I loves you Amelie! (Don't let them take me...)

Anybody missed me? I didn't think so. Waah. I don't think I've ever taken a hiatus that long since I've been on here! Well, maybe once before, but that was it. Sorry, baby! I was busy, but you know I'm not like all those other guys that lay false claim to loving you. They would've just put up that picture of you with your Creme Brulee spoon like savages but not me! I know there's more to you than just that Fourth Wall, baby! C'mon! You know I love ya baby. You know I didn't mean to let "A Very long engagement" slip from my mental To-Watch List! I didn't see The Princess and the Warriour either baby! I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean that. I need your ethereal guidance, baby! I got lost childhood treasures, too! From my days of living in rural France... well, at least, the French part of Los Angeles. It's the same thing! Heading down to the Bread-oteau Boulangerie in the afternoons and the proprieter would always give me a free baguette, and I could barely carry it all the way home... Yeah, those were the days.
Ah, what's the point of pretending. Besides, I'm not ready to start a family yet. That's right, I'm getting that cynical about love. Or am I? The world always seems to open more opportunities to the married with kids, doesn't it? At least with the tax breaks and all. And it does make me think of that quote from the Simpsons where Patty (or is it Selma? Even I, a die hard Simpsons fan, get the two mixed up) says "Making a baby isn't supposed to be hard work. It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're SUPPOSED to have for each other!" Incidentally, it was the only episode where someone else did the voice of Fat Tony, but I'm just not sure who. And I care not to speculate.
Anyway, I'm kinda glad that X3 kicked ass at the box office this weekend. A victory for Secularia over the more religious Oceania! Because that's how the USA rolls these days. Only thing is I think Bryan Singer's going to direct Rush Hour 3. That's the only corollary. I mean, aw c'mon Amelie baby! I didn't mean nothin' by it! I want the Da Vinci Code to do well, too! I'm just sayin' you'll always be Amelie to me!
Okay, I've done enough damage...

Major Box Office Happenings...

Man! Just not enough hours in the day, and I just can't do this while watching my beloved Colbert Report. Relegation! That's how all the true successes of this world achieve great things. And speaking of great things, Tom Cruise must be gratified that his M:I-III is #1 champ for at least two weeks now. However, with only 85 million dollars in toto, they've only covered the cost of the film stock and the internet advertising! Better put on your marching boots, Tommy, it's gonna be a long slog through this long hot summer, and you're wearing that 50 pound Army backpack all the way. After all, look what's on the horizon: Da Da Vinci Code, my friend!!! Biggest movie of the decade... okay, so it's a slow decade.
What else? The other newbies aren't doing so well so far. Poseidon, pretty good at 22 mil, while Just My Luck wasn't as lucky. Were they hoping this film would advertise itself? They needed to win back all those burned by The Love Bug, heh heh...
What else? Ice Age Part Deux almost at 200 million... I swear there's payola in the distribution bizness; all the distributors wanna see this glacier cross that 200 million barrier, just like they let Me Myself & Irene cross the 100 million barrier. Took long enough! ...never mind, guess I rmemembered it differently.
What else? An American Haunting at #5... guess it really is the summer movie season, where people actually want to be entertained in stead of scared. ...what? Alot is a word, now, right? Why can't instead become two words? Anyway, it's done so well, stay tuned for the sequel: An American Haunting in Paris.
Okay, that's it for me. My garlic bread is burning up in the oven. See you next week for Tom's last hurrah!

Quickie Reviews

What with as fast as things move these days, who has time to watch a whole movie anymore? Let alone read a whole movie review. So that's why I'm going to make things simple with Quickie Reviews. But what to review? Well, I'll start with things I've seen that are on the IMDb's Top 250:

Harold and Maude: It's Yusuf Islam-rific! I mean, Cat Stevens-tastic.
All the President's Men: Oh, I just hate these irrelevant period pieces!
Almost Famous: Good!
The Lost Weekend: Oh, don't be ridic'!
Heat: Modern day epic.
In the Heat of the Night: An epic of its time. Well, that, and this other one...
Sling Blade: Most folks call it that, mm hmm...
Monsters, Inc.: Well, the animation's rigorous, you gotta give 'em that.
The Terminator: Better stick with T2 instead...
Ed Wood: I think this one's in for the long haul! Too bad about Jeffrey Jones, though...
12 Monkeys: Seriously? Of all the Gilliam films, this one seems a little high up on the list!
Magnolia: Never did see the whole thing...
Shrek: Maybe someday they'll release the special version with Farley's voice... maybe not. Too expensive.
The Grapes of Wrath: Wait a couple more years, it'll seem timely again.
A Christmas Story: From the director of Porky's and Rhinestone (Cowboy): BUMPUSES!!!!
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Are there more aliens like you back home?
Finding Neverland: Oops, I thought it was Finding Nemo...
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: This is one of those films that make a good Rorschach test, or an intelligence test, for deciding who you should hang with in your life... That, and Booty Call.
Once Upon A Time In America: Didn't do much for me. But, didn't Danny Aiello look so young?
Blade Runner: And I saw the director's cut back in 92! Now I'm thinking: I remembered it better, didn't seem as good seeing it recently. Also, the print was wavering a bit for a DVD. NOT GOOD!!!!!
Kill Bill 1 or KB2: Oh, I can't decide which is worse... Better! I mean, better.
Cool Hand Luke: Time for a night in the box.
L. A. Confidential: Oh dear, it's dropping in the polls.
Se7en: The film that started it all... and I mean, the total breakdown of words and letters and numbers in movie titles as we know it! I mean, M1ke and the Mechanic5? Thir13en Ghosts... Damn! They're slipping from my mind! Oh yeah, Slevin, too. I can't even type in that one!
North by Northwest: The best thing to happen to ethanol since ... Arizona Dream!
12 Angry Men... And what have you bastards done for Sidney lately? (sobbing...)
The Fellowship of the Ring: Only 13th? I think it's better than that.
Memento: Seriously? Of all the Nolan films, this one seems a little high up on the list!
Back to the Future: For my money, the best damn time travel story, period.
Duck Soup: A classic. If only the title made some sense...
Schindler's List: Not something you want to see too often...
Casablanca: Here's looking at you, kid.
The Shawshank Redemption: I don't know... Too slick for me.
and finally...
Godfather 1 and 2: Works for me.
----
Meanwhile, in more recent news...
The Break-Up: Well, Jennifer's bound to have a hit sometime, right? And Vince's bound to get out of rehab sometime, right?
Oh yeah, Zwigoff's got a new movie, too. Hurrah for the underdog!
Okay, that's enough damage for tonight. :)

Curse of the Ruling Class

This scene from The Never-Ending Story (the first one!) was a little more intense than I remembered. I'm sorry, I mean Unendliche Geschichte, Die for my many, many Deutschland friends. But the point is, it maintains its relevance for two reasons: one being Poseidon, Wolfgang's latest film, and two, Hillary's cropping up again as the 2008 Presidential candidate. My god! Is sixty still the new thirty? I don't know how the Dems in general feel about her candidacy, and I was against it myself, but I don't know. I think if we're gonna fail, we should fail big. After all, this isn't 1988 we're talking about here! The Clintons had a good attack machine.. rather, Attack Response Machine back in '92; why wouldn't they still have that? Besides, someone's gotta help out the flailing publishing industry. Anyway, if we're really in a fight, it's not just at election time; it's every day, not every two years. Purchasing recycled products, writing your congressman, that kinda crap. Can someone help me out here?

Meanwhile, a rare case where the darkness crosses over to the light: Richard Perle recently braved the wilds of the Al Franken radio show on Air America Radio. I gotta hand it to Franken, he managed not to sink into that swamp of ambiguous indignance. His contention this, and his contention that; kinda sounded like Ed Klein a bit! Oh, why do people pick on Dick Cheney so much? He accepted Harry Whittington's apology, didn't he? The plain and simple fact is, no one really knows anything about Iraq, so Richard Perle must be right! That's what I took away from that interview, anyway.
What else? Speaking of the darkness, as I got my tires changed recently, I read about a fella by the name of John Rowe. He kinda looks like Karl Rove (Carl with a K? How gay is that?) only he's a nuclear boy. Originally put on nuclear detail as a punishment from his bosses (at some anonymous law firm - they're all the same), J.R. took those nuclear lemons and made U-238 Lemonade. Well, I just hope tritium isn't too toxic! It's all going into our drinking water, folks. Just what we need, more trash we don't know what to do with. (I cite Superman 4 because it's part of the plot, not because the movie itself is trash ... or is it?) The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was to convince the world that John Rowe doesn't exist.
Boy, whoever came up with that psychedelic font thingie used for security purposes to prevent spam posting must be worth freakin' billions! A house on the hill, with a tram down to the guest house, and all such flippedy-crapple like that. The art of twisting letters just enough so's that people can still read's 'em! Wicked!!

Box Office Incursion

Gotcha, Indy! Well, out of fairness, it is the Holy Grail we're talking about here. Gotta keep things succinct here, but let's take a peek at the Box Office this week.

M.I.3 over RV,
They both Stick It to An American Haunting.
U93 survives the Meltdown,
Scissors beat Paper, Silence swallows the Laughter,
Akeelah and the Bee, ah who gives a Hoot.

What else? Oh yeah, the Token Englishman is back on The Daily Show, and his name is Dave Gorman. Must be another protegé of Ricky Gervais.

Well, Poseidon is on the horizon, as well as some other very expensive blockbusters which escape me now... damn unions! But we'll save that for another time, as I'm awfully tired right now. But we'll be back with more of Don't Look into the Camera Month here at the Movie Hooligan blog. Incidentally, if any of you out there have any requests, any scenes where someone looks right into that ol' camera, I'll try to dig them up for you. Don't be shy! :)

Our Persian Incursion

As our CEO President decides how to market his plan on which country to bomb next, the Administration continues to drop the bar further and further in their game of Fear Limbo. As of now, it's "Our National Anthem should only be sung in English... NOT SPANISH!!" What's next? My money's on "Only ketchup on hot dogs. No mustard." Oh, and don't even get me started on Freedom Fries. You know what they put on French fries in Holland? Oh yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about!
Not that it should be a law, or a Constitutional Amendment or anything, they're just saying that's how it should be. Maybe they'll try floating the whole gay marriage thing again next week. If they can't make it seem like new, no one can.
Anyway, the first thing I recorded 15 months ago on my DVD recorder was a Daily Show report called "Let's Go! Bomb Iran..." One of the things the report said was that there's no Saddam-level villain in Iran. Fortunately, now there is, with the help of publications like The Economist. Damn you, Ahmadinejad! I had no opinion of the man until I read in the online USA Today that he's launched a scathing verbal assault on the state of Israel. (Hopefully, the hyperlink's still fresh by the time someone else reads this.) Why, he's mentioning Hitler more than South Park! Well, whatever it takes for the Mossad to disable Iran's nuclear capability, I'm in favor of it. I don't think it's something the USA is capable of handling right now; at least, until we get either a Clinton or another Democrat in the White House. Then the Republicans can go back to grumbling about how well the economy's doing. OTOH, my stock profile's gone up a little bit this year! Not enough to retire, but at least it's not going down!
Just had a hilarious sketch on SNL with Kenan as Colin Powell as Sanford. Oh, Kenan's good, but what the hell happened to Kel?
Oh but let's get on with the movie news. Carl Hiaasen has finally moved out of Tobias Wolff territory and launched his second feature pic called Hoot. Hey, Carl, what with your tangential relationship with Jimmy Buffett and all, can you even doubt your next book will be about a certain energy credit company? ...too tangential a relationship? Okay, skip it.
Was there something else? Guess not, although everyone seems to be talking now about how Tom Cruise made 100 million off of War of the Worlds. Wow, he is a genius! Wonder how much Spielberg made! Probably not that much. They can't all make 100 million. So remember, future film actors, producing is where the real money's made!
Okay, it's past my bedtime. Gotta go. But let's check in with NCFOM. More names!! Josh Brolin? Boy, the Coens HAVE gone Hollywood! :)

Kiss Your 4th Wall Goodbye!

Ah'm back, baby! After a well-deserved rest I am energized and ready to tackle this new month with an invigorated vigor... something like that. Anyway, the theme of this month is Don't Look in the Camera Month, where we highlight, nay, honor, in jpeg form, various moments in film when the characters in the movie ever so gently puncture that 4th wall, addressing the audience directly. If I missed one of your favorites, please feel free to post a comment! While I'm glad to have the spammers back, sometimes it's just not enough, people! (wiping away a tear)
People, how did we ever live without the word upgrade? While we're waiting for the upgraded MI3 to blast its way into theaters, the Lions Gate horror revolution is still determinedly on the march. I mean, these heart transplants don't pay for themselves, am I right? I swear I heard he was involved in this... Anyway, we have See No Evil in our midst, just on the heels of Saw 3. In fact, I thought it was Saw 3 I was seeing the TV spot for! ...drat, guess we have to wait 'til Halloween for it. Well, that's planning for you. Also, we have An American Haunting to look forward to. And, unlike See No Evil, there's actually some names in the cast! Cool! Zoe Thorne plays Theny Thorne... boy, are screenwriters overworked these days or what? I haven't seen anything quite like it since Buscemi in Desperado!
Don't worry, I'll make a trilogy out of this yet. While we're waiting for Zion 4, I couldn't help but notice a recent proliferation of Exorcist-ish movies on my cable. Why, Wm. Peter Blatty must be rolling in his grave! So let me get this straight, there's Dominion and E:TB both starring my man Peter Skarsgard! Apparently, Dominion actually got a theatrical release, but people were confused and thought, I just saw this movie, like, yesterday! How unfair that types like Renny Harlin are so prolific!
In other horror news, Hoodwinked is already out on DVD! Damn, that was quick. I mean, for a non-black market DVD release. Well, seemed quick to me, anyway. Who knows how long this was in the making. This kind of thing may hurt Over the Hedge, but what do I care?
Well, hat's about it for me. One blogger can only do so much against Hollywood. Why, did you know that it's not even a real town? :)