Premature 4th of July box office...

Might as well take care of this now. It's much harder for me to eat and play video games at the same time. Might as well keep this B.O. report short 'n sweet. We got three debuts this week. We got Nick Cassevetes' latest tearjerker called My Sister's Keeper. Oh, Cameron Diaz. We're about the same age now! Everyone's not quite turning 40, but close enough. Just don't do like Edie Adams and get lots of elective surgery... I'm assuming that's what happened to her. And she died last year! Well, heaven's a little brighter. Boy, what a rough week of celebrity deaths. And in honor of the latest celebrity... well, quasi-celebrity-spokesceleb death, Billy Mays, I'M GOING TO DO THE REST OF THE BLOG IN ALL-CAPS. IT REALLY WORKS! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... Man, that's exhausting. I don't know how Mays could do it. The second debut this week is Away We Go. And ironically enough, it's debuting at #10. Why, they spent a mint to promote the damn thing! And it had those cool animated letters and everything. They look homemade even though they're probably CGI. And the one shot of the car on the hill? What more do you people want? Just think of it as one of those commercials where the long suffering wife puts up with her idiot husband... only padded out to 90 minutes. Personally, I blame Spielberg for this one. Why, it seems like only 10 years ago when he was helping out director Sam Mendes with his DreamWorks debut hit American Beauty. But it was a different time. The edifice of the suburban family was primed and ready to fall, a ripe target for satire indeed. And now, ten years later, we got a couple looking for a city to move to. How's THAT premise supposed to catch fire? No, once upon a time DreamWorks was the champion of the little guy and the medium-budget picture.
Flash forward to today, and DreamWorks isn't even a studio anymore! Right? And yet they crank out big budget behemoths like Michael Bay's last two pictures: The Island and Transformers 1. What about the little guy? Where's HE supposed to go for a green light? No, the little guy's just gonna have to wait, because it's big budget blockbuster politics all over again, and a Spielberg production once again comes along and clubs the competition like a whole litter of baby seals. Or is it a pride? Somebody look that up for me, and post it here, huh? Anyway, it seems that Michael Bay has drained the Transformers of all its Spielbergian E.T. / Close Encounters / Amazing Stories influences and gone back to what he does best: films with military vehicles, military personnel, Maxim-sponsored women, and explosions, explosions, explosions. Say what you will about the guy, he's not going to put anything in his movie that's not cool! Not a chance! Even the nerds aren't REAL nerds. They're movie nerds. A true computer hacker nerd is not going to be dragged in front of the Secretary of Defense and say to his fellow hacker nerds, "I feel so under-dressed!" That dude's gonna get hacked! Of course, that was from the first one. It's a different world now. I don't know how the realm of the Transformers has been expanded this go-round... except maybe for robots that call Megan Fox a "bitch"? Did I hear that right from the clip I saw online? ..you mean, Megan Fox isn't one of the Transformers? Oh, shame on me! You know, say what you will, all you jealous critics out there, but I'm gonna just put this out there for all to consider: I think Megan Fox is the front runner for the Best Actress Oscar. You watch. She'll get the SAG Award and the Golden Globe first, of course. I mean, she's gotta pretend to be in love with Shia LaBeouf! Who wouldn't deserve the Oscar for that? I hate to badmouth Shia. He's an okay actor and all, but I mean, c'mon! He's no Zac Efron here. For a Michael Bay movie, does not each gender have to put their best and brightest forward? I guess the rule is: when it's a guy movie, the girl has to be the best. When it's a chick flick, the dude has to be Zac Efron quality. The only example I can pull off the skin of my teeth at this moment is Tyler Perry's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Of course, that's a bad example, because let's face it: Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs STILL put whitey to shame. How about She's All That? See, the rules have evolved since the 90s and the dawn of the internet revolution. The rule now is: the guy can look like a hunk of shredded beef, and the girl has to be endorsed by Maxim magazine. If not #1 on their hot 100 list, at least in their Top 5 or 10. Playboy bunnies aren't cutting it these days. Sorry, but it's true. They aren't exactly synonymous with action pictures. All that running and jumping and other assorted physical exertion. Outrunning explosions, no. These are the things they must be protected from.
The other meme floating around out there concerning Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is that it's the biggest motion picture out there... something like that. And being a serious hardcore budget fetishist over here, I'm all, um, Spider Man 3 cost like, a zillion dollars more? Okay, just 58 million more, but still more! Of course, Tr2 is a little more headache-inducing than SM3, but for different reasons. Mostly the choppy editing. Mostly that no scene in a Michael Bay pic is allowed to last longer than 1.5 seconds. Was anyone else reminded of Armageddon, incidentally? What with all those... I can only assume they were Transformers, entering the atmosphere all burning up and sh... stuff? Now he's ripping himself off! Go figure.
Okay, that's about all I got on this batch. Oh yeah, other big budget movies. Titanic was 200 million dollars. And that's 1997 dollars! The Lord of the Rings trilogy: 300 million dollars! Indiana Jones 4? 185 million! So not worth it. Makes Howard the Duck look like a wise investment. On the other end of the spectrum, who can forget Zyzzyx Road and its 30 dollar take at the box office? Oh, snap! No wonder Sizemore ended up in prison! Who wouldn't over that?

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Chambers Lynch

From the director of Boxing Helena comes... you know what? I think I'll stop right there.

Proposal does Decently...

My god! Has it been about sixteen years? Oh, that reference not only dates me, it's so old it CARBON dates me.
Well, David Carradine passed away recently... that's what I get for not taking care of this at the beginning of the week. There's been a veritable spree of celebrity deaths this week, but no one tops the King, who died because of all the lawsuits in the world. But the one I'm going to focus in on is Carradine. You might remember him as Bill of the Kill Bill franchise, or as Kane from Kung Fu in a close second, but I remember him most fondly as ... let me scan his IMDb resumé for the most obscure thing I can find... as Man Playing Dice in 1987's Heartbeat, that's right. Now, there's been a lot of ugly, scurrilous rumours about how he died, but just like Steve Guttenberg coming to Phil Hartman's defense at the moment when he least needed it, I don't want to hear anything more in the mainstream press about the dubious circumstances surrounding his departure from the planet. But I will say it might have had something to do with this picture of him in this year's Crank: High Voltage. I mean, check out the (false?) teeth and beard! WTF, dude? Even Quentin wouldn't do that to the screen legend.

Anyway, on to more pressing matters. Am I giving too much away by telling you it's my birthday this week? Did you get me a nice present? I hope not, because frankly, I can't think of anything nicer than Sondra Bullock's latest comedy, The Proposal, debuting at #1 this week. And frankly, she probably couldn't, either! She would never admit it publicly, of course, but she NEEDED this badly. I mean, producing the George Lopez show is nice and all, but that's just a day job. She's not going to do that forever... it's cancelled? Oops! Awkward... Anyway, it's the story of ... ah, who cares. All I know is, it's my life on the screen all over again. Girls are always asking me to pose as their boyfriend for one crazy reason or another. What I want to know is, for a 45-year old Sandra Bullock, isn't this technically a cougar attack? Or do we still give her a pass on that, due to the many ugly connotations of that phrse? And how is Van Wilder gonna get out of this one? Will he ever have a normal love life ever again?

Ambling quickly on to #2 is what comes after the proposal... and after the subsequent bachelor party. It's still The Hangover, still making Pixar's Up its bitch. I know these kinds of movies come along once in a lifetime, but if it makes 300 million domestic, sequel please? Just remember, Ed and Zach, Bradley Cooper's the boss here, being the most handsome of the three of you. He's still waiting on that Wedding Crashers sequel, and you'll wait on him, because that's how it works. It's all part of the grand hierarchy of show business. This just in: Ed Helms' tooth just signed a three picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

Up drops to #3. Guess you shoulda brought more balloons, fella! Seriously, though, Pixar, why so coy with the budget information? All the others gave it up! You couldn't have cost more than Wall-E, could you?

At #4, Year One makes 20 million dollars. A little less than Nacho Libre, but still too much for my taste. I still don't know why, but I still hope it bombs. So far it's right on track. Not as badly as Imagine That, but hey. Can't always get what you wish for. And rounding out the top 5, it's Pelham 123. It's John Travolta reliving his Broken Arrow-Face Off days, and Denzel... reprising Inside Man? As Donald Rumsfeld might say, you tell me!
---
As for the rest, no debuts, so who cares. For those interested, Star Trek stays at #7, same as last week. Thank the new Spock for such constancy. As for Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy, they'll work again, of course. But The Daily Show is still the hot new movie springboard in town, as you can see from The Hangover's success. Or maybe just Comedy Central in general. Who knew. For an all-comedy channel there's not a lot of laughs.

Well, that's about it for this week's box office. I assume Transformers 2 is already breaking box-office records, but we'll get into that soon enough. Over 'n out.

Will Smith: Super Guy

I've decided to save the sarcasm for the review proper, for even though he is still in the icy grip of the likes of Michael Mann, Akiva Goldsman and James Lassiter (not Pixar's John Lasseter) and an ever growing cadre of big-time Hollywood producers, Will Smith is still Mr. Fourth of July, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, though, Will, the list is getting too long. Every film nowadays has, like, 50 producers and 100 executive producers. Jonathan Mostow? Didn't he screw up Terminator 3? How does he get to keep working?
Anyway, on to the movie review proper. I'm tempted to call Hancock here a prequel to The Soloist, but only because Jason Bateman reminded me a little too much of Robert Downey Jr., but at least Bateman's got some baby fat left. Oh, and because the plots involve a white dude helping out a black dude. If you want to save yourself some time and heartache, you can end it with this: as an IMDb reviewer put it, "a good idea... poorly executed!" I couldn't have said it better myself, but I'm at least tempted to give Smith & Co. the benefit of the doubt. And I think I see what the screenwriters were trying to do here, but let's face it: these days, how many times can you wipe the superhero slate clean? In 2008 alone we had the Hulk reboot, the biggest Batman ever, Iron Man, and ... something else, I'm sure.
As you might know, I like to dig deeper and look at the hidden or not-so-hidden connections to everything. One of the scripters is the venerable Vince Gilligan, perhaps best known for his work on The X Files, but for me, this would make a great double bill with Wilder Napalm. It and Hancock are both layered stories about extraordinary people coming to terms with the powers they've been given.
But I've neglected to mention the plot. Hancock (Will Smith) starts out the movie as a superhero on the skids. Good starting point. Try to block out the bad Superman from Superman 3... you already did? Good! Anyway, he saves Jason Bateman's life, and Bateman wants to pay it forward (1) out of the goodness of his heart, and (2) he does happen to work in public relations, something Hancock could use at that point. The scenes of Hancock saving the day, yet causing colossal damage in the process, were pretty hilarious. (Think the fallout in Ghost Busters 2, but all in the same movie)
It's starting to look like a Michael Bay-esque boys night out at the movies. And frankly, I was assuming that was all director Peter Berg was capable of. But Michael Mann has mentored him well, and at some point you might notice a not-so-subtle shift in the tone of the movie. I'll try not to give it away, even though the commercials for Starz! already did, but I would like to point out that we find that the husband and wife relationship of Jason Bateman and Charlize Theron is not so dissimilar to Larry Craig's situation: Bateman's kid is from a previous marriage. So, what is Hancock? Is he like Superman, or like Highlander? A little bit of both, as you might expect. The flying sequences were a little reminiscent of The Forgotten for me. I got the feeling in The Forgotten that they were done on the cheap, as they couldn't afford Vista Glide technology to make it look cooler. There's also an arch bad guy we meet in a scene semi-reminiscent of the big botched heist scene from Mann's Heat, but I think we can all agree that it's a bit of an afterthought, considering what he's up against.
I threw in the part about a Michael Bay-esque boys' night out because the film tries to have it both ways. We've got the funny destruction stuff in the first half, but then we get the maternal nurturing stuff in the second. Single people aren't getting the respect they deserve from our nation's blockbusters lately, I'm afraid, but alas, I'm not smart enough yet to address that full on. We're treated to Hancock's mortality, and a similar inverse relationship like at the end of the first Spider Man, where two people have to stay away from each other... oh, but I'm giving too much away now. The door's open for a sequel, but I'm not optimistic about it at this point. The box office might've been, but the franchise might buckle under the weight of Hancock's physics and loopholes thereof. I should probably give it less than three stars, but what the hell. I'm feeling generous.
...changed my mind. Three stars for the first half. And the kid in the movie. His name is Jae Head, but I still think he's one of the Culkins. And how did the Reno 911 guy get in on this? Isn't he ruining enough things on his own as it is?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Richard Loncraine

Well, I had to choose between Louis Leterrier, Richard Linklater and James Lemmo next, but I thought I'd be a true maverick and go with Richard Loncraine instead, another L guy. Oh, poor Linklater: he looks like a cross between Will Forte and Alfred Molina. But I digress.
Now, I probably won't be able to do Mr. Loncraine the proper justice here. According to his IMDb bio, he's quite accomplished and acclaimed. He did win a Primetime Emmy for My House in Umbria. On the other hand, he was replaced by Wolfgang Peterson on Enemy Mine. Which I guess would explain why ol' Wolfie was able to go from The NeverEnding Story to that one so quickly. On the other hand, he didn't direct for many years after that, and when he did, it was Shattered. I believe they refer to it as The Curse of Enemy Mine. It hurt everyone's career but Dennis Quaid. Go figure. But, I digress a second time. Third time's a spanking, if I remember correctly.
Okay, back on track. So! Loncraine's acclaimed AND accomplished. But, do actors like working with / for him? That I can't speak to, so I'll go directly to my Decade Theory. What decade of his long, illustrious career is his favorite? Was it the obscure 70s where he dabbled in quasi-experimental film? When everyone was fawning over Julia, he was doing The Haunting of Julia, but you might know and love it as Full Circle. No, not the 70s. So, surely it's the go-go 80s. 1982 was a banner year in particular, with his two quite opposite films, The Missionary and Brimstone and Treacle. These days, who's to say which is now the comedy. But you gotta love the opening credit sequence of B&T... that's the only part I saw.
Or maybe it's the go-go '90s when the world had to clean up the flaming wreckage of the Me Decade, and embrace a new found spirit of love and understanding, and the PC police were on the rise. And Loncraine's re-envisioning of Richard III... well, it at least put Ian McKellen above the fray of just your average run-of-the-mill great actors, and into the stratosphere. I hate to say it, but from The Shadow to Last Action Hero, every time I see McKellen in one of these now old movies, he sounds just like Gandalf. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Apt Pupil, well, I haven't seen it. Would it kill them to show it on the MGM HD channel? Actually, it might. Okay, skip that.
---
No, if Loncraine's smart, and I think he is, he'll say that the 2000s are his favorite decade. Look at all that work! All that successful work! An episode of Band of Brothers. Working with Harrison Ford. With Paul Bettany on two separate occasions. Oh, it's like Sting is young again and NOT starring in things like... well, things like Brimstone and Treacle. I coulda sworn Richard Curtis had something to do with Wimbledon. Guess not. Just seems like it, as it is Curtis-esque. Oh, The Vicar of Dibley. This is the kind of thing Monty Python would make fun of, back in the day.
---
So, in summation, Loncraine's on top of the world right now, flying high in his favorite decade. And what's next? Oh, not much. Just a release for 2009 called My One and Only. Gonna be playing stateside August 21, limited release. Good way to drum up business! Play hard to get with a limited release. And it stars... Renee Zellweger?!! Abort! Abort!

Open Letter to America: Why do you hate Pixar?

Let me just start by saying, I don't know why, but suddenly, now I want Year One to bomb. I don't know why. Maybe it's Jack Black. Maybe it's Juno's boyfriend, I don't know. I just really want it to bomb for some reason. No offense, Ramis. It's just the jealousy talking.
All right. On to the fun stuff. Well, I gotta pay my respects now with the proper hangover-themed jpeg image, because The Hangover hangs in there at #1, baby. But, there are some heavy hitters on the horizon waiting to take your place. Other big comedies like The Proposal are coming soon, and believe me, you'll need a hangover to enjoy that one. Now, I hate to critique other critics, but the chick from the Rotten Tomatoes show on the Current channel, I think she said it best about The Hangover. In reviewing the three male leads in the picture, she saved Bradley Cooper for last, noting "Finally! Something for the ladies." May these cold, brutal, cutting comments not haunt you the rest of your days, Ed Helms and John Belushi... I mean, Andy Milonakis. No, that's not right, either. What is that guy's name, and what's he been in before? ...Zach Galifianakis. Damn, that's a mouthful. I suggest doing like Gisele Bündchen: drop the last name. And if you go out with Leonardo di Caprio, HANG ON TO HIM, for God's sake! Giz, what were you thinking?
Okay, on to the rest of the losers. Up at #2? LOSER! Pelham 123 debuting at #3? LOSER! That's Helgeland's fault, I know it. Worse, it didn't even crack the IMDb Top 250 yet like these other two.
Moving on, Night at the Museum 2? LOSER! Land of the Lost? Oh... It's too heartbreaking already. Quizno's will go bankrupt over this one. See, part of the problem was they were showing repeats of the old TV show, and people saw how crappy they were and, being naive and gullible, figured the movie would be the same way. Unfortunately, they're not turning out in droves to be pleasantly surprised...
---
And now, the second half. Eddie Murphy's latest debuts at #6. At this point, it doesn't really matter what it's called. At this point, he's got two careers: his Shrek career, and his non-Shrek career. But Eddie's not going to work for Tyler Perry. No, he's too proud for that. Beverly Hills Cop 4, on the other hand... Now, Murphy's last two vehicles, Norbit and Meet Dave were directed by the same man: Brian Robbins. Here's my question: why not complete the trilogy? You did, like, twenty pictures with John Landis! What's the big deal? Didn't Norbit make a ton of money? ..oh, right, Meet Dave kinda counteracted that. Meet Dave made Pluto Nash look like a runaway hit, frankly. Time to move on. And, of course, a brief shout-out to scripters Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson who clearly have taken a long break from each other since the glory of their Bill and Ted days. Ganz/Mandel they're not. Elliot/Rossio they're not. To be fair, I think they're doing better than the Wibberleys. Or, at least, their souls are a little more intact.
As for the rest, well, you see it's all sequels and reboots: Star Trek reboot, Terminator 4, Da Vinci 2, and finally, Drag Me to Hell. Gotta love that poster. And they use that neo-classical Planes, Trains & Automobiles yuppified font! That's a personal favorite of mine... Well, I gotta give my family something they can ask me about. They'll ask me, "I didn't know you liked the font of Planes, Trains & Automobiles!" Oh, the shame of it all. I better go.

Auteur Watch - Neil LaBute

Why, Nick! Why the sad face? Things are looking up for this guy, so he should HARDLY wear a face like that. Good Lord. His favorite decade? Surely this one we're in right now. The 2000s. Never look back. Oh sure, it got off to a shaky start. He came out of the 90s strong with... basically, the same movie twice: In the Company of Men, and Your Friends & Neighbors. Oh, don't try to change my mind. Why, it's like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction all over again, although some would argue that YF&N is no Pulp Fiction. The main thing is that Aaron Eckhart was his muse, the Penelope Cruz to his Almodovar, if you will. That kinda crap. Oh, but he was hardly done torturing Eckhart. He gave him a new haircut in Nurse Betty, so to speak, followed by the merciless obscurity of Posession. Then, have the audacity to leave him completely out of The Shape of Things! WTF, dude? But this auteur finally saw the light, and joined the big time boys with The Wicker Man starring Nic Cage. Well, remakes are still hot, and some directors can't help but ask themselves, damn it, why can't I too?
So LaBute was in the big time now. And how to follow this success? With another, of course. Duh! Specifically, a success called Lakeview Terrace. Some called it reverse racist pablem, Ebert gave it 4 stars, and the moviegoing public gave it a #1 spot to the tune of about 22 million dollars. It's a win-win-win, baby. So! How to follow up that fluke? Well, Neil knows the way: another remake. This one's called Death at a Funeral. Man! Frank Oz needs to get a better distribution deal! I mean, remaking a film that's only three years old? Why? Just to say you did it? Here's hoping it does better than Chloe in the Afternoon, Chris Rock! I better go...

Another stunning reversal...

...but I'm going with the "Pixar" image anyway. Yes, God love 'em, The Hangover wins the big recount! It is now the #1 movie this week instead of Up. Well, 90% of 68 million is still better than... whatever percentage Disney gets of that 44 million that Up made this week. I'm assuming it's less. But in terms of legacy, Up is higher up than The Hangover on the IMDb Top 250, although I'm assuming both will drop. Shawshank will not be easily threatened by every wannabe that comes along.
But what I REALLY wanted to discuss this week: Will Ferrell. And even though Land of the Lost bites the big one at #3, one can't help but notice that Mr. Ferrell is entering that all-important phase in a funnyman's career: polishing that public image. Oh, he's more than just the goofy SNL funnyman to be sure, in case you didn't already know, with his Dog Show bits and pretending to be a cat when inventing new cat toys. And it's more than just making surprise visits to his alma mater and entertaining the bigshots of tomorrow. Now it's going to all the big ribbon cuttings and visiting the big, sexy government agencies like NASA, and really solidifying the old public image. He's probably not going to end up going as far as Angelina Jolie and become a special envoy to the U.N. and save children or some crap like that. But he's going to come close. Damn close, while still walking that tightrope between being the goofy comedian and being the absolute envy of all those talentless WASPy white men out there who look to him for guidance in their daily professional and personal lives. He's got to solidify his position in the world as a world citizen, because the box office totals aren't going to do it on their own, obviously. Personally, I blame Silberling for this. I mean, 10 Items or Less, my ass!
Moving quickly on to #4, it's... let me check the window here... NatM:BotS for short with Benjamin Stiller the First. It's over the 100 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! At #5, Star Trek. Over the 200 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! What is with you, thrifty American moviegoing public? Get it together, man!
---
As for 6 thru 10, or 'The Dregs' as I lovingly think of them, a bunch of bloody sequels, metaphorical or real. Here's what I mean: #6 is Terminator 4, which I think is the first time a McG film's crossed the 100 million barrier domestically. Certainly since We Are Marshall. Yeeggggh! At #7, Evil Dead 4, basically. I know, I know, it is better than that. Gotta dig that poster. Just pullin' your chain, Raimi. Now get back to Spider Man 4. At #8, Da Vinci Code 2, at #10, Dance Flick 1 or Wayans Bros. Comedy 7! Something like that. And finally, a breakthrough debut! My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 at #9. Or 3 if you count Connie & Carla as MBFGW2. No, the title's not just referring to Vardalos' career rise and fall post Greek Wedding. She's getting back to rom-com basics with this. Incidentally, wonder whatever happened to that FOX reality spinoff show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss? Oh, no one can ride the gravy train forever.
Except Spielberg, of course.

Auteur Watch - Alex Kendrick

Do you realize I'm still using only 1% of the allotted space that my blog allows? Man! So much more blogging to do. Anyway, seeing as how I'm trying to wrap it up so I can get into my damn bed, I couldn't think of a more appropriate auteur to profile than Alex Kendrick. With his brother Stephen by his side, they're kind of a religious Coen brothers. I profiled Alex last year because his latest F picture, Fireproof, managed to crack the top 10. See that, Pat Robertson? All you need is a little star power and a budget, and the moviegoing public will indeed respond. Look at Angels and Demons! ...well, better look quick before it disappears entirely. Lamentably, there's nothing new on the horizon for the Kendricks. Perhaps they've gone quietly back to the day jobs, or maybe they got into a big diva fest with Lions Gate, jealous of the deal Tyler Perry's got with them. Sorry, guys, but Tyler's got at least 5 years seniority on you. Incidentally, Ty, you can't be huggin' on the Fresh Prince's bride like that! WTF, man?
...where was I? Ah, who cares.

Up, up and away...

Damn! That's what I get for procrastinating. Down to the wire again. It'll be about 10 hours before the next box office totals are posted, and I think I'm about ready for sleep, so I apologize in advance, but I gotta keep it short. As expected, the latest Pixar juggernaut, Up, is king of the box office. Leaving all others in its dust, this seemingly simple fable of an old man who sails his house away by attaching thousands of regular balloons to it, is surrounded by complex marketing strategies. As we speak, they're running the ads showing plane-flying bulldogs parachuting. Reminds me of Valiant. Oops! Must not... mention... other... Pixar-esque films.
The other debut this week is Sam Raimi's latest, Drag Me to Hell. For some reason, I thought this was doomed to obscurity and a small release. Quite the opposite! While it's no Up, it's got legs of its own, proving that there is STILL a market for PG-13 movies. Why, there's not an R in the bunch this week! Something troubling about that. Also would like to point out Obsessed's anemic take at #10, with only 657,000 in the bank this week. On the plus side, the theaters get a higher percentage of that, but let's try to keep the #10 film above at least 1 million, okay, guys? (... I don't know who that's for, exactly...)

Short Reviews - May 2009

Ah, the final week of school. Is there any better time of year? I wanted to be able to hammer out the latest box office breakdown and episode of Auteur Watch first, but homework duty calls. Not to mention the hyperlinks. Always with the hyperlinks. I thought computers were supposed to make our lives easier. Meanwhile, dog activist Kim Sill recently appeared on the Dog Whisperer... Hmm! Why does she look familiar? In other news, when is Michael Chiklis going to star in the Joe the Plumber story? Just wondering. Okay, on to the reviews...

Mega Shark vs. Octopus - I have had it with these m#@$% Mega Sharks!

Up - If you don't like this film, you're not a human being.

BASEketball - If you don't laugh at this movie... you have a normal, healthy sense of humor.

Management - Ah, the Battle of the Sexes rages on. The women put up their best and brightest: Jennifer Aniston. Smart, funny, erudite, and looking fabulous. And the men put up their best and brightest: Steve Zahn. Handsome face, bad haircut, frumpy clothing, 75 IQ, and tells Aniston at one point that she's got a great butt. Can you even doubt that these two deserve each other? Are they not evenly matched?

The Last Templar - Oh, Mira Sorvino! You've joined the Jesus Freaks, too?

Basic Instinct 2 - If there was one film Charlotte Rampling could take off her resumé, well, ...

State of Play - Not only are the newspapers going bankrupt, but movies about newspapers on the verge of bankruptcy are going bankrupt too! And of course, see the original series...

Rules of Engagement - I have had it with these motherf** Vietnam War movies!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - We know, we know. It's always the girlfriends' fault.

Making Sandwiches - Bud Hoagie? Great name!

Once Around - Now Dreyfuss is the Bob!

Batman Forever - Now Tommy's the Chigurh!

Year One - I'm sorry. There's only one definitive Stone Age comedy, and that's National Lampoon's The Stoned Age. Which I've never seen, but you would think it would be good. ...right?

Cassandra's Dream - I'm starting to wonder. Between this, and Crimes and Misdemeanors, and Match Point... Woody, is there something you're trying to tell us? Did you once shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

Management - ...just saw the profile of this on the Rotten Tomatoes TV show. This is surely the When Harry Met Sally of this era. On the other hand, you may think Zahn is this close to getting his ass kicked by telling Jennifer Aniston that she's got a great butt. But it works! He gets to touch it! He must be doing SOMETHING right! I'm as much a part of the feminist movement as the next guy, but clearly the feminists have given up on the mainstream media sphere. It's been downhill for many years now, and surely this shouldn't even qualify as a 'gut check' checkpoint, but it's just too good to pass up. And right after Marley and Me and everything. What would Marley say?

The Spirit - A PG-13 version of The Spirit at Wal-Mart? Oh, no. This is wrong. So very wrong. On many, many levels. I think Frank Miller's street cred's gonna take a hit over this one... (robocop 3)

The Devil's Tomb - What? Cuba Gooding Jr., you want to be taken seriously NOW? I don't think so. Not after the likes of light, fluffy family fare like Rat Race, Snow Dogs and Instinct.

The Girl Gets Moe - Tony Danza, you want to be taken seriously NOW?!!!

Rudo Y Corsi - Just replace the soccer with filmmaking, and you've got the Cuaron brothers' life story. Face it, Carlos, you're just late to the game!

"The Insider" - Is Ashley Tisdale hosting "The Insider" now?

Angels & Demons - Well, Tom Hanks is not quite in Kirk Cameron territory yet. Maybe when he completes the Robert Langdon trilogy in 2012. Can you even doubt that it's going to happen?

Land of the Lost - Daddy, can we watch Eastbound & Down next? We need more Danny McBride!

Payback with Mel Gibson - When will people learn that torture doesn't work? Mel gets two of his toes smashed with a hammer here, and HE didn't provide the information his questioners wanted!

Little Man - Some of Tony Cox's best work.

Dance Flick - Oh, the Wayans dynasty just can't win. It was time for a dance flick send-up, but they're just not the Zuckers...

Harry in your Pocket - Something like that... Hooray for Seattle! A so-so movie town.

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? - Redford must've been busy. Get the brunette Redford instead. Hey, don't ask me why Turner Classic Movies is having a Sarrazin-a-thon...

Another Woman - Gena Rowlands makes a bad Woody Allen. Which may be a good thing. Maybe Woody should've gotten a child a long time ago. Care about someone else for a change.

Management - Gotta keep it simple. For the sake of all the Mikes out there. This is indeed the Marley and Me of relationship movies. And not just because Aniston's in this as well. Long live your Mike!

"Nurse Jackie" - Another new Showtime original series... wait a second! Carmela Soprano has another new hit series? I'm sorry. This is unacceptable to me.

And finally...

Mary Mother of Christ (2010) - Indeed...