own list, will ya? Okay, I'll give you a head start: Richard Donner second, James Cameron third.

We all sat down and saw the whole thing recently. Kind of a purging after the fourth one... That's all I'll say about it. As for me, it's been a while since I actually sat down and watched the whole thing. Usually I skip to my favorite parts: the action scenes, of course. Well, I felt like I paid my dues with all that stuff in between; what do you call it... plot, character development. All the chaff that launches films to greatness. You can't escape orbit without it! I just love that one part where the two Nazi motorcyclists are overcome by the one motorcycle. And the tank chase, obviously... that's all I can think of at the moment.

Perhaps it's a lesson long learned by Hollywood (and now that I think about it, it is), but the real key to sequels is you need to bring new characters into the fold. The good news is we get Sean Connery, Indy's dad. Although... I must confess I thought, is Bond phoning it in? How would David Hasselhoff have handled this role? And just like we saw the Alltel rivals as young nerds, we also see how Indy was an action star as a teenager, and his big Origin scene where he gets the trademark hat. Which further led to the Young Indiana Jones TV series... To me, that's the bad news. Maybe I'm wrong; I never saw any of those, nor have had them recommended to me for that matter. I'm sure they're fine, and Powder did a bang-up job, of course.

The reason I put this in second compared to Raiders is Indy's a little tougher here, especially when dealing with Dr. Schneider. The humor of Raiders is a little mellower, less blatantly self-referential. "What are you sitting around for when we're so close to the end!", says Dad near the end of the movie. To be fair, Harrison Ford doesn't often get to show off his flair for accents, as he did in Blade Runner. At one point here he does a pre-Groundskeeper Willie Scottish accent. Pretty good! Also, everyone's more certain about the power of the Grail than they were about the Ark. "The search for the Grail is the search for the divine in all of us." So what's the Ark? Chopped liver?

And of course, one can't help but admire Indy's catch phrase "Ah! Venice." In terms of Movie as Travelogue, this is of course magnifique as the French would say. We get Venice, Spain, Germany, Monument Valley, George Lucas's backyard, and as all you trivia buffs know it culminates at Petra, Jordan. A great film for film trivia buffs, but I don't have the curiosity to go too far beyond the special rat farms just for the film. Not all things free-range are good after all.

Academy Award winner Sir John Williams and his fleet of brass once again provide a fun soundtrack. I think they have a little more fun on this one than the first, to be sure, with quick references to the Ark of the Covenant theme, and a snippet of the French National Anthem after Dad mentions Charlemagne in passing. And to think he went on to Home Alone right after this! Not enough time on his hands.

Okay, here's the part where I defend Alison Doody, as every other review seems to trash her. But she can't help it! She's an ex-Bond girl. She was in A View to a Kill, after all. She's been dealt an unlucky hand career-wise; she wasn't even invited to that Bond Girls are Forever thing, for Chr... God's sake! Here she has to walk that fine line between loyalty to the Nazis, and being madly in love with Indy. ...yeah, you're right. She's terrible. Kinda cute, though! But really, she and Julian Glover go hand in hand. Perhaps he makes a dull villain because he also represents what we all aspire to be: rich socialites whose only achievement left is finding the Fountain of Youth and drinking from it for the rest of our days. Eternal damnation? Why not? The dude's just in it for the grail. Even he seems kinda shocked at his ballsiness when he actually fires the gun.

To be glib and over-reaching, when Spielberg reflects on his life, surely the 80s was his favourite decade? I mean, even though the critics didn't yet take him seriously. It was also the decade of Rube Goldberg, and the fascination with booby traps is a central preoccupation of the Indy series. The Goonies also had quite a few over-elaborate devices in it. I guess Hook was the last gasp of such whimsy for Spielberg. Still, I won't trash them too much, but why do I keep thinking of laserdiscs with the first Grail-protecting 'device'? And when was it supposed to have been built? And even in 1938 what kind of technology would know to start it up when an intruder approaches?

Too many questions, but that's the basic framework of doubt right there. Frankly, it's just rude to question the logic of the booby traps. Despite the nitpicking, Spielberg always gives you a full emotional plate. Close Encounters, A.I., you can't help but feel like you've been through the full wringer: there's comedy, drama, smart stuff, obvious stuff, and usually nothing less than a big Earth-shattering finale. So whether you think this one's the best, or Raiders, or Temple of Doom, God forbid, there's no denying it's all high quality stuff. And I got my copy! Of course, now I gotta get it on Blu-Ray. (hint hint?)

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

OO7 La La!!

You did it, Craiggers! You won't have Happy Feet to kick you around any more! Yes, Bond crushed the cute cuddly CGI-nimals by almost a 2 to 1 margin. But to better savor the flavor of this victory, we gotta start at #10 and work our way to the top.
---
And at #10 it's The Haunting of Molly Hartley, raking in only 1.65 million dollars. Oh, I've just never seen #10 this anemic. Actually, yes I have. Worse! Like at 0.89 million, but I'm too rushed for time to check my spotty records. But it's almost gone, folks, consigned to a lifetime on the video shelves next to Darkness Falls and ... others, I'm sure. Phew! I bet Naomi Watts is glad she turned both of those down!
At #9 it's the Disney musical Saw V. I just love the part where Mickey has a cameo as the gruff principal, but a softie beneath that cancer-ridden exterior.
#8 gives us the vivacious gift of bees! The Secret Life of Bees, to bee exact! Hah! Those comedy dividends keep coming in. And according to my extensive data, it's the only movie in recent memory to stick around for 5 weeks in the Top 10! Just behind Beverly Hills Chihuahua and 7-weeker Eagle Eye, but that slipped to #11, so screw that one!!
Meanwhile at #7 it's Bernie Mac's last movie, Soul Men. Go and see his last, you cheap bastards! Oh wait, that's next year. Meanwhile further, at #6, it's the movie that we WISH were Kevin Smith's last, Zack and Miri dot dot dot. C'mon, Kev! Quit while you're ahead! Go out on top! Someone else will do Fletch Won and The Green Lantern... and Clerks 3. Yeah, that's right, Jeff Anderson's got a treatment, the turncoat. Time for the next generation to shine.
---
Slipping slightly to #5 it's Changeling. Guess Warner Bros. didn't have confidence in this one. Why not put it in 14,000 theaters? But ya better look out, because the Oscar race is heating up. Another contender for Best Picture is on the horizon, and it's Defiance, Clint, my friend! Could this be Edward Zwick's big year, statuette wise? Good luck for two brothers in one year? Don't hold your breath...
Meanwhile at #4 it's the latest in that disgusting horror series: High School Musical 3. Bring your whole family to see the state-of-the-art in creative eviscerations! After all, you can't spell eviscerate without creative, and you got an 'e' and an 's' left to add and... ah, skip it.
#3 gives us Role Models. Yeah, that McLovin' guy, is he the new Matthew Laborteaux or what? Anyone? Whiz Kids? It took me so long to remember that! And of course who can forget Madagascar 2 at #2. Bet they thought for sure it would beat Bond out this time. Sadly, no. Also, Wall~E's gonna kick their ass at Oscar time. Double sadly no. Or as they say at 1984, Double-plus-un-good!
---
Can you believe it? Only one newbie this week! It's a tight market, but everything shifted down out of respect. Oh right, I forgot. Twilight is next week. Boy, is that bad boy gonna clean up. That's because vampires are sexy. Ever heard of a sexy zombie? All dead bones and rotting flesh covered with maggots and dirt? No thanks, girlfriend! No, the most unsightly thing you get with vampires are extra-large bags under their eyes. Not to mention the whole incinerated by the sun thing, but at least it goes quick. Better to go like that than be an unattractive zombie forever. Right, horror movie buffs? Oh but I digress. Bond is back, baby! And more importantly, the title's full of 'O's so they can do that sideways 007 thing we're all sick of in the commercials. What exactly is a Quantum of Solace? Does Bond try to shut down an even bigger particle accelerator? And how does Paul Haggis detract from the script on this one? Damn, he's busy! Damn Canadians and their superior health care. William Shatner and Tom Green will assuredly outlive us all. I'm just too angry to continue, folks.

Auteur Watch - George Clooney

Man, have I been slacking off! Gotta try to make up for that. But how?
Anyway, I think we all took a deep breath when we heard the news. You didn't hear? A damn dirty earthquake tried to kill him! On the set of his current movie, Men Who Stare At Goats. Damn Soderbergh! Actually, he doesn't seem to be producing this one, but some of the Soderbergh crew is in on this one. Louise Frogley on costume design. Guess George is palling around with Grant Heslov instead. Really? Faisil? Yeah, I know. It was indeed 14 years ago. Damn, I feel old. Grant apparently turned down an offer from Milos Forman to be his new Vincent Schiavelli.
Meanwhile, Clooney's not straying too far from the Coen brothers Sphere of Influence. The Coens are currently filming A Serious Man, which at first might seem like Clooney's got nothing to do with. Until you look a little deeper. For instance, Adam Arkin is in the movie, the Jewish George Clooney. Also, Richard Kind is in the movie, who has strangely close ties with George Clooney. Even he can't figure that one out.
But even earthquakes can't stop this man. He's got a Wes Anderson project coming up. Careful, Georgie! Once you get into Wes's orbit, there's no escape. He's like a Black Hole, sucking people in and never letting them go. Just ask Bill Murray! What else? A remake of The Birds! Just what the world needs! Apparently Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig were originally going to do it, but they bowed out, so the producers got Clooney and Naomi Watts instead. Close enough. Now is it just me, or is the new James Bond a little too busy for his own good? At least when Roger Moore was Bond, he didn't go running off doing all sorts of non-Bond projects while in Broccoli's gainful employment! Except for ffolkes, of course, but that was a passion project, as they say.
...okay, scratch that theory. I didn't know he was Clouseau at one point! That role's almost as re-populated as Bond at this point. I gotta go bed time...

From the director of Gas Planet...

Yup! We all gotta start somewhere. And once again it's the 80s and all the nation's kids are dragging their unwitting parents to the theater to watch as Spielberg wows them again. His latest, Madagascar 2, opens with a big Pow. I was going to say bang, but that's so cliché. ...okay, I'm just getting word from my source that he's technically not with DreamWorks anymore, but he's still got Eagle Eye at #10! That's something!
At #2, surprise surprise, it's Role Models. That surprised me, anyway. The timing was pretty good, seeing as how this seems to be the latest apple on a very long branch of the Movie Tree, following the likes of Drillbit Taylor, School for Scoundrels, Mr. Woodcock, and anything else that had Billy Bob Thornton in it lately. David Wain, you got lucky, I'll give you that. Second season of Stella, please?
Showing similar monetary loss, we drop from about 33% down to 50% with High School Musical 3 at #3... how ironic? Oh, it's time to feel some empathy for the embattled Disney corporation. One day you're on top of the world, the next day it's a day like today. HSM3 losing money, BHC just plain gone out of sight. Is there nothing on the horizon to alleviate the pain?
Meanwhile, Changeling STAYS at #4! Cool!
And rounding out the top 5 is good ol' Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Charlie Brown. How to abbreviate that? ZMMP? Or ZAMMAP? Ooh! I like that one. Would make a good Batman onomatopoeic... you know. Cesar Romero gets punched, and the screen says ZAMMAP! If you're really hip, you of course gotta spell it ZaMMaP, or ZaMmaP. The fact that the debate's being had at all speaks volumes.
---
Ugh. The rest. A brief shout-out to Soul Men sadly debuting at #6. It's the third newbie this week. Brought to you by the writing team that brought you such hits as Big Trouble, Intolerable Cruelty and ... Destiny Turns on the Radio! Oh, that's it. That's the most unforgivable one of them all. Moving on.
And the rest are just plain ol' horror movies. Eagle Eye at #10, Saw V at #7... Saw 6 on the way, folks! Boy, they're the horror movie equivalent of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. But so much better. AND they come out BEFORE Halloween! Boy, what's THAT all about? Doesn't the Simpsons have any clout? Can't they just show the damn thing on Halloween day?
But I digress. We got horror movies 7 to 10 this week, Eagle Eye, Saw V, The Haunting of Molly Hartley, and the scariest of them all, The Secret Life of Bees. Oh, but Movie Hooligan, you ask! How is a movie about bees a horror movie? Well, isn't it? You notice it's not doing that well in the South, right? That's the South's worst nightmare right there! And Alaska. A cute, defenseless white girl moving into a house of black lesbians practicing and promulgating alternative lifestyles? Oh I tell ya, it's another blow to the National Innocence. But thank God we have people like Grover Norquist on hand ready and waiting to drown the Baby of Government in the Bathtub of ... History? Is that the proper metaphor? It is a metaphor, right? Man, I still can't wrap my head around that one. Guess I just don't have a sense of humour, dontcha think?

Anything happening in the news?

Hah! I love that joke. Well, while I and the whole world celebrates the restoring of honor and dignity to government, the weekly Box Office goes right straight to hell. It's not like we didn't see this coming! Oh why oh why did no one go to see Fireproof? I mean, sure it made money, but did anyone really watch it? I mean, REALLY sit there and... what was I talking about? Hmm. Probably wasn't important.
So let's survey the damage here. There must have been some forces of decency at work to prevent Zack and Miri from reaching #1, but really, Disney has their own pact with the devil. Yes, High School Musical 3 triumphs yet again, at #1 for the second week in a row. Just like Beverly Hills Chihuahua did, and it's still at #6! And it's currently only at #89 on the IMDb's ever-fluctuating Bottom 100 list. Keep reaching for that rainbow, BHC! Fat Slags is bound to slip up sometime.
Disney's former minion Harvey Weinstein propels Zack and Miri make a Porno to #2. People are ready to love again! And eager to seek a manual or two on the act. Because if there's one thing this world is currently lacking, it's people.
Meanwhile Saw V is at #3, which is kind of like porno, but with violence instead! Much more palatable. As someone pointed out, Zack and Miri was boycotted in Utah, but not Saw V. Well, I'm sure even Utah will like Kevin Smith's next project, Red State.
At a disappointing debut at #4, it's current front runner for Best Picture of 2008, Changeling, and it's for all the heavy breathers in overcoats who get their kicks from child abduction stories. Sorry, guys, it's got a Martin Guerre twist that will surely ruin it for you. As for #5, surely it's not riding ZnM's porno-themed bandwagon? The Haunting of Molly Hartley? Well, I do get kind of a creepy Midwest vibe from it, and there's no big secular movie star to speak of. But if you look at the plot description, notice that the plot revolves around Molly's 18th birthday! They ARE hitching their wagons to that porn star! Oh, you're no longer jailbait now, honey!
--
Something like that. What's happening to me? I must still be giddy about the election. Yeah, that must be it. I'm sure not giddy about 6 thru 10, that's for sure! Oh well, Eddie, at least you had the Hulk this year. Don't let another bomb slow you down, buddy! Still, let's try to get that Oscar within the next ten years, huh? I gots t'go.

Short Reviews - Oct. '08

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – A Florida teenager has been sentenced to 18 months in juvenile detention for coaxing his senile grandmother into holding a gun and threatening to shoot "all the pigs" in a homemade "gangster rap" video.

Eighteen-year-old Michael Alfinez pleaded guilty Tuesday to elder abuse charges. His family has said the case was a misunderstanding.

The 85-year-old grandmother can be seen in the video holding a handgun, wearing a black mask and threatening to shoot "all the pigs."

Alfinez was arrested in April after authorities seized the tape during a routine traffic stop. Alfinez and others also could be seen in the video shooting a pistol around town.

Alfinez also pleaded guilty to charges of firing out of a moving vehicle and into a building.

----
All right, let's break open this crab and wail...

You Don't Mess with the Zohan - Well, Sandsy, we made it half way through. We just had to stop; it was too wonderful.

Death Defying Acts - Oh, Catherine Zeta, you were so big once.

Four Christmases - Ah, thank God. Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau reliving their Groundlings days all over again, and on film where it always belonged. Oh, Jennifer Aniston was crazy to dump you, Vince!

Elizabeth: The Golden Age - I liked it. Good chick flick. A chick flick in a big cold castle.

Drunken Jackasses: The Movie - if Maxim magazine doesn't think this is the greatest movie of all time, well, damnit! I'm just going to move to Canada, that's all there is to it.

Saw V - The last one? No! Say it isn't so! You at least gotta get as many as Pinhead!

How to Alienate People & whatever... - Simon Pegg v. Ricky Gervais...

Pride and Glory - New Ed Norton pic ... oh wait, shoulda saved that for the 'Four Word Movie reviews..."

The Express - More PG sports pics

The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Oh, Nina Siemaszko, did you really need the money?

"Kath & Kim" - My God! Was that Molly Shannon?

Vacation (1) - With Anthony Michael Hall as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey

European Vacation - With Jason Lively as Rusty and Dana Hill as Audrey

Christmas Vacation - With Johnny Galecki as Rusty and Juliette Lewis as Audrey

Vegas Vacation - With Ethan Embry as Rusty and Marisol Nichols as Audrey

The Lazarus Project - Oh, Piper Perabo... Did you really need the money?

The Judas Project - Oh, Richard Edlund... Did you really need the money? Nah, couldn't have been for the money. How much money did you get for that, seriously?

Dawg - Denis Leary, you owe me an apology.

Tru Loved - AKA High School Musical 3.5

"Prison Break" - Apparently, the show has jumped the shark. I blame producer Brett Ratner for that. Who wouldn't?

Role Models - McLovin's return, right?

"The Ex List" - Is that Andy Samberg?
----
This just in: Alfinez gets 3 picture deal at Lions Gate.