No, Seriously... Broadway Danny Rose called, Wants its Plot Back

Ah, Netflix... where would Adam Sandler be without you?  Welp, it's not a wing of Amazon yet.  Maybe Sony, though.  While director Steven Brill does what he can... at least Little Nicky seemed to smack of effort... it's the same old thing.  All of Adam Sandler's friends stop by for cameos, while his really really good friends get bigger parts, like Nick Swardson of Bucky Larson fame... or infamy, rather.  Thanks to computers, he's better than Buster Keaton ever was.  The older I get, the less tolerance I have for pain, but maybe someday we'll skip right to the end of Haskell Wexler... I mean, "Sandy Wexler."  Characters that are fake pathetic can be fun, too.  And besides!  Broadway Danny Rose is in icky black and white!  Bore-ring.  Plus, Rose is not a 90s nostalgia piece.  Well, Sandler misses his adolescence a lot, and so do a lot of other people his age.  It happens.
Meanwhile, in non-Netflix news, one film in particular caught my eye.  Well, its poster, anyhow.  Charlie Sheen's latest bomb called 9/11.  You can tell from the poster that it's probably a drama.  He's trying as hard as he can to look serious, anyway.  But somehow it's fitting that Charlie Sheen would do a movie about 9/11 at some point.  I mean, he and 9/11 have a lot in common.  After all, one is the greatest disaster to ever happen on American soil... and the other is 9/11.  What?  What did I say?  I guess the point I was trying to make is the Oscar voting block should just skip right on ahead to the Irving Thalberg Award for Mr. Sheen.  Make it like for Saul Zaentz in 1996, an abundance of well-deserved riches.
But let's forget our troubles, get happy, and think about the immediate state of the big national storytelling marketplace.  First up at #2... It cleaned up again, as semi-expected... it's something called American Assassin.  I tell you, if Hollywood can't sell a unit like this, well... it's time to go into another business.  I mean, it's got everything.  It's got Americans, it's got assassins... probably guns, and a bikini girl in distress in the trailer.  Things readily available on the internet, either for purchase or just in picture form, and yet somehow they still put asses in seats.  God bless assassins... I mean, America.
Now, being a highly visual person, I noticed one detail of the poster right away.  Michael Keaton's face on the poster of American Assassin reminded me of a recent Kevin Costner outing... turns out it's called Criminal.  Simply Criminal.  Similar texture, but Costner's head is just a hell of a lot bigger... on the poster!  On the poster.  Let's try to leave ego out of this.  Let's just say they're both washed up!  Seriously, though... get started on that Beetlejuice sequel, dude.  I need to revamp my childhood memories some more, in HD and 1080p, 4k... all that crap.
Meanwhile, in all news Jennifer Lawrence, that movie with Spielberg about the photographer is off the table, alas.  But another X-Men movie is on it!  That's the trouble with Hunger Games, I suppose.  But we can wait 30 years to see how those crazy kids all grew up and became interesting silver screen adults.  Anyway, J. Law had a couple months off to let her hair down, so why not team up with auteur Darren Aronofsky?  He's sort of buddies with David O. Russell, for one.  His baffling new Mother! is confusing audiences and critics alike at #3.  Well, it worked for House at the End of the Street, so why not this one.  I gotta hand it to Aronofsky, because at least he's trying.  He created the new visual signature in The Wrestler, where we follow someone with a Steadi-Cam for a few minutes without seeing their face.  It's probably an old visual signature invented by Max Linder or Preston Sturges, of course, but he put a new dress on the old gal, so to speak.  Plus, it's been a while since we've seen a film where the characters have no names, or are basically named after their relation to the plot.  Two-Lane Blacktop has a little of that.  Maybe it's too early to call it, but... best Oscar for Lawrence?  Oh, right.  She's already got one.  Well, time to win a second one, and for LEAD performance, not supporting... oh, it was for lead?  Dayamn, grrl!  There's nowhere to go but down from here!