You know... every once in a while, a movie comes along that the critics just adore, and it even gets a little bit of attention on the talk shows. Maybe one of the stars stops by to flog their wares, and the host mentions the critical praise to them. And yet, it still sinks like a stone at the box office. Why is that? Whelp, in the case of something like Midnight Special, well... the light shone on the critics, but somehow the light didn't connect with the public at large, who weren't expecting a stealth Cyclops movie. Same dynamics might be at play with an "indie" darling like Hell or High Water, which was praised rather strongly by critics, and it's got some pretty serious star power to boot! I mean, it's got The Dude, for one, but arguably he's a bit more reactionary in this outing. Downright politically incorrect at times, even! But when it comes to predicting what the criminals will do next, he's kinda Dude-like in his thinking. Then there's Ben Foster. I mean, it's been a while since he was in an X-Files movie... I mean, X-Men. But he and Jeff Bridges are arguably the best things in the movie. Foster commits to his character, risking a tarnish to his public image.
Which brings me to the new Captain Kirk, Chris Pine, taking a smaller risk than Foster as a serious actor. Pine and Foster play brothers who are robbing a bunch of banks. Foster is more of the hardened criminal type, while Pine is just trying to help out. The instant this new hobby stops being fun, or someone gets killed, is the day he stops. Period.
Now, I hate to be so judgmental, and I know the critics liked this one a lot, but I gotta say... when I was reading the opening credits, and I saw Peter Berg's name in them, well... my heart sank a little bit. I knew the film was going to be good, just not too good. Somehow his work smacks of focus group testing in the bad sense. There's a reason even Michael Mann slowly backed away from this guy. Maybe they parted ways amicably, but Peter Berg wants to be The Man, so stay the hell out of his way. Everybody.
But let's start at the beginning. We start with a small town, probably somewhere between the (American) coasts, in a post-2008 economic landscape. Why, the only work there is anymore is robbing banks! And so, we start with a slight variation on the age-old ritual. The two robbers overpower a nice middle-aged lady who is first to unlock the bank in the morning, and the three of them have to sit and wait for the bank manager to arrive. The bank manager eventually arrives, wearing his ten gallon cowboy hat, and he doesn't notice that she's sitting there in the middle of the floor. I mean, if memory serves, he has to come through two glass doors to get into the bank and all that. Okay, so he's got a lot on his mind. And never looks up. But eventually he gets inside, sees her on the floor, and asks her what she's doing on the floor... and then we're back to business. The two robbers commit their robbery, taking only the small, unmarked bills from the registers, never the safe. Spoiler alert: this turns out later to be a smart move!
Next scene: exterior, and the bank robbers are driving away. A cop car passes by them... now, I had to stop the movie right there, if only in my mind. Let's say you're a cop, and you're on your way to stop a bank robbery in progress. There's only one car in town, and it's driving away from the bank, and there's two young guys in the car... WOULDN'T YOU FOLLOW SAID CAR? Is that asking too much? Probably. Am I asking too much of my movies? Am I being too much like the focus group in that one episode of The Simpsons? Do I just want a realistic down-to-earth movie that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
Now, I will give credit where credit's due. Whoever wrote the movie... one Taylor Sheridan... has crafted himself a fine plan for stealing a bank's money, and getting away with it afterwards. I'm not that good of a writer, and I can't lavish praise on this plan without spoiling it, so... MORE SPOILER ALERTS. Okay, first of all, there's the problem with the getaway car. Well, those Duke boys... I mean, Howard boys... have a fine plan, if a bit land-intensive. Much like in Used Cars, they've got a pre-dug, car-sized pit on ... what I'm assuming is their family ranch. They drive the car into the pit, then bulldoze it over with their bulldozer. They've got a slightly smaller bulldozer with a liftable shovel on the front. So there's that. And the second part: how to launder the money. Well, they do it themselves by... SPOILER ALERT... going to the local casino and buying that amount in chips! Genius. They're probably going to pass laws now to make it tougher to be able to do that. Thanks, pal. Well, probably not in Trump's America. Let freedom reign a bit more!
Meanwhile, Bridges and his partner are on the trail. Someone explains that the robberies aren't big enough for... the local police? State police? Alas, I don't have the movie in front of me, but needles to say, it's good enough for the Texas Rangers, so Bridges and his partner come in to save the day. They interview a few witnesses, and we're treated to the Texas Ranger way of doing things. Bridges asks for descriptions of the robbers. "Were they white?" he asks... I think that was one of the questions. I was waiting for one of the witnesses to say "Well, one was scary and did all the talking... and the other one had these blue eyes. These penetrating, soulful blue eyes... the kind of blue eyes you could just stare at all day. It's like you're floating in the air over two lakes, as though you're in a dream... the sweetest dream you've ever had in your life, and you never want to wake up, but you do feel like you have to choose one of the lakes, so you start with the one on the left, and you just stare and stare and stare until you can see the mud at the bottom of the lake. The water is just so clear, so beautiful... and if you look closely enough, you can see yourself, floating above the lake, at one with eternity... a state of infinite bliss..." Didn't happen, though. That small detail slipped through the cracks somehow.
But where did they irrevocably lose me? And they did irrevocably lose me. Well, in two places. But again... SPOILER ALERT. I'm just not that good, I'll be the first to admit. But I'll start with the second one... damn, I forgot! I don't take good notes during movies either, usually. I usually just try to enjoy myself, and stave off that damn logical brain of mine. Let's just say that there's a bit of a surprise, a Second Amendment surprise that one doesn't usually see in a dramatic movie. Anyway, at some point, Chris Pine gets wounded. Remember, he's the good brother who's just along for the ride. For me, his would was pretty serious, but for the sake of the movie, it was just a matter of the right tourniquet. It was like the bloodiest episode of "The Red Green Show" you've ever seen. And you know what they would use for a tourniquet... that's right! Duct tape.
But they had already lost me by then. No, the big reveal where they lost me came after they robbed a couple of banks. Sorry... SPOILER ALERT AGAIN. I think this will be the last one... also, I thought that the complicit car dealership was a little head-scratchy. Are they really stealing enough to be paying off another party? I mean, enough so to get a fresh getaway car out of the deal? I don't think so. I thought they were only taking small amounts from each bank. Anyway, after a couple of these flawless robberies, and after their car pits are positively bulging with cars, they have a conversation with someone... maybe on the phone. They tell this someone that THEY STRUCK OIL ON THEIR LAND. Unlike the Nixon family, who found oil after they sold their property, the Howards are going to become very, very rich. Very rich petro-millionaires. Hopefully, they won't go into business with Putin, as he tends to kill those who go against him. Even rich dudes! Or maybe especially the rich dudes, one or the other. So that's where they lost me. Rather than going to a bank and saying "Hey, I need a loan for a derrick for my oil-rich property" they decide to go the more adrenalin-fueled, against-the-law route of robbing banks... and steal enough to get their oil business going? That's like Gale and Evelle's plan of robbing banks until they can retire... or they get caught. But hey! Can't argue with results. Long story short, it ends well for Chris Pine and his future generations. As it should for oil magnates, of course. Life should be good for them... then, of course, there's all that pesky climate change stuff.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
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