Sunday, March 26, 2006

Box Office Report 3/26/'06

Ah, time once again for the latest Movie Hooligan Box Office analysis / wrap-up. Only Daily Variety gives more in-depth coverage to such things.
Well, let's get right to work, shall we? At number 10, it's 16 Blocks with 2.21 million dollars, and it's 6th cumulative over-all. Well, I've already said all there is to say about it, 'coz ATL's on the horizon now, b'atch!! But before I do, I did notice there's like 20 producers on this movie. So if, theoretically, this wins Best Picture, do those 20 people get to go up to the podium?
Moving on. At #9, it's Eight Below, STILL the #1 cumulative total of our Top 10 with a paltry 77.2 million!! Well, it ain't summer yet. People are saving up for then, when all their kids are out of school and need a place to spend a couple hours while... See that, Dick? This is Paul's revenge for Timeline!
#8 brings us The Hills Have Eyes with 4.25mil, making it 5th Total Box Office-wise. I don't know how good it really is, but I know one thing: it ain't no Saw 2.
#7 was Larry the Cable Guy's movie!!! Oh, strewth. It's #10 cumulonimbus Box Office-ly, but I guess that's not totally fair because this is its opening week. Still, what's the deal, Red States? C'mon! Let's ante up here! Are you TRYING to win the Culture War or not?
#6 was the Box Office's red-headed stepchild, She's the Man. And of course, it is based on Shakespeare. Doesn't that guy have enough money? He's a busier script doctor than ... help me out here. Bruce Vilanch? Robert McKee? Ross McElwee? Nah, too obscure...
Moving on: #5 was The Shaggy Dog. Man, I coulda swore that marquee said "Shaggy Dog ends Thursday" but Disney got wind of it and they changed it to the more friendly Ice Age 2 starts Friday. Now THAT's gonna clean up!
#4 is that B.O. stalwart, Failure to Launch. It's the Movie's Movie. Home video's Friend. And with the 2nd highest cumulative Box Office total, it's proved that it has staying power, just like How to lose a guy in 10 days. Is this not worth something? Doesn't McC deserve to be in the 20 million club with Jim Carrey, John Travolta and Will Ferrell?
#3 was Stay Alive with 11.2 mil in the can, making it #9 overall, but to be fair this is also its opening week, along with Larry the Cable Guy. Guess fart jokes aren't as popular as deadly video games, who knew.
#2 is V for Vendetta with a stellar 12.3 million dollars. I say stellar because it's exactly 12.3 million dollars more than I'll ever make! (Oh, don't feel sorry for me, folks, it's all wishful thinking. I'm probably one of those people who shouldn't be rich; just wish I could cover the bills a little better.) Don't you see what's happening here, people? 16 Blocks? Eight Below? V for Vendetta? This is all the work of that most secret cabal of all, the Sesame Street Gestapo! They're trying to get us to LEARN! Using letters and numbers at every turn. When does it all end? Why, it's the kind of thing that would make Agent Smith vomit from sheer frustration.
And finally we get to #1. Saving the best for last, savoring every last step to the top. The Big Uno! Satchmo! And it's none other than Spike Lee's remake of The Bone Collector. ..oh dear, just waiting on an ad for The Da Vinci Code... Ah, there we go! Well, what can you say? Spike's still got it! Or is it, Spike's still gotta have it? Courtesy of cameraman Matthew Libatique, Darren's guy from way back, [and forward! (They're still waiting on The Fountain) ] Spike brings us a tale of mystery, intrigue, and basically, white people gone crazy! I mean, whazzup w/dat? Fortunately, Denzel brings his brand of mojo to the proceedings to cool things down. I still wanna see Denzel and Ford do a pic like this together, where they BOTH track down the bad guy, out-acting each other all the way. I'd pay twice to see it twice!
Well, that's it for this week's Box Office Report. What to do while waiting for next week's Box Office Report? Stay tuned for next week's Box Office Report.

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