Auteur Watch - Kevin Jerome Everson

Ah hah!  Good strategy.  Mr. Everson is one of these people that has a long résumé thanks to short films.  Lots and lots of short films.  He appeals to the science and or "Breaking Bad" fans with titles like Fe26 (and rather especially so with that one, as it's one of his IMDb Top 4), Sugarcoated Arsenic, Quality Control, Cinnamon... and of course, giving a nod to the Hollywood of old with titles like Pictures from Dorothy, The Golden Age of Fish and Rhinoceros... not the 1974 feature with Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, naturally.  Admittedly, we could use a new one.
So the only question is: does this guy have a YouTube channel?  Well, a perfunctory search doesn't turn one up right away.  Oh, but he's all over it, big time.  He's on YouTube like a bitch.  Bigly... damn, sorry about that.  Still trying to cut down.  Anyway, given Kevin's predilection for travelling the world in search of subjects that would look good in 16mm, I wonder what would happen if he got together with Jason Mann, who did similar world travels before hitting box office gold with HBO.  Will the global community ever be the same?

Hey Moana

Yeah, nostalgia is fun.  For example, I suddenly remember this show on MTV called "The Big Picture" (not affiliated with the 1989 Christopher Guest film of the same name) and one of the features they would have on there is the top five movies at the box office.  And as you may know by now, even in a horse race such as this, people do often have their favourites.  For exmaple, host Chris Connelly was a champion of the Joel Schumacher film Dying Young.  A big champion of it.  Alas, it wasn't exactly the box office gold that, say, Flatliners was at the time.  You know, Brat Pack and all.  Wow.  There's a blast from the past for ya!  But there was one title that managed to climb its way to #1 somehow, probably surprising even the film's makers, and that was F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion.  Directed by Richard Franklin, and the sequel to the 1986 original called F/X.  Long before there was a cable channel with a similar name, mind you.  Now, you're probably thinking, oh, the co-director of Quick Change!  I love that movie.  Well, the IMDb informs us that, no, it in fact is HOWARD Franklin.  I'm always getting those two mixed up for some reason.
Anyway, so F/X2 was #1 at the box office, and host Chris Connelly says "Yeah.  Two letters and a number.  Terrific."  Something like that.  I take it he wasn't a fan.  As for us in the present day, something called Moana is #1.  I had a feeling it would do well because I saw some information about it on a box of Rice Krispies.  I couldn't see anything else at all!  So while Moana chants her litany of boredom and frustration, as for me, well... if I go to heaven and Moana's not there, I'm going to write its name on the heavenly stair.  Meantime, someone needs to tell John Lasseter to give it up.  Yeah, beauty pageants are fun.
The only other debuts this week are the old timers down on their luck again.  Big surprise.  First, there's the new Zemeckis non-MoCap feature called Allied.  The Onion didn't care for it, of course; not "transcendent" enough, apparently, which is a little rich coming from a fake newspaper, in a way.  But there's a lesbian lover in it, for God's sake!  Thereby disappointing both fans of Turner Classic Movies, AND all the Millenial LGBTs out there who can smell a trap a mile away.  There were lesbians in some of those old Turner Classic movies at the time, people just didn't officially know it.
As for Bad Santa 2, well... my boys weren't behind the camera at all on this one.  How did that happen, exactly?  I guess the contract lawyers screwed them again.  Usually producers get a piece of any future sequel, don't they?  I guess they're on to bigger and better things instead.  So let's instead examine the filmography of BS2 director Mark Waters.  Well, the most wholesome thing appears to be 2005's Just Like Heaven, and I'm sure he'll take as much credit for Reese Witherspoon's Oscar win as he can.  (Walk the Line, incidentally)  And I'm assuming that Mr. Popper's Penguins and The Spiderwick Chronicles, while basically for kids, has as much raunch packed into their frames as he could.  So perhaps he has the stuff to take on the tradition that a Bad Santa movie requires.  Again, the Onion is soooo picky, calling it basically a "re-gifting" but that it stays current on all the latest raunchiness, nomenclature and otherwise.  What MORE do they WANT?!!!!!  I gotta go.

While His Guitar Gently Doubles as a Flame Thrower

Yeah, myths and legends are fun.  Just ask Jeff Albertson!  But how do you go about creating one, quite inorganically?  Well, in the case of Robert Rodriguez's 2003 offering, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, the completion of his El Mariachi trilogy, more or less, despite the fact that none of the original cast of the first $7,000 El Mariachi has returned, I'm assumpting... in this case, you follow the new standard sequel rules, as basically laid down by megahits like the Indiana Jones films and the Lethal Weapon films.  To an existing myth and legend, you add a few new key characters (Jones), and you add that the hero and heroine have a baby (LW4).  That the heroine and baby are revisited in flashback because of the tragic death that befell them (spoiler alert) just makes the myth and legend... all the more myth-y and legend-y, I guess.
Salma Hayek returns as the heroine from 1995's Desperado and, as one of the characters in the movie informs us, she's perhaps the most beautiful woman we've ever met.  Unfortunately, she shows a lot less skin here than she did in Desperado... except for her very smooth tummy.  Why, it practically has a starring role all its own.  All the girls in the audience want to get the workout DVD involved now!  Feminine and muscular, but not to the point of freaky egg-crate like abs.  Frankly, Once seems to have considerably less bite than Desperado, generally.  For example, in Desperado, Quentin Tarantino visited the worst toilet in all of Mexico.  Clearly, Rodriguez took the studio's notes to heart about that.  And all we get in terms of weapons to pack inside a guitar case is a mere flame thrower.  I feel cheated.  Downright cheated.
Now, to be even more frank, there's nothing the American audience likes more than a good myth and or legend... and that's part of the problem.  The myth/legend market's saturated these days, frankly, and the rise of the very snooty myth/legend connoisseur class continues unabated.  Much like the focus test audience on The Simpsons, we want a realistic myth that deals with real emotions and complex, modern problems... that also features aliens and dinosaurs.  Something like that. 
As for the more hardcore science nerds among us, well... you've probably had your earful of them already.  Take the sequence involving Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, and the chain that binds both their wrists together.  It's a pretty cool, breathtaking sequence, and I'm guessing it informed the thinking of at least Martin Campbell before he fired up the old creative juices going into his Zorro sequel, then right on into Casino Royale (2006) right after.  But then... it dies the death of a thousand plot holes.  Sure, it looks like it's actually Banderas and Hayek hanging there a hundred feet above the ground, which could also mean that Mexican movie stars have considerably less rights than we first thought.
Anyway, so they awaken from slumber, and Antonio looks out the window, in that movie star way of his, to see two guys in army fatigues with machine guns.  They start to fire.  The bullets hit the wall just above his head.  The chained twosome make a break for it.  They then find themselves on the balcony just outside their room.  There's, like, four or five soldiers with machine guns and they all start to fire... now, seriously, are they ALL that bad of shots?  Is the balcony just THAT good at repelling bullets?  Who's with me?  And so, they start their mythic escape from the tiny window on the top floor.  They use the chain to their mutual benefit, and swing from floor to floor on their way down.  More shooters are positioned outside, all with machine guns, and the bullets fly anew.  Enough bullets fly to knock the external metal staircase from its mooring, and it falls, crunching a car in the alley below (right in time with the music, BTW).  Again, I ask... really?  Seriously?  Not ONE bullet of the hundreds that are now flying?  Not ONE hits either Banderas or Hayek?  Hmm.  Must be part of that whole legend and or myth thing.  I mean, it's pushing the luck of BOTH Jules and Vincent, I'm just sayin'.  And then, of course, there's the matter of them hanging on to the building with their mere hands.  One hangs on as the other jumps and or gets thrown to the floor below.  As one of my viewing companions quietly observed, "I don't think they're strong enough to hang on."  Again, the legend and or myth.  Or, in even more Simpsons terms, a wizard did it!  Love that show.
As for the finale, well... writer/producer/associate producer/director/cameraman/caterer Rodriguez does a fine, workman-like job of setting up the final conflict between the good guys and Mexican General Bad Guy and his dozens of soldiers.  I hate to spoil the surprise, so I'll try not to, but the fate of the assassin's target turned out happily enough.  And most everyone went on to bigger and better things.  Take Julio Iglesias' son, for example, who's now the king of some of the douchebaggiest songs you'll ever hear.  Tonight I'm loving you, my girlfriend's on vacation and she doesn't need to know, what have you.  Well, admittedly, he's gorgeous enough to pull off the occasional and or regular basis adultery.  As for Johnny Depp, well... I was a little unclear if he was playing one character or several, but I'm pretty sure he was doing a Brando impression in the confession booth, that I'm pretty sure of.  Depp gets to be a bit of a legend here in his own right, ending up as The CIA Man with No Eyes (and, for some reason, a Mechanical Third Arm), let's say.  Spoiler alert.
As for the cinematography, well... the older I get, the more I see some films as a travelogue of places I'll probably never see in person.  The more popular term is, of course, "stay-cation."  Uggh.  Now, I love America probably not as much as the red states do, but I'm always more impressed with Mexican architecture than our own.  It's got something: panache, style, zazz, zing, zork, better pastels, what have you.  They can't all be mere monoliths of steel and glass, right?  And even though the art of digital cinematography was relatively new when this was made, Rodriguez learned early on that the trick is to keep the camera AS STILL AS POSSIBLE, ALL THE TIME.  Sure, mostly to give it that indie feel, but any time you do a pan shot (i.e., moving the camera around when it's on a mere tripod), things tend to get streaky.  Even now, but the art of the digital aperture is constantly improving.  Some have called Rodriguez a pioneer of digital cinematography, but they tend to forget about Michael Mann's Ali, for one.  For him, I guess it was an improvement, but the film still cost $100 million to make anyway.
I will take this opportunity to report that we just happen to get a TV upgrade.  As sort of a post-celebration victory lap of the occasion, the chief viewing planner of the household went to the pawn shop, and Once was one of the titles obtained there.  DVD, Superbit version.  Now, I can't speak to the mythic and or legendary status of Superbit DVDs in general, as the only other Superbit title we have is 1997's Starship Troopers.  The original, as opposed to the too-many-to-count direct-to-DVD sequels that followed.  Now maybe it's just the Blu-Ray talking, but you're kinda letting me down, Superbit!  As for my final summation about myths and legends and Rodriguez' part in all of it, I will say that Once is quite understated compared to the Machete that was soon to follow.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Falling in Love with H. G. Wells

The time: last night.  The place: Turner Classic Movies.  The movie: 1979's Time After Time... the Cyndi Lauper song must've come later.  I don't think this is one that TCM usually shows, but as the years march on, and the channel's mission scope continues to creep... I'll still be very surprised if they show any of the Friday the 13th movies, like sister channel AMC... well, even Robert Osborne gets tired of constantly singing the praises of Lawrence of Arabia.  Can't other films from the '70s be classics, too?
Now, you might think we should start with H.G. Wells, seeing as how he's the central character of this film and what not.  But this is my blog, and I think we should start instead with Nicholas Meyer.  And even though Time After Time is a Warner Bros. picture, Meyer's first home is still Paramount Pictures, don't kid yourselves, and their beloved Star Trek series.  Before becoming a director, Meyer dabbled in unit publicity, and a little novel called "The Seven-Per-Cent Solution," which was his take on the Sherlock Holmes series.  Hey, sometimes you just gotta go for the gusto, and try and one-up the old masters like Doyle!  Hollywood took notice, making sure to ignore Meyer's Invasion of the Bee Girls sordid past, and the movie version of 7%S was soon made.  Meyer wasn't quite ready to direct, either in his own opinion or Hollywood's, but a director's chair stalwart like Herb Ross ain't a bad tutor, apparently.  Either him or Arthur Hiller, both perfectly adept.  But by the time of Time After Time, the director's chair was his to take, for some reason.  Well, kissing the asses of the Paramount shareholders didn't hurt, I'm betting, and I guess 7%S was a modest hit, even if it wasn't completely faithful to the novel.  And even if the novel wasn't faithful to the Sherlock Holmes tradition, that's immaterial.  Novels must be respected on their own two legs.
And so, we get to the setup of Time After Time.  The year: 1893.  The place: London, England.  The opening scene: a rather grisly PG-rated murder of a lady of the night.  That's right... we get two historical icons for the price of one: H.G. Wells, and Jack the Ripper.  Side by side, as they were always meant to be, apparently.  Well, now that the opening intro's done, time for the scenario that will consume the rest of this thing.  Much like we meet Rod Taylor in 1960's The Time Machine, so too do we meet H. G. Wells hosting a dinner party, talking about this and that... free love?  In 1890?  Really?  Seriously?  I mean, it's... okay, whatever.  Let's keep going.  Wells is waiting to reveal a big surprise, but not until his last dinner guest arrives.  It's David Warner, and even though his name is Stevenson... I mean, he's just gotta be Jack the Ripper.  Just gotta.
Okay, so all the dinner guests are there.  Time for Wells' big surprise.  And what's the surprise?  A time machine, all-electric, complete with parabolic dish to collect the sun's rays.  You know, to power the time machine... okay, to keep things short and sweet, we'll just skip over all of that.  Apparently, Wells wrote his time machine novel in 1895, so that fits.  My viewing companion, on the other hand, had a problem with the machine's glass.  Apparently, the art of smooth, professional-grade glass hadn't been perfected by that point.  Kevin Costner's Open Range is an example of honest to goodness, true-to-life amateur glass windows.  Also, the big roulette wheel-type wheel is missing on Wells' time machine.  Oh well.  Wells passes on to his dinner guests, and to us indirectly, a few key features of the time machine.  There's a key to lock and unlock the machine, and some kind of weird, rainbow-creating wand that allows the machine to return to its point of origin... something like that.  The older I get, the less significant unsignificant details like that become.
Now, I don't mean to question the genius of H.G. Wells, but the premise of this movie has forced my hand.  1) Wells has two table-sized blueprints with all the details of a functioning time machine.  2) Unlike the time machine in the 1960 and 2002 versions, as we find out later, Wells' time machine is able to make a leap from London to San Francisco.  3) Even though, during Wells' 2001-esque journey after Jack the Ripper (who's already used said machine), the time machine threatens to break apart at the seams, it manages to hold together, despite the loosening of a few screws (available in 1893?).  And 4) the time machine is able to return to Wells' basement after Jack the Ripper has used it.  I just think it's quite a bit of disbelief to suspend for one movie... and that's just the beginning.
Now, the fun part... oh, and I should point out that Malcolm McDowell plays H. G. Wells.  So, Wells follows Jack the Ripper into the future, all the way to the year 1979.  And why 1979?  Um... because it's when this film's actually being made, dummy!  Derrrrr!!!!!  I mean, no one had a problem with Back to the Future taking place in 1985, right? ...where was I?  Oh yeah.  And so, H.G. Wells makes the journey from 1893 London to 1979 San Francisco.  After a few minutes of getting his bearings... he is a genius, after all.  Shouldn't take him that long to do anything... he's hot on the trail of this other time traveler.  Armed with a few pounds and a couple pieces of 1893 jewelry, Wells goes to every bank in the city to try and find Jack the Ripper, who's surely done the same thing.  At this point, I can't help but think of Jack Benny's old routine, where he's giving a young lady directions to get somewhere, and all his instructions include various banks.  When the young lady points out that there's a much simpler way to get there without going past all those darn banks, Benny waits a beat and says "Well, okay, if you don't like scenery!"
Okay, back to the anachronisms of Time After Time.  Wells meets up with bank employee Mary Steenburgen, and needles to say it's your proverbial love at first sight.  Apparently, this movie made Steenburgen officially a star, but I might attribute it to either Goin' South or Melvin and Howard.  Her performance in this movie seems to have informed Melanie Griffiths' late 80s early 90s work, but again, that's just me.  Soon enough, Wells and this bank employee are in bed together... hey, just because a guy travels through time doesn't mean he's completely dead inside!  Look at all the American soldiers in WWII who married French gals, for one.
Oh, and Wells catches up to Jack the Ripper.  For those of you who are fans of great Malthusian dialogue, this part's for you.  With the help of the hotel TV and its remote control, which Jack the Ripper has already mastered... we'll leave aside the invention of TV for now, of course.  If there's one thing this movie doesn't have time for, it's for the actors doing the full acclimatization to a future culture bit.  We've got plot to get to!  Anyway, Wells wants to take Jack the Ripper back to 1893 to face justice and what not, but Ripper makes a strong case that he belongs in 1979.  He says that he was a freak in 1893... you know, what with the whole killing ladies of the night and what not... but in 1979, he's normal.  An amateur, even!  Wells is a Hilbertian positivist about human nature, whereas Ripper is a proverbial Godelian, um... negativist?
Of course, Ripper has yet to run afoul of modern police and their various state-of-the-art crime-solving techniques, but whatever.  Ripper is just about to kill Wells forever, when there's a knock at the door.  Wells is saved!  Ain't this movie fun?  Here's a cinematic confession for you... I haven't seen the ending of this film yet, but I'm confident that John Salley and the Warners' brass were pleased with the PG-rated ending of this semi-classic, and that the moral compass of the film's universe returns to dead center.  As for Steenburgen's character, well... I feel her pain.  Why can't a girl fall in love with someone for a change who isn't a time-travelling classic novelist?  And what's the deal with all those lens-flare rainbows?  Is this film their only starring role ever?

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Scott F. Evans

While he tries to avoid the obvious choice of playing the lead in The Van Jones Story, this master of all Hollywood trades just has to keep right on keepin' on, as the old phrase of yesteryear goes.  But his track record so far's not too shabby!  At least, compared to some of the auteurs I've profiled lately.
His alpha offering is called Big Bag of $.  But don't you DARE call it any type of sploitation cinema, my friends!  Oh, it's much deeper than that.  So much deeper that than... than that.  Sure, some of the reviews, Variety, Hollywood Reporter, they thought they were being so clever and tragically hip by using "Big Bag of $#!t" as their headline, but... oh, there aren't any actual reviews yet.  But you can watch it here on YouTube for free!  That's... that's good, right?
Then there's another crime heist caper type deal called The Turn, which seems to be a poker term.  I forget which one.  Personally, I thought Shade was the be-all end-all of poker films (best Slow Rolls ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but maybe it's time to rethink that Takeaway Teachable Moment. (copyright owned by Microsoft)

"...you think Donald tells his wife everything?"

Whelp, as one of the headlines said, the latest J. K. Rowling juggernaut is #1, while the new debuts are down.  Down, down and very dreadfully down!  Does no one want to dream anymore?  I guess Rowling will get to give away another billion dollars after all... didn't she do something like that?
I'm telling you darlings, directors don't matter anymore!  The golden age of the Auteur is over.  I mean, does anyone even care that David Yates directed this?  Or do parents drop off their little beasts at the cinema and say "Ooh!  I hope the 3D and the 1080p is good this time!"  And... dayamn!  Their IMDb web graphic costs more than the average movie did thirty years ago!  In any event, I think we're going to be hearing more from this crazy Lisbeth Salander... I mean, Newt Scamander.  Now, you might be thinking that that's a strange name and all that... but I say perhaps it's a start to erasing Gingrich from our minds once and for all.  A more than suitable replacement!  That's the ticket.
Meanwhile, I try to be optimistic.  The other headlines say that the new debuts really really ate it at the box office this weekend... I prefer to think of it as a triumph of indie cinema, if there's any left.  The IFC channel produces their own shows now, and how long has it been since they showed The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love?  (...note: had to use Yahoo to find that.  You let me down, IMDb!)  I mean, take what they're showing RIGHT NOW as I write this... 1993's The Fugitive.  After that, 1994's The River Wild, and then, 1999's The Green Mile.  Hollywood's best and brightest.  Not one indie movie in the bunch.  NOT ONE.
So let's try to devote some words to the two new debuts this week.  The first is called The Edge of Seventeen, possibly influenced by the Stevie Nicks song of the same name... now, is it just me, or does that sound almost egg-zactly like The Police's "Bring on the Night"?  Same key, same tempo... whatever.  Anyway, life imitates art and vice versa, because the star of The Edge of Seventeen, Oscar-nominated Hailee Steinfeld, appeared in a publication called "Seventeen" magazine.  I know because it gave me a rather nasty paper cut that still smarts.  Love those razor-like covers!  Anyway, the movie was written and directed by Kelly Fremon Craig who got the idea after seeing that episode of The Simpsons when Nelson Muntz starts dating Lisa Simpson.  I'm just sayin'.............
The other debut is a boxing movie called Bleed for This.  Well, after Jake Gyllenhall and now Miles Teller, I guess playing a boxer is one of those seven roles that actors often talk about.  The others being cowboy, astronaut, soldier... lawyer?  Race car driver?  Also, a great excuse to crunch those abs.  I saw Miles Teller on the Colbert show and all that, and, well... I don't even want to expound on the (waning?) influence of Colbert on things.  Please don't leave us!  For me, I will say that it was probably the title that turned people off.  Same thing happened with Only the Strong.  Love that movie.  But 90% of the movie-going public said, "Well, I'm not strong, so I guess I'm not going."  Um... capoeira much?  What part of "Mark Dacascos is a national treasure" don't you understand?

Auteur Watch - Rodney Evans

...my God!  This guy's the Highlander, isn't he?  I mean, check out that C.V.  Twenty years in the director's chair, and he's as good as ever.  His first was the 1996 documentary called The Unveiling and... why do I get the feeling that Dixie is his mom?  You know, same last name and what not...
But it wasn't until 2004 that Rodney would get the film synonymous with his name, and it's called Brother to Brother.  By which I mean, ... whew!  Found it.  Boy, when you multitask as I do, the ol' short term memory gets overtaxed.  So, check out this YouTube trailer for Rodney Evans' The Happy Sad, and note the description which says "A romantic drama directed by Rodney Evans (Brother to Brother)"  SEE?!!!!  I'm not totally crazy... not yet, anywho.
And so, it seems that Brother to Brother is still the alpha in Evans' burgeoning résumé, and for two big reasons.  One, Anthony Mackie, and his involvement thereof, and two, check out this half-glowing "The Onion" review.  Now sure, they complain that, as with Spike Lee's She Hate Me, the film traffics in broad stereotypes and characters with one annoying attribute in the face of complex social issues, but... hey, it kinda worked, right?  It got the review, didn't it?  And Anthony Mackie's a big star now, right right?  Rodney Evans, call him.  Don't be too proud.

Removing Every Last Trace of Honor and Dignity From the White House

So we've got three new arrivals this week.  First, the latest sleek sci-fi thriller you'll never ever forget for the rest of your life, called The Arrival... no wait, that's the 1996 Charlie Sheen- David Twohy collaboration.  Twohy only wrote Terminal Velocity... I didn't know that!  Well, it was right after The Fugitive, and Twohy had a bunch of scripts in his desk drawer that weren't going anywhere, and he knew he didn't really want to direct that one himself.
Anyway, we've got the early Christmas comedy called, appropriately enough, Almost Christmas.  Only about 41 shopping days left, people!  This could be the last one!  And finally we've got Shut In, the latest in a long line of low-budget neo-horror flicks... but what do I know.  Maybe it actually took twelve years to film, maybe they filmed five minutes of it during the winter months like a certain other film whose name I forgot already.
And, of course...when Trump announced he was running for President of the United States after riding down that escalator, I said no, this can't be happening.  And when he won the Republican party's nomination, I said no, this can't be happening.  Then when the FBI and KGB got involved in our democratic process, I said no, this can't be happening.  I guess you just have to take the small victories at times, like the Access Hollywood audio leak.  Finally!  Access Hollywood serves a higher purpose.
Well, everyone in the media has been doing two things lately... well, three, really.  One, they've been on the verge of tears.  Two, they've publicly said that they will give Donald Trump the benefit of the doubt... but his supporters don't really believe that, now, do they?  Certainly not when he tries to strip women of their reproductive rights or, having failed to get Mexico to pay for the wall, he instead tries to get the American people to pay for it instead.  And let's have some sympathy for Trump supporters, as they've already been dealt a crippling blow just today.  When asked about locking up "Crooked" Hillary, just as he promised to her face in the second debate... he now says he's got bigger, more important things to do.  Typical politician.  Saying whatever they have to to get the job, then stabbing you in the back, and twisting the knife a couple times just for good measure, and just to make it that much harder for the back specialist to repair the slipped discs.  What else is he going to backtrack on?  His Muslim ban?  Repealing Obamacare?  David Duke on the Supreme Court?
...where was I?  Oh, right.  The third thing that everyone has been doing is telling personal stories about how this election result affected them in ways they hadn't anticipated, usually involving their kids and having to explain it all to them.  "Daddy, why is Archie Bunker the president now?"  I should've suspected something was wrong when I heard that Alabama voter proudly declare that Trump was one of them: not afraid to speak his mind, and wanting to get it on with his totally hot daughter.  Help us, Ivanka!  You're our only hope!  Bill Maher and I can see that: she's the only one of Trump's kids that seems to possess any shred of humanity.  To a lesser extent, Tiffany (aka LaToya Trump), but even she knows that Ivanka's the alpha.
Welp, I don't make it a point to get too personal here, but a few antidotes... anecdotes come to mind.  I remember, in happier times, when it actually seemed like I might be able to change careers, I took a class with three teachers.  The oldest and wisest of the teachers had us think about a question.  The question was along the lines of: does it matter if my farmer is a good person or not?  Seemed kind of innocuous at the time, but the more I thought about it... I do try to shop at my local co-op and what not.  I can't do the grocery outlets... I just can't.  I mean, the low prices and passed expiration dates are fun and all, don't get me wrong.  And I'm no vegan/vegetarian saint, to be sure.  Tried it a little a long time ago... probably should've stuck with it.  But now we've got the spectre of a farmer and White Nationalist making robocalls on behalf of a Republican candidate for President.  There's an article from a website called RedState with the headline "Disgusting"... but something tells me they were pressured to say that.  Kinda like how Ann Coulter wanted to say that if President Obama had a leaked audio clip of himself similar to Trump's Access Hollywood "locker room talk" audio clip... well, not only would that be grounds for impeachment, the Republican DC establishment would do everything they could to run him out of town as literally on a rail as possible.  Coulter really really wanted to say that, but fake modesty forbid.  So let me just take this opportunity to apologize to minorities everywhere because, as you may remember, the White establishment in this country got a little bit scared of President Obama, and opposed him at every turn.  Disenfranchised Whites will put up with a lot, but apparently not a Black president.  And yes, say what you will, but Obama is black enough.  There was some debate about that in 2008, but they ultimately decided to move on to bashing his religious credentials instead.
...there was one other thing that came to mind.  Before Ah-nold Schwarzenegger became the Governator of Cully-fohnia, I saw a clip of him on TV.  I think he was on a sports show, and he was talking about... I can't even remember, some up-and-coming bodybuilders or something.  I clearly remember his demeanor, though, as he seemed to be foundering, looking for a purpose in life, quite literally in that moment.  Terminator 3 hadn't posted the record profits of Terminator 2, and the general trappings of a mid-life crisis seemed to be sinking in.  Maybe he had about ten or twenty cups of coffee too many that day before going on the air.  But when he took the governorship?  Calmness and serenity restored.  Same thing with Trump because, unlike most billionaires, sometimes being a billionaire just isn't enough.  Why, even old Monty Burns had a thing or two to say about that when the plant was bought by German investors!  "What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?" asks an exasperated Burns.
Anyway, I hope President Elect Trump tries to use the office for good, and I will give him the benefit of the doubt... too late.  What a douche nozzle.  As for all you Trump supporters who are starting to feel disappointed, well... Trump did warn you, remember?

Auteur Watch - Bentley Kyle Evans

Well, when you've been in the Martin Lawrence business during the You So Crazy phase before he had a stroke and sold his soul... I mean, got a full time job at Disney, nothing you do afterwards will probably smell as sweet.  Such is the case for one Bentley Kyle Evans, submitted for your approval.

Strange Days Indeed... Most Peculiar, Momma

Oh, data analysis is just so boring, but I do recall with a certain wistful fondness when I was prowling the halls at a community college as an overage student for a while, trying to avoid the looks of the pimply-faced youngsters, when I noticed a movie-themed study on one of the walls.  I think it had something to do with statistical analysis of the Oscars... that's all of it I can remember.  Well, who would expect a youngster to come away with a takeaway teachable moment worth anything to the Oscar community, when they already know there was a massive societal shift in the late '60s and what not.  All you need to do is look at the Oscar winners for 1969, then the ones for 1970, and... well, frankly, the whole Oscar system is corrupt.  We need an orange-faced billionaire outsider to go in there and do some serious reforms.  And if he can't, well... back to bankruptcy court for all of us.
Of course, the data analysis that the big studios might be interested in now is an analysis of box office performance compared to publicity.  Take Benedict Cumberbatch, for example, or as I like to think of him, the new British Dennis Quaid.  He's had a busy week, taping segments for Saturday Night Live, and doing various talk shows for the last two weeks, not to mention traveling all over the world and making various stops on behalf of Marvel Studio's latest and greatest.  And what's the grand total?  Well, that it would be #1 in America is without question, but... a bit shy of $100 million?  I guess you could say that it's not bad for a character that, while apparently everyone's now favourite comic books they red... I'm going to leave that one as is, and rub my nose in it now and again. 
The Doctor Strange comic books are, all of a sudden, everyone's favourite, having READ all of them as children, along with Pogo and Dumb Dora from the funny papers... and yet, this is the character's big debut to the Marvel Universe, so to speak, or the Marvel-verse... Marv-iverse?  Muniverse?  Unimarv?  The point is, I think even the most partisan among us can agree, it's still way, way better than that Fantastic Four reboot.  Wow, what a stinky cinematic turd pile.  Guess it'll be a while before they get into one of the Avengers movies... the Marvel ones, not the much reviled 1998 cinematic re-envisioning of the classic 60s show starring Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg.  You will remember the name Chechik!  Chances are he's directed one of your favorite TV shows.  His fans are of course called Chechik Rebels.
Meanwhile, on the flid sipe of the kenard... coin... what multivariate calculus could possibly explain the performance of Hacksaw Ridge?  Well, let's start with the setting: World War II, a setting that, while not done to death, seems a little bit close to it, especially after Saving Private Ryan, and "Band of Brothers," the HBO miniseries version of Saving Private Ryan.  Then you've got "The Pacific" and The Monuments Men.  Those are just the modern examples.  I exclude Inglorious Basterds just because it's a little bit fantastical.  Do with that what you like.  But one thing these all have in common is that everyone involved seemed very, very committed to doing everything they could to defeat that bastard Adolf Hitler.  Some guys who were declared 4F committed suicide at home.  There was rationing at home on a scale unseen in modern times, even on top of the Great Depression, which your grandparents can tell you was bad.  Really bad.  Why, Bob Dole had to take in boarders, for God's sake!  Filthy, unwashed boarders.
Okay, so bearing all that in mind, along comes Hacksaw Ridge about a conscientious objector in World War II.  Um... okay, that's... that's different, I guess!  Sure, the concept wasn't as popular then as it was, say, during the Vietnam War, but whatever.  Donald Sutherland's Hippie-like character in Kelly's Heroes seems out of place as well.  Oyster, urster.  Which brings me to the director of Hacksaw Ridge, Oscar-winner and new gold standard bearer of the title "raging Hollywood trainwreck" Mel Gibson.  He went on with Colbert to flog his new wares, and he was planning on behaving himself asbestos he could, unlike with, say, Diane Sawyer.  And unlike when he was pushing Edge of Darkness, now he does give a f... damn.  So let's say it's a double feature: a pro-Vietnam movie with We Were Soldiers, and an anti-fighting WWII pic now with Summit Entertainment's Hacksaw Ridge because, well... after the Twilight series, Summit's got money to burn, and Mel was in Oscar territory 20 years ago... maybe he's overdue!
So given those two choices, audiences were clearly divided, which is why Trolls was people's go-to Plan B, a nice, non-offensive fare to dump the kids off at for a couple hours.  Boy, but parents can't get enough of those, can they?

Short Reviews - November 2016

Almost Christmas - Boy, I tell you... much better than Nothing Like the Holidays, for one.  And that clip with the girl stuck in the window, and the guy trying to get her out?  Well... oh, it's definitely going to go viral... actually, variations on that theme are already an internet sensation.  Let's just leave it at that.

Almost Heroes - They show this one on cable lately?  Probably just on TNT or TBS or something

Angie - Every time it happens.  I'm watching the scene where she's in labor at the hospital, and someone's walking down the hall and they only hear the audio.  I keep having to say "No, it's not a porno!  The character's in labor, for God's sake"...........................

Arrival - ...looks smart and stylish and all that!  And the director is... oh, this guy's way too busy.  Also, the font variety of these posters is getting about as slim as the letters themselves!  Has anyone else besides me noticed that yet?

Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk - ...oh, Steve-o.  I guess this would be a good double bill with... A Hologram for the King?

Bottle Shock - Bottle Rocket?  Love that movie.  Wes Anderson and what not!

"The Company" - It's not just "Mad Men" about the Cold War... it's NOT!!!!

Defense Play - ...wow!  How do I stumble upon these things?  I hate to say it, but this is a lesson in the importance of movie stars.  Otherwise, we'd be watching something like Bombs Away! all the time.  The girl from Teen Wolf kinda isn't enough of a draw for me, I hate to say.  Also, the only review left of this seems to damn the film with faint praise when they say "Also watch WarGames"... you know, basically the same movie, only it came earlier and is much more beloved.  And actually available on video.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo - Okay, okay, finally time to read Schneider's tweet to "the Democrats" - ...that's it?  It says "I haven't seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves!" ...OH MY GOD.  ROB SCHNEIDER'S THE HIGHLANDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - And don't forget to check out Rob Schneider in Adam Sandler's "Here Comes the Funny" tour, featuring David Spade and Norm MacDonald as the funny.

Friends with Benefits - Damn... Mila's not going to name names.  Well, I hate to disagree with the spokeswoman for Jim Beam, but she's right.  The pay gap between men and women should be closed, and hopefully it will take less than 134 years to do that.  But if you're going to be that sensitive about one email, well... I guess you weren't working with Spielberg, for one.  I mean, with all the attention paid to Hillary Clinton's email, who wants to use email anymore at this point?

Hacksaw Ridge - Well, I did it... just saw Mel Gibson on Stephen Colbert.  Don't tell Mel about all the jokes that Colbert has done over the years about Mel's crazy dad.  Speaking of dads, I watched the interview with my dad.  Mel started talking about his idea for a film about the Resurrection, or the three days in Jesus' life after he was crucified when he apparently descended to Hell, and... whatever.  Negotiated a peace treaty between the Devil and the Surface Dwellers, something like that.  I'm no historian... and so Mel was talking about this film he's working on about the Resurrection, and the exciting storytelling opportunities inherent in such an undertaking, and my dad says "...is he crazy?"

Loving - I'm sorry, but for a person like me, there's only ONE "Loving," damn it!!!

Pixels - Check it out if you want a preview of a Trump presidency

"Pure Genius" - Yeah, being an obnoxious internet billionaire is fun.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - Are the hardcore Star Wars fans going to geek out over this one?  Or are they going to just wait for Episode 8 instead?

"Seinfeld" - One of the random brain farts you'll occasionally hear from Right wingers on the subject of taxes, and how the rich aren't taxed enough, they'll usually say "Well, why don't people send ALL of their money to the government if they love taxes so much?"  I believe Rudy Giuliani mentioned Warren Buffett recently in regards to that idea.  Well, here's something that Rob Reiner and I have been wondering... if Steve Bannon hates Jews so much, why does he own a piece of "Seinfeld"?  Um... he knows that Jerry Seinfeld is Jewish, right?  I'm not up on all the stereotypes, but... isn't that Seinfeld money, like... TAINTED or something?  Apparently, not tainted enough.  Not for Breitbart's Steve Bannon.  Maybe for some of Trump's voters, but I'm sure they can come up with a reason why that's not a problem.  They'll be doing a lot of that in the coming months as it is.

The Sixth Man - RUN!!!! KILLER DIRECTOR ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snakes on a Plane - What does it say about a movie when it can be reduced to basically one 14-second scene?

The Walking Dead - Man, the black dude's film title always gets stolen first.

ZAYN: Pillowtalk - This just in: President-Elect Trump mistakes Gigi Hadid for the next First Lady, starts French kissing her in front of reporters.  When Melania heard about this, she purportedly said "I know deal.  Donald Trump is my man, but he's having lot of hormones in body."  Correction, Melania: the classiest, most gold-plated hormones of any man of all time, including Cretaceous and Devonian.