This Just In: Q. Anon Meets With Spielberg, Wants Tom Hanks To Play Lead In Biopic

You know, exposing a massive, widespread government conspiracy involving child molesters at the highest levels of power can be exhaustive, but it's never too early to plan for future depictions of yourself!  Movies!  Books!  Podcasts!  The sky is the limit, and so is the imagination.  My secret source at Amblin told me that this Q. Anon fella had a script and everything!  Not since Antwone Fisher has this happened... well, not so much a script, really.  More of a rough outline.  Actually, I think it was just a soundtrack list.  The anonymous whistleblower said to Spielberg's representative... Steven himself doesn't take meetings anymore... they got kicked out for listening in, my secret source, but they heard the guy say "It's just a soundtrack list to capture the mood, really, more than anything.  Can you get Limp Bizkit?  Now, can you get the Bizkit to do some Beatles covers?  Because I really truly believe that that's the zeitgeist here and..."  That's about when my source was caught and detained, but I am still able to pass these notes on to you... for now.
Whelp, I must once again admit to irrelevance.  This must be the new rule among Hollywood reporters: you ignore Kevin Hart at your peril.  Or is this more of a win for Tiffany Haddish?  Hard to say.  Are they the hot new team like Kevin Hart and The Rock?  Sorry... can we still call him that?  Every once in a while, a star like Kevin Hart comes along, and everything they touch turns to gold.  We'll have to wait twenty years or so to see how this rates in his total body of work.  Will it be in the guts of the Top Five?  Or just merely lost somewhere in the love handles?  In any event, this one's called Night School, and it's most definitely another win for Spike Lee's successful cousin!  I mean, don't get me wrong, Spike's still enjoying the last part of his Second Act with BlackKKlansman... or however it's spelled... but Malcolm's no slouch!  Dude's doing something right.  He's got, what... two or three #1 debuts under his belt?  Maybe more.  It helps in this game called Hollywood, it definitely helps.
Meanwhile, in the world of Pixar-ish, something called Small Foot comes in at #2... I guess it's one word.  Smallfoot.  There was an ad for it someplace; I believe it was in some new crevice on the web they found to place ads, but for the life of me I can't remember where.  Don't worry, though... it's not going to be too much in Terra territory; we don't wanna go there.  Just a simple, delightful twist on the Yeti legend.  A Yeti travels to the big city to try and find out if humans are real.  Get it?  Also, they seem to be close to .. they being the various CGI artists involved, they seem to be close to emulating claymation, thereby putting the likes of Will Vinton and Nick Park out of business.  But that certainly doesn't mean the claymation film I'm making in the solarium with my Canon Rebel EOS still can't see the light of day, right?  Right?  Anyone out there?  Yes, they are, Movie Hooligan, they just have better diversions to choose from.
Our third and final debut this week is for the more morbid amongst us, thank God.  When are we supposed to have any fun?  Sounds like a slight variation on the Saw series.  It's called Hell Fest, and it takes place at a horror-themed amusement park... hmm!  Are there any to begin with?  My friends never seem to have vacation photos of such a place.  They don't show them to me, anyway.  Maybe I'm lucky in that regard.  I mean, really, wasn't that the main problem with the Saw series?  We get to witness the worst acts of arbitrage, but in a very private setting.  Maybe if it was more like a proscenium, where you can stand above it all in the rafters or so, and sit and watch the blood-curdling acts happen right there before you.  Real live theatre!  With popcorn and Goobers!  Well, this debuted at #6, so it'll probably go the way of Brainscan and Shocker instead of the way of Saw, but who knows.  Maybe it's big overseas.
I didn't even get to Brett Kavanaugh!  Well, I think enough comedians have eviscerated him already, including Matt Damon, who's not necessarily a comedian, and he won't necessarily have a recurring role on Saturday Night Live for long, but oh well.  I think I need to say it: Kate McKinnon does a damn near perfect Hillary Clinton, and her Jeff Sessions is good, but Lindsey Graham?  Well, hopefully she won't have to do it too often, but it seemed to be more like Mitch McConnell than Lindsey Graham.  As for Kavanaugh himself, well... I think there's no question, he's given the worst televised performance of a Supreme Court nominee I've ever seen.  It's a sham, and he likes beer.  Yeah.  I mean, even Robert Bork had some dignity.  Just a little sweaty, sweaty dignity... maybe he was just nervous.  I haven't seen it in a while.  Then there's Douglas Ginsburg, who didn't get the job because he smoked some weed.  A toast to his getting out of prison very soon; it was a different time.  Also, does it help when Orrin Hatch and Lindsey Graham are outraged like that?  I guess Kavanaugh appreciated it, but somehow it didn't seem to help.  I mean, unless it brings the sham to a complete halt, does it really help all that much?  I'm thinking not.  And I didn't even see the thing John Oliver showed, when the attorneys for Christine Blasey Ford had to shut down the special prosecutor's line of questioning about the payment of the cost of the lie detector test.  For some, a nice moment; for others, a good reason to start yet another hashtag like #LieDetectorTestCostPaymentsMatter or #LieDetectorTestCostReimbursementsMatter... this is why I'm not in the field of advertising, clearly.  Oh, but The Movie Hooligan!  Kavanaugh's got a stellar record!  Really?  What record is that?  The Wanted's "Glad You Came"?