Flesh Frolic

Normally I don't do this, but I feel I really have to speak out this time. Is it injustice? I'll leave that to you, dear readers. All I know is, it sure feels like injustice to me, and I'm sure the loyal readers of Maxim Magazine will surely agree. But before we get to that, better make this a three-parter, just in case. After all, all good things come in threes, right?
Where to begin, then? Oh yeah. Sea of Love. Saw most of it, anyway, enough to fog up my glasses, that's for sure. And I thought Mr. Becker learned his lesson from The Boost. No more love stories! Too bad they had to have all that murder mystery stuff get in the way of the plot and all. Well, it was probably a necessary evil, otherwise it's just Booty Call. Can you believe it? Academy Award (TM) winner Jamie Foxx STILL to this day won't return Jeff Pollack's calls! He'll get through one of these days, though. They've already got the title for the sequel: Badonkadonk. ...is that how it's spelled? I just don't speak Blackanese!
Anyway, part two. They were showing Porky's on Fox Movie Channel. While I don't think it's in Animal House's league, it certainly has a certain sense of time and place, or at least a semblance of a budget for it. And of course ample amounts of flesh. How quaint, too, when the guys are peeking in the shower and the one kid gets stuck with the fat chick. He tells her to get out of the way loudly so the jig is up. Good gag, but is he gay?
Later on, in a feat of isomorphic mental acrobastics, I will attempt to draw parallels between the instant case and director Bob Clark's other KC Masterpiece, A Christmas Story, but on to #3, which is A Good Woman. While I haven't seen it, I was perusing some DVDs at ... Fred Meyer, was it? This was in a bin and I read the description on the back, and it said "Scarlett Johansson plays a newlywed trying to win her husband back from seductress Helen Hunt." Do I need to repeat that? Let me repeat it anyway. That's Scarlett Johansson trying to win her husband back from (Academy Award winner) Helen Hunt. As Lewis Black might say, are you f******* kidding me?!! Son of a Bitch! How hard could that be? All she'd have to say to me is "I'm Scarlett Johansson"! Game over! Even Woody Allen knows it, Scarlett is this generation's Marilyn Monroe! Done two pics with her, lucky bastard. I mean, Helen was okay in Empire Falls, and whatever else she's done, but c'mon! Am I right, all you slobbering editors over at FHM? Then again, she did play a size-obsessed lady of the evening on a Ladies' Man sketch on SNL. I think that was her audition tape for this role. The producers were between a rock and a hard place on this one: rumor has it Madonna was also interested in the part, but the producers turned her down. Ouch!
All right, I'm done. On to bigger and better things now. Why I have yet to tear this week's box office a new one! Hopefully I'm not too late, got just the image for it too. Stay tuned! :)