Now, I know in this day and age, no one can tell Democrats and Republicans apart anymore, but it seems to me that Republicans always cry "Uncle" the loudest in situations like this. Makes me have a little more respect for guys like William Jefferson and Rostenkowski. They did their jail time and were proud to do it... Traficant, not so much. But Giuliani's crowning achievement of his life's work is apparently going to be going on TV now and saying "This $130,000... there's no way to prove it was political. No way at all." The burden of proof always seems to be higher in cases like this. Never high enough for Republicans, never low enough when it comes to the Democrats. I was going to say something like "Didn't he used to be the Mayor on 9/11? Didn't he used to be a respected prosecutor?", but really, what's the point?
It's times like these that made me want to "research" the Eleventh Commandment. That's another difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats don't seem to want to inscribe themselves into as fundamental a document to our culture as the Ten Commandments. Even I as a Democrat find the idea disgusting. Democrats having a Commandment... ick! The very idea. Republicans, on the other hand... why only an eleventh? I got a Twelfth one for you... "The Shareholders!" You know? "We gotta do it for the Shareholders!" We gotta cut down the rest of the Amazon rain forest, and screw more homeless people for the sake of the shareholders. They gotta have those monthly dividend checks, you know! Those things don't write themselves! Anyway, the text of the Eleventh Commandment, translated from the ancient Sanskrit slash Aramaic, states that "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican." Which seems to be in violation of a couple of the other commandments, specifically "Thou shalt not bear False Witness" and "Thou shalt not have any Strange Gods Before Me." Probably "Honor thy Father and Mother" as well. The point being is that this Eleventh Commandment is probably going to be used in an American courtroom in the coming months, when one or more people plead the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution. It is afforded them, after all, as taxpaying Americans.
My favourite Giuliani moment from today... he cleaned up his act a little for Stephanopoulos, of course. He feels a little more at home on the Fox and Friends, as most Republicans should. Giuliani complained that Stormy Daniels (aka Stephanie Clifford) was on SNL, and how disgusting that was. The very idea. Stormy and her lawyer probably ought to be ashamed of themselves. SNL fans were rejoicing, of course. Last night's opening sketch was probably the most star-studded five minutes of television in a long while. If everyone involved weren't donating their salaries to the cause of a great laugh, that five minutes would've cost about $150 million in star salaries at least.
Okay, on to the box office. Boy, people are so shallow. Do you hear anyone analyzing the domestic Second Week numbers behind the latest Avengers installment? Of course not! That's old hat. It's probably doing better than the gold standard, which is either 2008's The Dark Knight or the 2015 Star Wars. Still going strong, Avengers is on target to starting to turn a profit in the sixth or seventh week. Meanwhile, at #2, the top debut this week is a remake of the 1987 film Overboard. Somewhere, Leslie Dixon is smiling... probably in Hollywood. Well, some stories are destined for eternal recurring greatness, like the stories of Shakespeare or Arthur Conan Doyle or... the Tarzan guy. But I was reflecting on the great Hollywood romances that were brought about by movies... Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall... Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan... Tom Green and Drew Barrymore... could Anna Faris and ... the other guy experience the same off-screen experience as Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell clearly did? Could be! Faris is on the rebound after getting dumped by Star Lord, after all. In any event, the ad campaign for the new Overboard seems to have paid off.
The next debut this week is the latest collaboration between director Jason Reitman and screenwriter and all-around Renaissance girl Diablo Cody... I know that, as a practicing cinephile I should probably care about this, but I don't. The third and final debut this week is another twist on an old cliché, and it's called Bad Samaritan. I'm just a sucker for bad puns like that. I know this puts me at rather direct odds with the likes of Merrill Markoe, but I'm an old man now! It's an old man hobby! And what about the Marx Brothers? Was that not their stock and trade? Or is it now getting caught up in the net of extreme Political Correctness that our Internet-fueled era seems to suffer from? I mean, how could they make fun of Italians like that? What were they thinking? But I'm all about bridging divides, and I will concede that it's time to retire a few bad puns. The first one that comes to mind is that old, old pun on the French word "escargot." It'll be a terrific blow to golf douchebags everywhere, not being able to say anymore "Hey! Look at that 'S' car go!" but I dunno... they can think of another one to use, right? Force them to do some hard work for a change. I'll even take it one step further: here's how to put the cliché to sleep: Scene. A mob hit. Some mobsters have loaded a car full of dead bodies they need to get rid of. The car has an "S" on it somewhere, and they've soaked it in gasoline and are about to push it off a cliff...................
One last political thought. Our current, orange Commander in Chief always talks about what's "sad." You know, the tweets and what not. You know what's sad? Getting people to beg on your behalf for the Nobel Peace Prize. THAT is sad.
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