All That PG Allows

Brought to you by Douchebag In a Truck.  Douchebag In a Truck!  Why, you can probably see his fancy new bright headlights in your rear view mirror right now... and by Bacon Modeling Clay.  Bacon Modeling Clay!  Your kids can use it to make fanciful creations, and their parents can promptly pop them in the microwave for eating.  Your child's tears not included.  Whelp, it's yet another happy weekend for Disney, courtesy of Tim Burton, and this time it's a film called... The Stupids?  Our Idiot Brother?  Dummy?  Block-Heads?  Morons from Outer Space?  The Jerk?  Nah, it's just a CGI and culturally sensitive reboot of Dumbo featuring most of the cast of Batman Returns... you know, a little something for the film buffs from the previous generation.  I mean, it's #1 and all that, but... only 45 million domestic?  (clicks tongue, ambient nature sounds continues)  Maybe you should've done more ads during "The Daily Show" or something; try to appeal to the hipsters.  You know, the hipsters and the hucksters, the latest bands and the hottest hands... good luck finding that one on YouTube!
Meanwhile, back at the Christian Scientist lab, they've released their latest cannonball in the fight to save the soul of this nation, and it's called Unplanned... get it?  It's about Planned Parenthood!  GET IT?!!!  You can probably guess their take on the organization.  You know, if they really want to get under the skin of the ... damn.  Can't even think of the word.  Not atheist... hah!  Got it.  Take that, internet.  Ever feel like a broadcaster when you sit in front of the computer, thinking about your next data search?  Can't have any dead air, right?  If they really wanted to get under the collective secular skin, they could say... or release a statement to the press like "Unplanned continues in the same muckraking tradition of Gloria Steinem's famous 'A Bunny's Tale', which exposed the shabby working conditions at the Playboy Mansion, AKA Ground Zero of the Free Love Movement."  Well, I don't know much about life, but I do have online statistics.  Statistics like 150,000 people die every day, and one third of the world's population has tuberculosis.  Twenty-five species will go extinct today, but I'm supposed to go to the theatre to watch Unplanned because one woman saw something she didn't like at Planned Parenthood.  It's like Benghazi, and the Republicans getting all upset, saying over and over again "Four dead Americans..."  Where was Donald Rumsfeld when we needed him?  You know, to say "We can't control what goes on half-a-world away!" in that folksy way of his.  No, he was just as upset and as demanding answers as the rest of the Republicans.
And finally, on the wrong side of the proverbial Top 10 railroad tracks, Harmony Korine just can't seem to generate headlines like he could in 1995.  His latest is called The Big Lebowski... I mean, The Beach Bum featuring Matthew McConaughey and Snoop Dogg.  If nothing else, that must've been a fun set!