Bernanke!

Oh, doesn't he remind you of Bernanke? Am I the only one? All right.
Seriously, though, how about this credit crunch, huh? At least we're taking the rest of the world with us, or as much of it as we can. The way things are going, the NASDAQ's going to be higher than the Dow! Am I right, Krugman? But you wouldn't know it looking at Hollywood. Oh, Disney's having its best quarter ever! Not even with the high-end stuff! They're eating up the cheap crap now, too! Cool. Very cool.
Starting with Tyler Perry's High School Musical 3. Actually, Tyler had nothing to do with it, but I'll bet he wishes he did! Well, sorry, Ty, but they call it Flavor of the Month for a reason.
So that for the kiddies, and Saw V for the teens. Coming in at only #2, the Saw franchise keeps right on chugging along. Oh, if only Dr. Giggles was coming out now, right, Manny? So now that there's been five Saw movies, does that qualify it for the big Versus sweepstakes? Can it take on the winner of Freddy v. Jason? Or Halloween v. Hellraiser? Help me out here, horror nerds.
---
Well, for those of you who are statistics fans, and I know there are a lot of you out there, at this point there's the type of drop-off in the numbers we usually see when Spielberg's got a movie coming out. This worries me because the pattern's asserting itself with wimpy numbers! Falling from 30.5 to 7.6! This will not stand! Oh, but reality is a harsh mistress, and stand the data shall, as we go to this week's #3, Max Payne at ... 7.6 million dollars. How's Marky Mark supposed to eat? Speaking of which, #4 goes to the dogs as Beverly Hills Chihuahua slowly makes its way to the video shelves. Rounding out the top 5 is this week's THIRD and final newbie, Pride and Glory. Only three? Another sign of the times. Well, it's good that Norton's getting more work than ever now, but please. Copland 3? Departed 2? What is this? Devil's Own 1 1/2? State of Grace 5? Gimme a sign, fellas!
-+-*-+-
As for the rest, well, they're pretty much the same as last week, just in free fall. They've pretty much kept the same order, except Quarantine's pulling ahead of Body of Lies. Two weeks ago, Quarantine was at #2, with Body of Lies at #3. Then last week, BoL was at #6, but Q pulled ahead to #7! And now BoL is ninth, with Q coming in 10th. Good hustle, kid! Bees, Dubya and Eagle, however, are holding steady in their respective places, as all of these things are slowly getting purged from the theaters. As Moe once told Homer, "Homer, my customers are soberin' up! And they ain't gonna stick around for the ambiance!" ...Hah! Found the link. And it's time to go. Let me know if I forgot anything...

WDYWFU Cinema: Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Suitable Ending

Well, Spielberg, I know you tried.
But after X number of drafts with more screenwriters than the legendary Flintstones movie, there was STILL too much to live up to. Kinda like what happened to Terminator 3. Indeed, how do you push the boundaries any more? The only way, really, is to spend decades making a film, shooting actors over a period of years so we can see how they age over the course of the film. And you'll have to take it a step further, running RenderMan and Massive on Cray supercomputers for months and months. Something like that. If nothing else, there's more to re-watch here than Lethal Weapon 4.
In the meantime, not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I'm afraid I have to join that category of critics who say ... what do they say? The series ends with a whimper? That's it. Apparently, even Temple of Doom's standing has risen! Oh, that's not good. For me, it's the plot holes. Even though there's the old jokes and all ("What are you, like, 80?" Priceless!), Indy at 62 can STILL trade punches with the baddest bad-ass. And the atomic refrigerator, I'm sorry, I think that's where you first lost me. Or maybe the warehouse. I think Indy was a little slow dodging all those bullets. Thank goodness the Russkies are lousy shots.
Also, the film doesn't go far enough in conflating McCarthyism with our current civil rights dilemma. Or too far, one or the other. Let's face it, the powers that be just get lazy, and find that spreading fear is the easiest way to maintain control over the populace. I did like the magnet effects, though! Those were good! And John Hurt was funny. One of my viewing companions complained that the script was too complicated. Okay, maybe not Batman Begins complicated, but still complicated. I guess I agree, but that's what the plot holes are for: to air out an otherwise complicated script. But I think I got the gist of it the first go-round myself.
So, as the film's second most staunch defender, I hereby declare I'm going to lay low for a while. But for those of you who question the monkeys, let me just say that a) it just brings the series on home, and b) it's funny! Shia and the monkey have the same hairdo! Duh! Yes, with the CGI revolution leaving us all behind, the best you can say about the final Indiana Jones is that it stays true to itself, its old bookish dorky self. Lots of puzzle-solving, lots of aiding and abetting the enemy in search of the treasure... I dunno! He helps the Russkies find the crate, interprets the Akator map for them, I'm just saying. And I must say I kinda felt sorry for Cate Blanchett, I don't know why. Not fatale enough of a femme, I guess. She does what she can, though. Has she made it onto any Maxim top 100 lists? If not, good.
Okay, I think I've trashed the movie all I care to. Just remember, kids. No matter what happens, marriage is the ultimate adventure. ...right?

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

All right, let's get it over with...

You know, "it doesn't go far enough" is a criticism you hear all too often these days. Especially when it comes to movies about the Iraq war, or the current administration. Because let's face it, movies more and more are being affected by politics. Some of you might have noticed it in the go-go 90s with movies like Dave, Murder at 1600, or Absolute Power having to do with the president's mistress. Don't you miss those days?
Nowadays, if a movie doesn't get the President impeached, it's no good. For example, in Revenge of the Sith, when Mace Windu says that the one dude controls the Senate and the courts. Nothin'! And critics said that Charlie Wilson's War wasn't enough of a biting satire. In the Valley of Elah doesn't go far enough into the valley. Rendition didn't torture enough. Lions for Lambs, well, I guess that one went too far.
And so here we are, and we got W. Man, this President can't even have a #1 hit. Critics have called it a TV-movie quality production, which I think is unfair. Still, I couldn't help but think of The Final Cut, where crowds protest that people's recorded lives can be so sanitized, that the worst war criminal's life can be edited to make him or her look like a saint. That's what I think we got here, folks. Bush family lite. They don't seem so bad in this movie, but trust me, they're not good people. Even for a rich family they're pretty scrummy.
Ollie's assembled a fine cast, nevertheless. Thandie Newton was a hoot. Toby Jones did better as a strangely underweight Karl Rove than I thought: he may be Turd Blossom, but he has one Johnny Casper moment, where he tells Dubya "That's right, Dubya. You're the big shot around here, and I'm just some shnook who likes to get slapped around." Something like that. And of course James Cromwell as the elder Bush. Guess they couldn't get Dana Carvey. Oh well. Dare I say, Oscar nominations? Probably not as many as Network, but whaddayagonna do.
And the man, Josh Brolin, holds his own and holds the film together as George W. Bush. A man forever doomed to live the life of the family's black sheep. Oh, why couldn't you be more like Neil? I guess that's about all one can say... at least, I can say. The film seemed a little long, especially after Cheney's big scene in the middle of the film: Dubya may not be a smart man, but even he knows it's a bad idea for Cheney to say what's on his mind. Kinda kills the mood in the room. After that point, we get the idea. Dubya screws up, father intervenes. Gets kinda monotonous after a while.
I guess the critics are right when they say it's Dubya's greatest hits, just slightly out of context. I've seen that clip so many times of what's been called the 16 words that changed everything. Brolin shoulda studied that one extra close: "...Saddam sought significant quantities of uranium... from Africa." So many quotes left to include, like the dictatorship one, or the one where Dubya says "Some call you the elites, I call you my base." Or when he's sitting there reading My Pet Goat on 9/11. Or when he said "The unexamined life is really not worth living". No wait, that was Socrates. But all the high-end reviews of W. are going to have this line in it, trust me!
Yes, compared to JFK and Nixon, Stone rounds out his Presidential Trilogy with a bit of a whimper, but I guess it fits the subject matter well enough. I guess it was just bad timing: why go to the theaters to pay to see something people are trying to ignore for free? But I'm sure Oliver Stone will work again. Coming up next: he will complete the Presidential Quartet with LBJ starring Steven Seagal. Also, he's going to beat the Farrellys to the punch with his own Three Stooges pic. The cast? Al Pacino as Moe, Charles Barkley as Curly, and perhaps most controversial, Steven Wright as Larry. Fingers crossed for Bill Maher as Shemp!... I gotta go.

p.s. oh yeah, forgot the star rating. I'll say,
***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

p.p.s. Good article on John McCain, but it probably won't change your mind.

Auteur Watch - Gina Prince-Bythewood

I don't know. From the looks of her IMDb mini-biography, I'm detecting some kind of self-righteous vibe. I mean, where's the normal human flaws that your average director exhibits? Where's the overeating of a Kevin Smith? Or the extreme dieting of a Peter Jackson? The Friedkin starter pistol? Spike Lee knows what I'm talking about. Oh, sure, there were her Dave Chappelle go-go 90s, but clearly she sold her soul after that. No more of that comedy kids' stuff, it's time to grow up, do feature films and be a man... woman. Besides, she doesn't need this crap. She coulda been the next Mary Decker!
So it's hard to say which decade Gina prefers: the lean-and-hungry 90s, or the flush-with-success 2000s. Probably the 2000s. She hit #1 with Love & Basketball. And the critics seemed to like it too. Clearly, Sanaa Lathan is supposed to be Gina, am I right? Gina hasn't been able to remake it since with the proper leading lady, but she is back on the radar with The Secret Life of Bees, no question. It's a period piece set in 1964, but clearly it has much resonance for today's economic crunch. Soon enough we'll all be heading to our local apiary with a heart for our honey fix. But Gina's not afraid to do the occasional TV job, with guest directing shots for the likes of Bernie Mac and Chris Rock. Here's hoping the silver screen beckons full time, huh? That's where the big bucks are.

The Vids Have It

Oh, those damn video games. Where's that Pac-Man movie I've been waiting for? They got a pinball version of Pac-Man, for God's sake! Anyway, as I should've figured, people are ready to laugh again, and Max Payne reigns triumphant this week at the Box Office. I coulda sworn W. was going to take top honors this week. Man, that guy can't do anything right. But let's hear it once again for Max Payne. And a brief shout-out to Beau Bridges; somehow I don't think he'll get the kudos that Jeff got for Iron Man. Oh well. Keep tryin', buddy!
Meanwhile, Beverly Hills Chihuahua slips to #2. Had to happen sometime. Bees is right behind at #3. Not bad for a chick flick! It's this century's Fried Green Tomatoes.
One last word on W.: Oscar noms? Or will it get the Brokeback Mountain treatment? Nominated like crazy but ultimately left at the altar...
Rounding out the top 5 it's Eagle Eye. Man, I thought that thing would never come down. Hang in there, Shia. There's always Transformers 2, and Shaker Heights 2: The Next Day!
-------------
#6 brings us Body of Lies. Sorry, guys, more people could get in to see Max Payne instead for an action fix.
A brief Shout-Out to Jermaine Jackson... oh, wait. Different one, I guess. And he's in Quarantine at #7. #8 is Nick and Norah... don't they know that most relationships, where the two people have the same letter in their first name, are DOOMED? Doomed, I tells ya! I read that in Cosmopolitan this week. And speaking of doomed, Rodanthe is at #10, almost gone. And we're almost gone, but before we go, let's scrutinize the FOURTH newbie this week: Sex Drive. This century's Road Trip, as if we needed another one. Well, as I thought, it did slightly better than College. Slightly better, and I think you can thank Scott Evil and Cyclops for that. See, College, you gotta have some stars to make some money. Not that Drake Bell isn't good. I swear that Josh Zuckerman's using a phony name. That's Andy Garcia's kid, right? Gotta be! Just gotta be. Oh well, it'll be gone soon enough. Time to hit the itchy hay.

Auteur Watch: Raja Gosnell

Welcome to the Movie Hooligan blog! In case this is your first time here, this is our segment called Auteur Watch, where we profile film directors, see where they came from, and speculate on where they're headed. In the case of Raja Gosnell, straight to the top. Now, I know some of you out there are probably reading this and thinking to yourself, Raja? TERRORIST! And normally, you'd be right. Oh, but look at the photos of him. That's right, it's a dude's name. Why, you could hardly pick him out at an airport, could you?
If you did see him at the airport, you might notice from his body language a confident stride. That's because his latest triumph is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Oh sure, it's in IMDb's Bottom 100, right down there with Fat Slags and Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos used to be at #1, but as you might guess, this half of the list is a little more chaotic than the top 250. Anyway, the bottom 250 list is just a love letter, really. The big number that matters? Two weeks in a row at #1! Read Variety sometime, you'll know what I mean.
Ah, but it's all familiar territory for Raja. Born in the (Los Angeles) winter of 1958 to Beverly and Ray Gosnell Jr., the movie business was his backyard. As you can see from father Ray's resumé, quality was pumped into Raja's head at an early age. Look at those films! Guess who's coming to Dinner, The Sting, Paper Moon, Mooch Goes to Hollywood. All classics. Raja's life gets a little fuzzy after that, as I'm too lazy to look up his Wikipedia entry... oh, all right. Hmm! Not much there either. And I don't like the fact that Raja's IMDb entry doesn't have anything that says son of Ray and Beverly. It's a two-way street, you know.
Starting out in the biz as an editor, things were slow, editing films like The Lonely Guy and Teen Wolf, Too (the good one). That is, until he got hooked up to the John Hughes / Christopher Columbus film school with... ta da! Home Alone! 12 weeks at #1! His turn to direct, right? Wrong! Back to the editing deck with you, squidly. Yeah, but my dad is... yeah, yeah, we don't care who your dad was, get back to your film glue and your non-digital sound and shut up. And that was how it was until Nine Months came and went. Didn't stick around as long as Home Alone, did it?
Anyway, after Nine Months in 1995, and unsure if he wanted to stay in this cruddy biz, something happened. Perhaps a chance meeting with Saul Bass or Stuart Baird? Someone to look him square in the face and say, "I've got three words for you, Raja: Go for it, go for it, go for it. Max out those credit cards and make a damn movie. And don't be kind to anyone on your way to the top, in case you have to come back down."
Ah, but it's tough to do even that in Hollywood. Fortunately there was a job opening, and soon enough, Home Alone 3 was a Raja Gosnell joint. The crisp editing was the first thing the critics noticed. From there it was a steady climb, Never Been Kissed, Big Momma's House? And then, the first big hit, Scooby Doo. 54 million opening weekend! Some people would put that on a chart showing the gradual decline of American literacy, mostly bookish liberal types on TV. I thought we got rid of those kinds! Anyway, even in Hollywood you can't argue with numbers. And Raja showed he wasn't one of those artiste types who wasn't afraid to do a sequel, and out came Scooby Doo Too. Not as profitable as the first, but at least he won't have to direct the third one. Took another bit of a dive with the family comedy, Yours, Mine and Ours (YMO). Guess the Cheaper by the Dozen train left sooner than you would of hoped.
But that's all behind Raja now, what with the triumph of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. So now that all his dreams have come true, what's next for Raja? Every director takes a long break at some point. Some to enter a new phase of their career, some to start a whole new studio, but not Raja. Up next on the resumé, Twist. What's it about?
Ah, who cares. As long as it's not an 80s flashback.

Top Dog Again!!!

Dang! Must be a slow market this week at the box office. Me, though, I had a feeling director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua Raja Gosnell had it in him. In fact, time for another episode of Auteur Watch... in a moment. First let us dwell briefly on the #1 movie this week, the movie that Paris Hilton called... actually, I don't know what she called it! You would think she would think it's hot. I mean, it was kind of inspired by her and that little rat she always carries around, right? Or maybe she's from the Nancy Kerrigan school, finding most things Disney to be distasteful. So corny, so dumb, remember? It should be in her Wikipedia entry... Yup! That's my girl!

Clocking in at #2, it's just one of FIVE, count 'em, five new entries this week, and it's Quarantine, about a ... quarantine. Probably of vampires. They're everywhere these days. Close enough; I just checked the description. And it of course heralds another new sibling team of filmmakers, the Dowdles! Tell you what, your next film will get you an Auteur Watch, guys.
At #3, Ridley Scott's latest, Black Hawk Down 2: Body of Lies. Boy! Even the CIA's taking a PR hit these days. This is hardly the progressive workplace of Spy Game or the first Bourne movie... something like that. Bad timing, Rid. Just bad timing. You shoulda released it a couple weeks earlier, beaten those Coen brother bastards to the punch. Meanwhile, two oldies round out the top 5, and they are ... ah, who cares.
------------
And now, the lower half. At #6, The Express, the latest PG movie, only this one, like I'll Fly Away, features the ol' vintage 1950s racism! If you're into that sort of thing. Now, a close friend of mine has gone on record saying they don't want to see anything that Dennis Quaid is in anymore. Not me, though. You're still on my list, Dennis. I just probably won't see this one in general. Meanwhile Rodanthe Nights and Appaloosa hang in there. Oscar noms, guys? Yeah, I think so.
At #9, it's The Duchess. Well, I hope Keira saved some of that Pirates money, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for the fourth one. In the meantime, why not do a road pic with Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder? Who could be the fourth?

And finally, the contentious #10 spot. I apologize for my mistake earlier. I was going off old data which had our fifth newbie City of Ember at #10, but apparently Fireproof was hanging on with more fingers. Praise Jesus! Oh my church life and my movie life are coming together so beautifully! Seriously, though, I do feel sorry for those Christians who spend all Sunday at church, and whose cultural life consists solely of Kirk Cameron movies for the adults, VeggieTales for the kids. I think Jesus is letting them down, big time. And speaking of Jesus, Sex Drive is coming out soon. Sorry if I spelled it wrong. Where will they succeed where College failed? Only 36 more hours til we find out!!

WDYWFU Cinema: Ed Wynn's Wonder Emporium

I like a G movie, as Edith Ann used to say. Or do I? Being a postmodern, post-Lord of the Rings neo-cineluddite, forever after numb to all that is good and wholesome in this world, I am guaranteed to have extra contempt in my heart for something like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, right?
Well, not at first, if that makes you feel any better. At least it wasn't based on some crappy kid's book first, I give 'em bonus points for that.

And now, time for Screenplay Structures 101:

Opening credits: Not as anarchic or retro as Monsters, Inc. Again, maybe I'm jaded, but surely they could've come up with an opening credits sequence a little more fantastical. A little more befitting the sense of wonderment that's sure to follow.
Time of Transition: SPOILERS - We start with a story about a magical toy shop, named after the film's title. (It's too late to retype the hwole damn thing.) And we see how the operation works, and we learn a little about the store's owner and his cheerful yet beleaguered assistant, Molly Mahoney. So, with the introductions aside, we find out that Magorium is "leaving". Dying? Well, sort of like that. But he's going to act as his own Kevorkian, by God.
Oh yeah, and Magorium hires an accountant. A real stuffed shirt, played by the now ubiquitous Jason Bateman. What did I just see him in? And right there the audience is split. Who will drag us into the story: the accountant, or Magoo's plucky assistant? Or for the kids, the weird kid with the hat collection? Too many avatars to choose from.

Enigma: Or MacGuffin, as Roger Ebert calls it. The stuff that dreams are made of, sweetheart. Only, it's not that thing that everyone's trying to steal from one another. It's not that kind of movie. No, it's that thing, that living breathing metaphor, that physical symbol of hope for a better tomorrow. It's either an object that starts off as useless but gains meaning by the end of the movie, or it's something you have to start building and finish by the last reel. The best example of the latter is the thing that Charlie Sheen decides to build in Cadence, and I know the eggheads over at Maxim will agree with me. Coming in at a close second, the model ship in Small Soldiers. In the instant case, it's a big wooden cube. Now what kinduva toy is that? Well, I'm sorry, but if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're just gonna have to suffer like I did.

Cameos and product placements abound. The magic Slinkies were good. Somebody's been waiting for years for a Slinky to do that; probably just me! Anyway, the Simpsons hadn't got to it yet. An odd mix of toys real and imagined in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Brio? The world's largest kickball? And c'mon. That Abe Lincoln made of Lincoln Logs, that brought a smile to your face, Gen X, right? And of course, my old pal Hi Ho Kermit the Frog. I get the feeling he wrote his own material for this one.

As near as I can tell, the special effects are first rate and seamless, although Magorium's final departure looked a bit like the Le Studio Canal vanity logo. And even though the toy store is a place of infinite joy, the film's budget is limited. No wonder we spent so much time on the dialogue between the 'Mutant' and the kid, writing notes to each other through a glass window! But the end does provide a scene of crowded wonderment, and younger audiences will want to rewind that one a couple times to see what they missed the first couple times. As for the owner of the toy store dying, well, isn't that part of the kindergarten curriculum these days? Carpe diem and memento mori, you little brats!

Good double bill with: The Last Mimzy

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

So! 'Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World' vs. 'The Kingdom': Which kicks more ass?

Well, there I go again. Two seemingly disparate movies: one an R-rated actioner, one a PG-13 rated comedy; must've been the drug use part. But they're similar in some respects: they're both about Americans foraying into the Muslim half of the world, both have trouble negotiating the various cultural barriers, and both kind of lose their way and don't know what to do with the material. Of course the Spike TV / Maxim / GQ - Details magazine crowd (Hey! Anybody remember Details magazine? Is it even in print anymore?) will tell you right away that, duh! It's a no-brainer, The Kingdom kicks more ass. What are you, gay? I of course, respectfully disagree, for I do not judge the kick-ass-edess of a movie based on its bullet count. Pink Cadillac is apparently a comedy, but it's sure got a lot of semi-automatic gunplay in it, but I digress. Let's take it one at a time...

CSI: SAUDI ARABIA, OR MICHAEL MANN, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Not being good enough for Mann to direct, he gets up-and-coming wunderkind Peter Berg to take over. Somehow I had a bad feeling when he was in the crucial scene at the beginning.
Like Lord of War slightly before it, does The Kingdom live up to its opening credit sequence? Here's how the star system broke down for me. As I started watching, three and a half stars. As the commercials portrayed it, could this be the Syriana of Saudi Arabia? And SPOILERS: the opening credits certainly looked like it, providing a brief history of the last 100 years or so in that country's history. Then the film proper begins. Then the questions started coming. Are they REALLY going to let FBI agents go into Saudi Arabia to investigate a bombing? Are they REALLY going to let Big Lips go over there? Is somebody REALLY going to use Saudi corruption hitting the papers as a bargaining chip to go over there a whole lot faster? The questions died off for a while. And then, the gunplay begins. Down to 3 stars. Then the WWE-style body slamming started happening. Down to 2 and a half stars. Then Bateman gets taken hostage. Two stars. I'll leave it at that.
First of all, Academy Award winner Chris Cooper is wasted in his role. But, a paycheck's a paycheck. Second, Saudi Arabia is not Iraq. Remember when Michael Moore stood in front of their embassy a little too long? Or maybe I'm just being ignorant. As for the American colony living over there in the shadow of Big Oil, I'm reminded of when Moe the bartender gives Homer a free beer and Barney says "Wow! You didn't give a free beer to those freed Iranian hostages!" to which Moe replies "Ah, they shouldn't have been over there in the first place." I didn't even see the ending. How does it end?
**

IRANIANS FOR ALBERT
Well, it's been a while, but let me just say I'm a fan of Brooks' work. I'm torn between Mother and Defending Your Life in regards to which is his best work. Mother was pretty sweet, and Defending Your Life is arguably the seminal film of the new Spiritual age in film. So I know ol' Albert strives for quality work. I'll even forgive Fred Thompson being in the film. I know he tried hard here but the film kinda doesn't know where to go with the premise. His wide-eyed assistant, though. It's a breakthrough performance; maybe ... ah, forget it. She's American.
Hard to say if the film's healed the schism between our two cultures, but I must say that Albert's heading off into a dangerous direction. First he badmouths Adam Sandler. Then, there's this quote on his IMDb entry: "... We export films that are full of sleazy [penis] jokes and toilet humor - that's why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan... " First of all, that's America's bread and butter you're talking about, my friend! In terms of countries, we're the loud frat boy party animal. The world looks to us for leadership in that domain. Guess it won't be long before Albert's whipping his wife for showing too much ankle. And if you're going to attack Adam Sandler, start with Rob Schneider, then work your way up.
By the way, John Carpenter called. He wants his font back.

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

The series continues ...

Down and Out in Beverly Hills...
Troop Beverly Hills...
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills 90210...
Beverly Hills Ninja...
The Slums of Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy...
Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills...

I think that's all of 'em. In any case, we've got the latest in the series. Only a matter of time before Costco's got a 20-pack of these shrink-wrapped. Hey! It'd be a lot more compact if you put a hundred of 'em in one of those 100-pack DVD or CD cylinders. Yes, it's all part of the Disney revival. Oh sure, they're down every once in a while, but when they're up, they're up. And the cryonically frozen head of Walt Disney spins a little faster as it awaits the arrival of a nice fresh donor body. Preferably one of those bodybuilder types. Man or woman will do at this point. Where was I? Oh yeah! The MOVIE! I guess this means it's time to do Auteur Watch: Raja Gosnell. Right, Raja? You dood it again, buddy!
In close second, Eagle Eye. Yawn; no surprise. And debuting at #3 is Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Does it live up to the title? It's my biggest lawsuit since my suit against the movie The NeverEnding Story. Plus, the whole "Pretend to be my boyfrined" bit. Oh yeah, girls've been doing that to me for YEARS. Been there, lived that!
So BHC and Nick and Norah pretty much got the Rom-Com thing all sewed up, right? Not so! At #4 it's Nights in Rodanthe, which I guess is unintentionally a Rom-Com, and at #5 we got Appaloosa, a manly western. I hate to use the word hardcore here... what's a more appropriate word? Something less cliché than 'old school'. Fresh words, please! Rugged! That's it. At least, it was rugged, until she came along. Chick flick!
Awright, another week of box office eventually disposed of. What's to come next week? I mean, tomorrow? Probably that Body of Lies thing. Man, some bigshot producer plunked down some coin to make THAT.

Auteur Watch - Alex Kendrick

Reporting for duty! All right, let's get on with it. Well, there's not much about Father Alex on the IMDb, but Wikipedia's got the dirt! And all the hyperlinks you could want... not me, though. I'm far too busy already as it is. But guess what ladies? He's single! ...oh, right.

...Whoa! I must've just incurred the wrath of Jesus, because my web browser just started multiplying fruitfully! You ever do that thing where you hold the Shift key and click a link? Well, it opened one new window. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another.
Get the idea? And I was like, omg! Who's hacking my computer? I'm not covered for that kind of thing. I hope it's just regular Windows kludginess at work here.

Anyway, back to the post, just like I promised previously. Now, Alex has helmed three movies here, Flywheel, Facing the Giants, and Fireproof. The 3 Fs, as we call it in the biz. I guess the coach in Facing the Giants doubles as the Pastor. But then I notice the budgets of these films: Flywheel cost $20,000 to make, Giants cost $10,000, but Fireproof jumps through the roof at a whopping $500,000! What, did Kirk get $480,000 or something? What makes him so special? As a loyal member of your church, Mr. Kendrick, I demand some accountability! Where exactly are my weekly collections plate dollars going? I want them going to God, not Holly-weird! In the meantime, take note, Rodriguez! You could learn a thing or two from this guy about budgets, Mr. $7,000 Budget!

Kendrick sweeped the Sabaoth Film Festival for Flywheel in 2003. Nothing in terms of awards since. Must be nice being a newbie for once, though, huh?
Guess that's about all I have to say about that. Let me know if I forgot anything.

Box Office Bottleneck, pt. 1

More disturbing trends yet. This rise of the anti-secular box office is a little off-putting, to say the least (TSTL). I mean, if not for Religulous (#10) and Burn After Reading (#7), who knows what else would be knocking at #1's door? Fred Ashman's Proud American? Meanwhile we have the anti-Michael Moore screed, An American Carol. If this lasts another week, Chris Farley's brother is going to change his name to Jim Belushi. And Fireproof goes to town with one gold piece and brings back 3.99 million. So I say unto thee, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. And I owe you an Auteur Watch, as promised.
Seriously, though, I'm always in favor of films that promote discussion, especially when I talk to people who tell me how defective my brain is if I don't see things their way. Republicans and Jesus freaks! Lord protect me from your followers! Moving on to #6 it's Lakeview Terrace, a pro-Daryl Gates screed that ... oh, wait. It's not that bad, but I still ain't gonna see it. Sorry, Samuel L. But I will see that new one you got coming out, The Five Heartbeats pt. 2 I think it's called.
And I'm spent.

All 'Choke' 'd up: The Black Market Box Office

You know, people ask me all the time, "But Movie Hooligan! I thought you just reviewed movies! Why cover something as shallow as the Top 10?" You know, I've often asked myself that question. Maybe it's routine, maybe it's like a workout at the gym, maybe it's a slap in the face to independent cinema and more needless gladhanding of the slick oiling of the Hollywood machine. But you can't deny that it's ... something. Man, I wish I were a better writer. Of words.
We'll save that philosophical dilemma for another time. Meantime, I still gotta do my duty for my fitful readers. And you know what, faithful reader? Variety called it a bottleneck. That's a good word for it, indeed. This plague of fresh meat is choking us all! It's getting so's a regular film can't even crack the Top 10 anymore! Where's all the crap I saw advertised on the TV? Where's Choke? Where's Blindness? Where's Flash of Genius? Where's How to Lose Friends and Alienate People? Kirsten Dunst, for God's sake! KIRSTEN DUNST!! She was Elizabeth the First, you know!
Not to mention all those other films that barely made it on to the Top 10, then disappeared faster than a globule of water in a frying pan, skating over the bubbling oil within. Like Spike Lee's thing, and Ghost Town. I must be forgetting something.
So, allow me to apologize again, unless it's the first time this post, but a box office weekend like this, I gotta break it up into three chunks. Normally I do two at the most, and it's 1-5 and 6-10, but I just gotta include a third for all those films flying so low under the radar, they must've gotten caught on that TGV going through the Chunnel or something. And you thought the subprime mortgage crisis was bad! Man, I'd hate to have to be answering the phone at the MGM P.R. center. When was the last time that studio had a hit? They're now putting all their eggs in the next James Bond basket.

I've just been told that Kirsten Dunst has yet to portray Elizabeth the First, but she in fact was Marie Antoinette. I must of been thinking of Elizabethtown. Yeah, that was it. Plus it's late. Gotta go.

Auteur Watch - Gary Fleder

Hello! And welcome to Auteur Watch, where we profile all film directors great and small, and kinda gather some examples of what they're up to and get right back to ya! This week, Gary Fleder. Now I'm sure there's a lot of you out there who may be asking, "What's a Gary Fleder?" Well, if you just give me a chance to talk... Hmm! Good question, though. What is a Gary Fleder? Well, he's not quite Todd Solondz, and he's not quite Brett Ratner. No, I guess he falls somewhere in between. I guess you could say he's a hard working guy, like Steven Seagal said of one of the poor shlubs making one of his crappy movies, one who WASN'T Andrew Davis. Yeah, I guess you could say Gary Fleder is in Andrew Davis territory. Well, better that than Ron Underwood territory. Man, I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Where was I? Oh yeah, back to the Fled-man. As usual, I tend to wander too far afield, WAY more than six hyperlink degrees of separation. Basically, he's on the right career track; not successful enough to justify a full-time cinematic career, but not hacky enough to get stuck in TV fulltime. He's back with The Express soon to come out. Hard to say if the market has piqued on these PG sports movies; McG certainly thinks so. Maybe Fleder will fare better.
Welp, The G-man hasn't had much of a career yet, so we really can't fairly apply the Favorite Decade test to him. He probably would say the nascent 90s, when things were new and exciting; he made it through his Tarantino phase intact enough, was part of a franchise ... Hey! A franchise is a franchise, even if Ashley Judd's involved... and then, on to some exciting cable work that was PRACTICALLY good enough to be in the theater. But if he knows what's good for him, and his agent will no doubt confirm this, he will surely say that the much busier 2000s are clearly his favorite decade. An aborted theater release that's close to crossing the cult threshold, probably because of Philip K. Dick's involvement; I swear, Dick must be the most adapted sci-fi guy by now! Second only to ... Asimov? Jules Verne? Who cares. The main thing is, he survived, and he'll even do the DVD commentary just to show there's no hard feelings. Besides, it's still more interesting than Don't Say A Word, or The Game 2 as it's known in the biz. And then, a John Grisham adaptation, usually good for any director's career. Unfortunately, Runaway Jury also serves as a pre-Katrina travelogue of New Orleans. At least in my mind. And you know what? Sure, he could've been a bigshot at this point and continued on the cinema track, but no! Back to TV. That's his choice, and I applaud him for it. Not everyone can do that, you know.
Or can they? Is there the pressure to pick a side? I actually don't know. He's not in Spielberg Amazing Stories territory, of course, but then again who is? Oh, but enough from me. Whatever you choose, here's to you, Gary Fleder. Keep up the good work, and don't bogart the Elswit! I almost forgot.

P.S. Just got a call from Ron Underwood's agent asking for an apology. I apologize; I meant to say Rod Daniel. Man, that guy could screw up an episode of Scrubs.

Short Reviews - Sep. '08

In some tragic news this week: Amelie and Lola ran into each other on a street in Madrid, Spain and they both instantly exploded. Makeup and feminine wiles were scattered everywhere. However, on the plus side, Tyler Perry, David E. Kelley and Stephen J. Cannell have entered a veritable Screenwriter Thunderdome. Three titans of all screens big and small enter, one prolific jackass leave! I think they'll get greeted by David Mamet of all people. I'm still waiting for his take on Jekyll and Hyde with Judd Law! Time for short reviews.

Oh, oh! Before we get to that, it's time for another Maxim Magazine review. This time, of the 1997 HBO movie, Don King: Only in America with Ving Rhames as Don King.

"This otherwise unremarkable movie contains the single greatest line of dialogue ever uttered on the stage or the silver screen in the history of the world. Scene: Don King (Rhames) is in a bathroom, about to negotiate a deal. He finishes taking a leak and goes to shake the guy's hand. The guy, taken aback, says 'Whoa, whoa! You didn't wash your hands!' The King replies, 'I wash my hands BEFORE I touch my di¢k.' I wept openly for days. That single line makes Shakespeare look like a pussy. Even including Titus Andronicus. Bravo, Mr. King! Bravo."

Okay, on to the short reviews.


Zack and Miri Make a Porno - I know it's too early, but here goes anyway: Oscar committee, stop the search. You have your 2008 Best Picture nominee!

Burn After Reading - Only -11 days to g... oh, right...

A Serious Man - I figure it's about 330 days to go. And Roger's back! Oh, thank God the bitter feud is over.

Hari Puttar: a comedy of terrors - Go, Underdogs!

Eagle Eye - shia gets into another fiery car crash...

The Chronicles of Riddick - David Twohy's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King... only better?

Righteous Kill - Yeah, they list the eight classic movies that DeNiro and Pacino have done. Will this be the ninth? Shyeah, right! And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Although, it would make a good 9 DVD-pack. Or Blu-Ray. Get on it, Costco!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - But, Bleeker! Where's Juno? Divorced already? Say it isn't so!

Appaloosa - You know what? Ed Harris as John McCain! Of course, they'll have to make his face asymmetrical somehow. Good luck, Rick Baker!

An American Carol - Chris Farley's brother, you should be ashamed of yourself. But, seeing you on Spike Feresten's show recently, I guess you're not.

A Christmas Carol - More mo-cap madcap madness from Zemeckis? I'm so there! ... maybe. If I'm not busy that weekend.

Surfer, Dude - EDtv part 2: Toke, Caution

The Brothers Bloom - In Bruges, pt. 2?

The International - Run Clive Owen Run!!!!

The Soloist - Blatant Oscar Bait. But why? Hasn't Downey Jr. won already? ...oh, right.

The Secret Life of Bees - Tyler Perry's The Secret Life of Bees?

Death Note 2 - Movie or video game?

Proud American - I'm moving to Canada

Igor - Okay, it's not Pixar, but what a cast!

2012 - Stargate 2? I mean, thematically, of course. Another thinking man's blockbuster from the director of ID4 and The Patriot.

Battle in Seattle - Filmed in Vancouver

Andy Barker, P.I. - Lookwell, pt. 2?

Sex Drive - Seriously, is that Andy Garcia's kid?

Kung Fu Hustle 2 - I should've guessed!

Flash of Genius - Now they've gone from sports movies to car movies!...

How to Make a Movie - From the people who brought you Date Movie and Disaster Movie... oh, wait, I'm sorry, actually they're using this movie as a study guide. My mistake.

Ghost Town (1988) - Clearly not as fun...

The Last Mimzy - Too flimsy, not enough whimsy...

Shoot 'em Up - I only saw a few minutes of it, but it was enough to ask myself: a) is it violent enough? I mean, you see the heart and lungs of the bad guy, but can't we see them explode? And b) is it misogynistic enough? I mean, I like Clive Owen and all, but can he really do that with a straight face? I mean, ripping open a woman's shirt and saying "Give your baby something to drink." In the midst of a bloodbath, okay, but still. I guess the video game is better.

2112 - Nope. Still just an awesome album.

Yes Man - Yeah, Jim, it's 1994 all over again, and you're on top of the world. You've saved some money just in case, right?

Beverly Hills Chihuahua - Oh, B.H.C. You're incorrigible!

Viva Shaf Vegas - The dark side of Paul Shaffer. This seems to be the special he's always wanted to make; and now he's done it, and life goes on. So at the very least, interesting as a curio for anyone who's more than a casual fan of the Letterman show. Those Late Night outtakes, well, you'll either like 'em a lot or hate 'em a lot more. Also, keep an ear open for Dr. Hibbert as a limo driver.


I must be forgetting something... oh well.

Nights in Rodanthe, never reaching the end ...

Four new newbies! Is this a record? ...probably not. And frankly, such instability in the hit movie market doesn't give me consumer confidence, or even normal confidence. Oh, shudder. But as my statistical methods improve over time, I'll be able to say with greater confidence the average number of debut movies that debut to my beloved Top 10 in any given week. Anybody want the job?
Up first, Eagle Eye. No surprise there. Why, I'm sure even Box Office Guru saw that coming. Better watch it, Bruckheimer! First Spielberg steals Michael Bay from you, now people are copying Bay's style! What next? DreamWorks renegs on Verbinski's contract? A good friend of mine said it looked like Enemy of the State, but I didn't see the similarity.
At #2, the terrible wrath of Nicholas Sparks rears its ugly head once again. I mean, he's no Nick Hornby or Roddy Doyle; on the other hand, he's no Dan Brown yet. And I'm talkin' about Unfaithful 2: Nights in Rodanthe. Or is it Three? Don't these people ever get tired of making all these movies together?
At #3, Lakeview Terrace hangs in there with much tenacity. A lot of old hands in front of the camera on this one... Damn you, Eckhart! Were you so unavailable? In his place, it's relatively fresh-faced Patrick Wilson who shines. What, was Cole Hauser so unavailable?

At #4, Fireproof. I tell you what, if this is still in the Top 10 next week, we're doing Auteur Watch: Alex Kendrick! ...unless I forget.
And rounding out the top 5 is my beloved Burn After Reading. You know, actors love working with the Coens. Even Manolo, right? What, was Luis Avalos so busy?
---
At 6 to 10 as usual, we come to the dregs. I got no new quips this week, so I'll just give either a brief Shout Out or Oh, Snap! to Mr. Spike Lee and his WWII epic, Miracle at St. Anna. I think I know what happened: you didn't give yourself a good enough part. ...wait a minute! You didn't give yourself a part at all! No grandfather of Mars Blackmon? No Mookie the First? You're not doubting your gift, are you, brother? Say it isn't so! Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you anyway come Oscar time next year. But Inside Man 2 is still on, right?

Ridley Scott's Godfather GoodFellas Blow

Academy Award nominee for art decoration and Ruby Dee. Sorry, dear, it was the foreigners' year to win. To start on an intensely personal note, I think I'm getting used to all those hypodermic needles when I go to the doctor. I never thought I would, and I still don't totally like it, or hate looking over and seeing the blood going into it, but that painful puncture of the skin gets easier and easier with each inoculation or blood draw. Except when they miss the damn artery and just jab random muscle. That's not so good. Or when they leave one tiny air bubble in the solution, just to give you a good scare, but I digress. The main thing here is about how we've become a culture of lists. David Letterman paved the way in the beginning of course, with his nightly Top Ten list, but the internet has exploded the need for lists quite ... exponentially? You knew that word was coming, right? Had to.

Not just top 10 lists, of course. Twenty-five is also a popular list number. Cosmopolitan magazine will invariably have the top 25 signs your guy's cheating on you, or the top 100 new positions to try tonight. Why, I remember in the old days when MTV had the Top 300 videos of all time! Really? Only 300? Or the top 1000 places to visit or foods to try before you die, just to add the spice of urgency to your otherwise sedentary, drab, uneventful schedules. Yes, lists ranging in numbers, category and degree of urgency all over the place, because there's a wealth of information out there on the web, but the real money is in collating all this information into easily digested, infotainment form!

Of late, movies have especially fallen victim to this craze of list-ification, for lack of a better (or the proper) word. And in viewing something recently like American Gangster, and being unable to put on the tin foil hat in time to block the giant media conglomerate's auxiliary signal, one can't help but think: where would a movie like American Gangster be in, say, a list of the great gangster pictures of all time? A list to be featured prominently, say, in a magazine such as Film Comment or Details Magazine? Well, of course Godfather would be #1, followed by Godfather 2 at #2. Out of respect, Godfather 3 would have to round out the Top 25, let's call it. That contentious area near the top of the list, of course, is subject to payola. Always has been. It usually depends on what's coming out soon: say, for example, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly remastered Bugsy Malone on Blu-Ray and Hi-Def. And because it's Bugsy Malone, or something like Mobsters or even, God forbid, Deuces Wild (couldn't even remember the title!) the writer or editor of the list will have to write "What? It's a good movie! Or a childhood favorite, anyway." No, there's no shame or irony, or even science about these things anymore. They're called guilty pleasures now.

But back to the central question here: where does American Gangster belong on this list? Well, short answer, somewhere in the middle. Yes, that obscure middle between Godfather and Bugsy Malone where all good films go to die. But not right away for American Gangster, because it did open at #1, and went on to make more than 100 million dollars at the U.S. box office. Let's see GoodFellas do that today, huh? Was Denzel or Russell Crowe in GoodFellas? I think not. Case closed. These kinds of films are doing better lately, like The Departed, and of course let's not leave out the influence that was HBO's The Sopranos. The movie appetite was primed, the stage was set for an honest-to-God true to life story like American Gangster to come along and, like Donnie Brasco before it, the people in the movie just couldn't believe Brasco was the Blue Magic CEO of ... oh, wait, mixing my movies again.

More importantly, does it eke out a unique place for itself in the gangster genre? Sort of, but doing that is much harder these days. There are nods to Serpico and Blow, and countless others I'm not aware of, I'm sure. Calling it Black Godfather seems unfair somehow. And it's not really like GoodFellas because GoodFellas is more like a documentary in comparison. American Gangster seems to lean more on script conventions. After all, we do start with two seemingly separate plot threads that eventually intertwine: the story of Denzel's rags-to-riches fable of Bumpy Johnson's driver's rise to power, and Russell Crowe's Serpico-esque cop becoming head of a special drug task force. So really, this is Ridley Scott's Amos & Andrew, when you get right down to it!

Now normally I'm still in the throes of '70s fatigue, in the movies and TV shows anyhow. (Hey! Remember that afro you had back in the 70s? Every great TV character goes through this rite of passage now, either as an actual flashback or as a reluctant but well-costumed attendee at a theme party.) Ridley has kidnapped Gus Van Sant's cameraman to provide that washed out 70s look to the film, and you can see where the money went: to meticulous use of period vehicles. CGI or not, it's pretty neat. (Especially in HD!) There are of course the usual discos and bell-bottom fashion here, but we also do get a Vietnam war backdrop, and boldly go where no drug film has gone before: into Apocalypse Now territory! Not to give anything away, but finally, a reason to keep the Vietnam War going! As in The Good Shepherd, a period piece about the CIA's formation in the early 60s, there is a nod to our modern woes in a post 9-11 world, only not as blatant as The Good Shepherd. When Crowe's police work goes so far as to open coffins returning from vietnam, well ... Again, not as obvious as the rendition or waterboarding of The Good Shepherd. That's what I got from it, anyway. Sorry if I ruined the surprise.

The acting is top notch as usual. Kudos to RZA as one of Russell Crowe's Untouchables. However, as my good friend pointed out, Denzel's Frank Lucas seems to have been painted in a better light than the actual man probably was in real life. That's leaving aside the occasional fits of ultra-violence, of course, when he has to kill someone to make a point. And even though Crowe's cop is trying to better himself by becoming a lawyer, it seemed more than a little implausible that they would leave the prosecution of Frank Lucas up to him. But, I'm too tired to read up on that myself. Maybe he really did, I don't know! It just seemed implausible! ...oh yeah. I was expecting something different from Josh Brolin's performance, but I guess he hit the right note. See, this was all before his sudden rise in stardom, so I guess it was just a case of holding his own amongst the Oscar winners. The scene where he pulls over Frank Lucas after his wedding was a good scene. You'll just have to see that one for yourself. Also, there's the dude that plays Russell Crowe's childhood buddy who's now a gangster, and I swear he could be the next earthly reincarnation of Robert De Niro, if that job wasn't already taken.

As I said before, it feels less like a documentary like GoodFellas and more of a Hollywood script, but a good one. Steven Zaillian, who took a critical and audience beating over All the King's Men, is still one of the smartest screenwriters in Hollywood today. One of my favorite lines is given by Russell Crowe's character, that locking up Frank Lucas would be a blow to the law enforcement community, because it would put too many cops out of work! Oh, and Crowe's ex-wife's impassioned 'speech' to him in court: one man's virtue is another man's stubbornness, something to that effect. She did it better.

So where does it go in the list? Well, in the same column as Blow, but above, and the same row as Serpico. Something like that. That's for a more enterprising mind than mine to figure out. ;)

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Bob Shaye

Don't worry, Bob. I'll go easier on you than The Village Voice did.
Seriously, though, you'd think a bigshot like the head of New Line Cinema Robert Shaye would take a bigger directorial risk than this. It's like he's Roger Corman, but with more money. Lord of the Rings-style money. His previous directorial effort was the not-too-outstanding coming of age period piece, 1990's Book of Love. I remember the TV spot for that one, 'cuz a dude's shirt gets ripped off by his truck engine. Man, that dude was ripped! But that's how the brain works sometimes, you know. You forget all the foreign language and computer science courses you ever took in your life, but that TV trailer for Book of Love is in there forever.
But, life goes on, and it's been 17 years, and this directorial cicada is feeling the magic. If I remember correctly, this time it's a film from one of the original producers of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so naturally... another classic, right? ...no. I want to spare you my misery. I can't let you go through with it! Turn back now! Save yourselves!

Seriously, though, I'm really the wrong person to be reviewing this movie. It's really more of a kids movie. I could waste your time going over the holes in the plot, or the routine nature of the script (at about the two thirds mark we kept telling each other, "Just go with it.") At this point in my life though, I tend to focus on the scenery and locations. Ah, Seattle. I love Seattle movies. And having lived in Seattle apartments for the last ten years or so, I look at this middle class couple in their modest Queen Anne rambler and I say to myself, Damn! Am I looking in a mirror?

Oh but there I go again. I must of really hated this movie. I didn't even mention the plot yet! Now, I'm a Democrat, but seriously, this was left-wing claptrap. No wonder we can't get a majority in the House and Senate. Where's the school bully taunting the kid at the golf course? I mean, at the REI putting range? Now, to re-establish my Democrat left-wing bonafides, I did like An Inconvenient Truth, and I'm doing my part to get the CO2 ppm back below 350, but the film is an uneasy mix of politically correct meditation and plot holes. I was reminded of the parents in Little Buddha, who also lived in Seattle, but more importantly who also didn't believe their kids were so special that they were going to convert to Buddhism... close enough. Oh yeah, and there's a Jumanji-esque sci-fi toy package (the MacGuffin) that washed up on the Whidbey Island beachfront property right next door to mine! Damn, if I only did more beachcombing. The kids were cute, but honestly, not as cute as the kids in Click. I wasn't too impressed with the acting; on the other hand, the script didn't give the kids much to work with. But by God, they read their lines as convincingly as they could, and that's the sure hand of a stalwart director at work right there, that's what that is.

I know I'm forgetting something, but let me just mention one more thing, and I better put SPOILER ALERT for all those of you who are running off to rent this right now, but have decided to stick with me nonetheless. I did love the part where the kids take a van from the secret "Seattle Research Facility" where their family is being, uh, detained? The teacher (Rainn Wilson - awright! A local boy!) awakens from a fitful sleep and tells his wife that something in his dream is telling him to go to ... the Crab Shack on Highway 20? Something like that. But he doesn't know why. Now for a jaded sophisticate like me, I'm thinking, okay. In a script as taut as this one, how's the wife going to convince her hubby that they need to drive there right now? I did get a laugh out of the teacher saying he's going back to sleep. Again, we said aloud, "Just go with it." But that's the brilliant work of Alpha script dog and one-time director in his own right, one of them fancy three-name boys, Bruce Joel Rubin. I'll bet he was trying to usurp the director throne all through principal photography, right, Shaye? Email me the story later on.

Now, let's get down to ratings. As for the old, reliable star system that everyone hates, how to rate The Last Mimzy? Surely a letter grade would be more appropriate? Seeing as how school plays an integral part in the story? Maybe, but not from me. Here's how it works: three stars is for a passable studio film like The Client or Just Cause, entertaining enough the first time, but nothing particularly remarkable to warrant a second viewing. (On the other hand... oh, Scarlett. Were you ever that young?) Anything below three stars, and you're venturing into dark territory, where you don't know if you can make it all the way through one viewing. But like a couple other critics before me, I'm gonna go with two and a half stars. You know, not sorry I watched it, and it did look pretty great in HD, but please. Highway 20? No one in Seattle knows where the f.. where that is.

As for you, Bob Shaye, you look like you're getting on in years, so let's crank out another film before the next 17 year mark, huh? Maybe 2001 Maniacs part 3! Why not direct that?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Good double bill with: D.A.R.Y.L.

Samuel L. 22:15

I knew this would happen. I should of seen it coming. But then again, American audiences are being a little more receptive to the auteurs at the box office lately. The ship is slowly turning: with The Departed at #1 two years ago and making over 100 million dollars, Scorsese's finally a hit. Now the Coens, and of course Spike Lee's WWII pic hoping to clean up both at the Oscars and at the box office. In the meantime, the fourteenth incarnation of David Mamet, Neil LaBute, kicks la-butt at the box office yet again, just like he did with The Wicker Man two years ago... didn't he? Oh dear, I lapsed in my accounting. I think it was, though. But he's so successful now, he doesn't even need to do his own screenwriting anymore! What a relief. As for Samuel L., well, he already remade Tin Men, so this must be his remake of ... Unlawful Entry? There Goes The Neighborhood? What gives, SLJ?

Sliding to #2, or I guess I should say, simmering down to #2 it's Burn After Reading. Time to run the ads that say it's the #1 comedy in America. Of course, the way comedy in film's going these days, Lakeview Terrace might claim that one, too.

And just like last week, we got four newbies on the list! Kewl! LT at #1, of course. At #3, it's My Best Friend's Girl with everyone's favorite frat-boy white boy funny man, Dane Cook as Tank. Really? Tank? It's not a nickname anymore? Ethan Suplee five years ago. Maybe he'd be a Tank. You still got it, Deutch!

Another newbie at #4, it's Igor. Oh dear, these Pixar-esque fests just aren't surefire hits anymore. What does everyone else do so wrong, but Pixar do so right? I'm thinkin' the merchandising. Where's the Igor lunchboxes and plush toys, cheapskates?

At #5, Righteous Kill, yeah yeah yeah. #6, Tyler Perry, yeah yeah yeah. #7, The Women, yeah yeah yeah. But DEBUTING at #8, it's Ghost Town! The fourth newbie this week. What gives? I thought America was in love with Ricky Gervais! Guess it's back to HBO for you, buddy! You're so big (in the industry), they'll just build another show around you. Maybe you could play a wacky janitor somewhere, your version of Good Will Hunting, something like that. Work on it. Or maybe you could play a mob informant who says a little too much, doesn't know when to stop talking, many scenes of awkwardness, that kind of thing.

---

And at 9 and 10, as we usually do, we've got the tragic end of a life well lived. The Dark Knight didn't quite make it to 600 million in the U.S., but there's always the overseas market. They're a little more solvent over there these days, anyway. At #10, The House Bunny. Put 'em both together, you got Donnie Darko! I gotta go...

The Confession vs. Half Baked: Which Kicks More Ass?

Nope, I won't be able to dig myself out of this hole, but it's almost 1 in the morning, and I think the best thing for all involved is to just get it over with. I think the title should be, rather, "The Double Bill from Hell". No offense to either the filmmakers or the programmers who put the double bill together. In a sense, they are kinda similar: one being an obscure actor's showcase, the other a cult comedy about weed. Both about protagonists on the verge of great career success, but who throw it all away in order to do the right thing. Ain't that the whole story of life right there?
Up first, The Confession, and I will say it looked pretty great in HD, no less! I don't know. It's not particularly remarkable, kind of a hybrid of The Verdict and A Civil Action, not to give too much away. Maybe a little Fracture thrown into the mix, but without Hannibal to make it a kitsch klassic. And no David Mamet screenplay where he gets to throw in (just one of) his trademark line(s), "Things change". It starts with two seemingly separate story threads, one of a lawyer on his way to the top, played by an extra-pouty Alec Baldwin... I was able to suspend my disbelief eventually, but I couldn't help but think of the gazillions of times he was on SNL. Schwety balls!!! The other (plot thread) is about a family about to be visited by an awful family tragedy. Hard to believe this was filmed in the Clinton administration! Anyway, the two seemingly disparate story threads eventually intertwine, taking up the rest of the damn movie, but not before alpha dog Jay O. Sanders struts his rich businessman stuff all over the place. Surely Maxim magazine took note of this guy! Or GQ or Details or any number of the other men's magazines out there. Thoreau's lost essay, my ass! That's another thing one of these movies usually has. In American Beauty it was the Nazi dinnerware, ... there's other examples, I'm sure. Oh yeah, Safe Men had the Stanley cup. Priceless. Anyway, things unfold in a typical way eventually, but they throw enough dust into your eyes to keep it interesting. Incidentally, how does a rising star defense attorney get to be D.A.? Would they let Johnny Cochran be D.A. in Los Angeles? I think not. And how many judges do you know who are dating a defense attorney? Just Janice Rogers Brown, huh? I thought so. And how unlikely is it that said defense attorney would get involved with his client's wife? Well, I guess I gave just about all of it away. The actors are in fine form, of course. Ben Kingsley does his usual solid work, although I just couldn't get into his quest against the modern justice system, or his proselytizing on the subject of God. Time to refresh yourself on the story of Job. Six Feet Under's Richard Jenkins is also on hand, although I hear it's not his best work since The Visitor, or The Witches of Eastwick, for that matter. I don't know who the prosecuting attorney was, but if he worked on it I think he's got a great Tom Brokaw impression in his future!...
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To cleanse a jaded melodrama palate, Half Baked was next on the docket. Don't ask me why. Okay, it was on sale at the pawn shop. And the picture quality was great! Watching it in HD, though, you can tell it was made the old fashioned way, on good ol' 35mm celluloid. Just like Problem Child. Brought to you by the same producer-director team behind Billy Madison, and made one year before The Confession (ANOTHER similarity!), it also follows many standard comedy formulas even though it's about weed. It's purportedly a cult classic. I think someone might have recommended it to me, can't remember. I do know it's got the same John Landis font that Animal House had, also a Universal picture. Apparently Chappelle was disappointed with the end result, calling it a "stoner comedy for kids." Guess Up In Smoke was already made or something. No one goes home happy.
So, not to give too much away, the plot is as follows. Dave Chappelle and his three friends like to smoke weed. Life is good until one day, one of his friends gets thrown in jail. That part is too good to reveal. They need to raise $100,000 bail, even though they set it at a million. But how are they going to raise a hundred thousand dollars? They got it: sell weed. But how? Then, the answer presents itself: the pharmaceutical company has their own source of weed to be tested on behalf of the FDA. Uh huh. Chappelle... I mean, Thurgood Jenkins, fortunately gets involved and the final piece of the puzzle is in place. The Doofer's still locked up, gives the trio on the outside his blessing (another good scene) and the grand scheme of schemes is bourne. Meanwhile, Chappelle... Thurgood meets the love of his life, a gal named Mary Jane who was visiting her father in prison. She's virulently anti-weed, isn't sorry her dad's locked up for selling weed, and scrumptious as hell. Oh, was I ever that young? And of course, the big drug dealer in the area gets wind of all this and puts the screws to Thurgood's operation. I swear, that dude could be D.L. Hughley's father.

Cameos and homages abound. If I remember correctly, there's even one for the shower scene in American History X, or is it just prison movies in general? Love that one blatant shower shot. Oh yeah. Breuer gets fired from his job at the record store, and with briefcase in hand, does the homage to Jerry Maguire. Guillermo Diaz at one point, does the homage to Dead Presidents... am I the only one who remembers? Jon Stewart has a bit as a weed buyer who's constantly amazed at how weed makes normal things interesting. I'm thinking, too late for an Oscar nomination? Why, even Snoop has a cameo and works over a roach like a 7th degree Black Belt... in weed smoking. Okay, YOU phrase that better!...

Well, I don't know what else can be said. An amicable way to spend 82 minutes all around. And a fine springboard for Dave Chappelle's talent: at one point there are two of him in the same shot: Thurgood and Sir Smoke-a-lot. And even though it's not a romantic comedy, for the life of me I can't think of a more romantic line than the film's last... about how, um... ladies trump weed, for lack of better terminology. And was that Jada Pinkett Smith as the talking joint? Let me check... nope, guess not.

*** for both
-so sayeth the Movie (Review) Hooligan.

The "I can die a happy man" Box Office

I don't know why that should be, but anyone who's read this blog will know why I'm happy this weekend. Last weekend. This last weekend. But before we get to that, we still gotta do #3 and #4. Number 4, chick flick, nothing new. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, and I probably am, but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it. It's part of this whole new generation of light, fluffy adaptations... The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, The Object of My Affection, Someone Like You... might as well throw Running With Scissors into the mix, what the hell. At #3 it's Righteous Kill. If this does well, we might have Grumpy Old Men: The Next Generation on our hands. And all of that that followed...
And of course at #2, it's Tyler Perry's latest. As most in Hollywood know, it doesn't really matter what the title is. Just that it's got Tyler's name on it, and six months from now there'll be another one. Tyler's a busy man! But I figure by the time he catches up to, and surpasses Bill Cosby in terms of riches, he'll get tired of working so damn hard and he'll rest on his laurels, living off the dividends of that Costco 20-DVD box set til the end of his days. You're right, it's just the jealousy talking.
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Finally! This is what it's all about right here. Am I the only one who knows it? With the No Country lawsuit behind them, James Schamus gives the Coens a big boost with viral web-vertising, wall-to-wall TV ads, and I'm assuming some trailer spots. They're back into Lebowski territory with their latest, Burn After Reading, baby! I swore I was going to post the review first, but what the hell. That's always the hard part for me. Especially a movie I like. I will admit I thought to myself, this can't be a hit. Several reasons which I won't go into here, but the star power has trumped all that for now. We've got some big contenders on the horizon, but you did it, boys! Ladykillers came close, Hudsucker not, I. Cru almost, but that's all behind you now. With a #1 under both your belts, J 'n E, maybe some good things will finally start happening in your careers!

Auteur Watch - Fred Jonathan R. Beutel

We'll get back to the other half of the greatest box office story in history, but first... You like scary stories, kids? Well, there's nothing scarier than a film director! They have to be a jack of all trades, a storyteller, a shaman, a technophile, a technophobe, a drill sargent, a mother, a father, and a shoulder to cry on firing a starter's pistol at your crew to make them walk a little faster, all in one little carbon-based human frame, ranging in weight from anywhere to Ida Lupino at 80 lbs., or ... Dom DeLuise directed once, right? Anyway, you get the idea. Now of course, everyone knows your Spielbergs and your Fred Ashmans, even the most isolationist farmers in Montana know all about them. And when your kids want to grow up and be a filmmaker, they sit there with their DV8 cameras uploading your most private memories to YouTube with dreams of Antoine Fuqua and Fred Ashman running through their heads. Ooh, someday I'm going to work for Jerry Bruckheimer! That's the American dream.
But, and this is a big but, American dreams often don't come true, except if you've got a defunkt bank these days. Then you're getting all kinds of government cheese, you rat!
As I was saying, American dreams often don't come true, and not all kids grow up to be Spielbergs or Friedkins or Zemecki or Fred Ashmans, no. Some grow up and start as screenwriters, hoping to get into directing. And inevitably, when a screenwriter's first starting out, they're hungry, and they write the best thing they'll ever write in their entire lives. And it gets made. Maybe even remade a whole generation later, 'cuz the CGI back then was kinda crappy. Which was part of its charm, because even good CGI today looks a little crappy and doesn't even have sufficient kitsch value by most standards, but I digress again. So your first project gets made, and it's a big hit, and you've finally got that brass ring, so you become a bit of a tyrant and you say, it is time. I've paid my dues and I'm ready to move into that big director's chair on the Chapman crane. Unfortunately, it's a hasty followup like My Science Project... Okay, so you wrote it while in High School so it needs a little tweaking, and you were really hoping to get Victor Mature to play the disgruntled teacher, but still, you've got the green light, the pressure's on, and you just gotta make do with what you got.
And so, it doesn't do as well as the studio hoped, but you still want to direct so you decide to do some TV. But you don't have the chops or the cojones of someone like Rod Daniel or Tony Bill or Joel Zwick, so you don't stay in TV forever and you do only two shows, CBS Playhouse and an animated show for kids based on the cute, cuddly antics of Freddy Krueger. But an opportunity comes up to cash in on the Jurassic Park craze, and like some desperate fool you jump at it.

Some like JONATHAN R. "Chet" BEUTEL!
I'm just saying it might work out that way, that's all. We all gots the Hoop Dreams, Coach!

Hello, Madea? You just got SERVED! heh heh...

Now now, bitter grapes. I mean, this is only the best box office weekend in history! And I'm just letting it all slip away, so time to get on the case. But I'm going to savor it this time. Break it into two installments. Now, normally when I do that I'll split the top 10 into 1-5 and 6-10, but since 1 thru 4 is all newbies, why not just do 5 to 10 for starters. At #5 it's Tropic Thunder, and if I were Judd Apatow I'd be furiously taking notes. "Note to self: TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!" No please, we want to see another Superbad clone or Seth Rogen naked again. The market's insatiable!
See, they worked together on Cable Guy and, ... ah, fu... skip it. At #6 we got... whadda we got? Oh yeah, The House Bunny. Now, normally with a film like this we'd be saying, oh, it's closing in on the 100 million dollar mark. This time, 50 million will just have to do. I guess people just don't want to contemplate their own mortality, in this case it has to do with a Playboy bunny getting kicked out of Hef's little Garden of Eden there in Beverly Hills, or wherever the Playboy mansion is. Say it isn't so, Hef!
Next, The Dark Knight at #7. Looks like it's not going to post Titanic numbers (600 million). Maybe if they make the next one even darker, if I can use that phrase in mixed company. Get Hershey's to sell dark chocolate bars in the shape of the new Batman shape as a tie-in.
At #8, Bangkok Dangerous. Or as they call it in the South, Baghdad Dangerous. Seriously, Nic, what were you thinking? Are you making up for not getting cast as Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK?
Traitor slips to #9 after holding at #5 for two weeks in a row. I don't know what to say except that it's another crushing defeat for the Soderbergh Rat Pack... I know! I'll get on it, I'll get on it, quit asking me what it means.
At #10, the reboot of Death Race. Would it have killed the budget to get the original Frankenstein? ... they DID? I'm getting a wire from the AP. It's as of yet unconfirmed. Oh, they probably Gump'd in some footage of him from the original. Give 'em hell, Kwai Chang!