Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Short Reviews - August 2016

Ladies and gentlemen... guest reviewer Donald Trump

Absolute Power - I dunno.  I like Clint Eastwood and all... I just don't like the idea of him sneaking around in the White House.  That, I can tell you.

Across the Sea of Time - I look much better in IMAX, don't you think, folks?

The American President - Oh, but enough about me.  Isn't Melania great, folks?  Finally, a First Lady you can beat off to.  And this picture is worth way more than a thousand words, I assure you.

The Associate - I don't even remember making this one

Celebrity - I didn't really work with Woody Allen, folks... unless you like him.  Is he popular again yet?

A Dangerous Game - Ah, it's just a boring old documentary.  If it were an action movie with, say, Steven Seagal... now that I'd watch, that I can tell you!

The Dead Zone (1983) - "The missiles are flying.  Hallelujah, Hallelujah..."  Love that scene.

Eddie - I don't even remember making this one

"Eight is Enough" - Which reminds me, I do love what Mitch McConnell's done with the Supreme Court

54 - And to think, they went with Ryan Phillippe instead of me for the role of the young stud who does Salma Hayek... yuge mistake, folks.  Youge.

He Named Me Malala - And what's the deal with her, anyway?  She's a hero because she was shot.  I prefer people that didn't get shot, okay?

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York - I personally think it's some of my best work, and I just can't believe my suing 20th Century Fox for ten points on that film backfired the way it did.  Call me, Columbus!

Horrorween - As you remember from that one episode of the hit television show, "The Apprentice," I did this one because I lost a bet with Mark Cuban.  I am nothing if not a man of my word, no matter how stupid or childish the outcome may be for me and my family.  Your word's your bond, as Melania said.

Inside Job - I met with former President George W. Bush the other day.  Great guy, by the way.  Very misunderstood president.  He was telling me that when the big financial meltdown happened in September 2008, he personally gathered up all the big heads of the big banks.  He got them all into a room and he sat them down and said "We need to talk."  This is leadership people.  That's what leadership looked like.  So he sat them all down in the big conference room, with himself at the front, and he told it to them straight.  He said, "Dude... you couldn't wait six more months?  What the f... what the heck happened?!!!!"  He's very folksy, folks.  Very folksy guy.  He said "It was all gonna be so perfect.  The National Review..."  Great magazine, by the way.  Very underrated.  He said "The National Review was gonna run the story!  How our first black president destroyed the economy!  And during Black History Month, no less.  Irony of ironies.  Very unfortunate, very sad."

"The Jeffersons" - For the last time, it wasn't my appearance on the iconic, game-changing sitcom that led to its cancellation!  IT WASN'T!

The Little Rascals - I always felt that Waldo's Dad was the real star of that show, don't you folks?

Marmalade - So honored to be asked to be a part of cartoon history with this one.  But I'm a little torn because, like the Garfield movies... I mean, the characters aren't even drawn like they are in the newspapers!  They look totally different!  Totally different.  And why don't they start drawing them like they look in their movie versions?  Doesn't make sense... I'm being told I've confused this with Marmaduke.  Oh well.  My voters won't care.

Murder at 1600 - First saw this on Cinemax back in the day.  I mean, it starts off sexy enough and all that.  I don't keep using the same movies for, um... "inspiration," folks.  I like fresh material.  Russian, preferably.  So it starts off okay enough, folks... but then it turns into an actual movie!  Some kind of crime thriller or something.  Youge disappointment, folks.  Youge.

"The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore" - Awright!  Check one off my enemies list...

Southside with You - ......BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zoolander - Derek Zoolander's been very mean to me, I've just been told.  I'm glad I didn't do the sequel, I hate to tell you.  Youge disaster.  Youge.  I mean, look at their most recent appearance on SNL!  I mean, at first it's very complementary... but then it takes a very nasty turn!  I mean... LOOK AT IT!!!!!  (you can skip right to the good part)

In the Line of Fire - Sorry to say, but Clint Eastwood's best days were behind him, and I never thought Rene Russo was that hot, okay?

JFK - Sorry to say, but I was never really big on conspiracy theories, okay?

Assassination - Okay, okay... I see what's going on here.  Boy, is the media biased or what?  All I do is make ONE little comment about MY people, the Second Amendment people, and the next thing I know, I'm getting a probe stuck up my keister by the Secret Service.  But I will say that... man, but that Jill Ireland was sooo pageant-worthy.  And British to boot!  Brit babes are second only to Russians in my book.

The Assassination of Richard Nixon - ...that doesn't even make sense!  NIXON WASN'T ASSASSINATED!!!!!!!

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - Oh, give me a break.  Jesse James was never a politician.  If he's president of anything, it's loser history nerds who think James was the best outlaw.  It was Josey Wales, okay?  Everyone knows that, everyone tells me that.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! - Oh, please.  First of all, it takes years of training to become an assassin.  You can't just push a button and make someone become an assassin... can you?  I mean, is it traceable?  Anyway, and second, the only thing I remember from that movie is Leslie Nielsen grabbing a statue's penis... what?  What did I say?

The Jackal - Admit it, folks.  The part where Bruce Willis blew part of Jack Black away was pretty awesome, right?  Unfortunately, it wasn't for real.

Eagle Eye - Nope, not buying it.  They were just trying to impeach the president... someone was, anyway.  Some kind of robot or something.

RED 1 - Nope, they were trying to kill the vice president, folks.  Incidentally, how unfair is all of this?  Look at all these movies trying to kill politicians, and not one studio chief has been called to account.  Not one.  Not Ned Tanen, not Dawn Steel, not Michael Ovitz, not Michael Eisner... not one.

"Fatherland" - Ah!  That's a trick one.  It's fiction posing the question, what if Hitler wasn't assassinated?  As for me, well, I'd go into Germanian real estate, of course.  All the way.  Bigly.

Valkyrie - Ouch.  Now THAT's kinda mean...

The Last Boy Scout - No, they're only going for a senator in this one.  Now that's modesty!

The Pelican Brief - No, they're only going for members of the Supreme Court.  Now that'll get Roe v. Wade overturned!

Machete - ...was there an assassination plot in that?  I only remember the scene in the pool with Lindsay Lohan and her skanky mother.  Now that's a three-way!

Ella Enchanted - Nice Anne Hathaway in an assassination movie?  I refuse to believe it.  Bigly.

Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold - STAY AWAY FROM MY CASINO, BITCH

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