Short Reviews - Feb '09

Clearly, this is a month of premonition. There was an ad for a movie coming out in June? April? I Love You, Man is still a month away? Boy, this month's movies must really suck. Except of course for Madea Goes to Jail.
But the big story that the Puritan media couldn't keep out of the news cycle is that some well-heeled pornographers are offering that controversial Octuplet mom a million dollars to star in an adult video. The way this economy is going, I say take it. Any good economist worth his weight in salt will tell you that soon, porno asking prices will plummet as the Internet continues its forward march. Better yet, start a bidding war if you can. What, Larry Flynt's going broke? Have him up the ante to two million dollars! She's got 14 kids to feed!

The Reader - Here's another question I have. Now that Kate Winslet's finally won her Oscar, can she just go away now like Renee Zellweger did? Or Susan Lucci? Do we REALLY need another spin on World War II? Hasn't it literally been done to death yet? How many times can we plow that field? Oh, not all the Germans were bad. Oh, not all the Jews were good. Enough! Enough, I say!

Semi-Pro - But you know what we need more of? 70s movies! Afro hair and bell bottom jeans! And disco music! You haven't seen your favorite actor yet unless you've seen them in an Afro wig doing Saturday Night Fever. Gimme more! Gimme more period cars and yellow filters and obscure disco music. More, more, more! I'm not saturated enough with it yet!!

Fired Up! - Flown in from the 80s

The Haunting in Connecticut - Finally! Some excitement. Nothing ever happens round these parts.

Push - X-Men 3 meets Scanners meets Ronin? With a Passion of the Christ twist of lemon? Seeing as how it did at the box office, I guess Push just didn't come to shove after all. Ohhhhhh, snap! Ohhhhhhhhh, no he di'int!

Confessions of a Shopaholic - Lemme guess... she has regrets after she goes shopping? It's a Jerry Bruckheimer production, so she better buy some explosions, Hummers crashing into trolleys and terrorists trying to kidnap the President!

Eastbound & Down - The best new drama on HBO.

The Seven Year Itch - Contains the immortal line: "Take your potato chips and go."

Batman Forever - Now Tommy Lee's the Chigurh!

The Proposal (2009) - Well, I'm sure Sandra's got all the money she'll ever need, so all she really cares about is that this does better than New in Town did.

Lars and the Real Girl - How is it that no one's recommended this film to me yet? Isn't it a sleeper? Or is it in more of a video store coma than I thought?

Echelon Conspiracy - Tell me more... This isn't a Christian film, is it?

Murder by Numbers - Good double bill with: Fracture

Watchmen - Trust me, it's gonna suck.

No Country for Old Men - You know, for a violent movie, it's pretty damn folks-y on the other hand!




...Well, it was a short month, and I still don't have my candidacy paper done! I'll make up for it in March, I promise.

Emergency Auteur Watch - Coen Brothers

http://action.thisisreality.org/page/s/coenbrothers ... is that Crispin Glover?

(3/11/09 - special addendum. I braved the wilds and the grown-over weeds of that old Yahoo! Coen Bros. club I belonged to, hacked my way through the thickets of women wanting to show off their large implants and the nettles of the men who want to find them, and found my old treasure trove...

The ultimate 'spoiler'

On the Bravo! Network special about the Coens
(Bravo! Profiles) they showed this, I assume Ethan's,
bookcase, with their screenplays in the works. And,
ravenous, as I am for anything even remotely Coen-related,
I had to pause the tape to catch the titles of the
Screenplays, so beware. Spoiler ahead!

Coast To Coast
Miller's Crossing
(alphabetical from here)
Big Lebowski
Blood Simple
Coast To Coast
Chattahoochee
The Concierge
Cult Cop
Darkman
Fargo
A Man In Shades (2nd Draft)
Intolerable Cruelty
The Land of Youth
Leap In The Dark
Johnny Skidmarks
Justified Sin (1st Draft)
A Man In Shades
A Man In Shades (1st Draft)
Meet Bobby Buttman
Mr. Murder
Nifty
Quark Victory
Red Harvest
Voices
To The White Sea
)

Not Religilous enough... did I spell that right?

Look at me. I'm worried about spelling a made-up word right. Hmm! I wonder how long it will take for 'Religulous' to hit the spelling bee circuit.
Anyway, from a brief look at the other critics, looks like Ebert was once again the lone positive voice in the braying wilderness, just like with Red Dragon. But religion is one of those touchy subjects, as everyone knows. Me, I'll never forget the time I went to church with a friend of mine and I spent most of that hour relentlessly giggling to myself. I think he joined me a little bit. Oh, the stories I could tell. Actually, I think that's the only one. But fortunately they were forgive and forget Christians, but the friendship did ultimately end over my lack of faith. Probably for the best.
So I'm not a particularly religious person, but I do know it's a touchy subject. And the way Maher handles it, ultimately, is not particularly Oscar-worthy. Sorry, Bill, but I still am a fan and look forward to Real Time tomorrow night, but you're going to have to pay about as many dues as Michael Moore has paid if you want to get a Best Documentary Oscar. And you'll have to direct it yourself, too; technically, Larry Charles would get the Oscar. Al Gore didn't get an Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth, you know. Its director, Davis Guggenheim, did... oh yeah, and Melissa Etheridge for song. Kewl! Forgot about that.
In terms of approach, it's kind of like an episode of Dream On. You know, footage from old movies used to accentuate the plot. It's creative for a while, but I have to agree with those who hated the movie. It gets grating after a while. The film tries to go for Maximum Awkwardness, showing all the times that Maher's interviewees are at a loss for words. Except for that one crazy-ass Rabbi who got to shake Ahmadinejad's hand. Maher was at a loss for words that time.
Not to be too nitpicky, but Maher seems at his best in the Real Time / Politically Incorrect format. When Real Time goes on hiatus, he'll usually have an HBO special featuring his stand-up. Somehow, it's not the same. I'm not sure what his best special is, or what he would consider his best special, but lately it hasn't been so great. But I did like the graphics on that one he did called "When you ride alone, you ride with Bin Laden." Maybe Obama can get that guy. Dubya couldn't, remember?
What else? I don't want to get too religious about all this, but I will say that I don't think Maher's tone is inconsistent. Some might say it's inconsistent when Maher starts out saying he's preaching doubt, yet at the end he's certain that religion's the problem. I think the two CAN be mutually exclusive. The problem is that even if we do abolish religion, something else will inevitably take its place. Nature abhors a vacuum, and apparently, so does man when struggling with questions about our origins and the infinite vastness of space, etc. No, the real fun begins when God actually does come into our lives. Or maybe Bill Brasky, one or the other. Maybe when we get to the Pearly Gates, God will turn out to be The Giant Squid and he'll ask us, "Yeah yeah, we all got problems. And I got a bad back. So, did'ja bring me a bucketful of sardines or what?"

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Before I forget...

God bless YouTube! You can get just about anything on there, except for Norm MacDonald on Conan; maybe that's on Hulu now. But if you DO go looking for something on YouTube, (say, for example, video of a dog having a bad dream... saw that on MSNBC today...) you have to know what to ask for... and even then it's kinda tricky. For example, I forgot the name of Lickety-Splat, arguably the funniest Road Runner / Wile E. Coyote cartoon ever. Of course, these days things are judged by how funny they are when you're high on weed, so someone else will have to corroborate my findings... seriously. And the web search engines aren't that sophisticated yet. You just can't ask it to find the funniest Road Runner cartoon and expect to automatically get a link to Lickety-Splat.
Now to be fair, I didn't always think this one was the funniest. When I first saw it I didn't like it, maybe even hated it. But then, the more I thought about it... you know, that ol' story. That's how some things sneak up on you sometimes. Not like Nothing but Trouble of course, but like some other things.
Anyway, this is the reason why this is the funniest Road Runner cartoon ever. SPOILERS! At about the half-way mark, three minutes into the thing, it seems like your typical Road Runner cartoon, until the coyote comes across a diabolical invention that seems like it will do the trick: a flying dart with a stick of dynamite on it. And whatever the dart lands in, it blows it up almost instantaneously. Almost: there's just barely enough of a comedic pause. To make matters worse, the darts are equipped with a harmonica, so you know they're coming. So, excited by his new-found genius invention, Wile E. Coyote gets into a big gondolier and lets a couple dozen of them loose. They swoop around in a big circle and fly away from the Road Runner. He starts getting a little nervous, and rightly so! Because one of the little devils sticks into the balloon and blows it up! Thereafter what follows is, in my humble opinion (IMHO), one of the greatest recurring gags in recent cartoon history. Some might question the dignity of the ending, but I don't. Then again, if they were making it today, the last two would definitely blow up...

Good double bill with: Hasty but Tasty

****
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Bill Duke

Taraji P. Henson? Bill Duke worked with her? I mean, she worked with Bill Duke? That's more like it. Small world after all! But where's HIS Oscar nom?
Oh my God, I feel so old. And Bill probably does, too. Were you REALLY born in 1943? Damn! Well, happy birthday for tomorrow, Bill. Guess we better look at the Director Decades theory here, definitely. So what's your favorite decade, Duke? Is it the Disco 70s when you were up and coming in the biz, and you were on shows like Starsky & Hutch, Kojak and Charlie's Angels? And getting your piece of the Car Wash pie?
Or is it the go-go 80s, when the TV directing work was through the roof, and you got to pal around with Ah-nold in BOTH Commando and Predator as the same guy? Oh, snap? If I had to guess, and I think I do here, it's probably the go-go 90s that are your favorite decade, when the whole semi-Hollywood auteur thing kicked in, and your directorial efforts were getting the red carpet treatment big time! The Cemetery Club! Hoodlum! A Rage in Harlem! (good title) Sister Act 2? I like that one because the end credits look exactly like Whoopi's short-lived TV interview show. I think I remembered that correctly.
No, the 2000s and beyond, you did have that small but memorable cameo in The Limey. Payback, not so much. Clearly this is your emeritus years, where you've gone from Deep Cover to just plain Cover. And Not Easily Broken was the latest entry in the Tyler Perry Sweepstakes, but where Ty succeeds and everyone else fails is with her Big Momma character. Make a note of that. I suggest you go out with a bang like Kubrick and make your Eyes Wide Shut. On the other hand, destroy all that good will you've worked so hard to build up all these years? Think about it!

Brought to you by... YECCH!

Is anyone else getting just SICK of that ad that keeps popping up? Good Lord! First of all, get some better lighting, or get those people a tan. Learn from the Hydroxycut people. Second, it's just the same guy, right? But with a different t-shirt, and he sucks in his stomach in the bottom picture. No, there's no easy way around it. Be like Joe Piscopo and go to the gym. Or is it, be like Joe Pesci and make a gangsta rap album? Either way.
Meanwhile, Ah-nold is apparently saying to all those Republican governors who are refusing the bailout money that he'll gladly take it. You go, guhl-friend! And John McCain thought he was a maverick. Phat chance.
Well, the Oscar preshows have already started so I better make this box office assessment quick. And it's a landslide! No need for a photo finish here. Say what you will, but Madea can still knock 'em out of the park. Yes, it's Madea Goes to Jail at #1 with over 40 million in the bank. Chump change for Tyler Perry these days, of course, but still impressive. And almost equally as impressive, Liam Neeson's Taken is hanging in there at #2! Both movies an equally great place to dump off the teenagers for a quiet afternoon.
Coraline hangs on at #3. I don't get it! The Onion gave it an A! Doesn't it have obvious metaphors to the Bush administration? Isn't it a heartless CGI-esque yawner? Trite and obvious? Everything else is these days, that's for sure. Meanwhile, the bored moviegoing public just isn't that into He's Just Not That Into You anymore. Oh, you can't fool me, Aniston. Just because your name is somewhere in the middle on the IMDb doesn't mean you don't get top billing in real life. But people couldn't be more into Slumdog Millionaire. It's almost made as much as Benjamin Button! Time to scratch off the engraving on that Best Picture Oscar...
---
As for the rest of you dregs, Friday the 13th is already a distant memory at #6. It's already the 22nd! Where does the time go? At #7, Confessions of a Shopaholic. Spoiler alert: women like to shop, men like to hog the remote. Or the TiVo, to update it slightly. Paul Blart slips to #8 but it's still not totally gone yet. Something called Fired Up! debuts at #9. Now, c'mon. The movie's probably crap... sorry, Fouch, it's true. But I have a feeling you're going to be all right, partly because you look like Trey Parker. Hang out with Alessandro Nivola for a while. He'll mentor your career just fine. Also, the poster, with its giant F.U. letters. Even the Onion has to admit they're thumbing their noses at somebody. But the poster's tagline is a little strange: "2 guys. 300 girls. Do the math." Well, it's obvious, isn't it? One of the guys must kill the other so he can have the 300 girls all to himself. On the other hand, is 300 really enough? I mean, in this day and age? Probably not enough for the likes of the young Lloyd Christmas.
And finally, The International. Run Clive Run... damn near off the top 10! Ah, who cares. I'm going to wait to see Duplicity instead.

It's a wonderful night for Oscar. Oscar, Oscar... Hugh Jackman?

Ah, 2008. You've come to a close, but your Oscar drama is far from over. This year I'm leaning towards a Benjamin Button sweep. Not because I particularly liked the movie, but lately the Oscars are getting back to what they do best: a coronation for a particular director that the Hollywood community reluctantly, begrudgingly agrees, deserves it. And it looks like it's Fincher's turn. Not necessarily for Alien 3 or The Game or his Madonna videos, of course, but for the good stuff. Fight Club. Seven. And his latest Brad Pitt collaboration, Benjamin Button which someone, either bitterly or not, observed is a film ENGINEERED for the Oscars. Sorry, but I have to shout. What an odd trilogy this will be, when they sell it at Costco. Of course, even the enlightened Costco shoppers will pick it up and go "Brad Pitt and Finch from American Pie? I didn't know he was a director!", but I digress. Slumdog Millionaire seems to be the closest thing to a Close Second, but please. It's Fincher's turn now. Sure, SM's got some buzz, but Finch has got that Brad Pitt mojo working with him. Plus, Button's budget is greater than all the other best pic noms combined! Probably!
As for the rest, well, I'm going strictly by buzz, and gut instinct. I'm pretty sure Heath and Mickey got their prospective locks on the prize. (Personally, I hope Frank Langella gets it.) As for screenplay, I have no clue. My inside sources haven't dished the dirt for me yet. As for the Short Subjects, I'm going by catchiest title, which is how the rest of the voting block does it. Oh, and this year I'm using the Swedish vote counting system; as you can see, I have numbered each nominee in terms of who I think will most likely win (1) down to who I think will LEAST likely win (5, or 3 if there are 3 in a category), so it will be like golf scores. Sorry, Zea, it's not your year. Fingers crossed for a perfect 24!

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Kathleen Kennedy (I); Frank Marshall (I); Ceán Chaffin
2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Christian Colson
3. Frost/Nixon (2008) - Brian Grazer; Ron Howard (I); Eric Fellner
4. Milk (2008) - Dan Jinks; Bruce Cohen
5. Reader, The (2008) - "tbd"


Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Nominees:
1. Wrestler, The (2008) - Mickey Rourke
2. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Brad Pitt
3. Frost/Nixon (2008) - Frank Langella
4. Visitor, The (2007/I) - Richard Jenkins (I)
5. Milk (2008) - Sean Penn (I)


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Nominees:
1. Doubt (2008/I) - Meryl Streep
2. Reader, The (2008) - Kate Winslet
3. Frozen River (2008) - Melissa Leo
4. Changeling (2008) - Angelina Jolie
5. Rachel Getting Married (2008) - Anne Hathaway (I)


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
1. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Heath Ledger
2. Tropic Thunder (2008) - Robert Downey Jr.
3. Doubt (2008/I) - Philip Seymour Hoffman
4. Milk (2008) - Josh Brolin
5. Revolutionary Road (2008) - Michael Shannon (V)


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
1. Doubt (2008/I) - Viola Davis (I)
2. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Taraji P. Henson
3. Doubt (2008/I) - Amy Adams (III)
4. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) - Penélope Cruz
5. Wrestler, The (2008) - Marisa Tomei


Best Achievement in Directing
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - David Fincher
2. Milk (2008) - Gus Van Sant
3. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Danny Boyle
4. Frost/Nixon (2008) - Ron Howard (I)
5. Reader, The (2008) - Stephen Daldry


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Nominees:
1. In Bruges (2008) - Martin McDonagh
2. WALL·E (2008) - Andrew Stanton (I) (screenplay/story); Jim Reardon (I) (screenplay); Pete Docter (story)
3. Frozen River (2008) - Courtney Hunt
4. Happy-Go-Lucky (2008) - Mike Leigh
5. Milk (2008) - Dustin Lance Black


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Nominees:
1. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Simon Beaufoy
2. Doubt (2008/I) - John Patrick Shanley
3. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Eric Roth (I) (screenplay/story); Robin Swicord (story)
4. Reader, The (2008) - David Hare (I)
5. Frost/Nixon (2008) - Peter Morgan (I)


Best Achievement in Cinematography
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Claudio Miranda (II)
2. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Wally Pfister
3. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Anthony Dod Mantle
4. Changeling (2008) - Tom Stern (II)
5. Reader, The (2008) - Chris Menges; Roger Deakins


Best Achievement in Art Direction
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Donald Graham Burt (art director); Victor J. Zolfo (set decorator)
2. Duchess, The (2008) - Michael Carlin (I) (art director); Rebecca Alleway (set decorator)
3. Changeling (2008) - James J. Murakami (art director); Gary Fettis (set decorator)
4. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Nathan Crowley (art director); Peter Lando (set decorator)
5. Revolutionary Road (2008) - Kristi Zea (art director); Debra Schutt (set decorator)


Best Achievement in Costume Design
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Jacqueline West
2. Duchess, The (2008) - Michael O'Connor (I)
3. Milk (2008) - Danny Glicker
4. Revolutionary Road (2008) - Albert Wolsky
5. Australia (2008) - Catherine Martin (I)


Best Achievement in Sound
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - David Parker (III); Michael Semanick; Ren Klyce; Mark Weingarten (I)
2. WALL·E (2008) - Tom Myers (II); Michael Semanick; Ben Burtt
3. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Lora Hirschberg (I); Gary Rizzo (I); Ed Novick
4. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Ian Tapp; Richard Pryke; Resul Pookutty
5. Wanted (2008) - Chris Jenkins (I); Frank A. Montaño; Petr Forejt


Best Achievement in Editing
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Kirk Baxter; Angus Wall
2. Frost/Nixon (2008) - Mike Hill (I); Daniel P. Hanley
3. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Lee Smith (II)
4. Milk (2008) - Elliot Graham (I)
5. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Chris Dickens


Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Nominees:
1. Iron Man (2008) - Frank E. Eulner; Christopher Boyes
2. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Richard King (I)
3. WALL·E (2008) - Ben Burtt; Matthew Wood (I)
4. Wanted (2008) - Wylie Stateman
5. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - Tom Sayers


Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Eric Barba; Steve Preeg; Burt Dalton; Craig Barron
2. Dark Knight, The (2008) - Nick Davis (II); Chris Corbould (I); Timothy Webber (II); Paul J. Franklin
3. Iron Man (2008) - John Nelson (I); Ben Snow; Daniel Sudick; Shane Mahan


Best Achievement in Makeup
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Greg Cannom
2. Dark Knight, The (2008) - John Caglione Jr.; Conor O'Sullivan
3. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008) - Mike Elizalde; Thomas Floutz


Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Nominees:
1. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - A.R. Rahman; Maya Arulpragasam
- For the song "O Saya".
2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - A.R. Rahman (music); Gulzar (lyrics)
- For the song "Jai Ho".
3. WALL·E (2008) - Peter Gabriel (music/lyrics); Thomas Newman (I) (music)
- For the song "Down to Earth".


Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Nominees:
1. Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) - Alexandre Desplat
2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) - A.R. Rahman
3. Milk (2008) - Danny Elfman
4. WALL·E (2008) - Thomas Newman (I)
5. Defiance (2008) - James Newton Howard


Best Short Film, Animated
Nominees:
1. This Way Up (2008) - Alan Smith (XVII); Adam Foulkes (II)
2. Maison en petits cubes, La (2008) - Kunio Kato
3. Oktapodi (2007) - Emud Mokhberi; Thierry Marchand
4. Presto (2008) - Doug Sweetland
5. Ubornaya istoriya - lyubovnaya istoriya (2007) - Konstantin Bronzit


Best Short Film, Live Action
Nominees:
1. Auf der Strecke (2007) - Reto Caffi
2. Manon sur le bitume (2007) - Elizabeth Marre; Olivier Pont
3. New Boy (2007) - Steph Green; Tamara Anghie
4. Grisen (2008) - Tivi Magnusson; Dorthe Warnø Høgh
5. Spielzeugland (2007) - Jochen Alexander Freydank


Best Documentary, Short Subject
Nominees:
1. Witness from the Balcony of Room 306, The (2008) - Adam Pertofsky; Margaret Hyde
2. Final Inch, The (2008) - Irene Taylor Brodsky; Tom Grant
3. Conscience of Nhem En, The (2008) - Steven Okazaki
4. Smile Pinki (2008) - Megan Mylan


Best Documentary, Features
Nominees:
1. Man on Wire (2008) - James Marsh (I); Simon Chinn
2. Encounters at the End of the World (2007) - Werner Herzog; Henry Kaiser (II)
3. Trouble the Water (2008) - Tia Lessin; Carl Deal
4. Garden, The (2008/I) - Scott Hamilton Kennedy
5. Betrayal - Nerakhoon, The (2008) - Ellen Kuras; Thavisouk Phrasavath


Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Nominees:
1. Entre les murs (2008)
- France.
2. Baader Meinhof Komplex, Der (2008)
- Germany.
3. Revanche (2008)
- Austria.
4. Okuribito (2008)
- Japan.
5. Vals Im Bashir (2008)
- Israel.


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Nominees:
1. WALL·E (2008) - Andrew Stanton (I)
2. Kung Fu Panda (2008) - John Stevenson (XI); Mark Osborne (I)
3. Bolt (2008) - Chris Williams (IX); Byron Howard

The Music Hooligan is IN

I can't remember the last time I tore into a nice music lobster instead of my usual movie ones, but the 80s are making a comeback as you may know. And just like one can't help but admire the craftsmanship of the Bee Gees, politics aside, there seems to be this subcategory of 80s rock that I like to think of as... Motivation Rock? Motivational Rock? Damn! Already taken. But they describe it so perfectly. How about something lame like Motivation-IST Rock. The genre clearly started with Peter Gabriel's "On the Air." I guess its only saving grace is that it's too long.
Now I haven't given the Motivationist Rock genre as much study as it needs and/or deserves. The Onion probably has, but there's a short list of songs that clearly are Motivational Rock, etc. Just about anything by Survivor counts, but it's their signature song Eye of the Tiger that's tops. Of course, maybe it doesn't deserve to be the soundtrack to a corporate slide show, but there's also that Sammy Hagar Van Halen song with the music video of the Blue Angels. Surely the rock aficionados hate that one? Journey's Don't Stop Believin' also qualifies. But perhaps the best example of all is You're the Best by Joe Esposito which is used in the first Karate Kid movie over a montage of karate contestants at the big final tournament. That's clearly the gold standard of the Motivational Rock genre. But, like I said at the outset, greater minds than mine have already given this more thought than I and have their lists in hand, ready to cash in on a list-hungry public. But if you go to the gym like I do and they crank up something like Don't Stop Believin' over the P.A. system, you pretty much know what you're in for and you can't help but say to yourself "Oh, geez... Here we go."

Auteur Watch - Richard Donner

Sir Richard Donner undoubtedly has one of the great directing careers in recent Hollywood history, and he's still on track to flush it all down the toilet. Or maybe Mel Gibson's Public Image Rehabilitation Project has finally succeeded. I think they should start showing Braveheart for free on NBC or something. That would help. But as usual I digress. This was supposed to be about Donner... this all seems very familiar.
The main thing is, though, his installment of "The Directors" does him more justice. As a protege of Martin Ritt he started tentatively with an episode or six of The Twilight Zone. So far I've only seen The Jeopardy Room and what can I say? I liked it. They must've had a budget. It's not often a Twilight Zone ends with a... well, I don't want to give it away. He also moved on to do stuff for Hanna-Barbera like The Banana Splits, but managed to not let it define his career. The Omen was his first REALLY big movie; I didn't get to see Salt and Pepper. Damn, he busted his ass throughout the 60s!
But The Omen is definitely when his career started maturing, and to go from that to Superman, well, not many directors can boast that. Having tangled with the Salkinds and lost, he did some smaller pictures, Inside Moves and The Toy. Well, at least The Toy had star power to boot. Then, it was Ladyhawke and The Goonies and then the picture that would further change it all: Lethal Weapon. It was around this time that the Big 5 consolidated: Donner, Zemeckis, Walter Hill, David Giler and someone else. Oh yeah, Joel Silver, and they did Tales from the Crypt for HBO, Donner and Zemeckis saving the higher profile episodes for themselves. Looks like Zemeckis and Silver are the only ones left today.
If I had to guess favorite decade, that's a tough call. Maybe it's the 60s and the Golden Age, when he was lean and hungry. Or maybe it was how he weathered the go-go 80s and all its excesses. Or maybe the 90s with his streak of Radio Flyer, Lethal Weapon 3, Maverick, Assassins, Conspiracy Theory and finally petering out with Lethal Weapon 4. Hard to say. But if Jon Favreau couldn't get to the bottom of it, no one can.

Speaking of 'The View'...

Happy belated Valentine's Day, everybody! (And if this image doesn't get me into some kind of hot water, maybe THIS one still will.) Time to throw out all that cheap Valentine's Day crap and move on to St. Patrick's Day stuff. You know, I tend not to disagree with comedians, but I have a bone to pick with that one who said "I don't get Valentine's Day. Why do I have to pay for the love on one day that I get free for the rest of the year?" I'm probably not doing the quote justice, but c'mon ladies. You KNOW only a man would say that. But, you can't help but love us anyway, right?
And following in the Inverse Law of Box Office Holidays tradition started with the likes of The Silence of the Lambs, this week's box office finds America craving blood and guts. And who better to give 'em what they want than producer/director extraordinaire Michael Bay. I give up... is this a Friday the 13th reboot or what? Personally, I'm waiting for Friday the 13th Part 13. I mean, you'd THINK they'd be going for that, right? Well, that's why I only write about Hollywood.
Meanwhile, we've got a lot of the same old crap left over from last week, and THAT'S not terribly romantic! He's Just Not that Into You holds strong at #2. I guess this means a movie version of Greg Behrendt is Uncool is just around the corner. Taken takes the 3rd biggest haul this week, and I'm pretty sure the champagne's flowing at Luc's place. Not because he's celebrating, but because he's still steamed about the abject failure of the Arthur et les Minimoys series...
Coraline at #4. Why, I bet Tim Burton was in on it now! And at 5, producer Jerry Bruckheimer proves once again that he can commandeer the box office any time he sets his mind to it and... oh, wait. Anyway, Confessions of a Shopaholic debuts at #5, and somewhere Don Simpson is in hell right now, laughing his ass off. I think it's time for a film called Confessions of a Moviegoer. Might explain a lot of these top 10 lists!...
---As for the rest of you dregs...
At #7, Clive Owen's latest, The International, now rakes in 11 million instead of 10 like they said on Sunday. Damn! There really IS a conspiracy!
Pink Panther 2 at #8. Who knows, maybe it's funnier than Steve's latest appearance on SNL. Maybe Traitor had more laughs than both combined.
Push almost got pushed off the top 10 list, but in a way, that's good. Now I can't mention it at the end of the year when I pay homage to all the films that only lasted one week in the Top 10. Sorry, McGuigan, you got screwed by Icon! That's funny, I thought he did V for Vendetta.
But let's end on Slumdog Millionaire. How long can this damn thing last? It's been going great for the last 5. This might be its last week amongst the ever fickle Top 10, but I'm pretty sure I can hear someone frantically re-engraving a certain Best Picture Oscar...
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Auteur Watch Special Edition - Valentine's Day 2009

Welp, we've got 1 more hour of Valentine's Day here on the West Coast, but I already know it's too late for me. It may not be too late for you!
But what happens to a director when they've given birth to a movie, and suddenly it takes on a life of its own? Since we just ended with the Coen brothers, I believe it was on Blood Simple that Joel married Frances McDormand... and it's clearly been downhill ever since. Okay, bad example. Perhaps the best example is Ron Shelton's Bull Durham, where Tim Robbins met Susan Sarandon and they got married... didn't they? Close enough, right? And Kev thought he'd be the lucky guy! How's that happen? Of course, Ron himself lucked out with hot Canuck babe Lolita Davidovich.
There are plenty others. Lawrence Kasdan got Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates together soon after their work in I Love You to Death. Mike Newell got Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie together on Pushing Tin, and lemme tell ya, tin wasn't the only thing getting pushed on that set!... Oh, grow up. Sadly, Thorn-gelina didn't last, so Doug Liman begat Brangelina with Mr. & Mrs. Smith - the director's cut. Who else? Soderbergh begat Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas with Traffic, even though they weren't in a scene together. (Interesting trivia note!) And I think Joe Dante gets blamed by Steven Spielberg for getting Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan together on Innerspace. But why did it take so long? Unfortunately, it's the rare director who breaks up a marriage, and I'm afraid the blame in this case goes on Mangold!!! Spielberg himself tied the knot with the second Indiana Jones... rather, BASED on the second Indiana Jones. But why did he wait until Hook to do it? How unromantic. I bet Dreamscape is his least favourite movie. Maxim magazine, you know why. And of course, who can forget when Jared Hess got Napoleon Dynamite married to ... AMERICA! You know, it's not too late for the sequel.
Not that I've given it that much thought, but you know... it's the rare director who gets two right in a row, and that's Glenn Gordon Caron. First with Wilder Napalm, he gets Debra Winger and Pvt. Cowboy together. Then, with Love Affair, it's Warren Beatty and what's her face... the Columbia logo lady. Annette Bening, that's right! ...aw, shoot. No, I think it was Bugsy they got together on. But Love Affair is clearly the more romantic of the two, right, ladies? Then again, there is that one scene in Bugsy when he's eating dinner... Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister?? Excuse me for a second while I go blow my mind.....................................

Ah, but it ain't all bells and whistles. Not every director gets to take credit for a great romance. Take Harold Becker and The Boost. Better yet, better not. James Woods and Sean Young, they couldn't make it work off screen, but at least it's there on the screen. I saw some of it once. You can tell! You can tell it's a little more than just regular acting. Or maybe I'm just Monday morning quarterbacking again... Ben Stein wrote that? Interesting. Sounds like his Those Who Trespass. How far around the bend he's gone since then. And me personally, I like to think Hard to Kill was where Steven Seagal and Kelly LeBrock met and fell in love, but that would mean it was made about three years before it was released in theaters, which somehow doesn't seem that hard to believe. No, it was just a pet project of theirs. I'll bet Seagal swept Kelly off her feet by saying something romantic like "Hey, I just gotta have the Woman in Red! I earned it!" Or along the lines of "You know, I could snap your neck in two with one kick if I wanted. And you wouldn't even know it." Now, why couldn't those two forces of nature work it out?
Speaking of forces of nature, who's to blame for Sean Penn and Madonna? George Harrison? James Foley? Probably Foley. But Phil Joanou to the rescue with State of Grace. Man, all these tenuous connections are giving me whiplash.
Meanwhile, there's Tom Green and Drew Barrymore. Personally, I didn't care for it when Tom said after splitting with Drew that he's dating all kinds of Playboy models now. That's not nice. And it's unfair to the bunnies, exposing them to biohazards like that.

Well, it's almost midnight here. Damn, blogging takes up so much time! We've talked a lot about love and how it blossoms as movies are being made. But I'd like to end on the most romantic one of all IMHO. And I'm talking about James Keach and Jane Seymour, the most mystical of the Bond girls. And it is truly an act of love when the hubby goes to his wife and says "Hey, wouldja be in my crappy movie for me? You'll get points!" Trust me, ladies, take the cash up front instead of points.

Auteur Watch - Ethan Coen and Joel Coen

Well, SOMEONE's got to put Ethan first for a change!
Anyway, there they are. My boys at work doing they thang on their latest masterpiece, A Serious Man. And apparently principal photography finished up in November so they should have plenty of time to return to this year's Oscars and give David Fincher the Best Director Oscar. Some might say David owes them a little credit, at least stylistically.
And then after that, it's on to the next project. Which will it be? Will it be Suburbicon, which says it's in production? Or will it be Hail Caesar in pre-production? If I had to guess, I'd say Hail Caesar because there's names attached to it. Looks like Johnny Kastl dropped out. But who knows? Maybe he'll be back... Damn! Looks like Ralph Fiennes, don't he? Whatever happened to brother Joseph, speaking of brothers?
That Gambit remake seems to have dropped off their resumés. That's probably for the best. Then apparently, after these two films, they're all set to do The Yiddish Policemen's Union which won't be as far down in the Maltin guide as Zeimers in Zambezi. They're pairing up with über-producer Scott Rudin again, but as surely as the Oscars got sick of the Weinsteins I don't think Rudin's flying as close to the sun again. We can always hope. As for the Coens, well, there's that Coast to Coast thing you occasionally hear about where someone or something or some group uses a bunch of Einstein clones to try and take over the world. Then they've got an extremely violent Western with a chicken in it, and I figure they'll get to that circa 2017 or so. Watch out for the solar eclipse, guys!
http://www.youknow-forkids.com/

Nice going, guys! Now you've made Dakota Fanning cry!...

I mean, for God's sake! She's got TWO movies opening this week! Coraline and Push! Well, Coraline's the main one, really. They must've spent at least a ton hoisting that thing on an unsuspecting American public. But you know how it is. Mel Gibson's already spent the Jesus money. There's nothing like spending fresh new money. Hopefully Push didn't cost all that much. But Icon Productions already took a page from Happy Madison's playbook and look where it got them! Incidentally, is it out on DVD yet?
--But that's not the only shocker this week. Pink Panther 2 debuts at... what was it? #4? Pathetic. Guess Steve should've hosted SNL the week OF its release, rather than the week before. You know, maybe it's just me, but the more I dwell on it, the more I think that SNL's done more harm than good lo these many 35 years or so. When you look at all the has-beens that show's cranked out: Joe Piscopo, Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller. And furthermore, John Belushi DEAD. Chris Farley DEAD. Didn't the show used to be funny? Didn't the writing used to be kinda smart? They don't even have 1-dimensional bits anymore!
Sorry, folks, I've been feeling a little down lately. Plus, there's a fresh batch of snow I'll get to dig my way out of. So where were we? Despite the massive campaigning this week, the underdog makes it to #1, and it's... What Have you done for me lately? No, I'm sorry, it's called He's Just Not That Into You. I'm telling you, we'll never hear the end of it. I like Dana Carvey's take on it: if you're not into Scarlet Johansson, you're probably gay. I mean, she was assembled at a sex factory, for God's sake! (his words) On the other hand, what's with her hair? Talk about anti-sexy. Talk about an anti-aphrodisiac, what have you. Meanwhile, poor Jennifer Aniston. She thought it was a new episode of Friends. Hard to say if this will help director Ken Kwapis' career. I mean, Joel Zwick did My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and he's not exactly making that pet project about the train wreck in a coal mine that he's had in a drawer for 25 years! He had a chance to make it back in the day but Charlie Sheen had to be in Platoon! Not that they're bitter...
What else worth noting? All in all, a decent week at the box office. America is still smitten by Taken, no surprise there. Each movie had a pretty good haul and... oh no. Now I have to study which movies made more than 10 million dollars! So much to study, so little time.

Pre-Oscar Hindsight: Grand Theft Auto Parsons

Ah! At last I can say I knew... SAW him when! Michael Shannon, star of Grand Theft Parsons and many others. As you all SHOULD know, he's the Oscar nominee for Best Supporting Actor in Revolutionary Road. Normally I don't care for melodrama, unless it's done well. Like in Just Married. Also, the Oscar voting block should ignore Kangaroo Jack and Let's Go to Prison, but I digress. If there was one you'd want to see off his resumé, make it Grand Theft Parsons. A simple story, simply told. Much like Electra Glide in Blue, but not so pretentious. And, as an added bonus, it's based on a true story! It's about a man named Phil Kaufman, and NO, he didn't go on to direct The Right Stuff, etc. No, this particular Phil Kaufman has to fulfill an oath to his rocker friend and client Gram Parsons, that whoever dies first, the other will burn their dead body... I mean, last earthly vessel in the desert where they once had a powerful religious experience. Well, it was the late 60s, and it was a more mystical time.
And that pretty much sums it up. Guess I should've put SPOILERS. But it's really about the journey, ultimately, and if I haven't said so already, the film harkens back to a simpler time, mainly when computers weren't so advanced, and things were more mellow. And believe me, there are worse ways to spend an hour and a half.
Still, when you watch a movie like this, you can't help but think to yourself, who should be playing these parts? For example, Johnny Knoxville... well, frankly, he did a pretty good job. I can't see Steve-O playing the part any better. Johnny was okay. And hey, sometimes you just can't get George Clooney. And Michael Shannon's part, I couldn't help but think it was written for Steven Wright. And Mr. Shannon at times sure seems to be channeling the energy of Steven Wright. But, only time will tell if Son of the Mask was the better choice. Jury's still out.
Someone said that Robert Forster was wasted in this movie. Obviously they haven't seen Me, Myself & Irene. And besides! The guy's gotta eat! I'll say it for you, Bobby. Incidentally, looking at his resumé, check out his character name in Firewall. That worked out well! Almost as lucky as Steve Buscemi's character in Desperado.
As for Clint Culp, well, I think he was suited for the role. He's the cop at the airport. They couldn't get Tobey Maguire, you see. And if I'm not mistaken, he may have a small part in this movie, but in the world of TV commercials, he's a god. My personal favorite: he plays an onion that can't fall asleep... something like that. I've got the still somewhere. Second favorite? Homeland Security almost arrests him in a DiGiorno ad. Well, give them a break! They're trying to catch Osama bin Laden, and even they are bound to think it's delivery.
Who else? They couldn't get Amy Smart to play Gram Parsons' ex, so they got... whoever. And I liked Michael Gregory as the tough-as-nails motorcycle cop who gets overruled by the hero's sheer willpower. Sorry, I'm not giving that plot development away. They couldn't get Richard Portnow, but who's splitting hairs but me, right?
And finally, Christina Applegate, in a pre-Anchorman turn. She's positively luminescent as Gram Parson's OTHER ex who's just trying to get her fraction of the estate. I would say they wanted to get Jennifer Aniston, but I dunno. The character's awful mean, and Aniston doesn't do mean. She's a star! Why would she want to be mean? No! No mean! ...that's all I care to remember at this point. Oh yeah, the same eagle sound was a little redundant, but that's just me. Fine desert cinematography. Despite my review, I still say check it out. Over and out!

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Joe Carnahan

All right, let's crank this out. I've procrastinated long enough... again! Kinda looks like David Morse, don't he? Well, fortunately ol' Joe Carnahan got to quit his day job as Morse's stand-in on such features as Inside Moves and 16 Blocks. He's a big-shot director now! He doesn't have to take anybody's crap anymore. No, we all have to take his, as a matter of fact! That's how big the man is.
Starting off as writer of such indie circuit hits as Taco Heaven and Karate Raider, he hit it big with his homage to Guy Ritchie called Blood Guts Bullets and Octane. Something like that. Fortunately, Ritchie dropped his lawsuit and Carney was able to settle into a nice, less luminous directing career, with such cop dramas as Narc and Pride and Glory, which he just wrote. He struck gold again with Smokin' Aces, and is soon to strike direct-to-video gold with the sequel. Let's hope Piven's mercury poisoning clears up so he can participate, huh? Did he actually get killed in the first one? I don't know. But if Carney's as good of a screenwriter as I think he is, he'll be able to write him back from the dead. An Otto Preminger remake is next for Joe, called Bunny Lake is Missing. Might be lucky! I gotta go...

No, not that one...

Cool! The cat came in, stepped on the keyboard, and now I have to start all over! I didn't know that could happen. Well, like Alanis Morrisette says, you live, you learn. And if someone as jaded and worldly as her says that it's GOT to be true.
Oh well, I wasn't too far into it anyway. But let's dive right back in.
--
Once again the Luc Besson juggernaut swoops down like the proverbial bull in a china shop and hijacks the American market. Honestly, I don't know how we can keep up. Can you believe they're already up to Taxi 4 on their side of the pond? Oh, it makes us look like a bunch of rubes. Well, we mustn't overwork Jimmy Fallon, right? But like any great producer / director, and there's a bit of a list, believe me, they direct the Alpha projects themselves, but seriously. Arthur et les Minimoys? THAT's the Alpha project, Luke? I guess Angel-A didn't need a sequel, huh? Even he has his limits. Anyway, back to the here and now. Taken is all the rage at the Box Office. Well, you gotta give the people something, and this time, Lincoln thrusting nails into a bad guy's legs is that something. Why do I keep thinking of Darkman? Must just be me.
---
And now, back to American products. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. And Paul Blart ... uh-oh, here comes the cat again! I took precautions this time... Damn! Just spilled my coffee. Pardon me a minute.
Anyway, Paul Blart siphons off the 2nd biggest helping of American box office methane, to the tune of 10 million less than Taken. Oh, I just don't like the look of those numbers. But that's the risks of the high stakes game known as the Top 10. See, if his name was Paul Klart, people would say, well, it still rhymes with Fart, but it sounds too European. Also, K-Mart would sue. Flart's too easy, Plart's too unbelievable, same with Slart, Ulart sounds Dutch, Glart too German... This further seems like the kind of film produced at Cal-Arts by a hot young twenty something who then turns it into a feature film, which promptly fizzles out, forcing them to return home to Montana because they didn't really want to be a filmmaker anyway. Too Hollywood.
--
At #3, it's The Unborn. Oh wait, that was a couple weeks ago. This week, it's The Uninvited. Yes, that Liz Banks is the new Liz Shue, but where's her Back to the Future 2 and 3? ...Oh right. Close enough. And this new brother-sister directing team, whatever they are, the Guards, I think we'll be hearing a lot more about them. From someone else, not me.
---
At #4, people are still checking in to the Hotel for Dogs. And look at these numbers! Look at them! It debuts two weeks ago at #5, rises to #4, and STAYS at #4! Good numbers. I think Cheadle's last, Traitor, had similar staying power, but ... but that's the past, and this is now. Never look back. Is there seriously not going to be an Ocean's 14? That's so sad.
--
Meanwhile at #5, it's Quizno's Gran Torino. Too greasy for my taste. As for the rest, well, the only new one is the next Fargo homage. Yes, it's Renee Zellweger's New in Town. Shouldn't she be directing these turkeys herself by now? No no, she's still far too pretty for that, but she could if she wanted to, believe me. Yeah, everyone wants to remake Fargo, but people forget. It was a cult hit, and cult hits don't make the big bucks or even get the big ad campaigns or good distribution deals. And MGM gets the video distribution rights, which these days is almost like the film was never made at all. I gotta go. Any questions? Did I forget something? Let me know...

Short Reviews - Jan. '09

Ever had one of those months? Yep, 2009 is shaping up to be The Year of the Ormond. Kicking it off with Benjamin Button, then with Surveillance and Kill Che: Vol. I & II in the can and ready to go... she is back with a vengeance, baby! It's 1995 all over again, and Sabrina has returned.
...wait! Did I say that already? Well, it bears repeating, don't it? Meanwhile, the Lara Croft series is getting a Hulk-like reboot, WITHOUT Jolie. So who to replace the pneumatic Jolie? How about Jennifer Aniston? Oh, snap! Get Vadim Perelman to direct. Actually, maybe Ormond would be up for it. She does have sufficient buzz within the bizz and ... judging from these recent photos, it looks like she's trying out for American Gladiators. As much as I hate to say it, she really is an Iron-Jawed Angel now. All right, on to the movies.

Angel at the Fence - With James Frey as Herman Rosenblat

An Unfinished Life - With Damian Lewis as Gary Winston

AntiTrust - with Tim Robbins as Gary Winston

Better Living through Killing - Sounds like a real piece of crap. I mean, sounds like it's no Eating Raoul or The Last Supper or Motel Hell or 2001 Maniax... or maybe it is! I don't know. Could someone else find out for me? Who was NOT part of the cast or crew?
...lemme tell you something! If the IMDb doesn't even have your movie...

Bend it like Beckham - with Gary Winston Lineker as himself...

Paul Blart - Mall Cop... hoh boy. Was Larry the Cable Guy so busy? Then it could be Larry the Cable Guy: Mall Cop. Or make it Mall cop / Health Inspector. Pardon me if I skip the whole thing.

Without a Paddle 2 - Couldn't they wait a little longer for the video sequel no one wanted? Like Bachelor Party 2?

The International - Run Clive Run!

Lesbian Vampire Killers - Diablo Cody's suing...

Blind Dating - Getting It Right, with the blindness angle?

Last Orders - Sequel to Mona Lisa?

Out on a Limb (2005) - No, that's not it.

Out On a Limb(1950) - No, that's not it.

Out on a Limb (1992) - No, that's DEFINITELY not it.

Out on a Limb (1987) - THAT'S the one!

Mardi Gras - Hasn't New Orleans suffered enough already?

Quantum Leap: A Leap to Di For - I take back what I said about Better Living Through Killing. What next, a Quantum Leap that saves Joey Buttafuoco?

Taken - Liam Neeson driving nails into someone's legs? No. Not the next Lincoln. Not from the Ph.D.-holding screenwriter of The Karate Kid.
...well, I guess he's done worse.

Coraline - How good can it be if Tim Burton doesn't want anything to do with it?

I Love You, Man - Probably doesn't live up to the phrase.

Wacko - Low budget The 'burbs.

Push - Like Jumper, but a whole lot less fun...

Drop Zone - Now Pappas is the Bodhi!

Bullet - This is tainting the Oscar voting pool, Mickster...