Box Office Report, and Scientology vs. South Park

I'm not a big fan of South Park myself, but I'm in favor of anything that takes Scientology to task. Bowfinger did it, The Simpsons sorta did it with the Movementarians, who else? 1984?
Okay, let's take this week's box office to task. Welp, the War of Colors has a victor! Maybe true love does exist in the world after all, as Aquamarine bitch-slapped Resident Evil 2 1/2 off of the top 10. And with only 2.11 million dollars! What an anemic box office.
Coming in at #9, still the Cumulative Total champ, it's The Pink Panther. Remember it next year at Oscar time, folks! Madea 2 holding strong at #8; it's the 3rd biggest Cumulative total. Could Madea 3 be in the works? Is there any doubt?
At #7 it's Eight Below, the second biggest total money maker at 73 million total. How? I'm not up on my demographics, maybe it's the Tiger Beat crowd or something. All I know is, Paul Walker's critical success, Running Scared, ain't doing no biz! And that's a shame. But, that's the Hollywood game for you. Same thing happened to Reese Witherspoon last year. Her big Hollywood blockbuster was Walk the Line, while the small independent critical success was... what was it called? Just Like Heaven? Yeah, that's what it was. Boy, a lotta people are gonna be very disappointed when they find out the truth about the afterlife.
At #6 is 16 Blocks, which is also #6 in terms of most accumulated total overall. Need more be said? I think not. I'll wait for Sam and George, Richard. (And you'll have to wait for Apocalypto and Mad Max 4!!)
At #5 is another horror remake, The Hills Have Eyes. (#7 cumulative total) Well, Wes must be happy about that. I hear they're going to remake Vampire in Brooklyn. Not so happy about that. Still waiting on Paris, je t'aime, guys!!!
#4 is "All That" alumnus Amanda Bynes' latest, She's the Man. Not quite up to Lindsay Lohan's box office snuff, but then again, neither is she lately...
#3 is ... oh yeah, She's the Man is #10 cumulative wise! Weak, weak and double weak! But time will tell. At #3 is The Shaggy Dog. Is it a remake? Ah, who cares...
Hey! Long live The Wibberleys! They go where Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio fear to tread...
#2 brings us Failure to Launch, only 4th cumulative-wise but still going strong. Who's seeing this movie? I already tore it a new one by calling it How to lose a guy in 10 days II. No such plan is in the works, unless it's a direct-to-video release with French Stewart and Ashlee Simpson reprising the roles. Hey, gotta start somewhere!
Nevertheless, let's hear it for Tom Dey who managed to survive the bitter aftermath of Showtime (the movie, not the channel, which oddly enough seems only to be showing on HBO.... the channel, not the movie. ...?)

And finally, it's not V for Victory, although that certainly is appropriate, but rather V for Vendetta! To this victor go the spoils. And what spoils indeed! #1 at the office, albeit only #8 in the cumulative scheme of things. Well, it's not Spielberg we're talking about here. Disturbia? Sounds interesting. Maybe Joe Dante's slated to direct. ..nah, no such luck.

Man, did that take a lot of work! But in the end it's all worth it. :)

Auteur Watch: Darren Aronofsky

Damn! I don't have it. I thought I taped it when the pre-Oscars show was on. Rachel Weisz was being interviewed and Darren was hanging back, waiting for her to finish. They're married! Hopefully, the new Oscar-gap won't hurt their marriage, as with Alec and Kim. Anyway, so tonight's still photo is instead from when P.S. Hoffman was being interviewed, and I saw Joel Coen in the background. I guess Ethan didn't attend, since Tricia Cooke wasn't nominated.
But back to Darren. Pi being his low-budge debut, and Requiem for a Dream being the big Hollywood debut, Darren's been taking it easy for a while. The Fountain seems to be taking a while to complete in post-production; is that a good thing? There's a couple irons in the fire, Flicker, and Lone Wolf and Cub. Sounds New-Age. ..oh dear, just read about it. Another graphic novel adaptation, but this time about a samurai. Samurais must be the new cyborgs or something.
All right! There's movement. Not on Hail Caesar yet, but the cast is being hammered out for No Country for Old Men. Sa-weeeet! Keep up the good work, guys.
In the latest watchings, saw some of Son of the Mask. Ick! Puerile! Hideous! I still have a little respect left for the first one, but man! What a waste on this second one. Might've been better if he never tried on the mask at all. Peter Guber might've liked that; I'm sorry, I meant Jon Peters. I think I'll have to do Lawrence Guterman in the next (brief) installment of Auteur Watch.

Audience Reaction at Carlos Mencia concert

I tell ya, that woman doesn't seem too thrilled about the proceedings, but it was brave of them to show all points of view. It occurred to me that we should get Carlos Mencia (Ned Holness?? Guess that sorta explains the NED LOS vanity logo) and Charles S. Dutton, and Tom Arnold and, who else, let's say Margaret Cho, get them in a ring together, hold a fund-raiser and call it the "Celebrity Deathmatch to End Racism". And if Carlos doesn't like that one, tough luck, because I paid Bruce Vilanch top dollar for it, so screw you!
What else? Anyway, on to movie news. The onslaught of new movies continues relentlessly, unrelenting. If I remember correctly, Jodie Foster once snubbed Cannes because she was working on Panic Room, but mostly because she got on the Freedom Fries bandwagon bigtime, but she's back, baby! Even more back than Flightplan, and the movie's title is ... Contact 2: Interstellar Boogaloo! No, it's the new action flick with Denzel called (The) Inside Man. Oy, Spike Lee's latest, here we go. When was the last time he had a #1 hit? Even he's not keeping track anymore. I'm still waiting for Crooklyn 2: Electric Crook-a-loo. The movie will be one long in-yo-face shouting match in blazing digital video, bitch! The companion piece that we've been waiting for all these years.
Meanwhile, a new ad campaign is on the horizon. Perhaps you saw it on Yahoo, and it's called V for Vendetta. Apparently, according to my sources, Sue Grafton had nothing to do with it. Of course, I'm still steamed about Lolly Madonna XXX. What a ripoff! I can think of at least three things wrong with that title! But back to the film at hand... the Wachowskis? Are you kidding me? I guess they got out of the directing game already. Must be training the next generation of directors. Which one of them's a chick now? Anyway, this is McT's big chance. All those years of grunt work have finally paid off, and now the pressure's totally on you, boi-ee! I notice the tag line of the film is "remember, remember the 5th of November." Unfortunately, the re-tooling of the pic delayed that, so now it's something less threatening. I mean "You just haven't seen the likes of March 17" just doesn't play as well.
One last movie to get to. On the heels of the 50th Anniversary of 12 Angry Men we have Sidney Lumet's latest courtroom saga, Find me Guilty. Well, it may be better than ... what was that 2003 Vin Diesel project again? A Man Apart, something like that. 2005 gave us The Pacifier; I knew there was something for 2005. The point is, the jury system just doesn't work. Movies have proved that for years now. All those involved in this one, however, might have to look past this one and look ahead. Whistle for Lumet, Hannibal for Diesel. Maybe they'll go toe to toe the same week!
Okay, enough of that. Bedtime for me now. 'night, mother!

Simpson, J snubs Dubya?

Maybe she's not so dumb after all!
Man, I can't get into this Morning Multi-tasking thing at all. Gotta keep it short for my boss's sake. That place'd fall apart w/out me.

Let me just kinda, uh, steal the text from the story...

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Concerned about politicising her favourite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S.

President George W. Bush

President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.
The apparent final word that Simpson would be a no-show at a major Republican fund-raiser with Bush and congressional leaders on Thursday night came after a day of conflicting reports from her camp and organisers of the event.

--------------------and now, back to me...
Karl Rove was most disappointed of all because he thought he'd get to do the whole Political Groupie Audition racket on Simpson. Who knew, but it's probably for the best. In any event, you go girl. Someone's gotta take a stand somewhere, but be careful. Sales of the Dukes of Hazard DVD must've petered out already. Hope you saved some money, 'coz now you're in league with the Dixie Chicks!

Gittin 'R Done at the Box Office

It's finally arrived. Larry the Cable Guy's big movie. And I can't believe it! John Cherry's NOT directing? What a slap in the face! There's no one more qualified than him. I did hear that Bruce Vilanch ghost-wrote the movie, though. Strange rumours out there.
Anyway, let's take the usual quickie glance at the Box Office. What an anemic week. However, it's the only time that two colors made the top ten in my recent memory: Ultraviolet and Aquamarine. Bitchin'! The Pink Panther has the biggest cumulative total of the top ten, a paltry 74 million in chump change, followed by Eight Below with 66. Boy, am I not up on my movie demographics! Between those two, I just don't know what to think.
Nice to see that Richard Donner can still crack the top 5 at least. Here's a toast to hoping he gets back into the A-List projects like Superman and Lethal Weapon, er... The Omen.
And finally, who can forget the big push for Failure to Launch. Another testament to the power of, well, just a total bombardment of advertising. News shows, newspapers, novelizations available at airport gift shops, exclusive cast interviews on your blackberry, what have you. Well, it was worth every million spent, because it paid off big time. 24 million, baby! An opening for the March record books, no question.
Well, that's it for me. Way way past my bedtime, but I did catch a little of Clueless on Comedy Central. Ah, the good old days when Alicia Silverstone was the star, and Paul Rudd and Brittany Murphy were but Rising Stars to Be. Oh, little BM! You won't be an ugly duckling forever. Who's on top now, baby? Not Stacey Dash, that's for sure. :)

A Post-Oscar America

Well, there you have it. The Red States' description of Hollywood has come to pass: a Godless hell-hole where gays and minorities and all the other usual wrong people run things in defiance of the one true lord... oh, wait. Brokeback Mountain didn't win! It was CRASH. For best picture, a red state favourite, obviously. Personally I think it should've won for Best Ensemble Cast. That should be a new Oscar. In any case, that's my new system for picking the Oscars, the 1 to 5 system. I called a few of them on the nose, didn't think March of the Penguins had the legs to go all the way, but it did! Thankfully, the box office returns do matter to the Oscar electorate. And Rupert Murdoch's opinion on the matter.
What else happening? Madea? Seriously? They had an ad for 16 Blocks anyway calling it the #1 movie. I think Madea should bitch-slap that movie again, maybe sue. If only Johnny Cochran were still alive.
Well, gotta keep this short. But before I go, I leave you with a still from this new series of VW commercials featuring my man Peter Stormare! What can I say, I like 'em. Would I like 'em if I wasn't a Coen brothers fan? I just don't contemplate those kind of situations, which is why I'm just not in charge of things like who wins the Oscars.

Oscars, pt. the Last

Better hurry! only 25 min. til it starts.
Where did I leave off? Let's see...

Now, here's how I should have done it in the first place: from 1 to 5, 1 being most likely to win... Supporting actress: 1) Catherine Keener, 2) Rachel Weisz, 3) Junebug, 4) Franny McD and 5) Brokeback Mtn. I mean, it's all about the guys!

Supporting actor: 1) Gyllenhall, 2) Clooney, 3) Matt Dillon, 4) Giamatti!!! 5) and William Hurt. So far, there's the least publicity for him in Cronenberg Country.

Best Actress: 1) Reese, 2) Filliam H. Muffman, 3) DENCH!! 4) Charlize, and 5) Knightley. Sorry, Keira, Oscar loves Charlize better. But, now that I think about it, Felicity is on ABC's hit show, Desperate Housewives. ...They just had special greetings from her co-stars!! It's fixed! It's fixed!!!

Best Actor: 1) BM 2) Capote, 3) Hustle & Flow, 4) Johnny Cash and 5) David Strathairn in GN 'n GL. I kinda hope he'll win: that'll make two from the Sayles camp, him and Chris Cooper.

AND FINALLY, BEST PICTURE!!! 1) BM, 2) GN 'n GL, 3) Munich, 4) Capote and 5) Crash. I guess it'll be Brokeback Mountain. I'm still just waiting for Paris, je t'aime or Hail Caesar, but that's just me.

Okay, back to the show. I thought we could post gifs here, but now I have an excuse to do a series!

Oscars, pt. 4

I see Bob Wuhl's got a new Arliss on HBO. This time, it sounds and looks more like the Daily Show and/or Colbert Report has finally gone to the college campus. Why, there's nothing about it on the IMDb yet! For shame. Guess we'll just have to wait, huh?

Okay, back to the awards. We're up to Costume Design, and I think it's going to be Mrs. Henderson Presents as the winner, for like The Full Monty before it, it's all about the lack of costume design, or in terms the Red States can understand, a celebration of the penultimate Costume Designer: the big guy in the sky! God bless you, Jesus! Besides, how many awards does Colleen Atwood need? She's still pissed 'cuz she didn't work with Burton.

Art Directon. C'mon, Academy! Sooner or later you're going to have to give it up to Harry Potter. Why wait til the last movie? Do it now! OTOH, if King Kong doesn't win, someone's going to be mad. Makes me wonder if Peter Jackson will attend this year.

On to Cinematography, one of my personal favourites, but I don't know why. I'm going to say Wally Pfister of Batman fame, but only because it's more like a Lifetime Achievement Oscar for all his illustrious work with the likes of Gernert Garroni Hippolyte.

Adapted Writing, it'll probably be Brokeback Mountain, because really, it's the writing that's the thing. And it's payback for the passing over of The Shipping News. For some, anyhow. But my money's on the longshot, and that's A History of Violence. The underdog! Besides, everyone else is BTDT. Give the fresh meat a chance.

Writing for the Screen: This is where the payola is the worst in the Academy voting block. There will be groans from the audience when Match Point wins, and Woody's not even there to pick up his ill-gotten Gold. But he did wow the critics, if nothing else, and more importantly Scarlett Johansson who's going to work with him again on his 2006 project! Score!! Screw you, Mia Farrow; start to worry, Soon-Yi.

Directing: You know, what kind of a critic am I? I haven't seen any of the 5 films nominated this year! But from a preliminary glance at the list, I think they're all an affront to the Bush Administration in some way. It won't go to Crash; Million Dollar Baby was a stroke of luck that won't last. Capote? So they watched In Cold Blood. Most of us have. GN 'n GL, I heard it's a little amateurish, but we're putting that aside for the greater good. Munich, I don't know. See Sword of Gideon. War of the Worlds was pretty good, too. It just ain't 1993, Spiely! I guess that leaves BM. I just can't ignore it any longer... which is why I'm picking GN'nGL. Gotta give Clooney something, damn it!

more later. Dang, all this hyperlinking takes forever and a day.

Oscars, pt. 3

I abbreviated the title of this entry... let's see who notices. So far, no one. Sigh.
Madea's Family Reunion? Are you kidding me? How? Who? Where?? Martin Lawrence, take note. The bell tolls for thee. And it took you six years to do your little sequel...
So where indeed were we? We left off at makeup, which brings us to a couple of nerd awards. Visual Effects, hard to say. It'll be interesting to see if Oscar has a favourite, indeed SO favorite that they're included in the show proper, like a dinosaur head in (or out of) Jurassic Park, or Jamie Lee Curtis dropping from the ceiling to commemorate True Lies. Ah, memories. It's the same old guard in terms of who's nominated, although the WETA crew is still kinda new. (WETA behind'a the ears'a??? never mind..) I think they did some of Narnia, so they got two covered. Since Narnia's the fresh face, so to speak, Oscar may go with ... that.
Sound Editing? I hope War of the Worlds gets something, but sometimes Oscar's love for a two-time winner trumps all, so that means King Kong. Damn you, Van der Ryn! Maybe Tom Cruise will win for Best Extra-Curricular Ad Campaign.
Best Editing, that's a tough call. Typically, it goes to the longest film. I mean, editing is tough enough as it is, but on a long movie? Chile, fo'getabouttit! The Aviator won in 2004 (long movie), LOTR: ROTK in 2003 (long movie, longer title!!) ...hmm! Chicago? Not the longest of the crop! Maybe it just seemed really long. Which of course is worthy of an award for that reason as well. As for this year's crop, well, each has a great case for and against, but again I'm going to have to say Cinderella Man's going to wear that Golden Slipper too! Oscar loves that movie, even if no one else does.
Best Sound: it has to be intrinsic to the plot, which right away rules out the special F/X pics, so we've got Geisha and WTL. While no one's disputing that Geisha should win for Best Poster, what's so hard about doing the sound of hearing a pin drop? Oscar's going to reach across the aisle and knock on the trailer door... that's right, an ACTUAL trailer door that's used 24 hours a day instead of just for the application of makeup, and go with Walk the Line. I mean, a full length music video? Whoever thought of that?
I'm sorry, the speeches are running over so the blog's a little longer than usual, but let me close with a little something from a bonafide Oscar winner, Robert Zemeckis, who's finally achieved that exalted place that all artists hope to get to: so far removed from their audience that they don't know what makes a good movie anymore. I think he might have an appreciation for this still frame, as it doesn't actually appear this way in the movie, but since he doesn't watch the old stuff he'll never know anyway, right? :)

The Oscars, part 2

In Oscar-related news, the Israelis ask the Oscars to drop the Palestinian film "Paradise Now". If that doesn't work, the Mossad will take care of it.
Anyway, a little clip-let from Matrix 2, which everyone knows is really the best one. I'm torn, though: is this good composition, artiste-wise, or just pragmatical? I mean, how many of these Guy Pearces can you fit onto one screen? I mean, Elronds? Looks like he's doing the much anticipated sequel to Big Fish. Neat!
Okay, back to the awards. Best Short Film, Live Action: I'm going with Six Shooter, since everyone's expecting a Brokeback sweep. Besides, who wants to try to pronounce all those Dutch names for a short film, anyway? Too much hassle. Best Short Film, Animated: My money's on The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, if only because the electorate will think it has to do with The March of the Penguins. And to kiss up to George Lucas.
Best Music: Pride and Prejudice. Well, Brokeback can't win everything! Besides, it adds tension for the big finale.
Best Song: Tough one to call, but I think it depends on what Dolly Parton's wearing. She may split the vote. I think it'll ultimately go to Hustle & Flow. Besides, it says that Crash was from 2004! What a rip!
Best makeup: Cinderella Man. People just don't like fantasy anymore, especially in this jaded Oscar electorate. People want realism, damn it!

Okay, that's enough for now. Only four days left to place your wagers, Oscar-niks!

The Oscars, part 1

It's not exactly germaine to the impending awards show, but I'll try to emulate those Segue kings on TV out there. Although, I should warn you that I am planning on getting up on my high horse, or is that my heavy horse? As I was cataloguing some of my old VCR tapes, I came across a great exposé on VH-1 somewhere in between the Top 100 Greatest Make-Outs and the Top 100 Old Rock 'n Roll Octogenarians. It was about the Top 40 worst Heavy Metal Moments (of all time). Which just goes to show there's payola even on these things: Motley Crue was all over the list, and not just the Lee'Derson sex tape. I didn't have the whole show so I don't know if that Great White fire made it on the list; besides, in general, they were trying to keep things light, even though we all know that metalheads can be deadly serious, and typically are at all times when out in public view. Anyway, at number six was the bungled vote on Best Heavy Metal album. This was a new category at the time, 1987 if I remember correctly, and apparently the publicists didn't do a good job of swooping down on the ignorant electorate to point out who should have won, which, according to most on the show, was Metallica. They didn't have the clip on this special, but Metallica got their revenge next year when they won, and even said in their acceptance speech that they were just lucky that Jethro Tull didn't have an album that year. I'm a Tull-head myself, and yes, they're not heavy metal, but then again, what is? Is Metallica still? I don't know; they're getting on in years. Isn't heavy metal for the youth and not your dad? My own theory is that perhaps the people who voted for Tull thought it was finally a chance to vote for those guys who gave us Aqualung. Some say that's how it was with Jeremy Irons, for example - the Oscar electorate were really voting for Dead Ringers, as opposed to what he next won for: Reversal of Fortune. Sorry, Dersh, you're in Turow country, not Grisham country. But really, the larger issue is, and perhaps a better example: do you withdraw your name if you don't belong in the category? Does Marisa Tomei complain about her award? I really think she should have won for Oscar myself, but I'm in the minority on that one... there's a pun there someplace. Should Woody Allen give back his Annie Hall award for not showing up? Or did he eventually pick it up, I can't remember. Anyway, this is exactly the type of rambling that is so contrary to the Heavy Metal ethic that I'll stop.

Okay, I better hurry and wrap this up before my hard drive clicks to a stop again. Also, my Microsoft Internet browser has a new feature: when I close the window, the computer freezes for about exactly 20 seconds before things get back to normal. An untraceable Trojan horse perhaps? Or is my computer just moving too damn fast these days, so the private sector has to intervene to slow me down?

Anyway, let's start at the bottom of the list. Best Animated Feature: I'm predicting a Spirited Away-style scenario and go with Hauru no ugoku shiro, or doesn't the Academy care about the burgeoning foreign markets? For shame, Academy! For shame. Best Foreign Language film, I'm thinking the Academy wants to try to welcome Palestine into the fold and vote for Paradise Now, and stick it to the Weinsteins by not voting for Tsotsi at the same time. Two Israeli tanks with one stone! Oh, I had to go for it, sorry. Best Documentary: without Michael Moore leading the pack, we fall back on the old standard prediction rules: the best title always wins the Best Documentary, so that means the gold goes to Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and to A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

over n' out

Place Comment Here

In other news: Harry "Accidents Will Happen" Whittington's medical condition has been downgraded from James Cromwell to Harry Dean Stanton. That'll do, Har; that'll do.
Oh, there are big things on the horizon as usual, I just can't remember what they are. Well, of course there's MI3, which will be to P.S. Hoffman what Stealth was to Jamie Foxx; a nice chance to unwind after all that Oscar buzz! Eat it, SAT's. Uh-oh: J. J. Abrams? Guess what's his face, Joe Carnahan, didn't stick it out, who was formerly attached to direct. Guess he's gone the Darren Aronofsky Career Route, attached to a hundred projects that'll go nowhere. Oh, these hot young auteurs, how they all fade the same. Now, J.J. Abrams, he's the real deal Holyfield! He could be the next Tony Scott, one of those guys who's not afraid to make a couple bucks, am I right?
Well, the Starz free weekend (FreeKend?) is long gone, but at least I got my copy of The Terminator. Will history smile kindly on The Terminator? Maybe the sequels, if not James Cameron. Between Encore! and HBO, at least someone still loves ya, James. True Lies, baby!! At least you didn't have to come out in public and defend your Governor buddy, am I right? Spending the last couple years doing strictly documentary work, subliminally undoing his fiction work... I mean, Aliens? Abyss? What's the deal? Get it together, man! ... It looks as if he's sticking his toes back into the murky theatrical water with Battle Angel, which is a story about... guess what? A cyborg! What a stretch! And yet, after all his work with cyborgs, Albert Pyun toils in obscurity.
One last thing: P.B. Hall still getting work. Having to work without P.T. Anderson, how does he cope? He's got this new show, The Loop, which seemed PTA'ish, but sadly he's not involved. I'll tell you one thing, though: he'll never have quite a part as he did in mag-no-li-a, am I right people? You know the part I mean, all you fuddruckers out there...

Looking much better, Mr. Whittington!

We have obtained this exclusive photo from one of the staff at the Christi Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas, and ...
Seriously, though, hasn't Mr. Cheney been through enough, people? He apologized! Isn't he immediately forgiven and shouldn't we all just immediately stop talking about this? Especially you, Mr. Whittington! Always with the yap-yap. Calling every third cousin on your cell going "Well, you thought YOU had a bad day..." In any event, as my good friend told me, it's a metaphor of how the Bush Administration handles things: they f--- it up, then lie about it. They and all their talking head buddies in a kind of celestial choir. There's really only one way out of this: Al Gore needs to get drunk, shoot somebody, so they can all say "Hang him! Hang him!!!"
Well, as for me, I'll be taking a break from the rat race for a couple days, but before I go, Failure to Launch? A Grandma's Boy clone already? Seriously, though, just to show you how beloved McConaughey is, the script was based on this one time he was at a premiere and he brought his mom, so it's like the story behind the script to In & Out, but without the gay. Or who knows, maybe McConaughey has a gay pal in the movie to accentuate his manliness. Or maybe it's a Brokeback Mountain kind of thing, but so far it's one of a kind. This one seems more like How to lose a guy in 10 days 2 - similar poster, too!
Okay, gotta go.

Stop! Or my Veep will Shoot

Well, soon enough the Daily Show / Colbert Report are gonna tear Cheney a new one... they better, anyway! I'm counting on it. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Dan Quayle!" Something like that.
Anyway, might as well take a look at the box office totals. Kinda sad when the top cumulative total (in the top 10) has only 66.6 million in the bag. OTOH it's Brokeback Mountain, and that's very respectable. Doing better than Hulk, anyway, heh heh... Well, the Panther's made its mark, an anemic #1. Oh well, c'est la guerre. Co-screenwriter Len Blum's resumé is kinda interesting, though. Following in close second place is this season's horror flick, FD3. I can't wait for the Valentine's Day ads, (see Saw 2's DVD release; and of course, coming soon: Saw 3) then go to see it on Valentine's Day and gawk at all the Goths in the audience.
Coming in at #3 is Curious George. What's happening to Will Ferrell? He's in his second year of NOT having a #1 hit. Not that it matters to me, I'm not in charge of such things. Besides, we'll always have our Paris: A Night at the Roxbury. At #4 is Firewall. Oh, Harrison, you're in the same boat as Will. Well, as long as IJ4 hits the jackpot, and how could it not? Maybe I'm too superstitious, but they should at least let Slocombe be a photography consultant on this one, even if it's only an honorary title.
When a Stranger Calls rounds out the top 5. Just found out it's a remake! Not as sexy a remake as, say, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or as well known for that matter. If you're gonna have unknowns in a remake, it helps if the original film is well known. OTOH, they did have a strong ad campaign. Darkness Falls-strong!
As for 6 to 10, I'll keep it short. Sequels: BMH2 (already in the bottom 100! Cool!) U2, and the fairy tales Nanny McPhee and Hoodwinked, and ... nah, too easy.

Filliam H. Muffman

Why, a couple days ago you couldn't even find a hit on Yahoo! in regards to Filliam H. Muffman. Today there are twenty. The movement is growing! ...why, I haven't checked Lycos in years! Still no hits there, and no, I didn't mean "william h. huffman." Get with it, Lycos!
In a recent news blurb that I missed, Clooney doesn't expect to win any Oscars. That's the oldest trick in the book, folks! Hell, he's got three nominations, and he's not Martin Scorsese over here getting snubbed year in year out. OTOH, Brokeback Mountain did get eight nominations, almost as many as Titanic. The point being, the Oscars in general are leaning far, far to the left, embracing the truth and what not. I mean, where's the Lifetime Achievement Awards for Charlton Heston or Lionel Chetwynd? Or those guys who made Celsius 41.11?
For me, it always comes down to reading the vibe of the Oscar electorate. Last year the vibe was clearly with Clint Eastwood and his Million Dollar Baby. However, even the Vibe knew that awarding him for acting was going a little too far. The year before that, Lord of the Rings. I can't believe it! It slipped to #4 on the IMDb poll. Damn you, Shawshank! But it's not all a bed of roses, people. Take Bugsy, for example. Ten Oscar noms, won only two. The flesh eater guy had more Oscar appeal, who knew; or was it just because it made more money.
So the jury's still out on who Oscar likes this year. I guess Ebert is the old reliable barometer as far as these things go. Me myself, I just wonder how Spielberg really feels about being in the same category with that pipsqueak Clooney. But in the end, ceremonies like the Oscars just seem to slow these two prolific SOBs down. Who's got time to get all gussied up and go to some awards show? I've got four movies to direct!

Without Nail and I

Ah, good ol' Mary Stuart Masterson. Was she not the proverbial Tomboy of the '80s? This is a still from At Close Range, and on reflection it kinda doesn't do her justice. I get kind of a Brigitte Nielsen vibe from it now.
Anyway, big things are happening on Comedy Central. Harrison Ford on The Daily Show last night!! He really must be desperate with this whole Firewall thingie. Apparently he's the Top Dog in Hollywood, but still smarting after the anemic returns on Hollywood Homicide. Anybody got a copy of Water to Wine? Firewall was directed by Richard Loncraine (what? Was Peter Howitt unavailable?), and aspiring film directors take note! Where there's life there's hope. You hang around long enough after directing Sting in Brimstone & Treacle, you'll get that Band of Brothers gig.
Oh yeah! Freedomland is on the march. The trailers are nice but as it turns out, Joe Roth directed, so it's probably nothing special. I've been burned too many times, I'm sorry.
Besides, the big story this week is The Pink Panther. All of Hollywood is waiting with baited breath for this to be a #1 hit, but it runs a little deeper than that. Is Blake Edwards still timely? How long can he coast on just getting character credit in the WGA? How far can the Middle Age envelope be pushed by the likes of Steve Martin? Is not the role of Inspector Clouseau a young man's game? And can Beyonce do it all, or does even she have trouble selling a line like "I didn't kill him!"? Move over, Queen Latifah, you just been bitch-slapped by Beyoncé, girlfriend! And is Shawn Levy the new Frank Oz?
In the meantime, everyone's doing their part. Cartoon Network's Boomerang has a scattershot showing of many of those old Pink Panther cartoons, for those of you who haven't bought the 5 disc DVD collection. Shame on you if you haven't, by the way. And shame on them for not putting any of the other members of that extended family on there: the Inspector, Roland and Rattfink, Hoot Kloot, what have you.
Lastly, but not leastly, since the whole (media) world is still reeling from this whole James Frey thing. Kissing a Fool? I just hope the David Schwimmer character isn't modeled after Frey himself, but upon reflection it seems like it. I just hate the thought of Frey even attempting to do a stand-up comedy routine. Anyway, I think there's only one solution to the whole Million Little Pieces debacle waiting to be bourne into existence: we call it Adaptation 2 and get the two Kaufmans to try adapting it, but I think it's a scenario that would be too depressing, even for two people as narcissistic as the Kaufmans.

Back from being AWOL

Oh, big things a happenin' in the world of movies! Big things. Big things, big movies. Why, Curtis Hanson's latest is already on DVD! One of these days they'll have a simultaneous release on DVD and in theaters. Might be a good gimmick, they should've did it with Matrix 3, why not?
Just finished reading No Country for Old Men. Kinda feels good to read again; I get the feeling that Cormac McCarthy is a Coen brothers fan. I don't know; guess these days it's not so violent, but man, is it violent! Maybe if Spielberg made it they could avoid the NC-17 rating. Or Paul Verhoeven even.
Anyway, gotta keep this short. But today's picture is in honor of the release of the new 5-disc collection of Pink Panther cartoons. I guess they're all there, haven't double checked my sources yet. Sadly, the other Depatie Freleng productions, Misterjaw, Ant and Aardvark, Tijuana Toads to name a few, remain elusive, or at least not on DVD. Hopefully soon, but I guess they don't wield the star power that the Pink Panther alone does.
Okay, time to go. Bedtime.

You walk by and I fall to A Million Little Pieces

Too much media coverage for my money. Even Jack Abramoff is going, "Thank God for James Frey!" And he's going up the river! Way up the river. But maybe he can go on Oprah, too, and wash his soul clean. Anyway, so Oprah made and broke this guy, but I can't help but feel cynical about the whole thing. This is the era of Questioning Everything! The Dictionary definition of autobiography is "1. the art or practice of writing one's own biography, 2. an indigenous animal or plant.." No, I'm sorry, that's autochthon... "2. the story of one's own life written or dictated by oneself" Memoir is defined as "1. a biography or biographical sketch, usually one written by someone who knew the subject well. 2 [pl.] an autobiography, esp. one that is objective and anecdotal in emphasis rather than inward and subjective 3 [pl.] a report or record of important events based on the writer's personal observation or knowledge 4 a report or record of a scholarly investigation, scientific study, etc. 5 [pl.] the record of the proceedings of a learned society." The word on the street is, a memoir is typically something written by an old dude in an easychair smoking a pipe. This James Frey guy is just a young punk! Where does he get off writing a so-called memoir? What does he know about being a bullfighter or being an old man in the sea trying to catch a fish? And who did he rip off is the main question. But no one reads books anymore so no one knows. We must look to all those Comp. Lit. students in college who go to parties and talk about how they're taking Comp Lit courses. See also: Memoirs of an Invisible Man, and Memoirs of a Geisha.

But whatever happens, the main lesson here is that the truth still matters above all else. Especially if it's a memoir about a sleazebag drug abuser, we expect said sleazebag drug abuser to tell the truth about it. And if it's about being cool, even the Fonz knows that the truth is the coolest thing of all, even when it's not. The only real question here is who's going to play the lead in the movie adaptation? I'm thinking Loren Dean; make it a sequel to Mumford. Maybe James Frey could donate some of the profits from his book to charity, but I don't know. He seems like the "Charity begins at home" type. Besides, he's the hottest thing to happen to books in the last 100 years since the ingrown bookmark. Isn't that charitable enough?

p.s. Gotta love that cover. A guy decorating a cake had a mishap! Who knew?

The New Benchmark

There's a new benchmark for success in the film world, or rather, longevity, cult status, belovedness, what have you. When a movie becomes a musical, The Lion King, The Producers, Hairspray even. Now it's The Wedding Singer's turn, of all things! Somehow I don't think they're going to stay true to the spirit of Sandler, even though it's a bit watered down in that movie. Although rumor has it that Steve Buscemi will reprise his role on stage, and that it'll be a bit meatier than in the movie.
Speaking of all things Sandler, Grandma's Boy doesn't seem to be doing that well! It's already dropped off of the Top 10. Let us speak no more about it, it'll only make Sandler yell louder.
One last word on Allen Covert. He's going to play a character named Fred Wolf in an upcoming movie called Strange Wilderness. Small world! Very small world. Well, he's catching up to Tony Danza in that self-referential regard.

The Coens in "Crimewave"

Well, that's the last of it. All the celluloid cameo appearances of the Coen brothers. For some reason they're very picky about appearing on film; too bad Quentin Tarantino doesn't follow suit. Just kidding.
Anyway, a brief glance at the box office. Speaking of Tarantino, I haven't seen a Weekend Box Office tally that smacks of Payola since The Specialist beat out Pulp Fiction way back when. Anyone seen an ad for Hoodwinked? How does THIS leap to the #1 spot? Meanwhile, Tarantino recomendee Hostel drops to #5, but don't fret: that weekend getaway the film promises is still out there somewhere, even if family entertainment has won the battle this weekend.
In other unfair news, if you don't see James Franco in Tristan and Isolde, you can always see him in Annapolis. But I think we can all agree the real forgotten victim here is T&I director Kevin Reynolds. Oh, why must Kevin Costner be so vindictive? Can't he share the blame for Waterworld for a change?

As for the rest of the box office, it's pretty much all the stuff that's been there already, except for Last Holiday. Oh, Wayne Wang, what happened to you? If this winning track record keeps up, you'll have to remake Chan is Missing! After all, what is Last Holiday if not a remake of Maid in Manhattan? I prefer Maid to Order myself, but what can I say? The 80s was my big decade.

Well, it's time to go again, but before we do, we leave you with the following mantra. This will be more important around November of this year, and in 2008, but it never hurts to prepare early, right? That's what the Repubes are doing! Anyway, it concerns the economy, and it's pretty much all you need to know about it. It was delivered by the great Rob Corddry...

"...Simply put, Jon, supply-side economics is when a president cuts taxes. This makes people happy and him popular. The tax cuts deprive the government of money, and after eight years the deficit balloons to (an) astronomical size. Then, with the economy in tatters, a Democrat is elected. He has to cut the deficit by raising taxes, making people unhappy and him unpopular, perfectly setting up the next election where a Republican uses the Democrat's tax hikes against them to win back the White House, and start the cycle all over again. Four men won Nobel prizes for that, Jon."

Joel Coen in Fight Club?

About 1:12:45 into the DVD, or is it just me? I'm a little goofed up, I think.
Anyway, there was a nice article on Yahoo! about the new trend in horror movies, or of horror movies, rather. A spate of movies like Saw II, Wolf Creek, Hostel, and of course, zombie movies like Big Momma's House 2. Sequels rising from the grave! Long thought dead and unsequelable, and if this one makes any money we'll all be surprised. From the TV trailer it looks like some advances in "Fat Body Suit" technology have been made, some serious upper-body advances, if you know what I mean! I didn't tape the trailer so I can't provide a frame of it, but it's probably all over the world by now. If that doesn't bring in big Box Office crowds, nothing will. For my money, how good could it be if Paul Giamatti didn't return? And are they planning a sequel to Black Knight? Or Blue Streak?
What else? Last Holiday. Just saw the TV trailer for that. Of course, I didn't see Under the Tuscan Sun either. It's like Taxi but with laughs. Badabing!
But I don't mean to pick on black stars exclusively. We've also got on the horizon a little turkey called Grandma's Boy. Seriously, this may put Allen Covert on the A-List of stars, saying goodbye to Adam Sandler forever, but the real star is the production company, Happy Madison, with its hot new Caddyshack-style vanity logo. This may be an apocryphal story, but I think this is how the film came about: the Happy Madison happy family went to see The 40 Year Old Virgin. Halfway into the screening the script was finished. The next day principal photography began and wrapped in two months. The next three months were spent in intense editing to get it out just in time for... well, it was originally planned as a Christmas release, if I can still use that word without getting wire-tapped, but it ended up as a January 6 release instead. They're motivated over there at Happy Madison Productions, you gotta give them that! :)

Auteur Watch: Coen Bros.

Not to get up on my high horse or anything, but you call yourself a Coen brothers fan and you don't know what THIS pitcure is? That's right, it's time for AUTEUR WATCH, and we look at the brothers Coen, Joel and Ethan. They've got quite a bit lined up. Looks like they're trying to do a 3-films in 2 years kinda deal like Spielberg, with Hail Caesar, Suburbicon and No Country for Old Men. Well, this is where all their years of organization pay off, is it not? And with digital film editing things should go a little faster. I still have somewhere, from a special about them on the Bravo! Network, back when it was still a little butch, they showed a bookshelf containing scripts with titles like Cult Cop and Johnny Skidmarks, kinduva L.A. Confidential lite. I'll have to look for that again... Ethan's got Gambit coming up at some point, but even he knows it's not the alpha project. Okay, that's about it, I've razzed them enough. For the only true info on the web about the boys go to the official Mike Zoss Productions website.
Oh yeah, and happy New Year and all that jazz. Gotta break up the continuum of days and weeks somehow, am I right?
p.s. I wonder if one of the stipulations of working on a Peter Jackson picture is you then have to go on the IMDb and vote it a 10, heh heh. Not always, I guess, judging from Kong.

The War on Christmas

I gotta keep this short as it is dangerously close to my bedtime. Folks, let's face it: there's a war on Christmas out there. It's a novel approach to Christmas, anyway. The novelty will wear off soon enough even on the most susceptible likes of me. Even I thought in the back of my movie-clogged noggin: Happy Holidays? What, is Christmas chopped liver? Of course, I should point out that it's been a while since I've celebrated Christmas, and I haven't bought a Christmas present for anyone in years, and I believe that Christmas trees are really bad for the environment. But the way I see it, there's some new blood in charge of the media now, even if it is just Faux News. Most of the nut cases out there blame the Jews for controlling the media, but this is indeed the Era of Questioning Everything. Only now it's coming from the Right, and not the Left. Where's all the wackos who say that the Jews control the World Bank when you need them? Since Wolfowitz was appointed by Bush, now there really is a Jew in the World Bank! But, the way I see it, it's okay because a Republican's doing it. Right? Isn't that the way these things work?
Anyway, for those of you who think I'm being anti-Semitic, let me just say that I'm a Sobchak Jew myself these days. It's like all those Righties who criticize Bush; when you get right down to it, it's just terms of endearment. All those "It's my party, too" types, don't worry. They're not going to stop voting Republican just because they don't like Rove being in charge.
Anyway, so now we have some fresh Warmonger voices in the media. So here's what to look forward to: the War on New Year's, the War on St. Patrick's Day (probably waged by the old culprits, of course, the Gays!!), the war on Valentine's Day, the War on the President's Day Sale, the War on Outlet Malls. Probably won't hear anything on the War on Peace, but possibly the War on War.
But with movies like Wolf Creek, Hostel and BloodRayne on the Christmas movie horizon, maybe there really is a war on Christmas! I half expect a fresh run of Saw II to commemorate Hollywood's Bloody Christmas.
Okay, bedtime for me. Good night, and have a merry Winter Solstice. Them days is getting longer again, and all them Sunbirds will come back from Australia now!

Holiday Movie Report

Dang! Has it been 10 days already? I was just about to say I was feeling lonely since there haven't even been any automatic posts lately. Then I saw I got one! However, it didn't even say I had a nice blog, so I won't hold it against them.
Anyway, with this image in mind (6 degrees of Peter Jackson) let's get right to the Holiday Movie Report, with a little help from our good friends over at Moviefone. Yes, AOL may have been dropped by TimeWarner but they still got Moviefone, dammit!
Now, there's a lot of movies to get to so we'll devote one sentence to each one. I should probably point out that I haven't seen any of them yet. Ne'theless let's dive right in those murky waters! Okay, first up: Master of the ... what? Universe? Where's this one's 25th Anniversary DVD, anyway? * It's not even on the IMDb for Pete's sake! Next we have Rent: Sorry, I'm already renting. Should've stuck with Harry Potter, Chris, and speaking of which .. HP4: HPGOF, actually looks good! I'd see it if I had time or money. Moving on: Family Stone, The: Not Sly enough. What to pick next? Memoirs of a Geisha: Spielberg himself was once attached to direct, but he found the right director for the project; it still ain't going anywhere, though, even if you show Crouching Tiger for free before-hand. Waddaya expect? We're a country of rubes! Okay, pride & Prejudice, same thing, although to appeal to the rubes they're showing sneak previews of POTC 2 & 3 at the ... beginning, not the end; there's some things even POTC fans won't sit through. Not even The Jacket! Meanwhile, in the middle of this tornado is The Producers. Well, it took a while for the first one to become a classic, too. Or am I thinking of the 12 Chairs? Hmmm. Chicken little: is that still out? Check out the wartime Disney short of the same name! Oh, you naughty Disney!! Chronicles of Narnia: yeah, more like Chronicles of Suck Nard-Nia! If that doesn't get me banned from Blogger for life, nothing will. King Kong: yeah, more like King LONG! Syriana: bet the Powers That Be are glad that King Kong is out. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: Los Knuckleheads! YM&O, make way for Cheaper 2!! Walk the Line; lemme just give a brief shout-out to James Mangold. Good on ya, buddy, you just might make it into the Auteur Club yet. Okay, moving on. Finding Home: if it's not the sequel to Finding Nemo, then Jimmy Crack Corn. ** Aeon Flux: It puts the 'L' in Flux, baby! Bad sign when even Just Friends is kicking your ass at the Box Office, cumulatively or not! Speaking of which, that brings us to Just Friends: I don't know, I think we should see other movies. Although I should point out that I'm as firm a believer in Van Wilder as an entity as anybody. And last but not least, Brokeback Mountain: it's the It Movie of the season, but no one's going to see it! Everyone and their uncle's got a joke about it, which is why I'm starting an Enter your own Punchline Contest, and First Prize goes to whomever tracks me down to collect.
Well, that's about it for me. I hope you're not as tuckered out as I am.

* We're close to the 20th Anniversary, not the 25th.
** I would've gone with Finding Nemo in Slumberland myself, but never mind. I'm not in charge of Titles.

Gumby on the Moon

Yes, that's right! Even Gumby can screw up every once in a while.
They're having an SNL-fest on the E! Channel, this 5-part thing chronicling the 101 Most Unforgettable moments of the show. Why I can't remember the last time I thought about Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute! Nice to see the grand tradition of Payola isn't dead yet. Buh-bye; with my luck that's probably #1.
All right, it's time to take a brief look at the Christmas movies, although from what I've heard, we've got to call it the Holiday movie season. Sounds better, anyway. Well, Rob Reiner's got a Christmas release called Rumor Has It... Nah, it's going to need better word of mouth than that. And incidentally, why does Jennifer Aniston go up against herself like this? And what about that movie that she and Vince Vaughn did? What is that, chopped liver?
Meanwhile, Spielberg's got another Xmas offering, this season's Catch me if you can, if you will, and it's called Munich. Even the man himself says he's not expecting to make money off it, but he'd at least like to make more than The Terminal, heh heh...
What else? Narnia, The Family Stone, and of course King Kong. So many films competing for so few holiday dollars. Who will win? Not me, that's for sure. Gotta go, I'm sleepy.

Blog #NaN Reporting for Duty

Well, the Daily Show puts another notch in its belt with special guest President Jimmy Carter tonight. Damn! They're getting more ex-presidents than Leno and Letterman combined!* They probably get very well acquainted with specific Secret Service agents at this point, sending them Christmas gifts and what not. Speaking of Christmas, it's apparently under siege again. See, people just don't understand that every holiday goes through this phase where its relevance is questioned. Look, all the corporations are saying is, what's wrong with working on Christmas? Everybody does it! Jesus himself was probably very busy on Christmas day! If only we had better historical records of the time. Maybe some video. Anything. So what? We're all just supposed to put down our laptops on Christmas day? Does it have to be a law now?
What else? Oh yeah, Stephen Colbert and Maureen Dowd finally buried the hatchet tonight on a very special edition of C.R. She's a hottie! Gotta find a good picture of her to post. And I'll think about buying her book. So many books, so little time. Why, I still haven't even read 'No Country for Old Men' yet. Quite popular at the library, apparently. Might have to circumvent the library system and just go to a bookstore.
Anyway, that's about it for me, but before we say goodbye, tonight's picture is in honor of what I don't like about Hanna Barbera cartoons. Or rather, here's a specific example that transcends the usual cheap production values. You got the eloquent Snagglepuss, whom I'm growing rather fond of, by the way, but give me the Pink Panther any time. Anyway, S.P. is caught between a rock, being the Frankenstein monster Baby creature with Barney Rubble circle eyes, and the hard place being a giant mouse, not from WB's The Great Piggy Bank Robbery. Now, the nails-on-the-blackboard detail here is that all the Frankenbaby says is "Wuh, wuh" and all the giant mouse says is "Snarf. Snarf-Snarf." I only caught part of the cartoon, but I don't want to make a mistake about this now. It's not just Snarf, but it's one Snarf, followed by two Snarfs in hyphenated succession. I believe this is a statement, similar to the one made in Barton Fink, that in general brawn-ism trumps intellectualism, for even though Snagglepuss may be smart and witty, (he does say in this one that he's going to write his congressman, not something you usually hear cartoon characters say, even back then in the 60s or whatever year this cartoon is from) he's still stuck between these two sorry souls. But then again, isn't that the Grand Dilemma that befalls all cartoon characters at one time or another, that they find they can never transcend the media or the situations they're trapped in, and must constantly contend with Neanderthals of one flavor or another?


*Probably wrong about that...

Box Office Retort - 1st week December 2005

Still goblet-ing up the box office booty, Harry Potter might actually turn a profit in the U.S.! Meanwhile, spend as they might, Paramount just can't get a #1 hit. Like Team America before it, Aeon Flux came close but just didn't have that populist touch. John Sayles, you should be ashamed of yourself!! And I think you know why. They've been showing old Aeon Flux episodes on MTV lately, gee I wonder why (GIWY?) Aeon's outfits on the animated show are much skimpier than the movie, quelle frommage. Must be a Woman's Lib thing.
In other news, we got Walk the Line followed by YM&O. Ah, they've been on the list forever. Coming in at #5, it's the season's unexpected breakout semi-hit Just Friends. Ryan Reynolds is the latest to don the new Rick Baker(TM) Fat Suit in the name of comedy. And I had my money on Waiting... Oh well, like Alanis Morrissette sez, you live, you learn. She originated that phrase, right?
What else? Ah, let's skip right to #10, In the Mix. Well, at least director Ron Underwood won't have as big and as expensive a bomb as Pluto Nash.

In other news, there's a couple hours left to catch the Showtime Freeview this weekend. Saw some of Edge of America. So far everyone's saying it's Indigenous Hoosiers, it's like Hoosiers but for Native Americans, and Hootka-siers, that kinda stuff. Probably irks Smoke Signals director Chris Eyre a little bit. Me myself, I'm not a big James McDaniel fan, his teeth are big and scary! Guess they couldn't get Joe Morton.

Stephen Colbert's Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown

In Crocodile Tears news, California Representative Randy "Duke-Stir" (sic) Cunningham (R) was caught taking bribes, at least $2.4 million worth! It does beg the question, when is enough enough? Is it enough to get into the Guinness Book of World Records? Did he save enough for the children's college fund? Why wasn't he more careful? Why didn't he just take gratuities from fitness magazines like everybody else? And Ah-nold?
Well, looks like ol' Jessica and ol' Nick finally split up. Too bad, they toughed it out pretty good through some turbulent waters. Perhaps this is all part of Ashlee's master plan. Maybe after a suitable period of alone time, Nick and Ashlee will hook up! In the meantime, Jessica will still appear on the covers of God knows how many Star magazine knock-offs, cataloguing her Tectonic cellulite with the finest university instruments available. Maybe we can learn something from our White Trash First Lady, and add to the Body Science just as she has added her body to ... ah, skip it. Too tired to complete the metaphor. Incidentally, I think I know why Jessica and Nick split up. I mean, who's that girl in this here photograph here? Oh, Nick, you dog!

Rest in peace, Pat

Man, how time flies! This was the best picture I could find of Miyagi. You may still be able to check out Slapstick of another Kind from your local video store, but we'll always have The Karate Kid.
Not much happening on this end. Daily Show/ Colbert Report's back from joint hiatus. They covered the Macy's Day parade. The balloon that exploded this time was an M&M balloon. I guess it was too tasteless to say that next year they should just have a NASCAR balloon and crash that into a light pole. We've got a nation to heal, people!
What else... oh yeah, Box Office report. Potter's still Boffo, gobbling it up at the Box Office, while Walk the Line is walkin' the Bottom Line, baby! Riding Harry Potter's shadow's coattails for all it's worth!!!! YM&O going strong; let's face it, no one expected it to do anything, not even the cast & crew. Chicken Little is Box-Office Big! Still kinda paltry for a Pixar-esque production, not counting Valiant. And we won't count it. Meanwhile, skipping right to the bottom half, Derailed is pulling out of the station, and the Ice Harvest? Yeah, more like Suck-Ass Harvest!
Oh dear, this blog is no longer for the kids...

Let The Transformation Continue!

Life imitates art: I think I smell that sequel to Single White Female after all! Oh wait, there is one. Who decides when these things get made, anyway? 2005 will go down in the annals of movie ledger history as a banner year for direct-to-video sequels, now filmed on digital video.

Anyway, yes, I think Ashlee Simpson finally gets it. Tired of being the reigning Queen of Mall Goth, she is now halfway on the path to becoming a clone of Jessica who, with all respect to Nick, will still always be my Ozark Goddess, as will all the current and future readers of Star and Us, with the occasional appearance on the likes of Maxim. Meanwhile, what about Aguilera? She just couldn't get any naked-er on the cover of Rolling Stone and gave up, and gone completely into hiding apparently! Come back to us.

So there Ashlee was on Letterman flogging her new CD, "I Am Me". Well, not as inspiring as, say, "Pieces of April" or "I do not want what I haven't got", and she's probably smarter than "I Am Sam". All she needs now is that pesky nose job and Jessica's got an identical twin! Clooney was on pushing Syriana. Wasn't he just on last month? Anyway, he was a little less Life Is Good this time as he was about Good Night & Good Luck, but as far as I'm concerned, he's still the current Gold Standard of what a movie star should be. Note the hair, for example, as compared to the old clip Dave trotted out. It's probably bad luck to say it, but the Oscar campaign is on, and honestly I can't think of anyone more deserving in any category he nabs. But if GN&GL and Syriana go head-to-head for Best Picture, then like Soderbergh before him, either way he loses. Okay, Mr. Clooney, rest on your laurels a little, but let's get cracking on Hail Caesar, huh?

Okay, some actual movie news. Yours, Mine & Ours is the latest from Dennis Quaid et alia as Quaid's Second Coming continues unabated. Rather than going on to Scooby Doo 3 editor-turned-director Raja Gosnell helms this one, and couldn't've picked a worse time. Not only does he have to compete with Harry Potter that his old boss Chris Columbus started, but he has to compete with Rent as well! Man, even I can't deal with that kind of stress...

Dayton Peace Accord 10th Anniversary

Just a brief shout out to the Dayton Peace accord signed in Dayton, Ohio ten years ago today! Let's hope all those guys get their act together... the Serbs, etc. Another country with three states trying to find stability. Hmm! What does that remind you of? ...IRAQ! Anyway...
There was some movie news, but I forgot already. But how about that box office? Harry Potter 4 at least opened stronger than the third one did, maybe because they opened HP3 in summer, hardly a time one thinks about ghouls and goblins and the Cato Institute. HP4 crossed the 100 million barrier faster than Chicken Little, who knew.
Oh yeah! Saw the cover of Premiere magazine with Naomi Watts and the new Peter Jackson! Oh, Pete, we hardly knew ye. What's Fran gonna say? Gone Hollywood after all, my friend, even though he insists on staying in New Zealand. If King Kong doesn't make a profit, you can at least sell us on your amazing diet plan. Make a book of it. Chapter 1: Spending day and night at WETA without eating...

SNL: Quickie review - Jason Lee 11/12/05

Opening bit: A different tact with the Democrats on Darrell Hammond's Hardball. Apparently, now it's: no matter what the Dems do, they're hated. Funny! And all this time I thought that was the Republicans.
As for the rest of the show, it was an unfortunate example of what happens when the host constricts the writing staff with narrow talent limitations. It's all about the moustache and the skating! And the promoting of My Name is Earl. There's a little more on the line when you're producing the show as well. Alas, Jim Carrey wasn't on hand to interrupt the Foo Fighters this time.

John Sayles in 'Mathnet' on Square One Television

He used this appearance to help fund Eight Men Out, which featured John Cusack, who today is starring in The Ice Harvest, which I fear may end up falling through the cracks harder than the Bedazzled remake. The audiences are so fickle these days. Is it just me, or are Robert Benton and Richard Russo the same person these days? One last razz: the last time Cusack and Billy Bob were in a picture together, we got Billy Bob-gelina. Maybe this time Billy Bob and Connie Nielsen will tie the knot, who knows. It could happen!
What else? Mouth-breather Keira Knightley was recently on the Daily Show plugging her latest flick Pride and/& Prejudice, wisely side-stepping the recent Domino. Sorry, Tony, but it's a fact; besides, Donnie Darko wasn't a box-office smash initially either. In the end, it's all just projects in-between Pirates sequels. Same thing happened with the Matrix movies. Whaddayagonna do?
What other movie news... Oh yeah. Derailed! Humph! Someone declared that this is Aniston's first strike in a new campaign to be a big movie star, post-Brangelina, I guess. (back to her again, oy! Well, she is pretty hot. And lippy.) From the ads, it's Death Wish-style antics of the Attractive People vs. the Butt-Ugly people, some with the One Bad Eye. Oh, why can't the Danny Trejo-types ever be the good guys? Or is it too late for his life story to be put on film? Get on it, Spy Kids man!
Man, I exhaust myself! Over and out, good buddies.

Mike War, Not Love

So Mike Love has finally announced his political leanings and appeared on Fox News, your one stop shop for evil. In particular, the ol' Bill O'Lielly show. Bill and Mike talked about Mike's pending lawsuit against Brian Wilson in regards to the release of Brian's "Smile" album. In short, Mike needs some more money to make his monthly alimony payments. Notice how they didn't talk at all about any of Mike's new projects. I think he's got a new album out that I'm never going to hear, and he certainly isn't going to make the kind of money off that than he will off any future lawsuits against Brian. I hope he loses them all.
Oh but there's so many others to beat up on. Schwarzenegger's suffering another defeat. The graft he's taking just isn't enough these days. So there you go. If a guy as rich as Schwarzenegger takes graft even though he says he won't, what hope is there for any of us? I do have an idea for 'Terminator 4' if Jonathan Mostow's interested. This time we focus on CyberDyne Industries itself, which is now under new management. The new management tries to find a way to make their Terminators cheaper with more plastic parts instead of metal. They try to ship jobs overseas to India and China, but the unions start getting up in arms. A Terminator is sent back in time to frame the heads of the unions, but as it turns out, Terminators aren't made for espionage, just blowing stuff up really good. That's all I got so far, I figure the third act will write itself, just like it did in T3. Maybe it's time to let James Cameron do his cinematic explanation of time travel as he wanted to do in T2. Or was it The Abyss? I just don't know.
Over and out.

Simpsons 17.4: Treehouse of Horror XVI

Well, they still got it as far as I'm concerned. Starting with an homage to the beginning of 'Contact' and the end of Men in Black, the Simpsons stay on the cutting edge of sit-com writing. We'll just have to wait til 2008 to see what the movie offers.
B.I.: Bartificial Intelligence - Spielberg must've got a chuckle out of that. It follows the arc of the movie pretty faithfully up to a point, and then it becomes Robocop 2!! Now I can't get that damn Eagles song out of my head.
...can't remember the name of that second one. SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST (had to look it up) Some good jokes: a reincarnated Apu screaming "Help me, Jesus!" and of course the bit with Moe, impaled on a cruel weather vane saying "Ah, well, might as well check my lottery ticket.... a million! Wow! I've won! Now if I can just get off this weather vane......"
I've Grown A Costume to your face... I bet Pixar wishes they thought of that. Does sound a little like a variation on the conceit of Monsters, Inc. Another good use of the massive Simpsons ensemble.

p.s. Isn't it episode 17.3? I think there were only two Simpsons last month. I hope, since that's all I taped.

Alzo Spracht Zathura

Oh, what a paltry box office weekend! The highest total grosser is Flightplan coming in at number 10, with just a shade under 100 million. Figures that family entertainment would trump Jarhead for the #1 spot, but still pretty damn good considering. No, the #1 spot goes to Chicken Little, Disney's F.U. to the departing Pixar. They may have the animation without Pixar, but word on the street is that the writing's not up to Pixar's par. Or did everyone else already forget about Valiant?

Not much else to report. Looks like Good Night and Good Luck might make a profit yet. Oscar buzz so far: Jarhead, Capote, Clooney? Will 2005 be for Clooney what 1994 was for Zemeckis, or 1997 was for Cameron? I'll get that ball rolling. Never mind, just did.

Meantime, what about Shopgirl? Maybe it's making money overseas. Steve Martin must not need the money.

Comparative Cinema 101: Fargo vs. North Country

In other news, we've gone from PG to PG-13 in the Harry Potters. Will we get to R by the seventh one? Goblet of Fire due in November. Why, I haven't even seen all of the third one! From what I saw, there's a hostage-style scene with Gary Oldman and David Thewlis, and for a second I thought I was watching Prick Up Your Ears.
Just saw a TV trailer for Syriana, or as they say on the Simpsons, Saudi Israelia. Glad to see Stephen Gaghan sobered up long enough to direct this Traffic-style saga. First drugs, now oil. Next thing you know they'll be attacking our American dependence on bananas, or chocolate.
So, Joe Wilson was on the Larry King show tonight. I'm telling you! If this was a Tom Clancy novel, Jack Ryan or Op Center- take your pick, everyone involved in leaking Plame's name would be taken care of in a Godfather-style, or Godfather 2-style, ending in which everyone gets whacked. Or maybe, whisked away to The Prisoner... I mean, the Island.
Meantime, Jeff Daniels' new movie was pointed out on The Colbert Report: The Squid and the Whale. Jeff must've thought he was making You Can Count on Me. And Noah Baumbach must've thought: this'll be just like Zissou except I'll get the profits this time!