U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Well, the battle is on again for the soul of the non-union working class. Who will win? Oh, God, PLEASE let it be the corporations. It's called the Culture of Life, not Better Quality of Life! That's too much work.
Speaking of looking through the bent back tulips, Bruce Willis is going to have a very busy 2006 indeed! With or without Ashton Kutcher, or for that matter, M. Night WhatsHisName. And without Sin City 2 or 3!!! Well, maybe he's in negotiations. But there are sequels in his future, namely Die Hard 4, or as they seem to be calling it: Die Hard 4.0: Die Hardest. Oh, and I thought it was just a far-off dream. They say there's script troubles... well, troubles, if you call Bruce Willis just not wanting to come off looking like a jerk 'troubles''! I mean, is that too much to ask? Anyway, from what I understand, my insider Hollywood source tells me that this time Detective John McClane squares off with the winner of Freddy vs. Jason. It'll be a beautiful thing if it happens. No one has seen the likes of this kind of conflagration of great movie franchises ever! And they say there are no new ideas in Hollywood. Actually, I did see something like it, but it was that ad for Universal Studios movies, where each letter of the word Universal had a different movie in it. Maybe it'll be like that. All flash and no pan.
In the meantime, Bruce has no time to worry about 16 Blocks, and how it's stinking up the box office, because the new one is... Lucky Number Slevin? Is that what it said? It's the New Age alphabet with 7s turned every which way to form other letters... There's probably a website dedicated to letter-turning, somewhere. No time to look for it now! At least it's not based on another one of those damn graphic novels! Oops...
In other news, the Weitzs are at it again. Either that, or they're splitting up to try it on their own, it looks like! This time it's American Dreamz. Well, as David Spade would say, I liked it the first time... when it was called Chasing Liberty! Although the cute Mandy Moore is doing a stretch this time: she's NOT playing the President's daughter this time! WOW! I mean, where can you go from there, role-wise? Geena Davis tried the President thing, look what happened!

In other news, Thank you For Smoking is taking it to the next level. Or, just running the cast trailer. Hey, it's not just Aaron Eckhart, folks. It's Robert Duvall doing Richard Dreyfuss, or reprising his role from A Civil Action. Maria Bello! Wm. H. Macy! It's The Cooler 2! Too much excitement. I gotta go. :)

Global Warning

To save myself some time I found the transcript of last week's final New Rule on Politically Incorrect... I mean, Real Time with Bill Maher. When's that other one coming out on DVD?
Anyway, the transcript was on this web page and people were posting their feeble rebuttals: oh, it's all soluble CO2, Maher's a damn dirty long-haired hippie, what have you. No one willing to concede, willing to think about the message, or willing to see how low this administration is willing to stoop to quash science. But enough about that, here it is in all its unabashed glory. Only one swear in it! See if you can find it...


And finally, 'New Rule,' nobody can use the phrase 'our greatest problem' anymore unless you're talking about global warming [applause]. President Bush has been saying we're in 'a war on terror' and now I get it: He's not saying 'terror,' he's saying 'terra,' as in terra firma, as in the Earth. George Bush is an alien sent here to destroy the Earth [laughter and applause]. I know it sounds crazy, but it made perfect sense when Tom Cruise explained it to me last week. (laughter)
Now last week on 60 Minutes, James Hansen, who is NASA's leading expert on the science of climate, delivered the world's most important message. He said, 'we have to, in the next ten years, begin to decrease the rate of carbon dioxide emissions and then flatten it out.' If that doesn't happen in ten years, we're going to be passing certain tipping points. If the ice sheets begin to disintegrate, what can you do about it? You can't tie a rope around an ice sheet -- although I know a certain cowboy from Crawford who might think you could.
And that cowboy and his corporate goons at the White House tried to censor Mr. Hansen from delivering that message, claiming such warnings were 'speculative.' This from the crowd that rushed into a war based on an article in The Weekly Standard [applause.] This from the guy who thinks Kyoto is that Japanese Emperor dude his dad threw up on [laughter].
Global warming is not speculative. It threatens us enough so it should be considered a national security issue. Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction -- and that's what global warming is -- in order to protect oil company profits, well that fits for me the definition of treason and codified treason [applause]. The guy in the White House who made the edits was Phil Cooney, who had been an oil industry lobbyist before given this job as head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality. That's the office that is supposed to be watching out for us. But that's where Phil busied himself crossing stuff out in scientists' reports because apparently in Phil's mind he hadn't switched jobs. He was just doing his old job -- oil industry lobbyist -- from a different office. You know, in the people's house.
Republicans have succeeded in making the environment about some tie-died dude from Seattle who lives is a solar-powered yurt and eats twigs. It's not. This issue should be driven by something conservatives are much more familiar with: utter selfishness. That's my motivation. I don't want to live my golden years having to put on a haz-mat suit just to go down and get the mail. Those are my Viagra years [laughter] when I'll be thinking about having children. [Jason Alexander laughs] But I wouldn't know what to tell a kid about our world in twenty years. 'Dad, tell me about the birds and bees.' 'They're all gone, now eat your soylent green.'
We are letting dying men kill our planet for cash and they're counting on us being too greedy or distracted, or just plain lazy, to stop them. So on this day, the 17th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill, let us pause to consider how close we are to making ourselves fossils from the fossil fuels we extract. In the next twenty years, almost a billion Chinese people will be trading in their bicycles for the automobile. Folks, we either get our $hi** together on this quickly, or we're going to have to go to Plan B: Inventing a car that runs on Chinese people! [laughter]

-------------
In movie news, there's a new Slither! Looks like Dreamcatcher, li'l bit. (they don't have the shoebox thing there! Dang...) Me, myself, I prefer the old Slither, even though I haven't seen it in a while. In the TV ad, they have a quote from Eli Roth on how great the film is. Who does he think he is, Peter Jackson? TV commercials have come a long way, gore-wise. First, zombie pirates pushing burgers, now this!

Box Office Report 3/26/'06

Ah, time once again for the latest Movie Hooligan Box Office analysis / wrap-up. Only Daily Variety gives more in-depth coverage to such things.
Well, let's get right to work, shall we? At number 10, it's 16 Blocks with 2.21 million dollars, and it's 6th cumulative over-all. Well, I've already said all there is to say about it, 'coz ATL's on the horizon now, b'atch!! But before I do, I did notice there's like 20 producers on this movie. So if, theoretically, this wins Best Picture, do those 20 people get to go up to the podium?
Moving on. At #9, it's Eight Below, STILL the #1 cumulative total of our Top 10 with a paltry 77.2 million!! Well, it ain't summer yet. People are saving up for then, when all their kids are out of school and need a place to spend a couple hours while... See that, Dick? This is Paul's revenge for Timeline!
#8 brings us The Hills Have Eyes with 4.25mil, making it 5th Total Box Office-wise. I don't know how good it really is, but I know one thing: it ain't no Saw 2.
#7 was Larry the Cable Guy's movie!!! Oh, strewth. It's #10 cumulonimbus Box Office-ly, but I guess that's not totally fair because this is its opening week. Still, what's the deal, Red States? C'mon! Let's ante up here! Are you TRYING to win the Culture War or not?
#6 was the Box Office's red-headed stepchild, She's the Man. And of course, it is based on Shakespeare. Doesn't that guy have enough money? He's a busier script doctor than ... help me out here. Bruce Vilanch? Robert McKee? Ross McElwee? Nah, too obscure...
Moving on: #5 was The Shaggy Dog. Man, I coulda swore that marquee said "Shaggy Dog ends Thursday" but Disney got wind of it and they changed it to the more friendly Ice Age 2 starts Friday. Now THAT's gonna clean up!
#4 is that B.O. stalwart, Failure to Launch. It's the Movie's Movie. Home video's Friend. And with the 2nd highest cumulative Box Office total, it's proved that it has staying power, just like How to lose a guy in 10 days. Is this not worth something? Doesn't McC deserve to be in the 20 million club with Jim Carrey, John Travolta and Will Ferrell?
#3 was Stay Alive with 11.2 mil in the can, making it #9 overall, but to be fair this is also its opening week, along with Larry the Cable Guy. Guess fart jokes aren't as popular as deadly video games, who knew.
#2 is V for Vendetta with a stellar 12.3 million dollars. I say stellar because it's exactly 12.3 million dollars more than I'll ever make! (Oh, don't feel sorry for me, folks, it's all wishful thinking. I'm probably one of those people who shouldn't be rich; just wish I could cover the bills a little better.) Don't you see what's happening here, people? 16 Blocks? Eight Below? V for Vendetta? This is all the work of that most secret cabal of all, the Sesame Street Gestapo! They're trying to get us to LEARN! Using letters and numbers at every turn. When does it all end? Why, it's the kind of thing that would make Agent Smith vomit from sheer frustration.
And finally we get to #1. Saving the best for last, savoring every last step to the top. The Big Uno! Satchmo! And it's none other than Spike Lee's remake of The Bone Collector. ..oh dear, just waiting on an ad for The Da Vinci Code... Ah, there we go! Well, what can you say? Spike's still got it! Or is it, Spike's still gotta have it? Courtesy of cameraman Matthew Libatique, Darren's guy from way back, [and forward! (They're still waiting on The Fountain) ] Spike brings us a tale of mystery, intrigue, and basically, white people gone crazy! I mean, whazzup w/dat? Fortunately, Denzel brings his brand of mojo to the proceedings to cool things down. I still wanna see Denzel and Ford do a pic like this together, where they BOTH track down the bad guy, out-acting each other all the way. I'd pay twice to see it twice!
Well, that's it for this week's Box Office Report. What to do while waiting for next week's Box Office Report? Stay tuned for next week's Box Office Report.

WHEN MOVIES ATTACK ...

Well, fell back on that ancient showbiz rule. When in a pinch for a movie-related Jpeg file, go with the toilet scene from Lethal Weapon 2. Everybody wins!
Meanwhile, I forgot one of the most important, Latest and Greatest, films on the movie horizon, and no, it's not the long touted Wild Wild West sequel. It is, in fact, Nacho Libre (aka School of Rock 2) starring Jack Black. It's the sophomore project of the Napoleon Dynamite team; looks like they got nothing else on their plate, so everything's riding on this one! Could be too much pressure for some. Here's hoping they don't go the way of the Farrellys, heh heh... Don't do it, Jeff!!!
In other news, they trotted out that old footage of one of them bridges getting blowed up good in True Lies, and Tom Arnold saying "Bingo!" They blew a grand opportunity to show Ah-nold saying "Put me through to the White House", but maybe that's just me. But that's how it works here: you can blow up the bridges, but can't let Cuban people cross it. You may disagree with what Fidel Castro says, but you gotta admit he's one vivacious old man! He'll out-live us all. Make him President of the AARP as well.
Anyway, this news story caught my attention, about a teenage film crew filming a hostage sequence at a local post office. No downside, right? Right, except for the part where the police take it for real, and surround the post office. Dang! Even after the local postmaster gave the kids permission and everything. Awk-warrrrrrrd! The film is called Rolling Thunder, and Devon Menendez, the film's director says he's not accepting any more offers to direct. Hey, kid, keep your chin up! Your career can get better! At least you're not in Bronwen Hughes territory. Or, worse yet, Matthew Meshekoff-Land. Or, perhaps even worse, Humpty Dumpty-ville. The first rule of the DGA... you DO NOT DIS THE DGA!!!

More Movies on the Horizon

No "The WØRD" tonight on the Colbert Report! I'm in withdrawals! I guess I'm a Conservative kinda fella that way, depending on rigid structures to things. Then again, it was a pretty special episode.
So what's coming up? My attention on the matter isn't very consistent anymore, but there's a couple sticking up and out, beyond the fray. Benchwarmers, for example. This will be Strike Two 2006 for Allen Covert, but maybe there's plenty of room for (his) redemption in the halls of Happy Madison International. Anyway, back to the cast. The usual lot of sports cameos, and maybe the lovely Rachel Hunter will stop by and enlighten the proceedings, but let's face facts: it's Heder's movie to make or break. Give 'em hell, N.D.! You too, Deuce Bigalow (not as much...)
Stay Alive is still having the hell promoted out of it. I think I'll just wait for the video game.
Meanwhile, Find me Guilty didn't even make a dent in the Top 10! Whazzup w/that?
What else we got? We got Brooklyn Lobster, and Thank you for Smoking: I don't know. Normally I'd like an in-your-face ironic title like that. I guess I'm just disappointed that Neil LaBute didn't direct it. This could've been the next Nurse Betty.
Lindsay Lohan and Meryl Streep in the same photo? Moviefone's got all the answers. Meanwhile, Robert Altman's working on a sequel to Aria called 8. Ever since the Oscars, I still think about that scene from All that jazz...

On March 31st.....

Hey! I know how to draw some attention to this blog. Now, Bill O'Reilly... Need I say more? He might've been gratified when, on Keith Olbermann's Countdown, they talked about how he's the Fox News equivalent of Walter Cronkite. More importantly, he's a force, affecting the national dialogue... something like that. All right, moving on.
Well, a timeline has been set, and we're mere HOURS away from the release of BI2, baby! Now Eszterhas-Free (TM). No, instead, who they do have in the script department is a husband/wife team, so it better reflect that on the silver screen, guys! This dynamic duo is Leora Barish and Henry Bean. See that, kids? Dreams really do come true! I think it's probably because of "K Street", or their very tentative tangential connection to Section 8 Productions. The last episode of K Street dealt with Jack Abramoff's white-washing of K Street, making it a Democrat-free Zone, right? Anyway, back to the movie at hand. I don't know who exactly is excited about this sequel coming out, (originally intended as a direct-to-video sequel featuring Steven Seagal and Daryl Hannah in the leads) but I think it's a rare business opportunity. It's been 14 years since the last one. Do we have to wait another 14 years for Basic Instinct 3? In this, what is surely to be known as the Milf Age, I say bring it on! Can't Sharon Stone have a retirement plan too?
The original was directed by Paul Verhoeven, and the new one by Michael Caton-Jones. I'm not exactly sure that's an improvement. ...just kidding, it is, although I don't think The Jackal was an improvement on the original, but I did recognize some of the things they lifted verbatim from it. As for Doc Hollywood, did he do more with it than Jonathan Lynn would've done? I'll leave that for the professional critics to decide. Ooh, how about Herbert Ross? Ah, skip it. OTOH, we'll always have Memphis Belle and This Boy's Life. I would see City by the Sea if only for Franny McD, but I just can't put in the effort like I used'ta could.
Not much else to say about it, I guess. They couldn't give a role to Jeanne Tripplehorn? Guess she's too busy doing that whole Tripple-duty thing over on Big Love right now. Okay, we get it. There's problems with polygamy. Internal strife and external drive-by cross burnings. The triplicate picture here of Katherine Harris doesn't exactly tie in to the whole Basic Instinct thing, and it's too late at night for me to try, but I do attest to the fact that she's a formidable femme fatale in her own right, and I'm afraid I have to concur with the Daily Show's assertion: she's trying to use Mammary Hypnosis to win the vote, if not distract from her face. Good night, America!

Box Office Report, and Scientology vs. South Park

I'm not a big fan of South Park myself, but I'm in favor of anything that takes Scientology to task. Bowfinger did it, The Simpsons sorta did it with the Movementarians, who else? 1984?
Okay, let's take this week's box office to task. Welp, the War of Colors has a victor! Maybe true love does exist in the world after all, as Aquamarine bitch-slapped Resident Evil 2 1/2 off of the top 10. And with only 2.11 million dollars! What an anemic box office.
Coming in at #9, still the Cumulative Total champ, it's The Pink Panther. Remember it next year at Oscar time, folks! Madea 2 holding strong at #8; it's the 3rd biggest Cumulative total. Could Madea 3 be in the works? Is there any doubt?
At #7 it's Eight Below, the second biggest total money maker at 73 million total. How? I'm not up on my demographics, maybe it's the Tiger Beat crowd or something. All I know is, Paul Walker's critical success, Running Scared, ain't doing no biz! And that's a shame. But, that's the Hollywood game for you. Same thing happened to Reese Witherspoon last year. Her big Hollywood blockbuster was Walk the Line, while the small independent critical success was... what was it called? Just Like Heaven? Yeah, that's what it was. Boy, a lotta people are gonna be very disappointed when they find out the truth about the afterlife.
At #6 is 16 Blocks, which is also #6 in terms of most accumulated total overall. Need more be said? I think not. I'll wait for Sam and George, Richard. (And you'll have to wait for Apocalypto and Mad Max 4!!)
At #5 is another horror remake, The Hills Have Eyes. (#7 cumulative total) Well, Wes must be happy about that. I hear they're going to remake Vampire in Brooklyn. Not so happy about that. Still waiting on Paris, je t'aime, guys!!!
#4 is "All That" alumnus Amanda Bynes' latest, She's the Man. Not quite up to Lindsay Lohan's box office snuff, but then again, neither is she lately...
#3 is ... oh yeah, She's the Man is #10 cumulative wise! Weak, weak and double weak! But time will tell. At #3 is The Shaggy Dog. Is it a remake? Ah, who cares...
Hey! Long live The Wibberleys! They go where Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio fear to tread...
#2 brings us Failure to Launch, only 4th cumulative-wise but still going strong. Who's seeing this movie? I already tore it a new one by calling it How to lose a guy in 10 days II. No such plan is in the works, unless it's a direct-to-video release with French Stewart and Ashlee Simpson reprising the roles. Hey, gotta start somewhere!
Nevertheless, let's hear it for Tom Dey who managed to survive the bitter aftermath of Showtime (the movie, not the channel, which oddly enough seems only to be showing on HBO.... the channel, not the movie. ...?)

And finally, it's not V for Victory, although that certainly is appropriate, but rather V for Vendetta! To this victor go the spoils. And what spoils indeed! #1 at the office, albeit only #8 in the cumulative scheme of things. Well, it's not Spielberg we're talking about here. Disturbia? Sounds interesting. Maybe Joe Dante's slated to direct. ..nah, no such luck.

Man, did that take a lot of work! But in the end it's all worth it. :)

Auteur Watch: Darren Aronofsky

Damn! I don't have it. I thought I taped it when the pre-Oscars show was on. Rachel Weisz was being interviewed and Darren was hanging back, waiting for her to finish. They're married! Hopefully, the new Oscar-gap won't hurt their marriage, as with Alec and Kim. Anyway, so tonight's still photo is instead from when P.S. Hoffman was being interviewed, and I saw Joel Coen in the background. I guess Ethan didn't attend, since Tricia Cooke wasn't nominated.
But back to Darren. Pi being his low-budge debut, and Requiem for a Dream being the big Hollywood debut, Darren's been taking it easy for a while. The Fountain seems to be taking a while to complete in post-production; is that a good thing? There's a couple irons in the fire, Flicker, and Lone Wolf and Cub. Sounds New-Age. ..oh dear, just read about it. Another graphic novel adaptation, but this time about a samurai. Samurais must be the new cyborgs or something.
All right! There's movement. Not on Hail Caesar yet, but the cast is being hammered out for No Country for Old Men. Sa-weeeet! Keep up the good work, guys.
In the latest watchings, saw some of Son of the Mask. Ick! Puerile! Hideous! I still have a little respect left for the first one, but man! What a waste on this second one. Might've been better if he never tried on the mask at all. Peter Guber might've liked that; I'm sorry, I meant Jon Peters. I think I'll have to do Lawrence Guterman in the next (brief) installment of Auteur Watch.

Audience Reaction at Carlos Mencia concert

I tell ya, that woman doesn't seem too thrilled about the proceedings, but it was brave of them to show all points of view. It occurred to me that we should get Carlos Mencia (Ned Holness?? Guess that sorta explains the NED LOS vanity logo) and Charles S. Dutton, and Tom Arnold and, who else, let's say Margaret Cho, get them in a ring together, hold a fund-raiser and call it the "Celebrity Deathmatch to End Racism". And if Carlos doesn't like that one, tough luck, because I paid Bruce Vilanch top dollar for it, so screw you!
What else? Anyway, on to movie news. The onslaught of new movies continues relentlessly, unrelenting. If I remember correctly, Jodie Foster once snubbed Cannes because she was working on Panic Room, but mostly because she got on the Freedom Fries bandwagon bigtime, but she's back, baby! Even more back than Flightplan, and the movie's title is ... Contact 2: Interstellar Boogaloo! No, it's the new action flick with Denzel called (The) Inside Man. Oy, Spike Lee's latest, here we go. When was the last time he had a #1 hit? Even he's not keeping track anymore. I'm still waiting for Crooklyn 2: Electric Crook-a-loo. The movie will be one long in-yo-face shouting match in blazing digital video, bitch! The companion piece that we've been waiting for all these years.
Meanwhile, a new ad campaign is on the horizon. Perhaps you saw it on Yahoo, and it's called V for Vendetta. Apparently, according to my sources, Sue Grafton had nothing to do with it. Of course, I'm still steamed about Lolly Madonna XXX. What a ripoff! I can think of at least three things wrong with that title! But back to the film at hand... the Wachowskis? Are you kidding me? I guess they got out of the directing game already. Must be training the next generation of directors. Which one of them's a chick now? Anyway, this is McT's big chance. All those years of grunt work have finally paid off, and now the pressure's totally on you, boi-ee! I notice the tag line of the film is "remember, remember the 5th of November." Unfortunately, the re-tooling of the pic delayed that, so now it's something less threatening. I mean "You just haven't seen the likes of March 17" just doesn't play as well.
One last movie to get to. On the heels of the 50th Anniversary of 12 Angry Men we have Sidney Lumet's latest courtroom saga, Find me Guilty. Well, it may be better than ... what was that 2003 Vin Diesel project again? A Man Apart, something like that. 2005 gave us The Pacifier; I knew there was something for 2005. The point is, the jury system just doesn't work. Movies have proved that for years now. All those involved in this one, however, might have to look past this one and look ahead. Whistle for Lumet, Hannibal for Diesel. Maybe they'll go toe to toe the same week!
Okay, enough of that. Bedtime for me now. 'night, mother!

Simpson, J snubs Dubya?

Maybe she's not so dumb after all!
Man, I can't get into this Morning Multi-tasking thing at all. Gotta keep it short for my boss's sake. That place'd fall apart w/out me.

Let me just kinda, uh, steal the text from the story...

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Concerned about politicising her favourite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S.

President George W. Bush

President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.
The apparent final word that Simpson would be a no-show at a major Republican fund-raiser with Bush and congressional leaders on Thursday night came after a day of conflicting reports from her camp and organisers of the event.

--------------------and now, back to me...
Karl Rove was most disappointed of all because he thought he'd get to do the whole Political Groupie Audition racket on Simpson. Who knew, but it's probably for the best. In any event, you go girl. Someone's gotta take a stand somewhere, but be careful. Sales of the Dukes of Hazard DVD must've petered out already. Hope you saved some money, 'coz now you're in league with the Dixie Chicks!

Gittin 'R Done at the Box Office

It's finally arrived. Larry the Cable Guy's big movie. And I can't believe it! John Cherry's NOT directing? What a slap in the face! There's no one more qualified than him. I did hear that Bruce Vilanch ghost-wrote the movie, though. Strange rumours out there.
Anyway, let's take the usual quickie glance at the Box Office. What an anemic week. However, it's the only time that two colors made the top ten in my recent memory: Ultraviolet and Aquamarine. Bitchin'! The Pink Panther has the biggest cumulative total of the top ten, a paltry 74 million in chump change, followed by Eight Below with 66. Boy, am I not up on my movie demographics! Between those two, I just don't know what to think.
Nice to see that Richard Donner can still crack the top 5 at least. Here's a toast to hoping he gets back into the A-List projects like Superman and Lethal Weapon, er... The Omen.
And finally, who can forget the big push for Failure to Launch. Another testament to the power of, well, just a total bombardment of advertising. News shows, newspapers, novelizations available at airport gift shops, exclusive cast interviews on your blackberry, what have you. Well, it was worth every million spent, because it paid off big time. 24 million, baby! An opening for the March record books, no question.
Well, that's it for me. Way way past my bedtime, but I did catch a little of Clueless on Comedy Central. Ah, the good old days when Alicia Silverstone was the star, and Paul Rudd and Brittany Murphy were but Rising Stars to Be. Oh, little BM! You won't be an ugly duckling forever. Who's on top now, baby? Not Stacey Dash, that's for sure. :)

A Post-Oscar America

Well, there you have it. The Red States' description of Hollywood has come to pass: a Godless hell-hole where gays and minorities and all the other usual wrong people run things in defiance of the one true lord... oh, wait. Brokeback Mountain didn't win! It was CRASH. For best picture, a red state favourite, obviously. Personally I think it should've won for Best Ensemble Cast. That should be a new Oscar. In any case, that's my new system for picking the Oscars, the 1 to 5 system. I called a few of them on the nose, didn't think March of the Penguins had the legs to go all the way, but it did! Thankfully, the box office returns do matter to the Oscar electorate. And Rupert Murdoch's opinion on the matter.
What else happening? Madea? Seriously? They had an ad for 16 Blocks anyway calling it the #1 movie. I think Madea should bitch-slap that movie again, maybe sue. If only Johnny Cochran were still alive.
Well, gotta keep this short. But before I go, I leave you with a still from this new series of VW commercials featuring my man Peter Stormare! What can I say, I like 'em. Would I like 'em if I wasn't a Coen brothers fan? I just don't contemplate those kind of situations, which is why I'm just not in charge of things like who wins the Oscars.

Oscars, pt. the Last

Better hurry! only 25 min. til it starts.
Where did I leave off? Let's see...

Now, here's how I should have done it in the first place: from 1 to 5, 1 being most likely to win... Supporting actress: 1) Catherine Keener, 2) Rachel Weisz, 3) Junebug, 4) Franny McD and 5) Brokeback Mtn. I mean, it's all about the guys!

Supporting actor: 1) Gyllenhall, 2) Clooney, 3) Matt Dillon, 4) Giamatti!!! 5) and William Hurt. So far, there's the least publicity for him in Cronenberg Country.

Best Actress: 1) Reese, 2) Filliam H. Muffman, 3) DENCH!! 4) Charlize, and 5) Knightley. Sorry, Keira, Oscar loves Charlize better. But, now that I think about it, Felicity is on ABC's hit show, Desperate Housewives. ...They just had special greetings from her co-stars!! It's fixed! It's fixed!!!

Best Actor: 1) BM 2) Capote, 3) Hustle & Flow, 4) Johnny Cash and 5) David Strathairn in GN 'n GL. I kinda hope he'll win: that'll make two from the Sayles camp, him and Chris Cooper.

AND FINALLY, BEST PICTURE!!! 1) BM, 2) GN 'n GL, 3) Munich, 4) Capote and 5) Crash. I guess it'll be Brokeback Mountain. I'm still just waiting for Paris, je t'aime or Hail Caesar, but that's just me.

Okay, back to the show. I thought we could post gifs here, but now I have an excuse to do a series!

Oscars, pt. 4

I see Bob Wuhl's got a new Arliss on HBO. This time, it sounds and looks more like the Daily Show and/or Colbert Report has finally gone to the college campus. Why, there's nothing about it on the IMDb yet! For shame. Guess we'll just have to wait, huh?

Okay, back to the awards. We're up to Costume Design, and I think it's going to be Mrs. Henderson Presents as the winner, for like The Full Monty before it, it's all about the lack of costume design, or in terms the Red States can understand, a celebration of the penultimate Costume Designer: the big guy in the sky! God bless you, Jesus! Besides, how many awards does Colleen Atwood need? She's still pissed 'cuz she didn't work with Burton.

Art Directon. C'mon, Academy! Sooner or later you're going to have to give it up to Harry Potter. Why wait til the last movie? Do it now! OTOH, if King Kong doesn't win, someone's going to be mad. Makes me wonder if Peter Jackson will attend this year.

On to Cinematography, one of my personal favourites, but I don't know why. I'm going to say Wally Pfister of Batman fame, but only because it's more like a Lifetime Achievement Oscar for all his illustrious work with the likes of Gernert Garroni Hippolyte.

Adapted Writing, it'll probably be Brokeback Mountain, because really, it's the writing that's the thing. And it's payback for the passing over of The Shipping News. For some, anyhow. But my money's on the longshot, and that's A History of Violence. The underdog! Besides, everyone else is BTDT. Give the fresh meat a chance.

Writing for the Screen: This is where the payola is the worst in the Academy voting block. There will be groans from the audience when Match Point wins, and Woody's not even there to pick up his ill-gotten Gold. But he did wow the critics, if nothing else, and more importantly Scarlett Johansson who's going to work with him again on his 2006 project! Score!! Screw you, Mia Farrow; start to worry, Soon-Yi.

Directing: You know, what kind of a critic am I? I haven't seen any of the 5 films nominated this year! But from a preliminary glance at the list, I think they're all an affront to the Bush Administration in some way. It won't go to Crash; Million Dollar Baby was a stroke of luck that won't last. Capote? So they watched In Cold Blood. Most of us have. GN 'n GL, I heard it's a little amateurish, but we're putting that aside for the greater good. Munich, I don't know. See Sword of Gideon. War of the Worlds was pretty good, too. It just ain't 1993, Spiely! I guess that leaves BM. I just can't ignore it any longer... which is why I'm picking GN'nGL. Gotta give Clooney something, damn it!

more later. Dang, all this hyperlinking takes forever and a day.

Oscars, pt. 3

I abbreviated the title of this entry... let's see who notices. So far, no one. Sigh.
Madea's Family Reunion? Are you kidding me? How? Who? Where?? Martin Lawrence, take note. The bell tolls for thee. And it took you six years to do your little sequel...
So where indeed were we? We left off at makeup, which brings us to a couple of nerd awards. Visual Effects, hard to say. It'll be interesting to see if Oscar has a favourite, indeed SO favorite that they're included in the show proper, like a dinosaur head in (or out of) Jurassic Park, or Jamie Lee Curtis dropping from the ceiling to commemorate True Lies. Ah, memories. It's the same old guard in terms of who's nominated, although the WETA crew is still kinda new. (WETA behind'a the ears'a??? never mind..) I think they did some of Narnia, so they got two covered. Since Narnia's the fresh face, so to speak, Oscar may go with ... that.
Sound Editing? I hope War of the Worlds gets something, but sometimes Oscar's love for a two-time winner trumps all, so that means King Kong. Damn you, Van der Ryn! Maybe Tom Cruise will win for Best Extra-Curricular Ad Campaign.
Best Editing, that's a tough call. Typically, it goes to the longest film. I mean, editing is tough enough as it is, but on a long movie? Chile, fo'getabouttit! The Aviator won in 2004 (long movie), LOTR: ROTK in 2003 (long movie, longer title!!) ...hmm! Chicago? Not the longest of the crop! Maybe it just seemed really long. Which of course is worthy of an award for that reason as well. As for this year's crop, well, each has a great case for and against, but again I'm going to have to say Cinderella Man's going to wear that Golden Slipper too! Oscar loves that movie, even if no one else does.
Best Sound: it has to be intrinsic to the plot, which right away rules out the special F/X pics, so we've got Geisha and WTL. While no one's disputing that Geisha should win for Best Poster, what's so hard about doing the sound of hearing a pin drop? Oscar's going to reach across the aisle and knock on the trailer door... that's right, an ACTUAL trailer door that's used 24 hours a day instead of just for the application of makeup, and go with Walk the Line. I mean, a full length music video? Whoever thought of that?
I'm sorry, the speeches are running over so the blog's a little longer than usual, but let me close with a little something from a bonafide Oscar winner, Robert Zemeckis, who's finally achieved that exalted place that all artists hope to get to: so far removed from their audience that they don't know what makes a good movie anymore. I think he might have an appreciation for this still frame, as it doesn't actually appear this way in the movie, but since he doesn't watch the old stuff he'll never know anyway, right? :)

The Oscars, part 2

In Oscar-related news, the Israelis ask the Oscars to drop the Palestinian film "Paradise Now". If that doesn't work, the Mossad will take care of it.
Anyway, a little clip-let from Matrix 2, which everyone knows is really the best one. I'm torn, though: is this good composition, artiste-wise, or just pragmatical? I mean, how many of these Guy Pearces can you fit onto one screen? I mean, Elronds? Looks like he's doing the much anticipated sequel to Big Fish. Neat!
Okay, back to the awards. Best Short Film, Live Action: I'm going with Six Shooter, since everyone's expecting a Brokeback sweep. Besides, who wants to try to pronounce all those Dutch names for a short film, anyway? Too much hassle. Best Short Film, Animated: My money's on The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, if only because the electorate will think it has to do with The March of the Penguins. And to kiss up to George Lucas.
Best Music: Pride and Prejudice. Well, Brokeback can't win everything! Besides, it adds tension for the big finale.
Best Song: Tough one to call, but I think it depends on what Dolly Parton's wearing. She may split the vote. I think it'll ultimately go to Hustle & Flow. Besides, it says that Crash was from 2004! What a rip!
Best makeup: Cinderella Man. People just don't like fantasy anymore, especially in this jaded Oscar electorate. People want realism, damn it!

Okay, that's enough for now. Only four days left to place your wagers, Oscar-niks!