In Memoriam: The One Week Hits of 2009

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting to do this. Well, there's two things I gotta do. First, I gotta appeal to my hardcore fan base and say... ALBERT PYUN! NAOMI WATTS!!! Okay, done and done. Second, I gotta make all my hard work pay off, and pay one last tribute to all those films that made 2009 a little more special than most years: specifically, all those films that made it into the Top 10 for one week, then slipped off the radar on their way to an increasingly uneager video store shelf. Sheesh. Fortunately, we're not at that stage yet where films will have to be sacrificed in order to save the planet and an increasingly obese human population eager for more salty, sugary, fatty treats than ever. Anyway, here's the list... aw, man! I gotta do the hyperlinks, too?

not easily broken, defiance, new in town, street fighter: the legend of chun-li, miss march, sunshine cleaning, dragonball evolution, my life in ruins, away we go,
a perfect getaway, ponyo, taking woodstock, extract, whiteout, pandorum, amelia, fantastic mr. fox, the road, everybody's fine

Oh, crap. And I gotta capitalize the damn thing. Oh, and I want to give a brief shout out to the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert film that debuted at #2, dropped to #9 the second week, the dropped to #11 and higher the third. A spectacular bottoming out, boys! Ooh, Taylor Swift's in it! Guess she didn't say Amen vigorously enough.

Not Easily Broken - And yet, Rick Warren's novel will make a billion dollars at the box office, huh?

Defiance - I guess people got confused and thought it was one of these two: 1980, 2002... or these three: 1932, 1952, 1917.

New In Town - Sorry you can't stay!

Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li - Yeah, the Legend of one week at the box office legend!

Miss March - Oh, Whitest Kids U Know, maybe you'll get a second chance, maybe not. You should be more like Broken Lizard, and less like Kids in the Hall on Crack. But look at it this way! Sex Drive didn't even make the Top 10! ...oh, wait. It did. No, I was thinking of College (2008).

Sunshine Cleaning - Got its clock cleaned at the box office!

Dragonball(:) Evolution - Man, even the anti-Darwinists gave this the cold shoulder.

My Life In Ruins - So where's the surprise?

Away We Go - And away it went!

A Perfect Getaway - This is way too easy!

Ponyo - Actually, that's supposed to be pretty good.

Taking Woodstock - Make no mistake about it, even one bomb like this will not stop Demetri Martin from making all of us his slaves, forced to stare at that haircut, thinking to ourselves, yes. He truly is the true Fifth Beatle. We lavish all our royalties upon you, Master... I mean, buy the soundtrack! No Stairway to Heaven!

Extract - Oh dear, was Office Space the biggest cult hit, leading to ever diminishing returns?

Whiteout - Well, we'll remember you here, Whiteout, even if no one else will!

Pandorum - Wait a minute... is this the prequel to Avatar?

Amelia - Oh... what an ironic way to honor her memory.

Fantastic Mr. Fox - not quite fantastic enough, I guess.

The Road - Not specific enough.

Everybody's Fine - You know, I think I see how it is. Robert DeNiro's just like anyone else: he wants to be able to sleep at night, and be proud of what he's done over the breadth and length of his long illustrious and intensely profitable career. I think the best example I've ever heard, partially because I'm a freak that picked up on that minute detail myself, but a rabid fan went up to John Flansburgh of the band They Might Be Giants and said, hey! On that Dial-A-Song Getaway, the lyric used to be "The fare collector's drinking lighter fluid and claimed she killed our parents" but on the latest album you changed "killed" to "told"... or rather, "Claimed she'll tell our parents." Why'd you do that? And Flansburgh's answer was, well, I think we've already got enough songs about kids' parents getting killed. Same thing with DeNiro. I mean, who wants to meet a fan who says, oh, Mr. DeNiro. I've been watching Taxi Driver over and over and over and over again for the last few months; specifically the part where you're holding your fist over that stove! Dude, that was intense, man. I mean, that was an old school New York City GAS STOVE blue flame, for God's sake! Not one of those pussy stoves with the red element we have today. Oh, by the way, could you do me a quick favor? Could you sign my suspicious looking suitcase for me? I have to leave it at the bus station in a locker... On the other hand, I guess in the biz we call showbiz, you don't want to end up going the other way to the extreme... say, like, Jon Turteltaub. I mean, sure, his stuff is forgettable tripe that goes in one eye and out the other, but he goes to work every day from 9 to 5 and tells everyone he meets: "You see that placard on my desk with my name and job title on it? That says I'm a film director. Film directoring is what I do. And I do it well. Damn well. I go to work at 9 a.m. every morning and I've got five hundred people asking me what to do, and I give them the guidance and the wide smile they need, and they go and do for me, and I punch out at 5 p.m. every night and go home to get ready for the next day. It's a good life. And once I put in my 30 years at the office, I get a handsome severance package, a full retirement, I get to cash out that 401K, and all my doctor's visits are on Uncle Sam's dime. So I would have to say, yes, I'm very happy to be a film director. And everyone else agrees with me." Um... should I tell him?

Believe the Hype: Avatar

Boy oh boy! Was it ever an epic movie night for me. I sat through TWO movies today: The Science of Sleep, and Avatar. Both are essentially relationship movies, but I dunno... The older I get, the more I want to be like Avatar. I guess Avatar is what one strives for, but it ends up looking more like, well, The Science of Sleep, for one. But I digress. As my good friend sometimes says, if a movie was walking down the street, and the hype about it were walking the other way, they wouldn't recognize each other. Gangs of New York came to mind. I mean, I don't think it's the WORST movie Scorsese ever made. But every once in a while a movie is a blockbuster that one might actually root for. I'll admit I was in the Lord of the Rings camp when the great LOTR-Harry Potter raged earlier this decade but it certainly looks like Potter's winning the marathon after all. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was entertained. A lot. This was my first 3-D experience, probably not my last, but I think the writing's on the wall already: this whole 3-D craze simply isn't immersive enough. No, those of you who might read this several centuries from now, take pity upon us mere mortal Neanderthals, who used to stare passively at a flat screen, who were never able to camp out for a wild night amongst the hungry creatures on Pandora... is it Pandora or Pandorum? I'm already confused.
So there's no question the special effects are top notch. I'll never be able to look at Final Fantasy the same way again. Actors are damn close to being replaced altogether, but look at it this way: no more wasted hours in the makeup chair, right? And the lighting is probably as good as it's going to get. Some of the forests in Revenge of the Sith, for one, were lit rather strangely; let's just leave it at that. No, the world of Pandora's pretty damn fleshed out. You know how you'll often hear that a place is one of the characters in the movie? Yeah! This is like that, but I guess it goes without saying, or somehow it doesn't seem strong enough.
That being said, the story... ah, who cares. There's already a sequel in the works. Yes, Cameron's ready to come out of semi-retirement and leave the documentary world alone for a while. Having found Jesus's final resting place, he's got his franchise that'll finally give him the creative freedom to do what he wants. What Michael Bay is to Transformers, Cameron is to Avatar and beyond. I was kinda disappointed that the old Lightstorm Entertainment logo of True Lies and Strange Days didn't come up, but apparently the company's gone altogether... okay, it's just a silent partner now. So, let's talk Spoilers. I hate to break it to my good friend, but the whole Dances with Wolves in space thing's already been claimed. But they also said the ending's a bit like Pinocchio, and I'll bet ol' Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head must be spinning in its box right now, in the hopes that future Disney underlings could sue for story infringement. As for me, well, I couldn't help but see this as a warmup for that movie that Cameron wanted to make about cliffdivers, what with all the flying and the diving. Normally, I'd wonder where the water comes from that can make a waterfall on a floating rock, but sometimes you leave those questions aside for when you watch the movie at home alone with all your jaded friends. And I guess I wasn't enjoying myself completely when they talked about how only a select few have ridden the giant red dragon. Could you even doubt that our hero was going to end up doing that? Although I did like the way he prefaced it by saying that sometimes you gotta make a big crazy gesture. Er, how many times have you been married, Mr. Cameron? Sorry, but I had to go there. Call it MY OWN big crazy gesture.
Apparently, Digital Domain, WETA and ILM all teamed up on this bad boy. And the big tree crashing down, well, I haven't seen something so spectacular since the big water tower falling down in Looney Tunes: Back In Action... actually, it kinda sucked, but oh well. They tried, they really tried.
I think I covered all the points... oh, right. I'm still kinduva sucker for True Lies, and there was that one part where our hero Sully was hanging off of that missile on the side of that warplane... just like the terrorist at the end of True Lies! But this time, Sully's NOT fired. And I know you have to save the arch bad guy for last, but puhleeze. That was quite a fall from the exploding plane, wasn't it? As for the latent charges of racism, well, most good entertainment is. Maybe I'm racially insensitive, but how many sci-fi films have you seen that have their own unique races to be racist about? Besides, the whole Chosen One thing's an easy plot structure to fall back on. I guess some are pointing to the big line at the end: "How does it feel to betray your own race?" In this case, it's really just a case of climbing the corporate ladder, really. Fingers are bound to get stepped on by the feet from above! But really, Sully's avatar gives the ideal answer to that question: a hiss.
And finally, will Cameron conquer the Oscars once again as he did 12 years ago? Well, people are a lot more jaded these days, but I'd say it has a better chance than Benjamin Button before it to really sweep up some hardware, especially in the SFX departments. As for Stephen Lang, well, 2003 was your big year, buddy, but I think the muscle mags will give you some mad props instead! It's a whole another you, buddy.

****
so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

MGM: Studio on the Decline -> Touch

Yes, I don't remember exactly when I had this realization. Maybe it's when they re-released Fame and it did poorly amongst critics, then the public. Maybe it's when I realized Warner Bros. bought the video rights to Gymkata. Maybe it's just an example of studio politics guiding business principles, where Disney's the honor student and MGM's the black sheep of the same family. And even though we just barely missed scraping against that iceberg known as Great Depression II lo those couple years ago now, not all got away unscathed. And perhaps you're thinking to yourself, well, MGM's still got Bond! James Bond! True enough. And even though you might not like Daniel Craig in the lead, the films are too expensive and need to be financed by a second studio, like Sony or... Fox! No, the only thing that'll be left in the MGM catalogue is the De Laurentiis collection. It's only a matter of time before Maximum Overdrive comes on the MGM HD channel. And I'm sure it'll look great... even though that blonde kid kinda creeps me out. And the cool girl; I think this is her. Doesn't quite fit the mold for me. But you gotta like Lisa Simpson in it, doing a Southern accent.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Which brings me in a roundabout way to Touch, recently seen on MGM HD. I guess it was crisp enough. Somehow film isn't done justice in HD, especially a film from the 90s and earlier. But at least they don't streak whenever the camera moves from light source to light source like crappy digital video. Anyway, in the wake of Get Shorty, it seemed that Elmore Leonard could FINALLY be adapted, and the Coens worked on a treatment for his Cuba Libre, for example. Yes, he was no longer confined to the neo-noir ghetto of the likes of Donald Westlake and others... Charles Willeford? He was one hot commodity now, and Touch would be the perfect vehicle for his talent.
Or so it was thought. I dunno. Something about it. It needed more action or something. It was too immaculate, too laid back. It's about this guy with a very powerful gift, and those first hit by the blast wave that would eventually reach a national television audience. Skeet Ulrich plays the guy with the gift, and everyone else pretty much plays someone who would exploit that gift. Who will it be? Will it be the slick huckster preacher Bill Hill played by a Christopher Walken impersonator? Oh, wait, it's actually Christopher Walken. Or will it be his pretty former assistant played by ... UNDERplayed by Bridget Fonda? Get that girl a mike! Or will it be the obnoxious Tom Arnold? Seriously, though, he did pretty good. I guess you could say the character was perfect for his '90s persona; then again, one doesn't usually equate Tom Arnold with religious orthodoxy. Does Skeet Ulrich himself long for a life of fame and riches? Will his gift disappear once he achieves either? Who's exploiting who here? Or could it be that God's exploiting all of us, and frankly being a bit of a showoff by giving one man Christ-ish powers? I kinda like that last answer, since I thought of it myself.
There are various colorful cameos, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Christopher Walken and Anthony Zerbe are reunited after appearing 14 years earlier in The Dead Zone. Lolita Davidovich takes a break from working with hubby Ron Shelton to make an appearance as a former Catholic turned stripper. She and Christopher Walken give Tom Arnold a theological run for his money. I will say that the music was pretty good. I would give a shout-out to Conchata Ferrell, but really, everyone knows Mr. Deeds is the performance she'll be remembered for.
I think that was about it for Touch. To refresh people about my star system: 4 stars is for a movie that I will surely watch more than once a year, 3 and a half for a movie that's not quite a classic, but at least has some worthy action scenes. A 3 star movie is a movie like Just Cause or The Client: a slick Hollywood vehicle that will be shown forever and really only needs to be seen once. Two and a half and lower, well, now we're getting into walkout territory. And I should report that I and my viewing companions, while watching Touch, tried to take a vote to abort and watch something else, but we figured it's like a vaccination: might as well get it over with so from now on, if anyone should perchance ask, we can say, why yes! I saw Touch once.

Visual motif: major scenes are begun showing a character's shoes... usually Walken's nice shoes

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Asia Argento

Man, this chick's messed up. And I don't say that lightly. She almost makes Jennifer Chambers Lynch look normal. They should remake Thelma & Louise together... call it Boxing Thelma & Louise, heh heh. Sorry, had to go for it. Of course, JCL's a grandma compared to our girl Asia! Why, AA's a citizen of the world, chillin' with Catherine Breillat, hangin' with her boyfriend in Hong Kong, what have you. Now I know what you're thinking: if there were a comparable dude you wouldn't be so hard on them! Not necessarily true. Harmony Korine and Jody Hill come to mind. Get a room, guys!
I hesitate to use my patented Decade Theory on Ms. Argento, as it doesn't seem to apply. Surely she has a fondness for the 80s and 90s, if only because of the filter of youth. I fear that decades to come won't be as iconic as the late 60s, 70s, and early 80s were, but hey. Sometimes you gotta clast your own icons. Asia's cultivating a party girl persona, but trust me. Any party person eventually comes around, and they end up doing family comedies for Disney in the end... close enough.

We Need 31 baby models to wear UGG Boots

Boy, the spam emails are sure getting weirder and weirder. Well, the Avatar juggernaut grinds on at #1 for the 4th week in a row. It'll be a happy Valentine's Day at the Cameron household, but even he knows better than to re-release Strange Days. As for the rest, well, it's an anemic crop of debuts this week. At #4, Daybreakers, the latest not-as-sexy-as-Twilight vampires to grace the silver screen. Well, Ethan, you're still the poor man's Tom Cruise to me! At #6, a rom-com called Leap Year. That Amy Adams can sell anything, but she's overexposed now. Take a couple years off. Backpack through Europe, girlfriend. At #9, Youth in Revolt. That's the problem! They're revolting, and not going to see the movies. Damn cynical youth. I'm so outta here.

Auteur Watch - Allison Anders

Damn. Falling behind already. So much for New Year's resolutions! On to the auteurs of 2010. How's the other half of A Band Apart that no one talks about doing lately? To be even more brief, which do you suppose is Ms. Anders' favorite decade? And will she and Nancy Savoca ever resolve their bitter blood feud over who's got more indie film cred? If I had to guess, I'd say she enjoyed the go-go 90s with such films as Gas Food Lodging... ooh! Good title. And of course, Grace of my Heart which could've been more cynical like Pirate Radio and used a flimsy excuse to cash in on a top-heavy soundtrack laden with all the greatest hits from the greatest period in recorded music history, but she chose not to, and wisely. But if directors have taught me anything, it's that the current decade is always the favorite, even if you've only gotten work in TV on shows such as Cold Case and Men In Trees. But the 2010s look to be more fruitful in terms of that ol' silver screen that all aspire to! Something called Smile Now Cry Later... pretty good title; must be a coming of age story about how she got picked on all the time. (after visiting site) Close enough.

No debuts this week!!

Sorry, gotta keep it short again this week, but why not? No debuts at the box office this week! What, Transylmania not doing well in regional markets, like, the directors' home town? Well, 1 to 4 stayed the same, but after that it's complicated... see how I did that? Lemme tell ya something: The Blind Side is the little movie that could! It rises from 6th to 5th, clinging to the box office for the 7th week in a row. It's the movie that Precious shoulda been, but just wait til the Golden Globes and the Oscars, baby. Up in the Air switches places with Blind Side, slipping to #6. Princess / Frog and Invictus stay constant, while Nine and Morgans trade places. Nine is finally where it belongs! At #9. As for Did You Hear about the Morgans, well, it's headed to a place even more hidden than the Witness Protection Program: your local video shelf, and then to the pawn shop where it will languish forever in the locked Blu-Ray case, doomed to be passed over for more interesting fare like Zohan and that direct-to-video Fantastic 4 sequel... sorry, I made that one up. But who would be in that cast? Probably James Belushi as The Thing and Alyssa Milano taking the Jessica Alba role. I gotta go.

Short Reviews - December 2009

Well, while Larry Flynt's busy producing "Tiger's Nailin' Paylin", it's the end of the year and it's time to do some reflecting. Apparently, it's the end of a decade as well. We didn't learn from the last decade, either. No, the sheer excitement of the numbers flipping was too much. Surely Jesus would come back for that! I coulda sworn 2011 would be the start of the new decade, but it must just be me. Seriously, though, what do I watch: Nine or Broken Embraces? I need my Penelope Cruz fix, but I can only pick one! Meanwhile, The Flight of the Conchords has ended its run of two seasons. And yet, no one's bitter about that. A sign of the ennui of the times. Everyone involved is all too eager to move on to more lucrative projects, like Rhinestone Cowboy or whatever the hell that was called... Gentlemen Broncos, that's it. Anyway, on to the movies... but really, what's the point? Someday we're all going to ... ah, who cares.

Everybody's Fine - No, they're not.

Everybody Wins - No, they don't.

Everybody Says I'm Fine! - Must be a David Sedaris thing.

Everybody Wants to be Italian - Must be a Nick Turturro thing.

Everybody Loves Sunshine - Prequel to Little Miss Sunshine?

Everybody Hates Chris - Everybody wants attention, too, no matter how they get it.

Everybody Loves Raymond - Yeah, that Zach Braff's pretty good, no question about it.

Everybody Loves Hypnotoad - Damn! They stole my idea before I thought of it!

Everybody Sing - Nah.

Everybody's Fine - About Schmidt ring a bell?

Everybody Wants to Help Ernest - Oh, I thought it was Ernest P. Worrell. Not as fun.

Nothing Like the Holidays - Well, that's true, even though the movie might not do it justice.

Christmas with the Kranks - Didn't Dan Aykroyd used to be a comedian?

Deck the Halls - Why didn't they just go all the way and have the flying sleigh in front of the full moon?

What was that Christmas movie with James Gandolfini in a beard? Romance and Cigarettes? No, that wasn't it...

Surviving Christmas - Ah, yes! That was it.

Saw VII - Directed by David Hackl. How perfect is that? The only one more perfect would be Eric Red.

Fracture - The Amory Lovins Story?

Full Metal Jacket - Face it, ladies. You have Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias, we have Full Metal Jacket.

It's Complicated - That's okay, Americans these days don't know what that means... but they probably know where it comes from!

The Marriage of a Young Stockbroker - Didn't quite re-capture that Graduate magic, didja, Turman?

Up in the Air - When are Anna Kendrick and Adam Scott going to make a movie together? Wouldn't they be the new original Power couple?

Knockout (2011) - Remake of Girlfight?

Hider in the House - It's a documentary about Gary Busey, right?

"I'm With Busey" - http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0369121/ - The American people have apparently had enough

The Princess and the Frog - Don't call it urban!!

Dragonard / Master of Dragonard Hill - Were these both filmed at the same time? If this ever comes out on DVD, they'll have Patrick Warburton on the cover. Maybe Herbert Lom. Also starring Dennis Folbigge as Governer... WARBURTON? Coincidence, right?

Ice Castles - Meh.

The Ice Pirates - How did this end up in my DVD collection? Good Lord.

Vampire Circus - Cirque du Freak?

The Next Best Thing - So, the hidden message of this movie is: Madonna is our secret weapon in the war against gay men!

The Wild Bunch(2010) - Wow.... somebody's been smoking some genetically modified WEED!

Extraordinary Measures - Not extraordinary enough.

Collapse - Oh, shit.

It's Complicated - Wait! I finally figured it out... Meryl represents SNL, because Steve and Alec have this running feud going to see who'll host the most times. PLUS, they're both hosting the Oscars in a few months... but you blew it, guys! Totally blew it. You SHOULD'VE released this the weekend of the Oscars, hosted SNL together the night before, THEN do the Oscars! Either take the Red Eye, or get Tina Fey to pull a few strings and have them present the Oscars at Carnegie Hall or something. Just throwing that out there.

I never did finish hyperlinking this post... should I bother?

Auteur Watch - Claude Zidi

Well, I personally can't think of a more perfect way to end this year of auteurs than with one of the men responsible for James Cameron's 1994 effort, True Lies. Hard to say which decade is his favorite; they do all tend to meld together in France. Moving up quickly through the ranks after being a camera operator, his greatest gift was in his ability as a writer / director... of his OWN material, of course! No, again, the best way to look at it, at least, from our limited American perspective, is in terms of the pre-Cameron period and the post-Cameron period. Surely the post-Cameron period was more enjoyable, moving up to big budget fare like 1999's Asterix et Obelix? But he's the kind of guy to start franchises, not finish them... unless they're his own, like Ripoux 3. Yes, even if it takes you 20 years, some stories are worth telling, to the bitter end.

No lump of coal for Hollywood!

Oh, another big holiday weekend. Pretty damn big. I got into the wrong biz. Avatar outdoes itself by a tiny percentile from last week, and we've got four debuts: Sherlock Holmes, It's Complicated and Nine. But the biggest story of them all has got to be that Chipmunks sequel, or... squeak-quel, rather. (clutches stomach, turns white) Once again, another blockbuster slips in underneath my radar. That's what I get for not watching Nickelodeon or having a twitter account. No, everybody gets what they want: Guy Ritchie gets to keep his street cred even though he's totally gone Hollywood, James Cameron's king of the world again: this time, of his own new world. Then again, big screen comedy's been taking a hit lately. Even though all the critics hate Old Dogs, SOMEONE's going to see it! And that Morgans film too. Did You hear about the Morgans? I heard that Matthew Broderick bowed out and Hugh Grant stepped in. Probably just an ugly rumour, though.

Auteur Watch - Robert Zemeckis

Well! As the pop-up window informs me, this will be the fourth Robert I've profiled this year on Auteur Watch: Robert B. Weide, Robert Rodriguez and Robert Young being the previous ones. And rather than use my decade theory on poor ol' Bob Zemeckis, I'm going to ask the question: does he prefer the pre-Spielberg phase of his career, or the post-Spielberg phase? Sure, the post-Spielberg phase got off to a rocky start with Death Becomes Her, but Bob's a quick study, and Forrest Gump was his next offering. It's too politically charged to talk about, so I'll move on to Contact, and move even more quickly on to What Lies Beneath and Cast Away. Yeah, 2000 was quite the busy year for ol' Bo-Zem, and probably the time building up to it as well! Yes, he apparently was serious when he vowed never to do that again, and he's since shaken off this mortal coil, alienated himself from the ASC forever, plunging headlong into the wild weird world of MoCap. I meant to point out that A Christmas Carol is currently in its seventh week in the Top 10, giving it the longest staying power of the ten on the list. Now, some of you naysayers out there might question the wisdom of having Scrooge shrink smaller and smaller as he goes sliding along through the snow. Well, let me just ask you this: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH GODDAMN FILM SNOBS? Sorry to yell like that, but what is it with you people? Isn't it enough to get out of the house for a couple hours, stuff your face with greasy, greasy popcorn and get some damn entertainment out of that giant silver screen? What more do you WANT?
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, the IMDb's being coy, and we don't know what picture ol' BoZem's going to direct next, but he's got quite the full producorial plate full... is that the right spelling? Apparently, Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 is in the mix. It certainly hasn't been improved upon in the twenty-something years since its release, but so far I seem to be the only one I know who likes that movie, outside of my inner circle of friends. But I'm sure some Hollywood marketing genius will make it a must-see event when the time comes. I mean, it's no Saw 7, but ...

Blue Movie Blue

Why does this color scheme not surprise me? He was clearly ahead of his time, before the Coens made the yellow 'filter' popular with O Brother Where Art Thou?, Cameron was stuck on the blue color scheme. Must be something about dealing with water so much. In case you had to guess, it's True Lies on the left, Terminator 2 on the right, and Avatar in the middle. He's also moved on from titles beginning with 'T', which can never hurt. Anyway, the feel good movie of the year has arrived, and Avatar is #1 at the box office this week as well. Just busting your chops, Cameron. You did good, buddy. And I see you got your crew to vote for it on the IMDb as well! #25 already! Not bad, not bad. But no one messes with the Shawshank. Not even The Godfather. Shawshank is #1, always has been, always will be.
Meanwhile, the other two debuts this week are Did You Hear about the Morgans?... and Up In The Air. Not to be confused with The Air Up There, but that may be the closest link in the Kevin Bacon game to link Clooney to him... I'll give you a hint! Brad Pitt... Think I'll leave it at that.

Auteur Watch - Robert Young (III)

So, which decade is Mr. Young's favourite? Surely the go-go 70s, an era of big hair and bigger drugs, where folk gave way to disco, and a certain Mr. Young started off slow, but made important connections, especially on Romance with a Double Bass where he first linked up with Monty Python. It never hurts, except maybe later on. Or was it the go-go 80s, when it wasn't a shame to do TV work... in Britain? Plenty of TV work to be had, but there was one cinematic release: the multi-director'd The Ninja Squad. Will there be a 2010s remake as with The Monster Squad? You'd think so, but Fred Dekker's not behind the Ninja Squad, so it ain't a-happenin'. Just remember, kids: the Wolfman's got nads.
Or perhaps it was the go-go 90s, when the 70s enjoyed a brief resurgence, as did the 40s with the neo-Swing craze. The Stray Cats were back in vogue, and the silver screen seemed to be arrayed against Mr. Young, but there was always plenty of TV work to be had, like HBO's Doomsday Gun. Not bad; Day of the Jackal it's not, but... oh, plus that right-wing douchebag Chetwynd had something to do with it. Go back to your day job: attacking Stanley Kramer and traveling the country showing The Hanoi Hilton on eager college campuses, whose numbers are ever dwindling.
As for Mr. Young, it was time to cash in those Python chips on Splitting Heirs and the disastrous Fish Called Wanda sequel. Well, at least on one of 'em you were trusted as the sole director, right? Right?
Or perhaps the go-go 2000s were Mr. Young's favorite, despite George W. Bush in the White House? His career was slowing down a bit, but he was able to choose his projects a little more carefully, like the Young Indiana Jones thingie. Always a surefire fun shoot. And co-directing with Mr. Creosote? Nice. I used to walk past all those Young Indiana Jones thingies in my old video store, but I never thought to actually rent one. You'd think the next one with Harrison Ford wouldn't suck, I mean what with Terry Brooks writing all those damn novelizations and everything...
Well, if Albert Pyun taught me anything... and, believe me, he's taught me EVERYTHING I know, the current decade is a director's favorite. And look! 2010's Wide Blue Yonder is looking to sweep the Sundance Awards. Apparently it's a black comedy with Brian Cox and Lauren Bacall... Okay, so they're no Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, but they were movie stars at one point, right? RIGHT???!!!!!!

The Princess and the Frog

Awright! Time to put some damn EFFORT into this mother! I went ahead and went through my boxes of DVDs to find... well, I don't want to give too much away, but I gotta keep it short this week because of the holiday preparations and all. It's almost winter solstice already! So let's just look at the newbies. We've got the new Disney pic The Princess and the Frog. Very cool. And this is definitely a step up for Keith David as compared to, say, DELTA FARCE! WTF, dude? For some reason I keep confusing him with David Keith. Must be the name. And this also represents a return to form for 2-D Disney pics, as opposed to, say, Home on the Range. What a difference five years makes, huh, guys?
The other debut this week is Invictus. Only at #3? Boy, this is really gonna slow Clint down now. Not good. But the people seem to be in the mood for sports biopics, but with a little oomph. I don't know what the oomph of The Blind Side would be. Sandra Bullock? Crazy. Crazy times. The game that gets played occasionally is what other year this is like. So I guess 2009 is now like 1994: Disney's got a #1 animated movie, and Sandra Bullock's a top box office draw. Go figure. The future keeps looking back to the 70s and likes it better, if only for the fashion.
And I should probably mention that we've got a new entry into the one-weeker club! Everybody's Fine! But there's gonna be a few long faces round the DeNiro dining room table for a while, I guarantee ya.

Auteur Watch - David Yates

Many cameras have actually eaten directors, and David Yates is clearly no exception. According to the IMDb, there are about eight David Yates, but there can be only one director of multiple Harry Potter films. Take that, Walk Off the Pounds with Lorraine Kelly guy!
Anyway, now that I think about it, perhaps the decade paradigm is wrong for all directors. In this guy's case, clearly there is the post-Harry Potter phase, with fame and glory and riches, and there's the pre-Harry Potter phase with great titles like Oranges and Lemons and The Tichborne Claimant. Depending on who he talks to, Yates could go either way: the pre-Potter was good, because he was young, dumb and... eager to learn about the industry that would soon propel him to superstardom. And, of course, being associated with a series like Harry Potter has its good points, too... but for the life of me I can't think of one right now. After the final Potter film is in the can, is it on to that personal indie drama about the train wreck in a coal mine in Devonshire? Fingers crossed!

Yeah, that'll happen!

Oh, Yahoo! News. So young, so wide-eyed, so naïve about how things work in the real world. Why, movies that debut at #1 fall to #2 all the time! Yes, even flashes in the pan like Twilight. But The Blind Side rising to #1? That I can't explain. This kinda thing used to happen all the time in the summer, and between movies like True Lies and Forrest Gump. The Lovely Bones doesn't stand a chance, I tells ya.
Anyway, we got some debuts this week. Debuting at #10 (is that a good thing? Is THAT worth reporting, Yahoo! News?) is DeNiro's latest effort, Everybody's Fine. Even the most light-hearted critic at the most local local radio station in the country is wondering why they're calling this film "the feel good hit of the winter." Which in-law of DeNiro's needs a kidney this time? Even so, I don't think The Road's going to make a comeback in a couple days, but we shall see. At #6 is Armored which has gotten panned someplace, and I mean really panned on a personal level. The-actors-don't-look-like-they're-in-the-same-room kind of panned. This is the kind of thing John Singleton now does in his sleep, but at least it hits #1. I'm surprised that Up in the Air didn't appear on the charts this week. Was it being released this week or what? Anyway, the other debut is Brothers, Jim Sheridan's latest. Now you're getting it, Jim! Make films with actors in it that people might actually want to buy tickets to see! Personally, I'm surprised about Natalie Portman, but Tobey and Jake, sure, I guess they still got it.
Anyway, back to Twilight. Oh, you can't buy this kind of publicity. There's talk of the last movies of the series already. The third one's already in the can, apparently, but the ungrateful producers want to bring back Weitz to do the last one... or two! They're going to rip off Harry Potter and split the last book into two movies. It'll play better if they actually beat Potter to the punch. Think of it! Harry Potter started its run duking it out with Lord of the Rings, and it will end its run duking it out with Twilight. Some beloved series just can't catch a break. But yeah. Who would you rather have directing your movie? The guy who did American Pie 1, or THIS guy? Eggs-zactly.

Short Reviews - November 2009

Well, like most of you out there, I'm still in the throes of Tiger Woods fever. Boy, it's much more infective... is that a word? Contagious! TWF is by far more contagious than bird flu, hanta virus and H1N1 combined! But now that I got a little distance on it and I can see some of the forest, here's what I'm thinking. Remember a while ago when Dumbass was still president, and the "statistical value" of a life dropped to 6.9 million? Well, here's what I'm thinking. If Tiger's worth a billion dollars, a billion divided by 6.9 million is 144.92 something. We'll round it up to 145. Therefore, Tiger should be allowed to sleep with 144 other women before all you peons get to pass judgment. I mean, let's not forget! Isn't he, like, the best thing to happen to golf ever? Certainly better than Seve Ballesteros or Bruce Crampton or Gary Player. On to the movies, damn it...

Jessica Simpson: Reality Tour Live - Poor director Bill Fishman. He's gone from making a comedy about Video Aces, to BEING Video Aces!!

The Accidental Husband - Tourist ring a bell?

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - I don't get it. This should be a direct-to-video sequel, or a new video game. Wonder if Nic got 20 million for this one?

Babylon A.D. - Maybe I'm crazy, but from what little I saw on cable... you know, it wasn't that bad! They got REAL TIGERS, for God's sake!

Pirate Radio - You can buy the 12 CD box set after the show, folks...

Bio-Dome - It is a wacky comedy, and it deserves its place in the permanent rotation of HBO, Cinemax, whatever... still, there's something depressing about a movie where Pauly Shore is the smartest guy in it.

Twilight's Last Gleaming(2005) - Nope. There's two books left.

Planet 51 - Finally! A comedy where people are the aliens. Sorry, (Battle for) Terra.

When In Rome... - Oh, Kristen Bell. You just don't get it, do you? This is the kind of movie that Sarah Marshall was making fun of, damn it! Don't be the next Brittany Murphy!

The Damned United - Well, it's no The Big Green, but I am a sucker for a Nick Hornby soccer comedy

Invictus - Well, it's no The Big Green, but ...

Inception - Damn! I knew I shoulda studied harder during Latin class.

Hereafter - Is Peter Morgan the new... Roland Bass? David E. Kelley? Richard Curtis? No, wait, Curtis is still getting work.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008) - Yeah, and the movie did too! You know you're in trouble when Keanu Reeves is the most intersting actor in the damn thing.

BASEketball - I may have said this before, but it bears repeating. Now, you might watch this and think to yourself, boy! For a comedy involving those South Park guys, it was an unfunny piece of crap! Well, to you I say what their agents once told me: that EVERYTHING THE SOUTH PARK BOYS DO IS FUNNY. BASEKETBALL IS FUNNY. CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL IS FUNNY. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE IS PEE-YOUR-PANTS FUNNY. EVERY EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR. NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL. YOU ARE A MERE ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD WHAT IS FUNNY AND WHAT ISN'T. IF AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, AND YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS. SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY, ALWAYS WAS FUNNY, ALWAYS WILL BE FUNNY. UNDERSTAND? GOOD.

Run (2010) - McTiernan's directing again! But for me, there's only one Run: 1989's Run with Patrick Dempsey! Get on the bumper! Get on the bumper!!!

Did you hear about the Morgans? - No, but judging from that pedigree, I bet Sandra Bullock feels betrayed that she's not involved!

Brothers - For some reason, it makes me think of the film Kevin Bacon's trying to make in The Big Picture, after the studio changes it so it's all young people.

Braveheart - Watching it now, I put aside my prejudices, but still... boy, does Mel look too old for that part. Too old for Catherine, at the very least.

Clerks 2 - Welp, it took me two years, but I finally finished it. I WANT MY RENTAL MONEY BACK!!

Auteur Watch - Jin Xie

Or is it Xie Jin? I never know which. I'm hoping the former, because I don't know of any other auteurs whose last name begins with X. Francis X. Bushman? There's one cinematographer who worked with Woody Allen named Fei Zhao, but Woody credits him as Zhao Fei. I guess he wanted to work with a cameraman who couldn't question the "comedy."
But anyway, back to Xie. I won't do him as much justice as, say, Wikipedia, but I'll take their word for it. He was an important Chinese filmmaker, best known for something called Hibiscus Highway or something. Oh sure, they probably won't show his films in high school or middle school, but he seemed like a decent enough guy, kinda like Jiri Menzel or... someone else. But he seems to have taken his career full circle of sorts, starting with 1957's Woman Basketball Player No. 5. Hey, remember, buddy! This is film we're talking about, not a photo gallery in a coffee shop! So he started with that, and ended with 2001's Woman Soccer Player #9. Quite a different world between those two, or is that indifferent? We seem to be living in a much more indifferent age now. But at the time he seemed to be a little more long-haired and anti-establishment, but give 'em a big house in the country and a fat bank account and they all calm down... or clam up? Something like that.
And so he passed away at 84 years young, moving on to wait in line at the big DGA office in the sky. But film directors, like some lucky celebrities, are able to cheat death a little bit sometimes, and the impending release of One 2008th will give him one last chance to strut his stuff, and it will probably affect the critics' take on the film, of course. They'll either think his part of the film was the best, or the worst, but certainly worth commenting on. The dead direct! The dead direct!! I better go, man. Getting depressed...

Old Dogs go to Heaven

He's a zit! Get it? I don't care what anyone thinks, I STILL say there's a connection. Of course, Wired's already been made, but it's a magazine now, and it seems that everything's being updated for this generation anyhow, so why not make it again. Of course, will Pattinson do like Harry Potter himself and also play Equus on Broadway? Might get a different crowd, though. Oops! Gone too far that time, which means it's time to dissect this frog known as the Top 10 Box Office - American. Sorry, I don't care about the UK market yet. Though it is also important.
Anyway, in a last minute recount, Goats is knocked off by The Road at #10. I guess this means it has indie cred. Looks okay, but I still would've like to have seen what Cronenberg would've done with it. He's got top-secret irons in the fire, so they'll just have to wait. He's hardly a spring chicken anymore! But maybe Viggo'll get the gold this time. Charlize, don't go through with Atlas Shrugged! Be human!
At #9 it's Fantastic Mr. Fox, Clooney's other animal-related 2009 entry. We got Up in the Air coming up next, which completes his 2009 trilogy. I think I asked this already, but it bears repeating, and maybe USA Today can do more with it than I have: is Clooney's 2009 going to be better than his 2005? Will his feud with Soderbergh end amicably? Is Heslov as dynamic a filmmaker? I think I know the answer to that one: what, Faisil from True Lies? That's a joke, right?
Coming in at #8 it's... let me check the window here... Precious. Right. I guess Push was already taken, huh? They're running the happy commercials now, where Precious takes the runway in a Donna Karan. Why, even Wayne Dyer would like that. At #7, it's Planet 51. I'm curious about this one: what does a bad Pixar movie look like? Is the animation still top notch, or does it look like streaky digital video, like that Over the Hedge thing?
And now I don't care. #6 brings us Ninja Assassin, from the Matrix boys acting as producers. Do interviews, guys!
---
And finally, the top 5. A Christmas Carol makes back its catering budget with $105 million in the bank. At #4, Old Dogs, from the director of Wild Hogs. To complete his Disney comedy trilogy, director Walt Becker's 2011 pic will be about drunken lumberjacks. It's either going to be called "The Wacky Drunk Lumberjacks Take On the Pacific Northwest" or something else... two words, 2nd word rhymes with dogs and hogs... hmm. I had it here a second ago.
Walt Becker. Proof that nice guys have been finishing last as directors lately. Number 3 is 2012. Well, is there any other discipline that Roland Emmerich can ruin? He's already tackled the new Egyptology, 1776, global warming and now the Mayan calendar. But even HE doesn't want to touch the wrapping up of the Universal Soldier trilogy. No, Peter Hyams' kid'll do that. It's not that Jean-Claude didn't want to work with Peter again, but... he REALLY didn't want to work with him again. But his kid will! What, no one else in Hollywood will?
As for John Cusack, well, is he still dating Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos)? ... and my computer's slowed down. Better save this before I lose it. Boy! His trivia section needs to be updated. But he's got a thing for his costars. He should work with Heather Graham one of these days... don't tell me SHE got married yet!
One more quip about 2012. Cusack's character is named Jackson Curtis... but I bet you anything it's shortened to Jack. As in The Day After Tomorrow, the alpha male's named Jack (Dennis Quaid) and his best buddy's named Frank... ah, yes. Jay O. Sanders in real life is an alpha-male, but it's only a true alpha male that can play the beta male. I loved him in all those things I saw him in, but was paying attention to someone else. 2012 departs from the rigid formula! There's no Frank character! No wonder it's already at #3.
The Blind Side is at #2. Boy, that's gratitude for you. It's already made 100 million, and yet Precious must crawl through the muck and mud to make 10 million. Where's the gratitude, America? Have you fallen back in love with Sandra Bullock that hard? Hmm! Must be! Well, this one's the Oscar movie, but who knows? Maybe The Proposal will get some noms. Fingers crossed for Betty White. If this isn't her year, it never will be. People must still be pissed about Lake Placid or something.
And finally, at #1, for the second week in a row, it's the movie that even Peter Greenaway has a thing for. Twilight: Naked Hairless Guys with their Shirts Off. Who doesn't like that? Which is why I have another bone to pick with the American public. Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive? Does People magazine even read People Magazine? Depp's next film is Alice in Wonderland. Is he sexy in that? Is he as sexy as, say, Taylor Lautner? Answer me that, girls! Exactly. And better yet, he's already made his mark among scientists! They're going to name a new tree after him: Laurus taylori. Or maybe it's Laurus lautneri, I don't know... WHAT?

Hey! I Saw That... Blue State, that is

Not bad for a road trip movie that apparently was filmed just in San Francisco and Winnipeg. And not bad for the budget. In cases like these, I confess I can be a bit of a budget fetishist, but let's face it: $950,000 just doesn't go as far as it did, say, about twenty years ago. And the fact that it was filmed in 16mm is even more admirable, indeed. At least it didn't look like streaky crappy digital video. I'm reminded of Grand Theft Parsons all of a sudden. How much was the budget on that? ...oh, they'll never tell! Anyway, the plot is based on the urban legend, most often attributed to Alec Baldwin. A dude (Breckin Meyer) declares that he'll move to Canada if Dubya wins the 2004 election. Ah, a period piece. And what a lousy period. Of course, when Meyer uttered the famous phrase I got the feeling his heart wasn't in it. Maybe he's like me, and still depressed over how that election turned out. Anyway, the story was a bit thin, so veteran Anna Paquin comes along for the ride. She's cooler than he, but she's got her own issues, too. Meyer did plan ahead, though, and he has a destination in Canada. Kinduva cross between The Sure Thing and Be Your Age, more like the latter. I wouldn't dream of spoiling the plot any further, if only out of respect.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Edgar Wright

Oh, good thing I picked him, because he's got a short résumé, and I gotta get back to my homework. Surely the 2000s are his favourite decade? What with Shaun of the Dead getting into the IMDb Top 250 and all. Hot Fuzz, not so much. Well, maybe it was bigger across the pond, who knows. But he's worming his way into bigger camps: first, the Tarantino camp with a fake trailer for Grindhouse, and the Spielberg camp, being a scribe on one of those damn Tintin movies we keep hearing so much, yet seeing so little, about! He's got four films in the fire... I smell career burnout! But he's getting the band back together to complete the Frost / Pegg / Wright trilogy: something called The World's End. See, because between 2012, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, The Road, The Day After Tomorrow, and An Inconvenient Truth, there just aren't that many movies about the end of the world! Who will fill the gap?

American ly... as in lycanthropy

I think I'm on to something here, but I need to find my copy of Animal House for better proof. Somehow it slipped out of my three boxes of DVDs.
Anyway, I know I shouldn't be, but I'm kinda glad Paranormal Activity finally left the Top 10 this week. Maybe because of the implications of the various movie makers' unions involved, or in the case of that film, NOT involved. It's just a bedroom and a camera for 90 minutes! No, a far better gimmick this week is that damn Twilight sequel that finally came out. Shame on the 2012 people. They spent anywhere from 200 to 260 million dollars, and look where it got 'em! Twilight cost 50 million, and it's already posting Dark Knight-esque numbers! And at 130 minutes, it's epic-esque. Now, there are some naysayers out there who use this as yet another lightning rod for the downfall of American culture. They say, look at where this country's headed, when Twilight's #1 and Sarah Palin's book... well, Sarah Palin has a book. Incidentally, I think on the Curb Your Enthusiasm finale, Elaine missed a bet by not dressing up as Sarah, but that's just the jealousy talking, of course. Then, some joker left a review of Twilight on my beloved IMDb saying, "What kind of a message does this send to young girls?" They go on to say that the message is for girls to stand by and fawn while a guy fixes his motorcycle. First of all, that's just dishonest and has no credibility as far as I'm concerned. They can do that and watch Twilight at the same time! And second, girls know quality when they see it. Sure, they're probably not going to stand by fawning if you're a chess club nerd playing against another chess club nerd. If a vampire dude saves your life from getting crushed by a minivan, you stand by that man! Incidentally, how can he go out in the daytime? I thought vampires couldn't do that. No, he's probably a hot young industrialist vampire who's discovered the fountain of youth AND how to walk around in the daytime. The message is: tweak the legends just enough to get away with it. And don't just write one book! Write four! Make a series out of it! Apparently, there's twelve Cirque du Freak books, but we saw how that went. Guess they'll just get one movie out of that series.
What else? Two other debuts this week. First, The Blind Side. Sandra's Oscar movie this year. She made you laugh twice, now it's time to cry. Then, Planet 51. I dunno. I grow weary of all these Pixar clones, and even the Pixar movies. But that's me. I'm just a jaded sophisticate. Gotta run!

Auteur Watch - Robert B. Weide

Boy, talk about a hard luck case. Poor Robert B. Weide. Surely that's the waiter bringing him his Emmy?
But let's just dive right into it. What's this guy's favourite decade of them all? Was it the go-go 80s when he was trading junk bonds by day, and producing shows about the great stand-up comedians by night? Or was it the go-go 90s when he slightly broadened his scope to include Kurt Vonnegut? If only as a producer? Or perhaps it's the 2000s when he hitched his wagon to Larry David's star, only to cut it loose when he saw the end was near, if only thematically? Well, it's probably the current decade, judging from all the reader feedback I've gotten so far. Yeah, it's probably the current decade... but, man. If he had to do it all over again... incidentally, how do you fail so horribly with a movie with Megan Fox in it? ...oh, right. Never mind. But it doesn't hurt at all to go back to Vonnegut. Oh, things will pick up for you in no time, Weide! Cheers.

It's the end of the world as we NOW know it...

Oh, the end of the world happens so often in the movies that we can't help but be jaded. But lots turned out for the premiere of 2012! And director Roland Emmerich does it again; all the more bitter because Dean Devlin's not by his side on this one. (The Librarian? Puh-leeze...) American filmmakers just can't hack it anymore. The other debut this week is Precious. Now, maybe I'm a heartless bastard, and it wouldn't surprise me if I was, but the title character has two kids, yet she complains that nobody loves her. Did those kids make themselves? She must be doing SOMETHING right! I know, that was uncalled for, and I'm a Neanderthal. But there's too many movies this year that will tug at your heartstrings, like Up. Why, you're not human if you haven't seen that movie! ...that's the only one I can think of right now. Then we got The Blind Side coming up... hoh, boy. More tears. More Oscar gold. Sorry, folks, gotta keep it short this week. I'll make it up to you somehow.

The Habits of the Habitual Viewer: Yep, I'm a Crystal-Head

But it wasn't always this way. And, really, what's the point of reading a review now? Now that the 30th Anniversary is fast approaching? Guess I'd better get it on Blu-Ray at some point (hint hint) even though I'll probably be the only one I know who'd ever watch it.
No, the real review to read is one from the time of its release. Critics of the time surely were disappointed by the ending, even though the film overly preps you for it. It was the 80s, man! Films were supposed to have a proper ending! Good guy shoots the bad guy, gets the girl, bad guy reaches for gun one last time, you get the idea.
The other thought I had was that it's the culmination of Henson's personal philosophy of combining things. I believe it all started when Ernie and Bert played drums on Sesame Street. The two of them drumming at the same time was way more fun than Bert all by himself, sorry to say. Then, of course, there's Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas, where Emmet's group and Emmet's mom enter the same music contest. They might have won if they played together, but alas, a Skeksis-esque rock group won the top prize. Which brings us full circle, back to The Dark Crystal. Back to a time when a 15 million dollar budget on a movie was really saying something. Hell, Raiders cost 20!
So to wrap this up, I confess that when I sit down to watch a movie that I've seen a gillion times before, I will typically jump to my favorite parts. But I do like seeing the beginning, with some of the strangest music for a movie you've heard, and certainly one wouldn't expect from the likes of Jim Henson. And be sure to crank up your TV's volume to 100 just before 0:34:15. You'll never forget it. The image is from 1:11:23, a point at which we're beginning to suspect that the Skeksis and the Mystics are somehow connected. Other musical flourishes I like: 0:14:00-Jen journeys alone; 0:25:06 - Aughra's study (I know, I know, they're the same), 0:31:17 - the Mystics start their journey to the castle. That's different! ...I guess that's about it. Oh, and being a part-time gourmand, I do have a short list of food movies. There's of course Soylent Green, but only because Heston and Robinson have a scene where they're savouring some nice rare strawberry jam. And I used to love to eat spaghetti while watching GoodFellas, also a good food movie. Big Night, haven't seen it in a while. But you gotta love the Skeksis banquet at 0:39:07 or so... "Seems to me that Gelfling... has escaped!" Apparently they had chow mein as well. Great scene. The Dark Crystal's a tale of good and evil, but clearly the evil ones are more fun to watch. Need I mention they were probably going for a French aristocracy look with the Skeksis? I haven't yet calculated the total screen time of the Skeksis yet, but I'll venture a guess they're on more than any other species. And of course, the Trial by Stone sequence is one for the ages.
A sequel is still on the slate, but it would seem that Frank Oz won't be involved. The creator of Dexter's Lab is going to direct. I guess Seth MacFarlane's unavailable. But for those of you who nitpick every film, I'll give you a little something. Now I'm no geologist, but it seems to me that you can't "heal" a crystal by putting a piece back into it that fell out. You'd have to sotter it or something! Or dunk it in some kind of a mineral bath! And The Journey of Jen? He knows where the shard is! Aughra has it. Isn't this more or less like a kid going to a friend's house? Only, over a greater distance and without a minivan... ah, skip it.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

One for their people, or Say! Did you hear the one about the three rabbis?

Well, against my better judgment, I'm going to do this review now. Either now or never, because I just can't seem to review the movies I like lately. ¶ Well, first of all, let me start by saying that when the movie ended and the end credits started to roll, I think I blurted out "You gotta be kidding!" Yes, it seems the boys have played their hand this time. I'm on to you! Ambiguity! That's da t'ing! It's one of their recurring themes. For example, in No Country for Old Men, when Llewellyn hands a slightly bloodied 100 dollar bill to the musician, we see the musician reach for the bill, and then we cut to the next scene. Well, did he take it? Or did he refuse at the last minute? We'll NEVER KNOW!
Yes, for an obsessed, obsessive-compulsive Coen brothers freak like me, I revelled at some of the unconventional framing in A Serious Man. I forget what now, but maybe I'll pick it out on video. They pushed that 7 million dollar budget to the absolute limit. I'm not the budget fetishist that I used to be, but I think 7 million is about as low as they'll go now. Blood Simple apparently cost $750,000... okay, it's double that now. And Barry Sonnenfeld shot that one! Hard to believe there'd be people now who say the Coen films that Barry shot were better. Maybe it's the youth factor. Oh, they were young and green back then, and willing to take certain risks, but now they've got wives and families and are approaching their emeritus years. Personally, I think the film that Lubezki shot turned out pretty okay, but that's another review. AND it hit #1 for a change!
Where was I? Oh, right. There's ambiguity in the opening sequence of A Serious Man, but I don't want to give anything away. Also, it's separate from the main picture, but thematically related, one might say. We follow closely the lives of the Gopnik men: Larry and his son Danny. Danny gets stoned on his Bar Mitzvah day, giving Oscar-nom'd-up-the-Yin-Yang camera jockey Roger Deakins a chance to use the camera flaring trick from that Robert Ford dealy-bopper. Okay, ASC, this is your big chance to stick it to him this year. Wouldn't that be the ultimate irony? Deakins wins for such a small budgeted film as this? Why not, I say? The way cinema's going these days, there'll come a time when Pixar will win every year for cinematography anyway, so savor these days while you still can! And speaking of Oscars, I don't know if anyone else has said it yet, but Fred Melamed, man. Maybe it's just me, but I think he was channeling Francis Ford Coppola, if only via beard. Even if he doesn't win for Best Supporting Actor, he'll never want for work again. Someone else will have to make the film for him that is the Drop Dead Gorgeous for A Serious Man's Fargo... something like that. SATs? That matching exercise? Forget it...
As usual, the acting is top notch across the board, even the children. I dare say one of the kids was picked out for his similarity to Ethan, but I don't know which one it was. I'll let someone else make that connection. The daughter's pretty much introduced for the nose job line, and to slap at the son, but there are no small parts, right? But I will say that the neighbor woman's big scene was a little over the top, but she did what she was supposed to: not blink. She of course will also no longer be in want for work. Colonel Sandurz from Spaceballs, not so much. But, he's doing pretty good already. As for the main guy, Michael Stuhlbarg, who knows? Will he be able to shake this career-defining role? I think he just might.
But back to their inter-movie themes. For those of you like me who remember Burn After Reading pretty well, there's a reference to Tuchman Marsh here. And I and one of my viewing companions noticed that costume designer Mary Zophres was one of Gopnik's students (Better be careful, because someone's going to steal her from you; either Spielberg, Favreau, or the Farrelly boys!). Well, her name was the last name on the list, so the eye was drawn right to it. That, frankly, is just sloppy direction. Too many in-jokes do not a movie make. And another thing! There's a scene where Sy Ableman and Larry Gopnik are driving... it seemed like they were following each other! That's also just plain ol' sloppy direction. The final scene in Rabbi Marshak's study made me think of Herb Myerson's study in Intolerable Cruelty. Speaking of which, Adam Arkin channeled Miles Massey quite well, if I do say so myself. I made up a handy chart earlier, but A Serious Man seems to tie in with Barton Fink and The Man Who Wasn't There, all films about doomed protagonists. But like The Dude, Gopnik's a dreamer, and he gets one more dream sequence here than the Dude! Of course, the Dude's are much more elaborate, so perhaps it all evens out. And of course, the music. Not as lush or as desirable a soundtrack as, say, Pirate Radio, but they do what they can to redeem Jefferson Airplane. Their "Somebody to Love" acts as did the cover of The Monkees' "I'm A Believer" in Blood Simple. That's right, I'm a purist and I stand by the original cut, not the new, fancier, leaner version which replaced "I'm A Believer" with The Four Tops' "It's The Same Old Song." It is NOT the same old song, guys! Nothing against The Four Tops, mind you... Ooh! Just remembered another one. The story about the dentist obsessed with that one guy's freaky teeth. There's a scene where he's sitting in bed, unable to sleep... more than a little reminiscent of NCFOM? When Llewellyn's sitting in bed, unable to sleep? The Coens, they're ripping themselves off now!
Well, I could go on forever here so let me just end with this: between Frances McDormand's character in Burn After Reading and Stuhlbarg's name here, you're getting damn close to my own name, Joel and Ethan! You nailed it shut, guys. Four stars.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Francis Veber

Awright, on to the next auteur... ooh! I just thought of another good movie idea for Richard Kelly. Hey, Richard Kelly, what next? How about a guy who has the power to actually set people's pants on fire when he says to them "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" It writes itself! And don't make it another damn 80s period piece. Set it in 2008, the last days of the Dubya presidency. Make it about how he gets really REALLY close to Dubya, but the Secret Service gets wise to him and... no, no, that's all you get for free. ¶ You know, these days, you gotta be able to come up with a list of three things on the spot, or else people won't like you. That, and interesting, uplifting anecdotes that don't smack of the 700 Club. In lieu of that, however, the short list of French cinema titans: Emanuelle Beart, Valerie Allain from that French language series, Claude Berri, Luc Besson... and of course, the king of them all, Francis Veber. The man who single-handedly ruined American cinema in the 80s with his relentless adaptations. The Man With One Red Shoe comes to mind. That was his, right? ...hoh, yeah.
I'm just going to go ahead and assume the 1980s were his favorite decade. Gotta keep things short this week. Oh, but he didn't just inspire American movies. He actually got to direct a couple in his heyday! Specifically, Three Fugitives and Out on a Limb (1992). For some reason, I keep thinking Shirley MacLaine's in that one, too. I still can't believe that she and Warren Beatty are brother and sister! I'm going to go out on my own damn limb here. Oh, they're so old school. Maybe it's just me, but they both seem equally ashamed of that fact. And sorry, Martin Short, but Three Fugitives is a disaster. I think I've seen it about 1.5 times, but it's ultimately just too trying, and not one we've returned to again and again for purposes of amusement. Clifford, yes; Three Fugitives, no.
Okay, I better cut this short. I've made Dad suffer enough with my incessant typing. He's trying to loudly snore in peace here, for God's sake!

Boffo B.O.: BoZem's Madcap MOCAP Madness

I don't understand it either. Anyway, four debuts this week! And no one wants to give out budget info! They're being coy. ¶ Debuting at #1, Robert Zemeckis proves once again that he's the king of this whole MoCap movement, and his Christmas Carol takes the cake. Well, sometimes you just gotta direct these things yourself. Remember what happened to Monster House! Ugh. What a disappointment. Meanwhile, is George Clooney's 2009 going to be as fruitful as 2005? Probably not. The stars and planets seemed to line up for him back then, winning Oscar noms left and right, and his Syriana did reasonably well. I think I once dated a girl named Syriana back in college! She lived on Diane Lane... sorry, I was channeling David Letterman for a second there. Anyway, the Cloonster's got three arrows in his quiver this year: the Goats movie, the Fox movie, and the bird movie. ...see, because he plays a Cosa Nostra... I mean a Conde Nast. Racking up frequent flier miles? Blood clots from sitting too long? Never mind. Well, Goats is doing well so far, but we'll see about Fantastic Mr. Fox. Wes Anderson can do movies about kids, but not necessarily movies FOR kids, but the MPAA seems to trust him, who knows. Next, it's (Close Encounters of) The Fourth Kind, an anti-Sarah Palin screed, which... I'm sorry, I'm just not going to dignify this any further. Not going to do it. That poor woman, what she's been through. And finally, it's Richard Kelly's The Box. Poor Cameron Diaz. She's been having a rough 2009 to say the least. But at least Shrek 4 will wipe the slate clean, right? RIGHT? People hate Mike Myers now, but they still love Shrek, don't they? Anyway, so the plot takes that old saw about getting a million dollars under one condition... These days, people will wait for two. These days people will ask "Ooh! Can me and my wife each hit the button? You know, I've got three kids! How about them, too!" I'm sorry, but I am a Malthusian, and quite pessimistic about our easy-fix drive-thru culture. Just call me Malthus-elah from now on. What next, Richard Kelly? A movie about a guy who goes to a desert island with only one movie to watch for the rest of time? A movie about a choking doberman? A movie about the welfare mom that set the anti-welfare movement ablaze? Aesop's Fables done right? Will that person from Nantucket finally get their cinematic due? He who smelt it dealt it? I better quit while I'm ahead...

The Superhero-ification of Everything: Super-Smart-but-Can't-Fly Curmudgeon Man

Every time I watch a movie now, I try to pick out the most interesting image to post later on. I do that now. For some reason, this one kinda stuck out. Oh sure, I coulda picked the one where he breaks the glass window, but that's SO cliché. The point being, fans of Curb Your Enthusiasm will probably not be as smitten with Woody Allen's Whatever Works. A little less than, say, Larry David's love letter to Friends, 1998's Sour Grapes. But it took Larry 20 years to play the lead in one of Woody's pics; I'd give him some notes on the script for the next one. It should be a credit to ol' L.D. that he nails Woody's affectations so well, yet somehow it's not. Still, I'm going to go ahead and propose it; just kinda float the suggestion out there... Oscar nomination time? Best Lead Actor? He is the lead in this, after all! I doubt that Laurie will be as forthcoming this time, but who knows. Anyway... ¶ For a long-time student of Woody's recurring themes like me and my close friends, patterns (begin to) emerge. They said it was a little bit like Hannah and Her Sisters, but mostly like Annie Hall and especially Manhattan: older man takes up with a teenage girl, maybe a little older. We didn't realize that we'd keep seeing these movies reincarnated over and over... but SCTV knew!!
Anyway, I'd be remiss and frankly derelict in my reviewing duties if I didn't mention the plot. As with most movies, Woody or otherwise, we have the opening, establishing scenario, and then the scenario that will engulf the whole rest of the movie. In this case, Boris Yellnikoff (David) leaves his wife by jumping out the window of their extra-fancy New York apartment, and ends up limping his way around chess boards in the park and to the occasional band rehearsal... kinda like Woody Allen himself! For some reason I thought of Chigurh in NCFOM in his limping phase, but that's just me, I suppose. Anyway, Badinoff... I mean Yellnikoff becomes Super-Smart-but-Can't-Fly Curmudgeon Man, able to play chess in 20 moves or less, or your game's free. And everyone but him are but mere inchworms and... something else. Amoebas, maybe. Leptons, maybe. If I've learned anything about movie nerds, I and plenty others learned from that old show Dexter's Laboratory: being a nerd is more about attitude than about actual smarts. Oh, I bet Dainel Goleman and all his people got this guy's number, I betcha!
And so, Super-Smart-but-Can't-Fly Curmudgeon Man's life is totally perfect the way it is. When suddenly... fate intervenes, dropping off a lovely Southern orphan at the doorstep of his new, two-down run-down apartment. One couldn't help but recall Slaughterhouse Five and the relationship that Billy Pilgrim and Montana Wildhack end up having... maybe not. Okay, I said ONE couldn't! So I'm just the one... where was I? Anyway, she's as naive as can be, for those of you who underestimate the power of Southern charm. But she slowly learns to see things through Yellnikoff's jaded eyes.
Let's face it, Woody's working harder here than he has to. He's gotta create this girl's backstory, but surely cribbing from Annie Hall et al. helped out a bit. And even though the characters decry clichés, they still fall back on them, and even though the universe is all chaos, all the characters that end up being in the movie end up pairing off rather neatly and tidily, making a strong case for enthalpy! ...(checking Wikipedia) I'm sorry, I guess that's neguentropy instead. As the 4-named Southern belle tells our curmudgeon Boris, his bark really is worse than his bite. Oh sure, he makes a great case against sexual intercourse, worthy of Kevin Smith, but I find it hard to believe he's totally given up on the idea. (re: Deconstructing Harry)
I guess that's about it. Henry Cavill plays the love interest competing for Evan Rachel Wood's affection. He's either the new Peter Gallagher or the new Mel Gibson; now, I'm certainly not a good judge of these kinds of things, but he seemed a little shy of the center of the Male Heart-throb Meter. Charming, but kinda creepy. Evan Rachel Wood does what she can in lieu of Scarlett Johansson. Cinematography by Gus Van Sant's usual lensman Harris Savides, and even HE was wondering, man! Who'd I piss off to get this job?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jamie Uys

Nope. Still dead. But if I had to guess, I'd say his favorite decade was the go-go 80s, when the world finally recognized Jamie Hayes as the star he was. The world fell in love with The Gods Must Be Crazy, and it was finally time to sit back and let the alpha projects roll in. When that didn't work, it was back to the well for The Gods Must Be Crazy II. You know, people always call the first one a classic, and I always have to ruin the good vibe and ask them how they liked the sequel. The typical answer is: "There was a sequel?"

You still got it, MJ! All is forgiven!

Okay, gotta try and keep this short. Zombieland - GONE! Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs - GONE! Amelia - on? Crazy. The Stepfather(2009) moves up from #8 to #7, but that's probably as high as it's gonna get. Yeah, the Paranormal Activity guy definitely got screwed out of the profits. That's generally how it works. You think they'd be promoting it as well if he was getting points? Shyeah, right. Everything else pretty much moved down to make way for the surprise hit of the week, Michael Jackson's last film, called This is It. Of course, Heath Ledger's got a last film, too! Will it do as well? WILL IT? And with that, I close... Oh yeah, almost forgot. I'll keep the torch lit for you guys!