...forgot what I was going to talk about. Oh, right. My own theory is that Netflix, God bless 'em, their original movies just aren't that good. I and my usual crew didn't make it the usual ten minute test through their "War Machine," but we did manage to make it through "The Coldest Game," a Cold War-era thriller that focuses on an international chess match during the Cuban missile crisis. Hmm... during the Cuban missile crisis? I mean, even I know that the controversy surrounding the Candidates' Tournament at Curaçao in 1962 resulted in FIDE changing the format of the Candidates Tournament to a series of knockout matches. Even I know that!!! I didn't just cut and paste it from Wikipedia like some kind of shmuck over here!
But whatever. Let's just go with the premise. After the standard opening, an establishing scene roughly laying out the plot, quickly followed by a flashback, we're introduced to Stan Carlisle, a math genius who's about to become a spy. I'm sorry, I mean Joshua Mansky, an American math genius with a vaguely Russian name who prefers to hang around in a local bar and hustle cards. In fact, he's got a good deal going with the bartender that none of the other players is apparently wise to yet, WHEN SUDDENLY... Cold War-era geopolitics intervenes. His skill at chess is needed once again, and out of retirement he comes. The American chess master had a sudden heart attack and died, and the chess match by-laws very clearly state that a successor may be chosen by... I can't remember. But it is mentioned twice, so it did seem like an important detail that needed remembering. Will the rules keep him out of the game? Will they? Oh, right... I guess they don't, because he does end up playing. I learned that at the beginning of the film.
Joshua Mansky is played by Bill Pullman, but I think they might have wanted Michael Stuhlbarg, so Pullman does what he can in that regard. And helping Pullman to pull through in his new-fangled spying duties... see how I did that? Anyway, there's these three spies helping him out. There's the sexy female who is the first to reach out to Mansky at his watering hole. They wanted Olivia Wilde, but I guess Lotte Verbeek will just have to do. I guess she doesn't need it, but this could be her breakout moment on the world cinema stage. Then there's the teenage kid, Agent White, played by someone named James Bloor who, at one point in the proceedings, says "They made me!" Well, of course they made you! All you ever do is go to the chess match and hang out with your fellow spies! However, one of the Russian spies does rather rudely accost him and says that they know about his wife and kid back in the States and... really? In the 1960s? They didn't have Smartphones back then, you know! Was Russian oppo research really that good back then?
And finally, there's the boss, Robert Novak... I mean, Donald Novak, played by Corey Johnson. And again, God bless him... I'm sure he's a nice guy, and Paul Greengrass seems to like him a lot, and to be fair, the script doesn't give him much to work with... but I didn't like him in that part. A lot. I knew they should've gone with Jamie Kennedy instead! He's ready for a comeback... actually, maybe not.
In conclusion, this roughly-based-on-a-true-story spy story about how chess can be a battlefield, too, lacked the ho-hum realism of John le Carré, and definitely the excitement of Tom Clancy... I guess that's all the spy authors I know. But I figured there'd be all the usual plot twists: who's the double agent, maybe it's all just a dream. I am kind of surprised that the film forgot to fetishize bacon! That's quite popular. But Mansky did engage in as much binge drinking as he could. That seems to be becoming popular again in movies. Just a couple dozen drinks to get the blood flowing to the brain and clear the sinuses; we're not spending a lifetime with these characters, so we're not going to stick around to see full-fledged alcoholism. I will give the movie props for one aspect: whoever they got to play a hypnotist in the audience to distract Mansky from his chess game was perfect. Absolutely perfect. And damn effective, too! Spoiler Alert: I was disappointed that the head Russian bad guy didn't get his comeuppance. I guess that would've been too much of a cliché or something.
Another theory of mine: if a film has more than five vanity logos at the beginning, it's probably not going to be good. This one had, like, ten, including a new Canal+ one I hadn't seen before. Aren't they the main one? But it was nice to see Rockford on the big screen for a change... I mean, Warsaw, Poland. This was a very, very Polish production, in terms of crew and locations. You will be treated to many smooth shots of... the main building in Warsaw, which was apparently a gift from Stalin himself. Mostly night time shots as we look down on the castle-like battlements, or daytime shots where we pan up to see how tall the damn thing is. You'll wonder to yourself, is this a real building? Or was it all done with computers? What's more expensive these days? Anyway, the main thing to remember is, even though the World Chess Championship games at the time were held in Moscow, and didn't actually happen in 1962, this film will make you believe that one was played in Warsaw in 1962, at the height of the Cold War. You know, some might say that Warsaw won the Cold War! If only in this film. I'm reminded of Joe Dante's Matinee, which also took place during the Cuban missile crisis; specifically, the scene where everyone's panic buying at the supermarket... I must be hungry or something.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
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