Anyway, speaking of meaningless numbers, Roger Ailes. He's a Republican's idea of a television genius, and he apparently recently stepped down as ... whatever he was over there at Faux News. Now, they say it's because 85-year old Rupert Murdoch doesn't want some creepy 76-year old sex guy running his family-oriented operation over there at Faux News! My GOD, sir! Have ye no morals? Don't they realize that sexual intercourse is strictly used for purposes of procreation? As Ted Cruz might say, it's pro-creation, not re-creation. And what's with that one photo of him, anyway? Surely it's a still from that new biopic starring Geoffrey Rush as the embattled TV CEO... oh, I get it. He's carefully hiding the double chin in that photo. Normally the jowls roam free, but not for the official portrait, oh no.
So that's what they're telling the public, about Ailes' roadie-like antics with the band aids, but something tells me the real reason Ailes is going is far, far more sinister... a pay raise gone wrong, perhaps. Or maybe Ailes just needs to be let go, kicking and screaming, and set adrift on a lone ice floe like in that movie North, because God love him, he just won't leave of his own accord. It's kind of a sad thing, being 76 years old, and still running around, trying to score some black market Viagra, but that's how the devil works sometimes. Ailes made his deal with the devil, because the devil said "The only way that you, Roger Ailes, can have any woman that you want, is to have your own television studio. Just think of it as a larger version of that kissing booth you had as a five year old. The women will come to you, and all you have to do is promise to help their careers. And you will tell them that this is the way it has always been done, ever since time first began, in the Republican party." And Ailes said "Yes! Genius! I will do as you have commanded me, O Dark Lord with red cloven feet."
But it's never enough for a guy like Ailes, of course. When Megyn Kelly first passed through the portals at Fox News, for example, Ailes was right back on that red phone. He said, "Yeah, hello, Devil? Ailes here. Yeah, um... what's the deal with this Megyn Kelly chick? No matter what I do, she's JUST NOT INTERESTED in me!" And the Devil's all, like, "Yes, the Jesus-iness is strong in this one. She's got a self-confidence like I've not seen in ages, not since Anne Boleyn or Helen of Troy... but I don't know. She's not really my type, anyway. She's not that pretty, is she? She's, frankly, kinda goofy looking. Like Laura Ingraham, but without the boxer's nose." But Ailes won't have it. "Look, 'The Devil', she's the fresh meat on MY turf, and I've got to make her mine. THINK of something!" said Ailes, adding his usual boilerplate about fulfilling contractual obligations and what not. Maybe that's what happened! I mean, you can't go pissing off the devil like that. He's the Devil, after all! He'll cut a bitch, believe you me, and just with that weird-ass tail of his. It's sharper than it looks, and the dark red Lord knows how to swing it.
Anyway, off to the races. As expected, the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise is at #1... if only for Anton Yelchin. Very sad. Alas, as is the custom these days, the writers aren't wasting any time, writing around the loss of Chekov, as is the custom these days. But they wanted to keep a Russian character in the mix, and my inside-the-beltway sources tell me the new Russian member of the USS Enterprise is going to be called... PUTIN? Oh, I hope that's a typo.
These numbers are very weird this weekend. Films 3, 4 and 5 all made about $20 million! Unusual. Debuting at #4, it's the latest PG-13 low-budget horror flick, and it's called Lights Out. (#lightsout, of course) Well, Maria Bello's a good sport. At #5, it's Ice Age 5 with the subtitle Collision Course. Named, of course, in honor of Lewis Teague's 1989 cop buddy pic, Collision Course with Jay Leno and Pat Morita. For Morita, it was still more fun than any Karate Kid pic he did after the second one... wait a minute! Neil deGrasse Tyson's got a part in Ice Age 5? Why the lack of publicity, buddy? Why the non-mention that last time you were on "Real Time with Bill Maher"? I guess I wouldn't be too proud of it, either. Also, it's not a Disney property, so the cast wouldn't assemble on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" to lovingly tell stories about how it's been... well, it's only been four years since the fourth one, so who cares? We'll get it on DVD, if we think of it. I know, I know, nothing less than Blu-Ray will do, but DVD should be fine for Ice Age 5, trust me. But I give total credit to the original cast of John Leguizamo, Denis Leary and Ray Romano, for being such troopers and soldiering their way back into the recording booths to read their lines. A lesser filmmaker might think of replacing them with, say, Cheech Marin, Colin Quinn and... you know, that guy on "30 Rock" who did an impression of Ray Romano. I'd know the difference, guys! I'd know...
And finally, my talking about a right-winger right off the bat has sort of a payoff, because coming in strong at #9 in the national Box Office Top 10, it's a right-wing "documentary" about Hillary Clinton... or as something like "The Drudge Report" would say, MUST-SEE CINEMA. THE GREATEST DOCUMENTARY IN THE HISTORY OF DOCUMENTARIES... sorry about shouting. Finally! The truth shall be revealed! Don't let me down, Onion A.V. Club... dayamn! They don't usually give out 'F's. Well, I hope the films' directors don't read that; as you know, right-wingers especially hate bad grades. They already hate school, and this would just compound it that much farther... further.
But just remember, kids! If you rearrange the letters in Roger Ailes' name, you get "serial ogre."
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