Report from the Road

Ah, the power of technology! This will be my first remote blog-cast. I have yet to see if it actually works. Plus, the data pipeline out here's a little thinner so it'll take me even longer to get this Box Office NIE right. Man, too depressing of news. Bush calling something disgraceful, what a laugh. And are we finally going to lose Federalsburg, MD? Who will care? Barry Levinson?
Anyway, on to the good news that no one's reporting, and that's this week's Box Office! Let's just start from the tippety-top this time with Click! And boy, did it click with audiences opening weekend, no surprise. While not doing as well as Big Daddy, 1999 dollars, it debuted strong at 40 million. On the down side this makes it only 7th cumulative-wise. Now if only there was a remote that could fast forward you to where the movie's made 200 million, or if you could forward past having to do commentary on the Special-edition DVD with Rob Schneider and company...
Meanwhile at #2 it's Pixar's Cars with only 22 1/2 million, but making it 3rd overall in this horse race. Guess it's surviving the critical bashing it's been getting after all. And Pixar and the Mouse have mended fences, too! Yes, everything's coming up roses for Senator Lasse(t)ter and his group of cyber-cronies. But, while even Pixar's not powerful enough to resurrect Ernest (Pink Lady and Jeff forever!) they have found a fairly suitable replacement, although he's still in talks for Toy Story 3. French Stewart is still slated to play the lead in the direct-to-video release Health Inspector 2...
Nacho Libre is still holding strong at #3, and you know what that means! Who knows how many more films we'll be seeing from those Hess-ian mercenaries. Napoleon Dynamite Goes to Hollywood? Or how about that time they crossed over into Montana on a sidecar? Man, did they get a paddlin' for that! Personally, I'm getting a little tired of seeing Jack Black's nipples while I'm going for a stroll in the mall. I don't want to have to think in there!

...and then, like a bolt of Black Lightning from out the blue, it's the rare Non-Dame Madea FUBU Cinema entry! This time, it's called Waist Deep, and no, it's not about Hurricane Katrina's aftermath, thankfully. We'll tolerate none of that New-Orleans-ploitation cinema, thank you very much! I'm talking to you, Spike! He's scrapped plans to do his Get on the Bus sequel about Katrina, called Get on the Boat. (paid Bruce Vilanch for that one, heh heh...) But back to the instant case at hand. Waist Deep blew in like a Category 4 hurricane, sucking in 9.45 million in its debut week, and no, a percentage of the profits are not going to Hurricane Katrina victims. Business is business. Just ask Federalsburg, MD. Besides, in about five years we'll all be living in houseboats anyway.
Rounding out the Top 5 it's ... okay, a big mouthful. I gotta psyche myself up here: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It'll revive the Soap Opera cinema movement as we know it! Finally the perfect date movie. All that sentimental crap for the chicks, and cars for the dudes. You know, Pixar could learn a lot from this flick.

Gotta cut this short, folks, although this may be the last! :(

¡Box Office Salsa!

I'm literally out the door for my extended 3-day or so vacation, but I'm not about to leave all my loyal readers hanging! I promised to open up a six-pack of whoop-ass on last week's box office, and so I shall... although it's a rough draft. See you later!!


...
It's that time of the week again! Where we put the Box Office on the slide and observe it wriggling around under the microscope. We got a couple newbies, plenty of oldbies, and only one over 200 million! Sorry, Da Vinci, a million is a million.
At #10 it's Over the Hedge, and it's almost over the horizon! Sorry, DreamWorks, I already watched the whole thing at Costco on 60" HDTVs, b'eatch! The way God intended movies to be watched.#9 it's Da Davinci code... At this point they've scrapped all TV and print advertising and are instead relying on accompanying magazine articles. Take Newsweek's most recent cover story "Was Da Vinci gay?" I understand he did have artistic tendencies... Case closed.
At #8 it's The Omen. Sigh. America's just not in the mood to be scared right now. They, like me, are waiting for a Saw 3 Halloween, baby! That's all the candy I need.
And now, we get to the newbies. Garfield 2 debuts at #7... Frankly, I remain un-impressed. The first one did better than that! So, you mean to tell me I spent the last 3 weeks reading Garfield strips of that fat cat saying "I hate sequels" for NOTHING?!!!
X-Men has hardly taken its last stand at the box office as it stays at #6 with an impressive cumulative total of 216 million. With Wolverine's fingernails to cling with, it could stay there forever!
Ah, The Break-Up. Guess America's not in the mood to see America's 2nd hottest couple on the skids. America needs to believe in love right now, and the jazz-scatting of Favreau and the Vinnie Vaughn Invasion just isn't gonna cut it. Sorry, guys. We'll wait for Made 2 for that.
The Lake House, aka Speed 3: Through the Portal of Time debuted strongly at #4, almost as well as Hope Floats. Hey Letterman, will THAT float?
FF3 debuts at, where else? #3! Nothing more fitting. I think the scariest thing about this is there are Paul Walker clones out there! How he escaped from the gravitational pull of She's All That, I'll never know, and neither will Stephen Hawking or Baby Albert Einstein... I just eMC square'd in my diapers!
Finally we get to Nacho Libre. The big one. The sophomore debut of the Idaho Coen Bros. and with advertising muscle like MTV behind it, how could it not be the #1 live action comedy? I assume MTV helped out where it could with behind the scenes specials every other hour, and a Nacho-themed episode of Undressed to boot. I don't know, I haven't watched MTV in years. Show videos again!

Flesh Frolic

Normally I don't do this, but I feel I really have to speak out this time. Is it injustice? I'll leave that to you, dear readers. All I know is, it sure feels like injustice to me, and I'm sure the loyal readers of Maxim Magazine will surely agree. But before we get to that, better make this a three-parter, just in case. After all, all good things come in threes, right?
Where to begin, then? Oh yeah. Sea of Love. Saw most of it, anyway, enough to fog up my glasses, that's for sure. And I thought Mr. Becker learned his lesson from The Boost. No more love stories! Too bad they had to have all that murder mystery stuff get in the way of the plot and all. Well, it was probably a necessary evil, otherwise it's just Booty Call. Can you believe it? Academy Award (TM) winner Jamie Foxx STILL to this day won't return Jeff Pollack's calls! He'll get through one of these days, though. They've already got the title for the sequel: Badonkadonk. ...is that how it's spelled? I just don't speak Blackanese!
Anyway, part two. They were showing Porky's on Fox Movie Channel. While I don't think it's in Animal House's league, it certainly has a certain sense of time and place, or at least a semblance of a budget for it. And of course ample amounts of flesh. How quaint, too, when the guys are peeking in the shower and the one kid gets stuck with the fat chick. He tells her to get out of the way loudly so the jig is up. Good gag, but is he gay?
Later on, in a feat of isomorphic mental acrobastics, I will attempt to draw parallels between the instant case and director Bob Clark's other KC Masterpiece, A Christmas Story, but on to #3, which is A Good Woman. While I haven't seen it, I was perusing some DVDs at ... Fred Meyer, was it? This was in a bin and I read the description on the back, and it said "Scarlett Johansson plays a newlywed trying to win her husband back from seductress Helen Hunt." Do I need to repeat that? Let me repeat it anyway. That's Scarlett Johansson trying to win her husband back from (Academy Award winner) Helen Hunt. As Lewis Black might say, are you f******* kidding me?!! Son of a Bitch! How hard could that be? All she'd have to say to me is "I'm Scarlett Johansson"! Game over! Even Woody Allen knows it, Scarlett is this generation's Marilyn Monroe! Done two pics with her, lucky bastard. I mean, Helen was okay in Empire Falls, and whatever else she's done, but c'mon! Am I right, all you slobbering editors over at FHM? Then again, she did play a size-obsessed lady of the evening on a Ladies' Man sketch on SNL. I think that was her audition tape for this role. The producers were between a rock and a hard place on this one: rumor has it Madonna was also interested in the part, but the producers turned her down. Ouch!
All right, I'm done. On to bigger and better things now. Why I have yet to tear this week's box office a new one! Hopefully I'm not too late, got just the image for it too. Stay tuned! :)

Congrats! 100 entries

Sorry, this was the only movie-related 100 I could think of, and I think it knocked all the other 100's out of my head. Yes, it's true! This is our 100th episode of The Movie Hooligan blog. A cause for celebration! And how to celebrate? I'm not sure myself. This site doesn't have the best navigation in the world but I guess we could always look back, but do it yourself, please. I'm too tired.
Well, here's a thought! Okay, I confess, so I checked out the DVD of Throw Momma from the Train from my local video purveyours. I did try to make a copy of it but my computer wouldn't let me. Damn copyright laws! See, here's how I think it should be. Once all the parties involved have made all the money they're going to make off a movie like, well, TMFTT, for example, why not remove all that Copyright Protection mumbo-jumbo and see where the private sector takes it? I mean, let's face it, not everyone's going to want a copy of this turkey, am I right? These days it's all Mr. & Mrs. Smith! Incidentally, why isn't every other line of dialogue in that movie just something along the lines of "You know, Angelina, you look damn sexy - you are aware of this, right?" In case no one else has beaten me to the punch, when they remake Throw Momma I think it should be Owen Wilson in the Danny DeVito role and Luke Wilson in the Billy Crystal role. Good brotherly dynamic. Why, I can just picture Owen in Cars right now: "C'mon, Newman! Ya gotta lighten up, man! I mean, look @ us! We're a couple of cars here! Driving! You know?"
Other movie news: Bee Movie's still a work in progress. I know these Pixar-type pics are a lot of work, but puh-lease! At least we now have a timetable. I just assumed there were script problems, even though he's got some of the finest minds from Seinfeld working on it. Even the Simpsons hit a snag every now and again, right?
And now, the only movie news I care about: NCFOM - Ah! Looks like there were successful negotiations after all. You won't regret it, Tommy Lee. They've been showing U.S. Marshals lately on cable. While that was good, I think this will be a little meatier role for you. That's right, even more so than Double Jeopardy. Who knows? Time for another Oscar, maybe? What's this? Now Tim Blake Nelson's in negotiations? Hey, the Coens made you, buddy! Yeah, I know you're a director, too, but I'm sorry. Kansas and Eye of God weren't going to put you over the top.
Oh yeah. Finally saw the all-grown-up Peter Billingsley. You remember him! A Christmas Story? And I'll be damned if they don't pay some kind of homage to it in The Break-Up. That's perfunctory these days in movies, like David Hasselhoff in the upcoming Click. Guess Shatner was busy.
Okay, it's time to go. Thanks for all the support, people! Keep watching... :(

You know what's not hot? Reruns.

Oh, Letterman, you dog! What would Drew Barrymore say? Yes, that's naughty newbie Paris Hilton parading herself around on Dave's little dog and pony show for what, the third time? I love how she says she's busy working. Well, I do know she likes to earn her own money. That estate tax is going to bite her in the ass someday, better plan ahead now. Guess it also explains the recent cover of ... I think it was U.S. News and World Report, decrying retirement. Apparently it's not enough for people to enjoy retirement anymore; they still gotta work. C'mon, Republicans! Come out and say it! You hate retirees! All those people who say they don't have to work anymore, they've paid their dues in years and it's time to relax and enjoy life. It eats you up inside, don't it?
Meanwhile, on The Daily Show, they showed this Rob Corddry report called ... damn! Must be having too much sugar again. It's about high gas prices, and they first showed it on May 31st, 2005, then again that November (slightly edited, perhaps for time; when he drives away from the bicycle chick they cut off the car running out of gas again), and now yesterday (they showed the original uncut version that day). You might say they're getting good ... mileage ... out of it! (drumroll) After all, it's not the years - it is the miles, and besides, it's more timely than ever. But 2.59 per gallon only a year ago? Only on the Republican's watch. But I guess that's not fair. I'm sure someone will show that Carter was just as beholden to the oil companies as Dubya, if not more so. Who needs evidence these days? Just saying it is enough.
I had a third part to this fiasco, but again, didn't write it down. Oh, how things slip from memory these days. Yes, Letterman once said to Jeff Altman in fact, that the chemical that converts short term memory to long term memory isn't produced in as great a quantity as it is just after birth, when young minds need to absorb as much as they can about this crazy world we live in. Well, maybe this was it... as I was working today, I thought to myself, I wonder if in the new Superman movie, if Superman will fly over someone's house and the owner comes out and says "Excuse me, could you not fly over my house please?"

GRAND HEFT AUTO! That was it...

Box Office Autopsy

Awwright! Let's dissect this Box Office corpse. At #10 it's Poseidon, still on the radar for now, 8th overall at the box office with 54.9 mill total. Ya need a hit, Wolfgang!
Meanwhile at #9, RV is about to drive off into the horizon, but look out for European RV and Christmas RV coming down the pike. Get Chechik on the phone! Quick!
Mission Impossible 3 ... Well, it's not quite doing the impossible, but it is at #8 this week with a Paltrow 3.02 million. 127 mill overall, making it 4th cumulative-wise.
At #7, PHC debuts with a strong 4.57 million... strong for Altman, anyway. Did The Player hit #1? Ya need a hit, Lindsay!
Clinging on with proverbial claws and dropping down the curtain, ripping all the way, it's Over the Hedge at #6. It is 3rd overall with 130 million total; so far that only means one sequel. We'll see how that one does, then we'll talk trilogy. Still no sequel to Antz, right?
Now we're into the heavy hitters! sort of. Da Vinci's still boffo at #5; at 189 million it's 2nd overall cumulative-wise. Looks like it'll make 200 million after all. Everyone breathe a sigh of relief - Opie's still got it!
At #4 it's The Omen, folks. And I thought you wanted to be SCARED, America! Guess reality's bad enough as it is. But at least we have Enzyte these days, right? Good work, Bob!
X3 at #3! Isn't this how it should be? Guess the studio doesn't think so. How would that look in an ad? "It's the #3 movie in America!" Don't think so. But Nacho Libre's got that ad in the can just in case. Anyway, the conspiracy. Bryan Singer directed the first two X-Men movies. He is executive producing a hit show on Fox called House, M.D. Hmph! House. A guy named House. What next? A hip, precocious kid named Fudge? Then you have super-director Brett Ratner, director of X3, who is exec-prodding ... surprise! A hit show on Fox! Prison Break! Boy, they don't let just anybody direct these things! Guess that's probably why Joe Carnahan didn't stay attached to MI3, no pun intended... Shame on me! I thought he was a one-film wonder! I didn't know he did Narc! Maybe I'll watch it.

Oh yeah, and Break-Up at #2, and Cars debuts at #1, big surprise. I mean, let's face it, there's no beating the high that was X3 at #3, right folks? ;) Gotta go, it's dinnertime. So sad! It's the part of Octopussy where there's no Maud Adams! quel dommage. And to think she lost out to Mimi Rogers in Dumb and Dumber 2. Tasteless? No such thing!

Auteur Watch: Sylvester Stallone

Well, so far the new millennium has been a little slow for ol' Sly, not like the go-go 90s, that's for sure. But things are heating up now, baby! Could it be all because of "The Contender"? Yeah, I think so. Look what's coming down the pike now! Sequels on the house! Sequels all around... Rocky. Rambo. Now if only there were a sequel to Judge Dredd the trifecta would be complete, but this is a good start. Is America ready for this Phoenix to rise again? I'm really the wrong person to ask because I sure don't think so. In the meantime be sure to visit Instone's official website. Hey, these vitamins don't sell themselves, people!
Hmm! Guess that's all that really needs to be said about that. Thought this entry would be longer. Oh yeah, almost forgot. My insider source tells me the new Rocky's going to start where Balboa's watching Cop Land on DVD with commentary. Okay, I'm outta here... :)

Latent Box Office Séance

Okay.... (sighs heavily) I'm going to try this ONE MORE TIME! I think the Devil really is watching me! The Blogger servers went down last time I tried to post, and before that I couldn't post a pic to save my life! (see previous post) But now it looks like ... All Systems Go, Friend or Foe, It's something with the Devil - it's Touch and Go, followed by the coolest synth riff in the history of MTV videos... although it manages to escape the many lists on TV now. Face it people! We're living in a List Renaissance. It's time to sit back and revel in all the great cultural achievements that have come before our time. Yes, there's never been a better time for a critic to make their mark in the world...
Anyway, let's look at the Box Office tally for this week. Hanging by fingernails at number 10 it's Donald Petrie's Just My Luck, and his luck must be taking a turn for the worse. Then again, what busboy in the heart of Hollywood wouldn't kill everyone they ever knew for a streak like Miss Congeniality, How to lose a Guy in 10 days and Welcome to Mooseport? Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan's parents are scolding her, saying "You were beaten by A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!" On the plus side, Lindsay's brother is now an understudy for Alan Cumming in the Broadway play... well, just a general understudy.
Meanwhile, coming in at number 9, from the director of Gossip, it's An Inconvenient Truth. Eat your heart out, Michael Moore! Actually, I think F9/11 had a little bit stronger opening, but never mind. Global Warming is just becoming a celebrity in its own right. Oh, I miss the days of El Niño! Anyway, so they had a commercial for AIT during The Daily Show, kinduvan Action Movie-style trailer. The next commerical was this Tanqueray commercial where this wicked British black dude was on a cruise ship somewhere amongst the ever fewer icebergs, and he says "I'm told there's over a billion ice cubes in one of those things." Kind ov a depressing thought: it used to be an iceberg had at least 5 trillion ice cubes in it. That was the size of the one that took down the Titanic, I'm told [by James Cameron himself! :) ]
Moving on, from impending real evil to good old fashioned made-up movie evil, it's See No Evil making just, pitiful numbers. That's 2 million dollars this weekend from people too impatient to wait and see The Omen. Or, for that matter, Saw 3.
At #7, RV is still riding strong on low gas mileage, but it probably hasn't made a profit even yet. 5 weeks on the charts - you know why? It's outta respect. Oh sure, maybe it's only doing slightly better than Wild Wild West, surely not as good as the first two Men In Black's. And didn't Get Shorty spend its first three weeks at #1? The point being, theater distributors give respect to these great directors who've entertained the hell out of us... oh yeah, and Sonnenfeld too. :)
At #6, in a cruel ironic twist, Poseidon's box office totals are slowly sinking into the oblivion that all movies must endure. 3.49 mill? That's not even enough to pay the illegal aliens working on the picture, for Chrysler's sake! Moving on...
All right! Now we're getting into those extra-bloated ticks sucking all the blood out of the proverbial Box Office dog. The next four in a row have already raked in 100 million. Now they're just greedy! New rule: once a film makes 100 million, it's immediately pulled from theaters, and they just start selling the DVDs.
Anyway, #5 brings us MIIII as Stephen Colbert is fond of saying, and no, it's not Men in Black 4 misspelled. Rather, it's Tom-Kat's Mission Impossible 3: Talladega Nights. And even after all that, the Cruise-missile-meister STILL won't do a guest shot on Lost for poor, long-suffering J.J.! You bastard!
#4 brings us the Red State fave, The Da Vinci Code. And guess what? It's already made Entertainment Weekly's 25 Most Controversial Films of All Time list, just edging out Freddy Got Fingered. Payola Forever!
#3 is Over The Hedge, and it's hardly over the hill, my friends. Why, the now defunct DreamWorks has already got three sequels planned, and they're even going to let Bruce Willis into the script meetings so he can sneak in some of his many right-wing views. Bruno will sing again, oh yes... Idar-Oberstein Uber Alles!!!
#2 is X3, already well on its way to make 300 million, or the catering budget of Spider Man 3 (never to be outdone). I'm already way behind schedule so I'll append my further remarks til next time. Trust me, it'll make my head spin.
Finally we come to the magic that is the Vince-ifer Vaughn-iston... Jen-ince-fer Anis-ghn? Vin-gifer Vaughn-niston-ghn. Obviously this requires a lot more study, and I'm hardly the guy to do it. I didn't get no Doctoral Dissertation from USC! If they can't do it, who else would want to? Yes, it's The Break-Up! All part of my New Rat Pack theory. Actually, it's my New Rat PackSSS theory. Now the 3 S's are for who's at the helm of each prospective Rat Pack: Soderbergh, Stiller and Sandler. Now, Sandler's crew is about to hit big with Click, so watch out, Stiller! See, Vaughn is in the Stiller Rat Pack (Exhibit 1, Exhibit 2) although at this point he's clearly the Sinatra, what with his Shirley MacLaine on his arm, JenAn. But moron that later, I gotta go shopping. G'night!
(now Post, damn it, Post!!Like an idiot I won't save a backup copy, as usual...)

Big Horizon Sky on the Movie... ?

Sorry, folks. No image this time. The computer won't let me for some reason. Some unreasonable reason! That's what I get for always blogging first, posting images later. :(

Man, still tired! Where does all the time go? I haven't even made half of the preparations for company to arrive at my humble casa de abode, and this week's box office STILL goes unreported! Though I had a feeling that The Break-Up would kick ass, it was just a question of by how much. Some say it means Jennifer Aniston's back on top again, but how does that explain Mr. & Mrs. Smith? I forget; was she on The Real World? What season? heh heh ...
Anyway, more big movies on the horizon. Nothing yet from the Clooney camp, and we're still waiting on Syriana on DVD - maybe they're working on the unrated version with more Jolie than you can shake your stick at. Sandler's got his yearly project in the can, though. Ah, yes! Coraci's back in the fold! And who knows, maybe he'll show up in a crazy bug-eyed cameo, where YOU GET HALF OF A-DA PIZZA!!! Too obscure? All right...
What else? Macho Nacho Libre's within striking distance, but not before Cars has had its way with the box office first. Some say it's the best car movie ever! And they haven't even seen it yet. I forget, it was some car magazine, but I don't know. Cars with eyes? Well, if they don't make a certain brand of truck look like the villain, they've lost a bet. Note to self: find a picture that illustrates what I'm trying to say. (huh?)
Yes, for all intents and purposes it's the sophomore feature from the Hesses. Are they the Coen brothers of Preston, Idaho? The two-headed director from the non-Aryan section of Potato Land? The John Hughes of the Idaho tweens and their not-so-eloquent angst? Have they severed all ties with the Duffs? Does Peluca count? Is this indeed their junior effort? Is this movie going to do for Mexican wrestlers what Napoleon Dynamite did for ... the Hesses? So many question, so few answers, but all I know is in the TV spots for Nach. Lib., there's a certain four-wheeler crash that looks an awful lot like the one in the other one! Ya know what I mean? ;) Gotta be careful, guys. You want to have a rich directorial palette, a wider array of themes and stark imagery to draw from than the same old quadmaker crashes. It's time to travel the world, guys. Join Conde Nast, or is it the Cosa Nostra? No shame in interning with Woody Allen for a while, borrow from him a little bit.
All right, that's about all the tidbits I can handle at this time ... Pheww! Still reeling from this film I saw called Butter. I think it's the kind of film Harold Lloyd would make today if he was young and black. And Zedd(e)more! You were so big once. Not good to be a star in this kind of turkey. This makes Airheads look like friggin Shakespeare! And Peter Gathings Bunche, stick to what you do best: Erotic Confessions-style fare on late nite cable.

Meany, beany, Gandalf-ini

Hold the phone! Stop the presses... My prayers answered: the UNRATED version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Finally, Shiloh Nouvel's conception caught on film! For some reason I didn't think they'd pander like that. Then again, we're not talking about Syriana here or anything. Incidentally, when's that coming out?

On video, that is... Looks like the sequel's already in the works. Ayn Rand gives me a boner!

Anyway, what does Gandalf care? They're running the next crop of Da Vinci ads (see it again for the First Time, you know the drill), but his X3's the Lord of the Box Office now! (maniacal laughter) Boy, his career's really going to take off now! Doogal? Wow! That's a shock. He could've owned that movie.

Meantime, I'm about to unleash on the world my New Rat Pack Theory. Things are happening. We'll need a Venn Diagram to explain it all, for one, and some kick-ass graphics. Meanwhile, it's official: Maxim magazine sez The Break-Up is great! I can't believe they didn't like Tomcats. It was made just for them! Guess we've finally grown up as a nation and moved on to fare like, well, like The Break-Up. Yes, the Frat Boy wave(olution?) of the late 90s has finally crashed on the shore like so much white powder... Let's check in on NCFOM ... Damn! The leads are STILL in negotiations! Well, they've got their work cut out for them as it is. If Josh Brolin's playing the part I think he's playing, they can do some of the scene where the guy first stumbles on the briefcase... oops! I forgot. Spoiler alert. :) Better get to bed now before I do much more damage.

I loves you Amelie! (Don't let them take me...)

Anybody missed me? I didn't think so. Waah. I don't think I've ever taken a hiatus that long since I've been on here! Well, maybe once before, but that was it. Sorry, baby! I was busy, but you know I'm not like all those other guys that lay false claim to loving you. They would've just put up that picture of you with your Creme Brulee spoon like savages but not me! I know there's more to you than just that Fourth Wall, baby! C'mon! You know I love ya baby. You know I didn't mean to let "A Very long engagement" slip from my mental To-Watch List! I didn't see The Princess and the Warriour either baby! I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean that. I need your ethereal guidance, baby! I got lost childhood treasures, too! From my days of living in rural France... well, at least, the French part of Los Angeles. It's the same thing! Heading down to the Bread-oteau Boulangerie in the afternoons and the proprieter would always give me a free baguette, and I could barely carry it all the way home... Yeah, those were the days.
Ah, what's the point of pretending. Besides, I'm not ready to start a family yet. That's right, I'm getting that cynical about love. Or am I? The world always seems to open more opportunities to the married with kids, doesn't it? At least with the tax breaks and all. And it does make me think of that quote from the Simpsons where Patty (or is it Selma? Even I, a die hard Simpsons fan, get the two mixed up) says "Making a baby isn't supposed to be hard work. It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're SUPPOSED to have for each other!" Incidentally, it was the only episode where someone else did the voice of Fat Tony, but I'm just not sure who. And I care not to speculate.
Anyway, I'm kinda glad that X3 kicked ass at the box office this weekend. A victory for Secularia over the more religious Oceania! Because that's how the USA rolls these days. Only thing is I think Bryan Singer's going to direct Rush Hour 3. That's the only corollary. I mean, aw c'mon Amelie baby! I didn't mean nothin' by it! I want the Da Vinci Code to do well, too! I'm just sayin' you'll always be Amelie to me!
Okay, I've done enough damage...

Major Box Office Happenings...

Man! Just not enough hours in the day, and I just can't do this while watching my beloved Colbert Report. Relegation! That's how all the true successes of this world achieve great things. And speaking of great things, Tom Cruise must be gratified that his M:I-III is #1 champ for at least two weeks now. However, with only 85 million dollars in toto, they've only covered the cost of the film stock and the internet advertising! Better put on your marching boots, Tommy, it's gonna be a long slog through this long hot summer, and you're wearing that 50 pound Army backpack all the way. After all, look what's on the horizon: Da Da Vinci Code, my friend!!! Biggest movie of the decade... okay, so it's a slow decade.
What else? The other newbies aren't doing so well so far. Poseidon, pretty good at 22 mil, while Just My Luck wasn't as lucky. Were they hoping this film would advertise itself? They needed to win back all those burned by The Love Bug, heh heh...
What else? Ice Age Part Deux almost at 200 million... I swear there's payola in the distribution bizness; all the distributors wanna see this glacier cross that 200 million barrier, just like they let Me Myself & Irene cross the 100 million barrier. Took long enough! ...never mind, guess I rmemembered it differently.
What else? An American Haunting at #5... guess it really is the summer movie season, where people actually want to be entertained in stead of scared. ...what? Alot is a word, now, right? Why can't instead become two words? Anyway, it's done so well, stay tuned for the sequel: An American Haunting in Paris.
Okay, that's it for me. My garlic bread is burning up in the oven. See you next week for Tom's last hurrah!

Quickie Reviews

What with as fast as things move these days, who has time to watch a whole movie anymore? Let alone read a whole movie review. So that's why I'm going to make things simple with Quickie Reviews. But what to review? Well, I'll start with things I've seen that are on the IMDb's Top 250:

Harold and Maude: It's Yusuf Islam-rific! I mean, Cat Stevens-tastic.
All the President's Men: Oh, I just hate these irrelevant period pieces!
Almost Famous: Good!
The Lost Weekend: Oh, don't be ridic'!
Heat: Modern day epic.
In the Heat of the Night: An epic of its time. Well, that, and this other one...
Sling Blade: Most folks call it that, mm hmm...
Monsters, Inc.: Well, the animation's rigorous, you gotta give 'em that.
The Terminator: Better stick with T2 instead...
Ed Wood: I think this one's in for the long haul! Too bad about Jeffrey Jones, though...
12 Monkeys: Seriously? Of all the Gilliam films, this one seems a little high up on the list!
Magnolia: Never did see the whole thing...
Shrek: Maybe someday they'll release the special version with Farley's voice... maybe not. Too expensive.
The Grapes of Wrath: Wait a couple more years, it'll seem timely again.
A Christmas Story: From the director of Porky's and Rhinestone (Cowboy): BUMPUSES!!!!
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Are there more aliens like you back home?
Finding Neverland: Oops, I thought it was Finding Nemo...
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: This is one of those films that make a good Rorschach test, or an intelligence test, for deciding who you should hang with in your life... That, and Booty Call.
Once Upon A Time In America: Didn't do much for me. But, didn't Danny Aiello look so young?
Blade Runner: And I saw the director's cut back in 92! Now I'm thinking: I remembered it better, didn't seem as good seeing it recently. Also, the print was wavering a bit for a DVD. NOT GOOD!!!!!
Kill Bill 1 or KB2: Oh, I can't decide which is worse... Better! I mean, better.
Cool Hand Luke: Time for a night in the box.
L. A. Confidential: Oh dear, it's dropping in the polls.
Se7en: The film that started it all... and I mean, the total breakdown of words and letters and numbers in movie titles as we know it! I mean, M1ke and the Mechanic5? Thir13en Ghosts... Damn! They're slipping from my mind! Oh yeah, Slevin, too. I can't even type in that one!
North by Northwest: The best thing to happen to ethanol since ... Arizona Dream!
12 Angry Men... And what have you bastards done for Sidney lately? (sobbing...)
The Fellowship of the Ring: Only 13th? I think it's better than that.
Memento: Seriously? Of all the Nolan films, this one seems a little high up on the list!
Back to the Future: For my money, the best damn time travel story, period.
Duck Soup: A classic. If only the title made some sense...
Schindler's List: Not something you want to see too often...
Casablanca: Here's looking at you, kid.
The Shawshank Redemption: I don't know... Too slick for me.
and finally...
Godfather 1 and 2: Works for me.
----
Meanwhile, in more recent news...
The Break-Up: Well, Jennifer's bound to have a hit sometime, right? And Vince's bound to get out of rehab sometime, right?
Oh yeah, Zwigoff's got a new movie, too. Hurrah for the underdog!
Okay, that's enough damage for tonight. :)

Curse of the Ruling Class

This scene from The Never-Ending Story (the first one!) was a little more intense than I remembered. I'm sorry, I mean Unendliche Geschichte, Die for my many, many Deutschland friends. But the point is, it maintains its relevance for two reasons: one being Poseidon, Wolfgang's latest film, and two, Hillary's cropping up again as the 2008 Presidential candidate. My god! Is sixty still the new thirty? I don't know how the Dems in general feel about her candidacy, and I was against it myself, but I don't know. I think if we're gonna fail, we should fail big. After all, this isn't 1988 we're talking about here! The Clintons had a good attack machine.. rather, Attack Response Machine back in '92; why wouldn't they still have that? Besides, someone's gotta help out the flailing publishing industry. Anyway, if we're really in a fight, it's not just at election time; it's every day, not every two years. Purchasing recycled products, writing your congressman, that kinda crap. Can someone help me out here?

Meanwhile, a rare case where the darkness crosses over to the light: Richard Perle recently braved the wilds of the Al Franken radio show on Air America Radio. I gotta hand it to Franken, he managed not to sink into that swamp of ambiguous indignance. His contention this, and his contention that; kinda sounded like Ed Klein a bit! Oh, why do people pick on Dick Cheney so much? He accepted Harry Whittington's apology, didn't he? The plain and simple fact is, no one really knows anything about Iraq, so Richard Perle must be right! That's what I took away from that interview, anyway.
What else? Speaking of the darkness, as I got my tires changed recently, I read about a fella by the name of John Rowe. He kinda looks like Karl Rove (Carl with a K? How gay is that?) only he's a nuclear boy. Originally put on nuclear detail as a punishment from his bosses (at some anonymous law firm - they're all the same), J.R. took those nuclear lemons and made U-238 Lemonade. Well, I just hope tritium isn't too toxic! It's all going into our drinking water, folks. Just what we need, more trash we don't know what to do with. (I cite Superman 4 because it's part of the plot, not because the movie itself is trash ... or is it?) The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was to convince the world that John Rowe doesn't exist.
Boy, whoever came up with that psychedelic font thingie used for security purposes to prevent spam posting must be worth freakin' billions! A house on the hill, with a tram down to the guest house, and all such flippedy-crapple like that. The art of twisting letters just enough so's that people can still read's 'em! Wicked!!

Box Office Incursion

Gotcha, Indy! Well, out of fairness, it is the Holy Grail we're talking about here. Gotta keep things succinct here, but let's take a peek at the Box Office this week.

M.I.3 over RV,
They both Stick It to An American Haunting.
U93 survives the Meltdown,
Scissors beat Paper, Silence swallows the Laughter,
Akeelah and the Bee, ah who gives a Hoot.

What else? Oh yeah, the Token Englishman is back on The Daily Show, and his name is Dave Gorman. Must be another protegé of Ricky Gervais.

Well, Poseidon is on the horizon, as well as some other very expensive blockbusters which escape me now... damn unions! But we'll save that for another time, as I'm awfully tired right now. But we'll be back with more of Don't Look into the Camera Month here at the Movie Hooligan blog. Incidentally, if any of you out there have any requests, any scenes where someone looks right into that ol' camera, I'll try to dig them up for you. Don't be shy! :)

Our Persian Incursion

As our CEO President decides how to market his plan on which country to bomb next, the Administration continues to drop the bar further and further in their game of Fear Limbo. As of now, it's "Our National Anthem should only be sung in English... NOT SPANISH!!" What's next? My money's on "Only ketchup on hot dogs. No mustard." Oh, and don't even get me started on Freedom Fries. You know what they put on French fries in Holland? Oh yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about!
Not that it should be a law, or a Constitutional Amendment or anything, they're just saying that's how it should be. Maybe they'll try floating the whole gay marriage thing again next week. If they can't make it seem like new, no one can.
Anyway, the first thing I recorded 15 months ago on my DVD recorder was a Daily Show report called "Let's Go! Bomb Iran..." One of the things the report said was that there's no Saddam-level villain in Iran. Fortunately, now there is, with the help of publications like The Economist. Damn you, Ahmadinejad! I had no opinion of the man until I read in the online USA Today that he's launched a scathing verbal assault on the state of Israel. (Hopefully, the hyperlink's still fresh by the time someone else reads this.) Why, he's mentioning Hitler more than South Park! Well, whatever it takes for the Mossad to disable Iran's nuclear capability, I'm in favor of it. I don't think it's something the USA is capable of handling right now; at least, until we get either a Clinton or another Democrat in the White House. Then the Republicans can go back to grumbling about how well the economy's doing. OTOH, my stock profile's gone up a little bit this year! Not enough to retire, but at least it's not going down!
Just had a hilarious sketch on SNL with Kenan as Colin Powell as Sanford. Oh, Kenan's good, but what the hell happened to Kel?
Oh but let's get on with the movie news. Carl Hiaasen has finally moved out of Tobias Wolff territory and launched his second feature pic called Hoot. Hey, Carl, what with your tangential relationship with Jimmy Buffett and all, can you even doubt your next book will be about a certain energy credit company? ...too tangential a relationship? Okay, skip it.
Was there something else? Guess not, although everyone seems to be talking now about how Tom Cruise made 100 million off of War of the Worlds. Wow, he is a genius! Wonder how much Spielberg made! Probably not that much. They can't all make 100 million. So remember, future film actors, producing is where the real money's made!
Okay, it's past my bedtime. Gotta go. But let's check in with NCFOM. More names!! Josh Brolin? Boy, the Coens HAVE gone Hollywood! :)

Kiss Your 4th Wall Goodbye!

Ah'm back, baby! After a well-deserved rest I am energized and ready to tackle this new month with an invigorated vigor... something like that. Anyway, the theme of this month is Don't Look in the Camera Month, where we highlight, nay, honor, in jpeg form, various moments in film when the characters in the movie ever so gently puncture that 4th wall, addressing the audience directly. If I missed one of your favorites, please feel free to post a comment! While I'm glad to have the spammers back, sometimes it's just not enough, people! (wiping away a tear)
People, how did we ever live without the word upgrade? While we're waiting for the upgraded MI3 to blast its way into theaters, the Lions Gate horror revolution is still determinedly on the march. I mean, these heart transplants don't pay for themselves, am I right? I swear I heard he was involved in this... Anyway, we have See No Evil in our midst, just on the heels of Saw 3. In fact, I thought it was Saw 3 I was seeing the TV spot for! ...drat, guess we have to wait 'til Halloween for it. Well, that's planning for you. Also, we have An American Haunting to look forward to. And, unlike See No Evil, there's actually some names in the cast! Cool! Zoe Thorne plays Theny Thorne... boy, are screenwriters overworked these days or what? I haven't seen anything quite like it since Buscemi in Desperado!
Don't worry, I'll make a trilogy out of this yet. While we're waiting for Zion 4, I couldn't help but notice a recent proliferation of Exorcist-ish movies on my cable. Why, Wm. Peter Blatty must be rolling in his grave! So let me get this straight, there's Dominion and E:TB both starring my man Peter Skarsgard! Apparently, Dominion actually got a theatrical release, but people were confused and thought, I just saw this movie, like, yesterday! How unfair that types like Renny Harlin are so prolific!
In other horror news, Hoodwinked is already out on DVD! Damn, that was quick. I mean, for a non-black market DVD release. Well, seemed quick to me, anyway. Who knows how long this was in the making. This kind of thing may hurt Over the Hedge, but what do I care?
Well, hat's about it for me. One blogger can only do so much against Hollywood. Why, did you know that it's not even a real town? :)

Box Office: 28 April 2006 (Sunday Estimates)

Well, probably won't be able to do it justice in this short amount of time, but I gotta get in one last April Eyes picture from... what else? 2001! It's like cinema's Pet Sounds or Sgt. Pepper, although the reputation of those two goes largely unquestioned. Sure, maybe 2001's over-rated, but that and Strangelove are in my humble opinion the only things of Kubrick's that deserve to be. And The Shining. Or is it the Killing? I can't remember.
Anyway, to the business of current Box office business. We'll do it cumulative-ly this time. Coming in at #1 total it's IA2 with a whopping 178 mill. This means some of the Blue Sky people are now moving into the same gated community as the PDI people; not quite at the Pixar neighborhood yet. While only at #7 with 7.05 mill this week, on the plus side Robots is all over HBO right now, although there is no plug in that movie for IA2, as far as I know.
In a very distant second cumulatively is SM4 with a whopping 78.2 mill total, making only 7.81 mill this weekend bringing it in at #5. Clearly, not as impacting as SM3. Oh well. C'est la vie.
#3 cumulative brings us The Benchwarmers, (#10, 4.4mil) dropping us down even farther to 52.8 mill total. Well, school's not out yet. We got big summer blockbusters on the horizon, and Happy Madison surely has an offering for the other side of summer. Oh yeah! Click! And maybe a Rob Schneider pic to clean up the Autumn trailings. Who knows?
#4 on the cumulative total chart is Silent Hill, still screaming up a blood-curdling yell at the box office to the total tune of ... 34.2 mil? Man! Glad I didn't take points on that one! Oh yeah, it's also #4 looking at it the other way. Same as The Sentinel, being #6 cumulatively and of the week. Nuff said.
As for #5, it's part of the new Pixar ghetto, The Wild, which will move in with Doogal and Valiant. Chicken Little's just moved out, I guess, but the sequel's bought a place already. What the hell, I think Antz is there, too! heh heh...
#6: right, see above. Lucky #7, alas, Slevin's gone, but RV has moved in, baby! Okay, it's not posting MIB range opening numbers, but it's number one ne'theless. Sonnenfeld's back and better than ever! Still, it only beat out United 93 by only 5 million dollars. Are you telling me America's ready to cry?
#9 and #10 bring us Stick it and Akeelah and the Bee, respectively. Well, it took 6 years, but the writer of Bring it On has done it again! And only after Take the Lead took leave of the Top 10. Oh sure, the presence of Jeff Bridges helped, but don't kid yourself. There's a Peregrym Falcon flying high over this box office baby, and she's not leaving like Julia Stiles did... well, actually, she'll be leaving EXACTLY like Julia Stiles did. She'll do her Save the Last Dance, a couple ensemble pics with Julia Roberts, then just sink into oblivion altogether, and Mekhi Phifer won't return her calls. I mean, whazzup w/dat? As for Akeelah, a sequel is already in the works where she joins the professional Karaoke circuit. I believe the working title is Karao-keelah, something like that. Subject to change at this point. We'll know by next week.
Well, I've done enough damage for one week. Stay tuned for next week's cinematic horse race; I know I will!!!! :)

C'mon, learn to laugh at yourself, you idiot

While we're waiting to see how much money RV raked in... I'll be very surprised if United 93 beats it out. If it does, Barry Sonnenfeld's threatening to re-release Big Trouble out of protest.
Anyway, big weekend for my man Stephen Colbert! SNL last night had a tribute to Robert Smigel's ever growing cartoon library, hosted by Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, one of whom is voiced by Stephen Colbert, who worked on Strangers with Candy, that Comedy Central show that must've featured a cameo with Kevin Bacon at one time or another... Oh, what an incestuous little talent pool they all live in. But let me briefly backtrack to Strangers with Candy, some episodes of which were directed by Adam Bernstein who directed that obscurest of all SNL movies, It's Pat, featuring the not-so-androgynous Julia Sweeney, who just confessed on public radio that she skimmed the Catholic Church's collection plates for years! Well, just shows to go you what kind of secular operation they're running there! Benny Hinn and all his ilk would NEVER let that kind of thing happen!
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, Stephen kicked a little kiester at the White House Correspondent's Dinner last night. We feared for him at first: Dubya actually had a strong opening with help from Steve Bridges, the luckiest bastard in the SAG. I still like that line on Leno; they did a Final Jeopardy sketch where the answer was 1492, and Dubya's question was "When was the War of 1812?" So there was Steve Bridges with the president, and they killed. Makes me wonder who wrote their material. Although I must say C-Span will be getting a call from James Baker for showing all of Clinton's previous performances at previous White House Correspondents dinners. More Bush, please! And then came Stephen, all guns a-blazin'. He musta did it for the people, because the audience was pretty quiet. In fact, there was kind of an icy reception to his liberal quips, kind of like a glacier, which is something you'll have to tell your grandkids about. But c'mon! He tried to be fair and balanced! Take, for example, that potshot at the White House correspondents: they should take some time off and work on that novel they've been kicking around: the one about the intrepid White House correspondent that asks probing questions of the president... you know! Fiction! Yes, the press is keeping it as quiet as possible, but don't worry. We're about 36 hours away from full coverage of the blessed event on Comedy Central. They'll give us the what's what. Apparently George Clooney was in the audience at the time, maybe he'll stop by and say hi to Colbert. That'd be cool. Incidentally, Clooney, what's with all the public appearances? Get back to work!

Quick Check-In

Nope, didn't have their computer. And I didn't want to borrow someone's laptop and consequently blow my cover. But alas I'm on the move again! So just some quick updates.
The big news story today is that Dubya wants the National Anthem to be sung in English. First of all, duh. Second, some British music producer must've produced a Spanish version. Third, if I remember correctly, didn't the Democrats at their last convention have Native Americans sing the anthem in their respective native tongues? Nice to know freedom fries are never too far off. I don't know; if Republicans run businesses like they run government... All I know is, I'm not big on handouts, but I want that $100 gas coupon! Question: are they watching, or do I absolutely have to spend it on gas?
What else? The saturation bombing campaign for RV continues unabated, but at least they haven't resorted to calling him Robin Villiams. Concurrently, radio ads for United 93 suggest that no one under 17 should be admitted without guardian; for that matter, no one over 5 either. Too soon! Too soon...
Well, while I'm waiting for Paris, je t'aime, I guess I'll just have to wait for another collaborative effort, the 1 second film. This caught my attention because Pauly Shore is one of the producers. I don't know if he contributed enough to be an executive producer, but after hearing that people's contributions range from 1 dollar on up, I think I know how much he could afford to give! heh heh heh...