Okay! Time for the next Jamie Brown, and... oh. Just a writer. But hey, it's a small step from writer to director. Just ask Robert Towne or Harmony Korine!
So who do we have next? Well, we're actually all out of Jamie Browns, as well as Jamie Brownes... so I guess the next logical question is, how about Jamie Browning? Shouldn't THEY count? Not that one, though; just an actor, and... Devin Ratray? Ruh-roh! Love that guy. There are no small parts, but the way our collective subconscious gets narrower and narrower with each passing nanosecond at the computer, there's only about four or five moments from any given movie we care about. So how about THIS Jamie Browning? Nah, Costume and Wardrobe; must've taken a decade or two and a half to raise a kid or something. Family. Reminds me: I took my kid to Coney Island... what a smart kid I got. I asked him if he wanted to go in the Crazy House. He says to me "Save your money. We'll be home soon." So how about this OTHER Jamie Browning? Well, Frank Lee, we just don't know! Could be one of the first two for all we know! He or she is a "Self", so we know they're important. But let's move on; some of my fellow readers are growing restless... a lot.
Okay, now we've got Jamie Brownlow. Another "Self"! Lotta those going around. He's good, just not Jared Diamond good or Douglas Hofstadter good. Moving quickly, next up is Jamie Ader-Brown... shouldn't they count? I think so, but not in this case... this is "Auteur Watch," not "Additional Crew Watch." Next... oh, wait! It's that movie with naked Agent Scully! They've even memorialized it on the cover for the illiterate... I mean, Literacy Impaired. Well, with the recent hullabaloo stirred up by Elizabeth Hurley, then Paulina Porizkova... doesn't Dana Scully get a turn? I think so. I think they'd all agree that Lauren Hutton really is too old for all this bikini selfie shtick.
...did I forget this Jamie Brown? Someone else check that for me. Seems like I did. Up next, Jana Brown. Okay, she's no Jamie Brown, but she is a Brown, and her first name starts with "Ja." "Ja" rules! And remember, kids: there's no shame in roles like "Receptionist" or "Nurse" or "Aerobics Girl." I mean, Suzanne Somers was able to turn "Blonde in T-Bird" into... something. Even Susan Anton never got her own "Donahue"-esque talk show. It's tough out there! I mean, you can't just walk in to the lobby of GoDaddy.com and say to the receptionist "I wanna make money." It's not how capitalism works... it's not even how Communism works! I mean, you can't go to the head of the Commune and say "It's my turn." ...maybe. Depends on the commune. Up next: Jane Brown. Not a director. Next: Jane Browne. Just a writer. Next: Janet Brown. Nope, just an Actress... sorry, Actor. But hey! She's a Bond Girl! Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, but The Movie Hooligan! She played the Prime Minister in For Your Eyes Only. That doesn't make her a Bond Girl. Okay, maybe not, but it made it a lot harder for her agent to get people to take her seriously, that's for sure. Bond Girl. Up next: another Janet Brown. Nope, just Art Department Trainee turned Script Supervisor. Those Art Department people are a mean, gossipy bunch. Up next: another Janet Brown. Nope, Animation Department. Up next: Janice Brown. Nope, just... wait a second! Director! A director of documentary shorts, but still, nevertheless a director. Must be a tad frustrating to know that, no matter how many documentaries you direct, a terrible piece of Hollywood fantasy like Heavy Metal will forever be in your IMDb Top 4. Keep reaching for that Oscar (TM) (R) (C), grrl!
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