DAYAMN... A Box Office Story

Well, Motley Fool probably saw this coming.  But before we get to all that, let me just take this opportunity to tell you about the dream I had last night... last night, this morning.  So I was sitting there, trying to read a book... ever try reading a book in a dream?  The words never seem to stand still in mine!  That probably says more about me than I thought it would.  So I'm sitting there, reading, enjoying my pouch of dessicant packets I got off of Amazon from Whole Foods, WHEN SUDDENLY... I choke to death on the one piece of chocolate inside it.  Imagine that!  Death by chocolate in a dream!  And so I float up to Heaven, you know, as one does.  They give you wings to get up there, but once you get to the Heaven Admissions Office, it's a bit of a test.  They have an interview to see whether or not you're worthy to KEEP said wings once you go inside for an eternity of sitting on clouds and playing a harp.  So I'm talking to the guy, and it's the usual deal: where do you see yourself in five years, and what not.  And I think I'm giving all the right answers: you know, I see myself in five years being assistant conductor to Gerard Schwarz of the Heavenly Choir and all that.  I leave the room, understandably nervous.  And they send someone else out to tell me the bad news.  Figures.  So this old guy with a short white beard comes out with his clipboard.  He's actually got a lot of tattoos!  That comes as a bit of a shock.  But I guess Heaven is not so different from an American prison.  Lots of time to lift weights and get tattoos, I guess.  So the guy starts talking to me.  He says "Well, The Movie Jerk, I've got some bad news."  I try to explain that that's not my name, but whatever.  Try reasoning with old people about names. 
He says "You didn't make the cut, and you're going to have to go back to Earth to try again.  We'll give you a fresh soul and all that, but unfortunately you won't remember any of this."  So, being the pushy American I am, I try to figure out what I did wrong to get rejected from the Kingdom of Heaven this way.  The guy says "...does it matter?  I just told you you won't remember any of this!"  But I insist.  "I mean, all my friends are in Heaven!  Why don't I get to spend eternity with them?"  The white bearded guy says "Well, that's part of the problem, actually.  Now, you're on Facebook, right?"
I pause a second.  Facebook?  They have that in Heaven?  That's part of the Heavenly Entrance Interview? (TM)(R)(C)  I said, "Yeah, I'm on Facebook!  It's true."  He says "Well, first of all, you didn't become Facebook friends with that many of your actual friends from High School.  That's the first thing.  Second, for some reason, you didn't wish any of them a Happy Birthday when their big day came around."  I get understandably flustered about this, but whatever.  They got me dead to rights.  "And THIRD, and more importantly, none of THEM wished YOU a Happy Birthday.  So I'm afraid you're not allowed into this playpen.  No sir.  Not while I'M still alive and kicking."  I try to reason with the guy, of course, not thinking it would count as a general Karmic demerit for future lifetimes.  He finally says "And to be perfectly frank, we don't want your filthy, gutter types in our nice clean Heaven.  Good day, sir."  Rude, but polite, I suppose.  After all, he's a bodyguard for Heaven!  You'd imagine they'd be tough.  I woke up sweating, but that's partly because I left the window open last night.
...did I mention Scott Elliott yet?  How about this Scott Elliott?  And what about Naomi?  Okay, I've wasted enough peoples' time for one blog post.  As you may have heard, The Incredibles 2: Box Office Boogaloo opened at #1 this weekend.  You'll be seeing that at the gas pumps, perhaps, along with what's the #1 book and the #1 song.  Ooh!  Is that new Stephen King book doing real good?  But anyway, back to the movie.  I mean, 180 million?  That's Avengers-type numbers!  Well, arguably, it is a superhero movie.  Therefore let me be one of the first (on record) to make the suggestion... a third Oscar (TM)(C)(R) for writer director Brad Bird?  Wouldn't hurt if he came out as somewhere on the LGBTQQIA rainbow either.  Or would that just be gluttony?  I mean, it's not like Spielberg needs more affirmation.  We know!  He associates with quality people!  We know that!  We've seen that!
In other news, our second debut this week is far behind in third place, and it's called Tag.  Yes, that's right... the classic child's game is now an 'R'-rated movie with Ed Helms and that "Mad Men" actor fella.  We've matured beyond the old days of Bert and Ernie on Classic Sesame Street... kinda feels like we've devolved somehow.  Also kinda feels like that old white privilege... sorry, White Privilege (TM)(R)(C) that gets talked about a lot these days.  Hence the one black dude.  I'm just saying that Tyler Perry has yet to make a similar movie about a nice Christian black family with a similar multi-generational childish pastime that keeps them going.
Meanwhile, in seventh place, which is clearly disappointing to the filmmakers, is the 1080p 4K reboot of the 70s classic Superfly.  This one's called SuperFly, a victory for camel casers everywhere.  Now, I'm no armchair psychologist... oh, wait!  But I sorta am, right?  Anyway, I'm no accomplished Armchair Psychologist (TM) (R) (C), but when I saw the trailer for the new Superfly while searching through the commercials on "The Daily Show," even though we're living in the golden Hollywood age of sequels and reboots and Hollywood feeling ashamed of the old Roman numeral system of sequels, I still couldn't help but think to myself, oh man.  You can't remake Superfly, can you?  I mean... it's Superfly!  You can't remake that.  I mean, what next?  A remake of Willie Dynamite?  Roscoe Orman's been on Sesame Street for 40 years now!  He's too clean cut to make a cameo appearance in that.  And what about Cleopatra Jones?  You gonna remake that too?  How are you gonna replace Shelley Winters as Mommy?  I mean, it's Shelley Winters!  You know, Jonathan's sister?  Right?  You just can't do it.  You just can't.  I mean, sure, maybe Camryn Manheim's available and all, but...