A Confederacy of Debuts

Brought to you by Atheists for God.  Atheists for God!  Because, I mean, you know... I hear what Bill Maher's saying and all that, and I did, arguably, my ears kinda perked up when Christopher Hitchens said that the Catholic Church should be treated as a criminal organization... whatever he said, you can look it up.  On the other hand, Hitch also was in favour of the Iraq war at the time.  Grain of salt, that's all I'm saying.  I mean, the social media movements have done a lot of good, but getting rid of 2,000 years of human tradition doesn't happen overnight.  Besides, Buddhism's okay, isn't it?  One tends not to see an Atheist railing against the 'evils' of Buddhism.  I mean, you got those religious zealots blowing up ancient Buddhist carvings / statues; the Taliban ain't Atheists.  Let's have a little focus, people; doesn't have to be on the family here.
Also brought to you by Jalapeño Deodorant.  Jalapeño Deodorañt!  Feel the Burñ (TM).  Welp, while Lori Loughlin continues to get the best raves of her career... see, I was ahead of the curve on that one.  Does no one remember their Larry Sanders?  Hey!  It's already in her IMDb Bio page!  Cosby got a little more slack on his.  Anyway, Captain Marvel could only hold back the debuts for so long, and this week they've taken the multiplexes by storm.  Four of the damn things!  So we got three Pixar-type movies, and two halfsies (Captain Marvel and Alita: Battle Angel).  I guess everyone stayed home to watch Triple Frontier on Netflix.  I watched the opening credits and found out that Kathryn Bigelow's involved!  How good could it be if she's not willing to go on Jimmy Fallon to plug it?
Anyway, and so the first debut is "South Park"... I mean, Dog Park... sorry, forgot to take my anti-histrionics again.  Gosford Park?  Gorky Park?  Parkland?  "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"?  Wicker Park?  The Wicker Man?   Boy, I'm really not feeling the mojo today... Mansfield Park?  ...Wonder Park!  I think that's it.  Well, the kids seem to like it.  Hey, Wonder Park... the Open Season trilogy called, wants its bear character back.  Oh s'z'nap!  Still got it.  Meanwhile, for the young adults out there, we've got the latest, greatest incarnation of The Fault in Our Stars at #3, and this one's called "Six Feet Under"... I'm sorry, it's actually called Five Feet Apart.  The plot description reads as follows: "A pair of teenagers with life-threatening illnesses meet in a hospital and fall in love."  But when you see the trailer, you know it should read "A pair of extremely photogenic, supermodel-y shy teenagers with unspecified life-threatening illnesses..."  The rest of you can have all the love stories you want about Uggos or Oldies finding true love, but Five Feet Apart will not be dragged down to your level.  Not on my watch.  No sir!
Our third debut reflects the growing multicultural nature of the weekly Top 10... too racist?  Sorry.  Well, a lot of this is new to me.  The third debut is called No Manches Frida 2, which I'm assuming answers a lot of the open questions left from No Manches Frida 1.  I mean, there don't seem to be any stars in this thing... but Martha Higareda could well be on her way!  Could go either way at this point.
And again, Green Book is still hanging on in theatres.  A point of pride for Peter Farrelly.  It will hit 100 million domestic, no matter how long it takes.  Well, it made 1.3 million this weekend, for a grand total of 82.6 million, so... 18 more weeks ought to do it, right?  And so the last debut this week is I can only assume another one of those horror movies that takes place in one room with a bunch of wicked instruments of ... let's say, extreme exercise.  It's called Captive State, and I suppose the premise is a little unique, with a slight promise of a hefty CGI budget.  It revolves around Chicago "nearly a decade after an occupation by an extra-terrestrial force."  Nearly a decade?  Hmm... or as the Tea Party calls it, the Obama presidency.  Thank you!  Good night, everybody!