The War on Christmas

I gotta keep this short as it is dangerously close to my bedtime. Folks, let's face it: there's a war on Christmas out there. It's a novel approach to Christmas, anyway. The novelty will wear off soon enough even on the most susceptible likes of me. Even I thought in the back of my movie-clogged noggin: Happy Holidays? What, is Christmas chopped liver? Of course, I should point out that it's been a while since I've celebrated Christmas, and I haven't bought a Christmas present for anyone in years, and I believe that Christmas trees are really bad for the environment. But the way I see it, there's some new blood in charge of the media now, even if it is just Faux News. Most of the nut cases out there blame the Jews for controlling the media, but this is indeed the Era of Questioning Everything. Only now it's coming from the Right, and not the Left. Where's all the wackos who say that the Jews control the World Bank when you need them? Since Wolfowitz was appointed by Bush, now there really is a Jew in the World Bank! But, the way I see it, it's okay because a Republican's doing it. Right? Isn't that the way these things work?
Anyway, for those of you who think I'm being anti-Semitic, let me just say that I'm a Sobchak Jew myself these days. It's like all those Righties who criticize Bush; when you get right down to it, it's just terms of endearment. All those "It's my party, too" types, don't worry. They're not going to stop voting Republican just because they don't like Rove being in charge.
Anyway, so now we have some fresh Warmonger voices in the media. So here's what to look forward to: the War on New Year's, the War on St. Patrick's Day (probably waged by the old culprits, of course, the Gays!!), the war on Valentine's Day, the War on the President's Day Sale, the War on Outlet Malls. Probably won't hear anything on the War on Peace, but possibly the War on War.
But with movies like Wolf Creek, Hostel and BloodRayne on the Christmas movie horizon, maybe there really is a war on Christmas! I half expect a fresh run of Saw II to commemorate Hollywood's Bloody Christmas.
Okay, bedtime for me. Good night, and have a merry Winter Solstice. Them days is getting longer again, and all them Sunbirds will come back from Australia now!

Holiday Movie Report

Dang! Has it been 10 days already? I was just about to say I was feeling lonely since there haven't even been any automatic posts lately. Then I saw I got one! However, it didn't even say I had a nice blog, so I won't hold it against them.
Anyway, with this image in mind (6 degrees of Peter Jackson) let's get right to the Holiday Movie Report, with a little help from our good friends over at Moviefone. Yes, AOL may have been dropped by TimeWarner but they still got Moviefone, dammit!
Now, there's a lot of movies to get to so we'll devote one sentence to each one. I should probably point out that I haven't seen any of them yet. Ne'theless let's dive right in those murky waters! Okay, first up: Master of the ... what? Universe? Where's this one's 25th Anniversary DVD, anyway? * It's not even on the IMDb for Pete's sake! Next we have Rent: Sorry, I'm already renting. Should've stuck with Harry Potter, Chris, and speaking of which .. HP4: HPGOF, actually looks good! I'd see it if I had time or money. Moving on: Family Stone, The: Not Sly enough. What to pick next? Memoirs of a Geisha: Spielberg himself was once attached to direct, but he found the right director for the project; it still ain't going anywhere, though, even if you show Crouching Tiger for free before-hand. Waddaya expect? We're a country of rubes! Okay, pride & Prejudice, same thing, although to appeal to the rubes they're showing sneak previews of POTC 2 & 3 at the ... beginning, not the end; there's some things even POTC fans won't sit through. Not even The Jacket! Meanwhile, in the middle of this tornado is The Producers. Well, it took a while for the first one to become a classic, too. Or am I thinking of the 12 Chairs? Hmmm. Chicken little: is that still out? Check out the wartime Disney short of the same name! Oh, you naughty Disney!! Chronicles of Narnia: yeah, more like Chronicles of Suck Nard-Nia! If that doesn't get me banned from Blogger for life, nothing will. King Kong: yeah, more like King LONG! Syriana: bet the Powers That Be are glad that King Kong is out. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: Los Knuckleheads! YM&O, make way for Cheaper 2!! Walk the Line; lemme just give a brief shout-out to James Mangold. Good on ya, buddy, you just might make it into the Auteur Club yet. Okay, moving on. Finding Home: if it's not the sequel to Finding Nemo, then Jimmy Crack Corn. ** Aeon Flux: It puts the 'L' in Flux, baby! Bad sign when even Just Friends is kicking your ass at the Box Office, cumulatively or not! Speaking of which, that brings us to Just Friends: I don't know, I think we should see other movies. Although I should point out that I'm as firm a believer in Van Wilder as an entity as anybody. And last but not least, Brokeback Mountain: it's the It Movie of the season, but no one's going to see it! Everyone and their uncle's got a joke about it, which is why I'm starting an Enter your own Punchline Contest, and First Prize goes to whomever tracks me down to collect.
Well, that's about it for me. I hope you're not as tuckered out as I am.

* We're close to the 20th Anniversary, not the 25th.
** I would've gone with Finding Nemo in Slumberland myself, but never mind. I'm not in charge of Titles.

Gumby on the Moon

Yes, that's right! Even Gumby can screw up every once in a while.
They're having an SNL-fest on the E! Channel, this 5-part thing chronicling the 101 Most Unforgettable moments of the show. Why I can't remember the last time I thought about Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute! Nice to see the grand tradition of Payola isn't dead yet. Buh-bye; with my luck that's probably #1.
All right, it's time to take a brief look at the Christmas movies, although from what I've heard, we've got to call it the Holiday movie season. Sounds better, anyway. Well, Rob Reiner's got a Christmas release called Rumor Has It... Nah, it's going to need better word of mouth than that. And incidentally, why does Jennifer Aniston go up against herself like this? And what about that movie that she and Vince Vaughn did? What is that, chopped liver?
Meanwhile, Spielberg's got another Xmas offering, this season's Catch me if you can, if you will, and it's called Munich. Even the man himself says he's not expecting to make money off it, but he'd at least like to make more than The Terminal, heh heh...
What else? Narnia, The Family Stone, and of course King Kong. So many films competing for so few holiday dollars. Who will win? Not me, that's for sure. Gotta go, I'm sleepy.

Blog #NaN Reporting for Duty

Well, the Daily Show puts another notch in its belt with special guest President Jimmy Carter tonight. Damn! They're getting more ex-presidents than Leno and Letterman combined!* They probably get very well acquainted with specific Secret Service agents at this point, sending them Christmas gifts and what not. Speaking of Christmas, it's apparently under siege again. See, people just don't understand that every holiday goes through this phase where its relevance is questioned. Look, all the corporations are saying is, what's wrong with working on Christmas? Everybody does it! Jesus himself was probably very busy on Christmas day! If only we had better historical records of the time. Maybe some video. Anything. So what? We're all just supposed to put down our laptops on Christmas day? Does it have to be a law now?
What else? Oh yeah, Stephen Colbert and Maureen Dowd finally buried the hatchet tonight on a very special edition of C.R. She's a hottie! Gotta find a good picture of her to post. And I'll think about buying her book. So many books, so little time. Why, I still haven't even read 'No Country for Old Men' yet. Quite popular at the library, apparently. Might have to circumvent the library system and just go to a bookstore.
Anyway, that's about it for me, but before we say goodbye, tonight's picture is in honor of what I don't like about Hanna Barbera cartoons. Or rather, here's a specific example that transcends the usual cheap production values. You got the eloquent Snagglepuss, whom I'm growing rather fond of, by the way, but give me the Pink Panther any time. Anyway, S.P. is caught between a rock, being the Frankenstein monster Baby creature with Barney Rubble circle eyes, and the hard place being a giant mouse, not from WB's The Great Piggy Bank Robbery. Now, the nails-on-the-blackboard detail here is that all the Frankenbaby says is "Wuh, wuh" and all the giant mouse says is "Snarf. Snarf-Snarf." I only caught part of the cartoon, but I don't want to make a mistake about this now. It's not just Snarf, but it's one Snarf, followed by two Snarfs in hyphenated succession. I believe this is a statement, similar to the one made in Barton Fink, that in general brawn-ism trumps intellectualism, for even though Snagglepuss may be smart and witty, (he does say in this one that he's going to write his congressman, not something you usually hear cartoon characters say, even back then in the 60s or whatever year this cartoon is from) he's still stuck between these two sorry souls. But then again, isn't that the Grand Dilemma that befalls all cartoon characters at one time or another, that they find they can never transcend the media or the situations they're trapped in, and must constantly contend with Neanderthals of one flavor or another?


*Probably wrong about that...

Box Office Retort - 1st week December 2005

Still goblet-ing up the box office booty, Harry Potter might actually turn a profit in the U.S.! Meanwhile, spend as they might, Paramount just can't get a #1 hit. Like Team America before it, Aeon Flux came close but just didn't have that populist touch. John Sayles, you should be ashamed of yourself!! And I think you know why. They've been showing old Aeon Flux episodes on MTV lately, gee I wonder why (GIWY?) Aeon's outfits on the animated show are much skimpier than the movie, quelle frommage. Must be a Woman's Lib thing.
In other news, we got Walk the Line followed by YM&O. Ah, they've been on the list forever. Coming in at #5, it's the season's unexpected breakout semi-hit Just Friends. Ryan Reynolds is the latest to don the new Rick Baker(TM) Fat Suit in the name of comedy. And I had my money on Waiting... Oh well, like Alanis Morrissette sez, you live, you learn. She originated that phrase, right?
What else? Ah, let's skip right to #10, In the Mix. Well, at least director Ron Underwood won't have as big and as expensive a bomb as Pluto Nash.

In other news, there's a couple hours left to catch the Showtime Freeview this weekend. Saw some of Edge of America. So far everyone's saying it's Indigenous Hoosiers, it's like Hoosiers but for Native Americans, and Hootka-siers, that kinda stuff. Probably irks Smoke Signals director Chris Eyre a little bit. Me myself, I'm not a big James McDaniel fan, his teeth are big and scary! Guess they couldn't get Joe Morton.