Hold yer Hosses

Awright, time to dive in to the next Popeye short, Shoein' Hosses.  Not one of my go-to shorts, but who knows?  Maybe it'll be good.

ACT ONE

Things are looking up!  As with Bridge Ahoy!, the title card sequence has a song with lyrics to accompany it!  Sounds like it's being sung by the voice of Bluto... as with Bridge Ahoy!  This current one's got big shoes to fill already.  "How the smithy must feel when there are no wagons to wheel..."  I love it.  Yes, the automobile put a lot of people out of work initially, didn't it?  DAMN YOU, FORD!!!!!  And with Olive Oyl working as a blacksmith, well... Popeye was pretty chauvinist back in his heyday.  Why, he was against sailors dating mermaids in the cartoon strips, for God's sake!  "It ain't eti-cute!" he probably said.
First scene: the exterior of Olive's "Ye Blacksmith Shoppe."  See?  She was a job creator back then.  The '50s tamed her, making her nothing more than Popeye's sidekick.  No life of her own.  And always with Bluto saying "How's about that kiss?" as if he's Clark Gable or something.  Anyway, check out the tree next to the shoppe.  The Flesichers kick ass!
Olive's trying to hammer on a hot horseshoe, but Wimpy's holding it with tongs.  He keeps going in for a bite of his endless ... hamburger?  Looks more like a pita bread dealie.  Nice to see someone's trying to eat healthy for a change.  They get stuck in an endless loop, with Olive getting angry at constantly just hitting the anvil and not the damn hot horseshoe.  The good news is the loop gets broken.  The bad news is Olive's ass gets burned by the horseshoe  to do it.  She doesn't take it standing up, however, and she chucks the burning hot horseshoe right back at Wimpy.  It bounces off Wimpy's head and falls into his pants... and his ass gets burned!  He runs out of the shoppe, but returns to pick up his hamburger, of course.  See the way Wimpy's running?  That's the way cartoon characters are supposed to run, damn it.  Call me old-fashioned if you will. Olive puts up a "Help Wanted" sign, advertising for employees that are strong, handsome and willing.  How 0 for 3 Wimpy got that job I'll never know.
As often happens, these plot developments come in pairs, and no sooner does a fresh job opening at Olive's blacksmith shoppe open than it's time for Popeye to reintroduce himself to audiences waiting for the double feature to begin.  Even Popeye gets bored with the same ol' song, and this time he changes the "Strong to the finich" part to "The way to get wealthy is to always keep healthy."  Makes a little more sense than the Book of the Talents, anyway.  Popeye's theme ends with Popeye ending up at the entrance to Olive's shop, and the song ends with Popeye sneezing, rather than one last whistle blow.  Again, the boredom, and the next new way to fight it.  Popeye reads Olive's "Help Wanted" sign, and knows right away that this is the job for him.  Seeing Olive sweeping up seals the deal, of course, and he dolls himself up as best he can, spitting into his hand and rubbing it into his hair.  Sheesh.  Well, can't argue with results... you know, I just noticed something but never thought to actually articulate it.  Does Popeye have nipples on his kneecaps?

ACT TWO

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, but not far enough away that he can't see the same job offer at the same time that Popeye does... these plot developments seem to come in pairs... Bluto leaves a saloon, trashes its swinging doors, bends a lamp post out of shape to light his cigar, hikes his pants and heads out into the world, looking for "a good time," as George Carlin would often say derisively about α-males.  Popeye's down to scrubbing his shoes when Bluto arrives, reads the sign, and declares "That means me!"  He then breaks the sign in two and throws the halves away.  Good thing Olive didn't see that... then again, she'd probably like that, who knows.
Popeye and Bluto are in lockstep now.  They bend the entrance to the shoppe slightly as they enter at the same time.  They march up to Olive and say "I wants ta join!"... I mean, "I wants the job!"  Olive is confused at first, and understandably so.  She invites the two of them to demonstrate their skills, and yet another pissing contest between Popeye and Bluto begins in earnest.
Now, it doesn't happen often, but every once in a while the rules of cartoon physics get violated.  That's the least of the problems of, say, Catch as Cats Can, for example.  That one holds a special place of infamy in my heart because it makes cartoon violence seem like a bad thing, but we'll save that for later.  As for Shoein' Hosses, well, Bluto picks up a hot flat piece of iron... and holds on to the hot part with his bare hands.  On top of that, he bends the hot part around his arm.  Kids, do not... well, what percentage of kids these days will ever be around molten steel?  Maybe more likely in the South.  Anyway, as I get older, that's the kind of thing I have a problem with.  Also, the YouTube's Gio Ranada points out that 2:36 represents the first light saber.  Not that I'm on Bluto's side of anything, but technically, it shows up at 2:19.  But I suppose it makes it a light saber because Popeye undoes Bluto's curly fry effect with the same piece of iron.  I mean, if a cartoon character's going to get credit for inventing the light saber, it should be Popeye over Bluto, am I right?
Frankly, Olive should hire both of these guys right now.  Think of the money she'll save on safety equipment! The next feat of strength: the I-beam segment.  Bluto lifts a small hunk of I-beam onto an anvil and beats it three times with a sledgehammer.  The I-beam splits in half.  Bluto looks over at Popeye.  Popeye lifts his own hunk of I-beam onto an anvil of his own.  In two sledgehammer hits, Popeye splits the I-beam, the anvil, and the pieces of wood the anvil was anchored to.  Frankly, I think Olive should hire Bluto.  Popeye might have some trouble with finesse work and end up inadvertently destroying the entire shop.
Next feat of strength: something involving the proverbial wagon wheels that were sung about earlier.  Bluto struggles, but manages to wrap a piece of metal around a wagon wheel.  The metal piece is a bit longer than the wheel's circumference and there's a bit of overlap to drive in a rivet.  In a bit of Popeye-esque freakishness, Bluto clamps down on the rivet with his teeth so hard that, not only does he drive the rivet into place, but the metal strip now appears seamless!  No sign of the overlap!  Popeye does the same thing, but faster of course, but he's got the help of gravity and Newton's laws on his side.  Popeye throws his metal strip at his wagon wheel, and the wheel kinda does the rest somehow.  Why, it even sets itself into place on a wagon and self-fastens with a square-shaped nut!
It's at this point that Bluto realizes he can't win playing by the rules, so he's going to have to play dirty and knock out Popeye somehow.  But... one more strength feat first: the horseshoeing of horses, as hinted at by the film's title.  Bluto goes over to a sad-looking white horse and pounds in horseshoes into its two front hooves, then into its two rear hooves... all with just his fist.  And, on top of that, Bluto's horse is smiling now!  Kinda makes me want to see an educational film about how it's actually done.  Certainly not the way Popeye does it, who carefully arranges the four horseshoes on the ground, then gently slams the horse down onto all of them at the same time.  Popeye is indeed automation personified.  (...they're not on backwards, are they?)
Popeye gives the laugh he gave in Blow me Down.  Okay... at this point, not only does Bluto realize he can't win, he wants to f... to strangle Popeye with his bare hands.  "Oh me, oh my... CURSES!!!" says Bluto.  I've seen Bluto mad before, but usually not this mad.  This is indeed an outlier... hah!  Finally, all those statistics classes comes in handy.

ACT THREE

And so, the reign of Bluto's new-found paradigm begins.  He rips one of the anvils out of the floor and throws it at Popeye.  Popeye's head splits the anvil into two equal-sized pieces.  Oh, and Popeye gets a little faint and falls to the floor.  Hmm!  Maybe Popeye's head could be used in some unforeseen industrial process.
And then... as part of Bluto's new-found paradigm, he's strangling Olive, asking "Well?  Do I get the job?"  Dayamn.  I haven't seen Olive strangled like that since Learn Polikeness... I've seen a lot of these out of order, you see.  Now, there's probably some room for discussion about the political or sociological ramifications of this section, but... what's the point, really?  If, for example, you were to point out that Bluto seems to be acting like an evil Democrat hell-bent on taxing the rich, they would either wholeheartedly agree, or give you some line about Bluto fulfilling his manifest destiny, or something about the "Promise Keepers."  Sheesh.  Some '90s references are best left alone.  Besides, Olive needs to be shown the foolishness of her lifestyle choice; the more tough love involved, the better.  But no.  Popeye has to come to and protect the vested interests of the goose-stepping Diversity Nazis.  Popeye interrupts Bluto in the midst of his strangling, taps him on the shoulder and says... too bad YouTube doesn't have closed-captioning.  I think he says "Dont'cha know that the female sex is the weakerist?"  Frankly, that's even more chauvinistic than what Bluto was doing.  If women want to be truly equal, getting strangled is the biggest part of that package.  Of course, Bluto's not exactly a right-wing intellectual; he just tends to hit the things he doesn't like, and he now turns his attention on Popeye.  "Sez you!" says Bluto and he bonks Popeye on the head, mashing him down like a coiled spring.  Popeye rebounds in a stunned state, but he's got a fist pointed at the sky, and he manages to deck Bluto in the chin.  This loop repeats a second time, but on the third iteration, Bluto has the presence of mind to get out of the way of Popeye's fist.  I hate to use the phrase as you might know, but this is indeed a "game changing" moment for Bluto.  As Popeye heads back to Earth from his latest bounce, Bluto sends him flying into the wall.  Popeye destroys a brick kiln that was under a ventilation pipe.  As with Ollie in Dirty Work, Popeye lies there for a while amidst the rubble of brick and cement, preparing to rise like a phoenix.  His head emerges from the bricks, and is glowing like a piece of steel.  Blaring trumpets accentuate Popeye's sorry state.  Bluto laughs and pulls the glowing hot Popeye from the bricks.  As it turns out, the heat of the kiln fire has transferred to Popeye, and Popeye's upper half now shines bright as if he were a piece of steel.  Bluto lays him on the last undestroyed anvil in the place and starts beating Popeye on the head with his fist to a tune similar to that ubiquitous anvil song from Barber of Seville, but just different enough to throw off the copyright lawyers.  It's spinach time.
For some reason, Bluto never sees it coming.  As Popeye's getting hit on the head, he downs a mouthful of spinach, then lands just one punch in Bluto's large gut.  Bluto holds his gut like a little sissy baby.  The next punch from Popeye sends Bluto against a wall, where he dislodges a large box full of about a thousand horseshoes.  Bluto rises from the giant pile of horseshoes on the floor and tries to fight back in vain.  Bluto quickly mumbles "You can't do that to me and get away with it!!!" and starts throwing the horseshoes like a machine gun firing bullets.  Cut to Popeye caught in a hail of horseshoes; Bluto's not as accurate with them as it first seemed.  Popeye catches a bunch of horseshoes on both arms and fires them right back at Bluto, who ends up with horseshoe imprints on his gut and forehead.  Bluto regains his composure, and starts throwing some more horseshoes.
It's at this point that Olive Oyl reappears, trying to get these two idiots to stop fighting each other, as they're kinda destroying her shop.  Frankly, she needs to call off their job audition right now.  Olive now gets pinned to the wall by horseshoes: first her ankles, then wrists... then her neck!  Any more than that would just be cruel.  She could probably get her abdomen pinned by a horseshoe and still have room to breathe, but never mind.  Cut to Popeye who's starting to turn the repelling of horseshoes into a musical art form.  Bluto's too busy throwing the horseshoes that he doesn't do as good a job protecting himself from the ones that return, of which there seem to be quite a few.  Bluto gets hit on the head and grows a giant lump so tall that, you know, it'd be perfect for a game of... damn, those Fleischers are always three steps ahead.
Bluto recovers from his latest indignity, then comes up with a brilliant idea of his own.  Sorry, I mean "brilliant."  One of those ideas that would only work in a cartoon.  He starts loading horseshoes into a giant bellows.  He fills up his bellows, squeezes on it and... it works!  He sends a steady stream of horseshoes at or near Popeye.  The only drawback is that he has to keep pumping it very rapidly to send this machine gun bullet-esque stream of horseshoes at his target.  Also, it sounds like a cowbell, which frankly is much worse, am I right?  Too much cowbell!!
Popeye's standing out of the way of the stream of horseshoes, but quickly turns it into horseshoe lemonade.  He starts hammering the horseshoes into a chain.  Patriotic music starts playing... oh, God!  I admit it!  I don't know what it's called... but I think this is the first time it's used in a Popeye short.  After Popeye makes about 28 links in his chain, he hammers the anvil itself into a giant Navy-grade anchor.  See?  Again, no finesse work.  He punches a hole in the floor with the anchor, thereby holding it in place.  He gathers up all of the anchor's chain, which seems to have grown about 5 to 6 times the length that Popeye originally gave it, and throws it at Bluto.  The chain now has a hook on the end of it, and Bluto's got a new chain belt.

EPILOGUE

Bluto's got one last shot at this thing.  He runs over to Popeye with his new chain belt, but it was over before it began.  Popeye sends Bluto flying upward, knocking a hole in Olive's ceiling.  Bluto would normally fly around the world at this point, but the anchor and chain constrains his range.  Popeye sends Bluto straight up again.  No new hole in the ceiling this time!  Third time's the charm, however.  Popeye sends Bluto at a 45 degree angle now, knocking a new hole in the side of the ceiling, and leaving Bluto dangling in the entrance of the smith shop.  Popeye goes over to Olive and she kisses him.  Popeye frees Olive from the wall with one punch.  No finesse.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Robert Adetuyi

See also: Alfons Adetuyi.  Kewl!  A picture of Robert!  He must be doing something right!

Box Office 2-17-'13

Well, as dictated by the TV ad campaign, all involved are hoping that the latest entry in the Die Hard series, (second to last, apparently) will do well.  Meanwhile, I've got another exclusive here at The Movie Hooligan!  Of course, if you have young children you might want to have them leave the room for this, because it's an exclusive excerpt from Kevin Smith's new project, Clerks: The Western.  I'm guessing he'll probably throw in a reference to Back to the Future III or two into it for the film geeks out there.  Anyway, the part that my secret source sent to me is just a typical day in the life of Dante Hickenlooper and Randal Graves.  As usual, they run a store that gets a lot of quirky, interesting customers that doesn't seem to sell a whole lot, like a guy who seems to be sitting on the floor, examining every bullet very carefully... emptying out the powder and putting it back together.  I'm assuming it takes place after the Civil War, like a real Western should.  Cowboys and Aliens was post-Civil War, right?  Anyway, for all you fans of Kevin Smith dialogue, here's the exclusive excerpt:

Dante: (to Randal) Alas, I am not taking to married life like I thought I would.
Randal: No more going to that Burlesque house down da street, or the bordello at the other end of da street, I take it?
Dante: Don't be silly!  My wife will not dictate where I can and can't go!  No, it's just that the shackles of marriage seem to quell the fire of the physical act of love that existed before we got married.  A fire hot enough for heating several cattle-branding irons.  And on top of that, no pun intended, my new bride keeps insisting I make love to her in her rectum.  The very idea!  (you might want to skip this part... )  I mean, that's where excrement comes from, for God's sake!  I mean, God forbid something should go awry and the baby ends up gestating in my wife's rectum for nine months!  I highly suspect a fragile baby will not be able to dodge passing turds for even a fraction of that time!
Randal: See, that's the problem with you all over, Dante.  You don't take risks.  You're not willing to do da job a man is willing to do.  Perhaps I can help you with your wife's fornication problem...
Dante: Thou filthy-minded brigand!  And the ultimate ironical tautology of it all is that I wasn't even supposed to be here today!  I CURSE the Gods of sky and desert!!!

And to think the MPAA wants to deny that Mamet-worthy gem the PG-13.  Better call upon the Weinsteins again, Kev!
...where was I?  Oh, right.  Four debuts this week, Die Hard barely gets #1 spot.  Gotta run!

The Clan of the Cave Stooge

The next Stooge short is called I'm a Monkey's Uncle.  It's about the Stooges as cavemen.  And yes... they're aware of the Darwin connection.  Can you believe that they still won't play this one on Southern television?  God bless the diversity of America!

ACT ONE

After no less than two wacky title cards, we get a nice long dolly shot into the heart of darkness: a cave wherein lie three sleeping cave-Stooges.  You can tell because they're shirtless and sleeping on the floor under a bear skin blanket.  I mean, it's obvious, ain't it?
I hate to pit Stooge against Stooge, but no Stooge snores better than Shemp.  He always brings his A-game to the snoring.
Alas, Moe's story takes center stage now.  And even though they're supposed to be cavemen, their dreams are haunted by love.  The lost loves of yestercave.  Time for Moe to talk in his sleep, thinking that Shemp's a pretty girl.  I don't think they've done this gag a whole lot, but it still seems old.  Shemp gets sufficiently horrified, however.  But it's been a while since he's received a complement on his looks, and apparently he'll take anything he can get, even from a sleeping Moe.  Trying not to wake Moe, Shemp brushes off Moe's somnambulic advances... something like that.  Now it's Larry's turn.  In his sleeping state, Moe confuses Larry's curly hair with the petals of a flower... gee, I wonder what's going to happen?  Larry takes his abuse like a disgruntled Stooge, and Moe never wakes up!  God, Larry's such a tool.  Moe continues his quasi-mumbling.  He says to his dream girl "I'll give you security."  What a strange thing for a cave-Stooge to say!  But it's all leading to the following, folks: Moe says "What will you give me?"  That's Larry's opening to hit Moe in his sleep.  Something cowardly about that, but that's Larry for ya.  Moe wakes up, angry of course.  Larry tells Moe "Wake up and go to sleep!"  Moe complains that Larry ruined his perfectly good dream... you rarely ever hear people do that in real life, let alone cavemen.  Shemp stays asleep through the disturbance, but Moe and Lawrence quickly return to sleep, and they're all facing Stage Left, blowing on a plant.  I know, I know, normally I'd say "That's so gay," but I'm trying to follow the advice of a poster I saw.  I still reserve the right to call things "retarded," however, which kinda describes the entire Stooge catalog in one word, in a way.  Or maybe just "childish."  But trudge on I must.
Anyway, as I said before, the Stooges are all asleep, blowing on a leafy plant.  Cross-fade to next scene, where the plant no longer has leaves.  See, they blew off all the... ah, skip it.  And then... even though they're cavemen, technically, the brainpower of Rube Goldberg courses through our collective brains.  In this case, Moe's got a string tied to his foot, and the other end is in a river so fake, it would make Night of the Hunter blush.  That's the whole Stooge short's budget right there, I betcha!  Hollywood water don't come cheap, you know!  They have to have it trucked in all the way from Marin County, where George Lucas gets his cut, then promptly gives it to charity.  Apparently, caveman Moe caught a fish, but it sure looks like a production assistant's tugging on the string tied to his foot.  Moe gets up and goes to get the fish.  And by golly, there's a dyed-in-the-wool actual living fish, all right.  Screw the ASPCA and Peta, it's a living, breathing fish.  It gets worse, so let's get back to the action.  Moe goes to wake up the other two to show the great fish they now got.  He hits Larry on the head with a special small club several times.  Larry wakes up normally, almost eager to greet the day.  So much for intelligent design.  He then taps out the NBC logo on Shemp's head and, as in several Tex Avery cartoons, the sound gets cut short to hilarious effect... okay, the hastiest example I can find is a clip from Happy-Go-Nutty where the dope who chases Screwy Squirrel around falls from a great height.  Screwy steps out of the way at the last second, and the dope makes an impact crater with his ass, resulting in an explosion sound.  The explosion sound gets cut off at about 5:22 in this link.  Sorry, that's the best I can do for now.
So, all the Stooges are awake now, and Moe shows them what he got.  Cut to a close-up of the fish... oh, how cute!  That fish is actually barking!  Must be a dogfish.  No, it's trying not to die.  See, the clever audio editors dubbed in a barking sound every time the fish opens its unfortunate mouth to filter air out of the water its SUPPOSED TO BE IN.  Shemp gets excited, proclaiming "A dogfish!"  Ever the doubting Thomas, Larry says "I hope it ain't got fleas."  For this he gets an eye poke from a hand with fish goo all over it.  Shemp gets tasked to prepare the fish while Moe and Larry go to take "a dip."  So ga... stop it!  They're dead butch.  Everyone in Hollywood knew it.  Why, they even helped out a Hollywood fegeler or two by casting them in bit parts.  Larry's pun was pretty good, but Shemp's about to outdo him.  Moe asks Shemp, "Did you take a bath?"  Shemp replies "Why?  Is there one missing?"  I know, I know, but I just want to see if anyone's paying attention.  Oh, the loneliness of the long distance blogger.  Anywho, exeunt Stage Right Moseph and Lawrence.  We now focus on Shemp and the untidy business of food preparation, Survivorman style.
Shemp should've not forgotten his own strength, seeing as how he was able to blow off the leaves of a dead plant in his sleep.  He sets down the fish, probably now dead, and blows on the campfire spot.  He blows too hard a second time, and a miniature volcano of dirt and ash blows up into his face.  He waits about ten seconds, makes a half-assed attempt to wipe off his face, then says "How do you like that?  The fire went out!"  Lol.  Well, things moved slower back then.  Very slow.  Shemp proceeds to gather some dry kindling for a fire, then takes out a lighter.  We gotta keep this bitch moving, after all.  Can't be wasting time rubbing two sticks together now!  "Don't fail me, baby," Shemp says to his lighter.  Shemp must've been the hippest of the Stooges, at least for the '50s.  Curly was chic for the '30s and '40s; long time to be chic!  Alas, very few wanted to copy his hairstyle.  'Tis quite popular now, though, in this Rogaine-sparse age.  And did I mention that he's still got dirt on his face?  Shemp must've been the hardest working Stooge.  No wonder he fizzled out after eight years.  He didn't go into it for the long haul like Moe and Larry.
Anyway, Shemp gets a raging fire going, and surprisingly doesn't get scared by it.  You know, I'm starting to think that they're not really cavemen!  Shemp then proceeds to chop some lumber.  Hey, he's not going to... he does!  That's Larry's bit, damn it!  Shemp chops one piece of lumber, and the piece of lumber flies high up into the air, then comes back down on LARRY'S HEAD!  Breaking into a million and six pieces.  Larry, damn it.  Larry.  I forget which one right now, lucky for Shemp.  Shemp regains his balance after being hit on the head by kindling... well, the stream ate up their budget, so they couldn't afford the piece of wood that breaks into kindling.  Shemp happily gathers up kindling to dump on the fire, and then... "Milkman!" someone says.  Geez.  Anyone left who was trying to retain one small shred of suspension of disbelief?  Just me, I guess.  Sheesh!!

ACT TWO

Shemp goes out to greet the milkman, who has a cow named Sassafrass.  Shemp tries to help the milkman by singing the saddest song in the world as he milks.  Of course, this wouldn't be a proper Stooge film if Shemp didn't get splashed in the face... oh, thank God!  I was starting to get worried.  Shemp in turn tries to milk the indignity of it all for as long as he can... see how I did that?  Ten seconds!  Not bad!
Back to Moe and Larry who have returned from their "dip."... Sorry, I spoke too soon.  They're apparently starting their dip now.  Moe violently washes his face with the icky stream water.  Frankly, I'd probably react the same way.  And even though they're cavemen, they're not so uncivilized that they don't have their own towels!  The down side: the "towels" are just giant palm leaves or something.  Moe washes his face with it.  Frankly, he'd probably be better off leaving his face alone.  The leaves probably have some kind of waxy buildup on them or some kind of corrosive oil.  Moe says "Boy, the water's sure cold today!"  Larry takes this very much to heart, and carefully sticks one hand into the water, waits a beat, then says "Oof!" and starts vigorously "drying" himself off" with his towel.  Moe turns and watches... oh, Larry's in for such a beating, but I'll take bets on Moe pushing Larry into the water... damn.  Well, from a legal perspective, the statement's correct, but screw that.  Moe just pushes Larry's head into the water.  Next scene: a crunching sound.  Moe lifts Larry's head out of the water and boom!  A turtle's stuck to Larry's face.  Moe pries it off and wonders what they'll have for supper.  Well, cavemen probably didn't worry about keeping kosher, why should the cave Stooges?  Now, if I were Moe, I'd probably dip Larry's head in a second time to see what else his savory proboscis would lure to the surface, but that's why I'm me and Moe is Moe.  Don't want to get the stream community too jaded, after all!  They'll stop biting at Larry's nose if he sticks it in there too often.  Moe pushes Larry off-screen and tells him "TAKE THE TURTLE!!!"  Oh, I hope that that was improvised.
Next scene: Larry goes inside and shows Shemp the turtle.  Shemp's about to make butter with some of the milk.  Pretty sophisticated for cavemen!  And so, they start to make the butter... geez!  Get a room, guys!  I know, I know, shame on me and my filthy mind, indeed.  Boy, this plot's moving right along!  The time killers are disguised pretty good this time.  And so, a few seconds and one cross-fade later, the butter's done.  "Grade A!" says Shemp.
Meanwhile, back to Moe, who's already put in a full day at this point.  Time for a well-earned nap... and time to kill some time.  Just then, a bird lands on Moe's head and starts pecking at Moe's head.  Moe can't see what's on his head, but he cuts right to the chase and assumes it's dinner.  He grabs the biggest stick he can find and hits himself promptly in the head with it.  "Ow-ow-ow-ow!  OW!" he says.  Oh, they totally dubbed that in later.  I guess the bird made too much noise or something.  Boy, some Master's Degree I got.  I don't even know what kind of bird that was!  But this next one I know... a duck!  Boy, now it's really time to kill some time, if what I think is coming is indeed coming!
And so, the epic battle of Moe v. Duck begins.  Oh, I can't bear to watch, but I have to.  There's no reason why the rest of you shouldn't go out into the lobby til this all blows over!!!
Long story short: ducks are still smarter than Stooges.  Final score: duck 14, Moe 0.  And I count every time Moe splashed the water like an idiot.  He was starting to channel Curly a li'l bit there!  And... was that duck laughing at Moe?  Fade to black.
Fade in: a meal is complete, the fish having been eaten.  And more importantly, Moe's ass has been quickly healed, and his thoughts turn to the cave ladies.  Time to get "dolled up," as he says.  Yes, it's a unisex expression now.  Time to kill some more time.  Moe tells the others that he dreamed about Aggie again last night.  Shemp and Larry start getting too complementary about her, so Moe has to keep them in line.  To compound matters, Moe hogs all the cologne, and starts putting butter in his hair.  He's either "dolled up like never before," or he'd make a tasty dish for a hungry bear.  Just then, the joyous laughter of cave women.  Next scene: the girls proper, but they've got their faces hidden behind fronds of leaves.  Gee, I wonder why?  I just have absolutely no idea!

ACT THREE

The boys get their special "courting" clubs.  This must be George Basalla's favorite Stooge film of all, if he were to watch Stooge films.  The boys run out and lightly tap their girls on the head with the courting clubs.  No response.  They try again.  No response.  Maggie says "Let's just ignore them, girls."  Clever plan!... I guess.  The Stooges give another tap to no avail.  Finally, Moe says their names and they turn around.  Aggie says "Hello, Moe!  Whaddaya know?"  Shemp and Larry give a contemporary 1948-type response to that.  At least, I hope that's what it was.  And so, the girls introduce themselves.  Personally, I think Maggie's the real attractive one, but that's just me.  And poor Shemp, he gets stuck with his foil from Brideless Groom, the wonderful Dee Green.  Poor thing, she came from Peoria, got chewed up by Hollywood, and returned to Rockford to retire.  'Tis the curse of Rockford, I tells ya!  To accentuate things, Dee's got a blacked-out tooth.  See, she's the ugly one, you see...
Shemp and Dee trade some light-hearted jabs, but alas, Dee is not turned off easily.  And, she doesn't seem to get it.  And unfortunately for Shemp, he can't seem to escape Dee's orbit... could Shemp be falling in love?  Of course, he gets mad when Dee hits him so hard... twice, no less!  Dee... er, I mean, Baggie goes in for a kiss, but Shemp resists... or demurs?  While Shemp resists the affections of Baggie, Larry and Moe get busy going in for the big final "I Love You" clubbing.  Larry clubs Maggie... lucky bastid... and she faints, saying "He loves me!"  Moe does the same with Aggie.  As the Stooges get older, their girlfriends remain in their 20s.  Baggie reaches for Shemp's club.  Shemp takes off.  Baggie's getting a little pissed looking now!  She ends up tackling Shemp like in football... I know, I know, their stunt doubles.  Cut 'em some slack, will ya?  Alas, Shemp is weaker than this she-warrior and he gets clubbed by Baggie, which makes a broken cymbal sound.  "I idolize ya" says Shemp as he falls.  That's a powerful club!  Or a weak Stooge.
But just then... three other cavemen show up.  "Look!  They're stealin' our women!" says one of the cavemen.  And, why look!  It's good ol' Cy Schindell, the guy who turns and looks!  A perfect caveman if there ever was one.  Enjoy him while he lasts... which seems to be for one more short, called Crime on their Hands.  Anyway, the three rival cavemen chuck their spears, and end up hitting Moe, Larry and Baggie in the ass.  Funny... Baggie doesn't seem to scream that loudly about it!  Caveman Schindell yells out the battle cry "You stole our girls, you horse thieves!"  The guy on the left says "We want 'em back!" in a real snivelly, omega-male performance.  I'm sorry, I mean he was great.  The Stooges were lucky to have him.  The Stooges prepare for battle, which probably means hurling butter at the other three guys.  Actually, they've got some pretty sophisticated weaponry for cavemen, and they've prepared for a long drawn-out conflict well.  They run over to a tree, load a plaster rock into the branch, pull the branch back, and let fly with the plaster rock.  How many years did it take our ancestors to figure that one out?  Direct hit!  DOWN GOES CAVEMAN #1!  Next up: they hit Schindell in the face with either a spherical wad of mud, or a fresh baby mammoth turd.  Gosh, I hope the latter!  Either way, Schindell's horrified with the unpleasant result.  Maybe they actually used tasty chocolate pudding.  Man, I must be hungry... in the midst of being sick as a dog with quasi-bronchitis-ish symptoms.  I'd rather die here in America than walk out healthy from a French hospital, that's for sure.
Up next: Larry gets a fish... from somewhere.  Seems to be real!  Can we get a Stooge prop historian in here?  Caveman #3 gets hit with it, but is more confused than vanquished.  The other three retreat to behind a giant boulder.  Shemp prepares another mud/dung "blockbuster."  Larry gets ready to hurl it and... hmm!  It's not going to end up where it should, is it?  BOFFO!  Fraid not.  Well, as Curly would often say, Larry was a "victim of circumstance."  Poor fella got stung by a bee!  Or as others would say... there are no accidents.  Larry doesn't want it bad enough.  Either that, or the plot was getting a little boring.  Larry's punishment is light, however.  One slap!  General Moe knows that the stakes are higher than normal, apparently, asking Larry "What's a matta?  Dont'cha know how to fire a gun?"  Then slap.  Gun, he says!  A tree branch!  This puts their other scenes in a different context indeed, when Moe gets slapped in the face by a whooshing "gun."  ...BULLS' EYE!  Nice... that didn't take as long to find as I thought it would!
Anyway, Moe loads up the "gun" himself this time, and he lets another dungster fly at Schindell.  Schindell ducks behind the rock and, so relieved he wasn't hit in the face with it, comes out from behind said rock and says "You missed me!!!!!!"  You'll never guess what happens next...  That's Curly's bit, damn it.  Cy was not cool with that second one.  Not cool with it at all.
Just then... Shemp runs up with a whole giant nest full of tiny eggs.  Not thinking clearly, Moe quickly loads the whole nest into the tree branch and lets it fly.  Boy, does it fly!  They haven't even hatched yet!  We don't see it hit the guy, as it needs to be carefully arranged first; hence, the sneak preview of the dufus coming out from behind the giant rock.  And then, we see the carefully-arranged wreckage... the dude's got the nest on his head, two eggs for eyes and... egg earrings?  Anyway, there's yolk all over the top of his head.  And, if the Stooges are lucky, the guy's headed to the hospital with a severe case of salmonella, or whatever you get from uncooked eggs.  I know, I know... if you're like Rocky Balboa, you get awesome!  Duh!!
The nest-hat guy recovers from his various indignities rather quickly, and the non-Stooges threesome converges with spears in front of their giant rock headquarters.  Moe better come up with another game-changing idea, and quick.  They're no match for tough guys with spears.  "Get the poison gas, Larry!" says Moe.  Whoa dude... are these cavemen about to learn the lesson of World War I early?  Larry runs off camera, returns with a skunk.  The skunk is loaded into the tree limb and sent flying out into the battlefield... all in one take!  Pretty ambitious, even for the Stooges!  It works like a charm: the skunk delicately lands where it's supposed to, and the non-Stooge cavemen with feces on their faces turn their tails and flee.  Mind over muscle.

EPILOGUE

The cave Stooges remove the gas masks from their noses and give a celebratory victory whoop.  The girls run over and hug their saviours.  Why, Shemp even allows Baggie to hug and kiss him!  She would've been awesome in battle, probably.  We'll save that for the sequel.
And then it fades to black.... that's it?  No skunk call-back?  No morality play about how mustard gas was wrong then and is wrong now?  Not this time, nope.  Besides, they've already done enough shorts copying the end of the Marx Brothers' Animal Crackers, where everyone gets knocked out and falls to the ground.  Sometimes even the Stooges gotta celebrate a victory.  For some ingeniuity and this one's uniqueness... not a lot of cavemen Stooge shorts, and they probably won't be done as well as this one... three and a half stars.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Popeye's Initiation

NOW we're talking!  These truly classic Popeye cartoons are fewer and farther in between than I thought.  Of course, things really get rolling when the Fleischers use more of their patented three-dimensional sets.  For now, we're stuck with 2D, which they were also pretty good at... but I fail to do it justice.  Time for Can You Take It?

ACT ONE

The usual beginning, with Popeye faithfully following behind an adoring Olive.  He escorts her to her place of employment: the Bruiser (Boys) Club, a place for guys to beat the sh... oe leather out of each other.  Now, my pappy warned me about dating girls who work as bartenders... is this not a similar situation?  Anyway, Olive bids adieu to Popeye, and Popeye's either thrilled to be free, or thrilled to wait for his next date with Olive.  I'm going to assume the latter and risk offending all the hipster cynics out there.  But Popeye does take some time to check out this place where Olive works.  Can Popeye take it?  We dare him to join!  Well, Popeye's like any other guy on shore leave with too much time on his hands and who's been off his meds too long.  There's no way he's going to pass on this affront to his dignity.  Popeye mumbles something about being able to take it.
Cross-fade to the inside of the Bruiser Boys club.  As he enters, he's flanked by two groups of two guys beating each other.  The group Stage Left has mallets, and the group Stage Right kicks each other in the chin.  Two guys meet in the middle, shake hands, then beat each other about the head and neck.  When they emerge, they've got bumps all over their heads.  Unlike the two groups, they're not stuck in an endless animation loop.  And so, the Jackass TV series and movie series was born.
Next scene: the Initiation Room is right next to the Hospital Ward.  Gotta admire that planning!  Two unlucky victims get carried by gurney into the Hospital Ward... actually, they look a lot alike to me, don't they to you?  Hard to believe that health care was better in the '30s than today, but it must've been!  Popeye takes all this in stride and says... well, you should probably see for yourself.  He makes himself presentable and heads for the Membership Committee.

ACT TWO

Close enough.  Popeye presents his case to the Membership Committee, consisting of Bluto and two goons. So much for the old Groucho Marx line about not wanting to join a club that would have someone like him as a member.  Gotta double-check my sources, as always.  But I guess that its logic is consistent here.  After all, Bluto seems reluctant to let Popeye join.  Note the symmetry of Bluto's response.  Also, paperwork was a lot simpler back in the '30s.  Bluto asks "Can ya take it?"  No forms to fill out, no waiting three weeks for the central office to process it, just a simple question.
The feats of manliness begin.  It starts with a simple handshake.  Bluto squeezes Popeye's hand out of shape.  Popeye gets a turn and, without the aid of spinach, crushes Bluto's hand in a Popeye hand-vice, making a sound heard quite often in Bimbo's Initiation... damn!  Gave away my secret source!  Second feat: the bad cigars.  Bluto doesn't quite smoke his whole cigar in one breath, but he makes Popeye cough.  Popeye manages to smoke the whole cigar in one breath, then shoots the smoke out through his eye!  Another Only- the-Fleischers moment.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, now it's time for "Da Woiks."  Popeye gets blindfolded, kicked once by each of Bluto's goons, then punched in the stomach by Bluto.  Popeye flies and bounces off a door.  The door grabs Popeye and pulls him inside!  Another Only-the-Fleischers moment.
Next scene: ...it's just a cartoon.  It's just a cartoon!  I can't remember when I first saw this one, but the two giant saw blades took me aback momentarily.  Isn't this what the movies are all about?  Warping minds young and old?  Popeye heads fearlessly towards the spinning blades and... gets tickled by them.  The blades get bent and eventually stop spinning.  That Popeye must have iron in his love handles!  Must be all the trace minerals in spinach or something.  Alas, the rest of Popeye's subterranean journey won't have as much laughter.  He gets his head pushed down, kicked in the ass, head pushed down a second time, kicked in the ass again, and twisted all out of shape by a giant coiled pipe.  Popeye uncoils himself and heads out into the world once again, blindfolded, straight into more torture.
Next scene: a hallway, where Popeye gets punched by three mechanical arms with giant boxing gloves on them.  On the fourth, there are two mechanical arms and, not only do they punch Popeye in the sides of his head, but the gloves stay there and twist a little bit.  You know, just to rub it in.  His face morphs back into shape, and it's off to one last diabolical test: a coffin with daggers in its back.  The coffin is standing on an elevator.  It closes on Popeye and the elevator begins to rise.  Is this the end of Popeye as we know it?  If it was, I think we'd have heard about that by now, like the violent end of Xena or something.  Just 'cuz she's a girl.
The coffin arrives at the main floor of the Bruiser Boys club, where everyone awaits to see the bloody mess inside the coffin.  Bluto opens and... CURSES!  Not only is Popeye very much alive, he's completely BENT all the knives!  "Curses!" says Bluto.  Curses?  What is he, the evil landlord with the gnarly moustache?  Geez Louize!
The Bruiser Boys have one more trick up their sleeve.  Bluto grabs Popeye and says "We're gonna take your picture!"  The camera is actually a cannon.  God, I love that gag.  The cannon fires, and Popeye bounces the cannonball off his stomach back towards the cannon.  The guy who fired the cannon tries to run away, but it's too late.  The cannon blows up and the dude goes flying.  Popeye clutches his tummy in pain.  Oh dear.  Is this the end of Popeye's chance to be a Bruiser Boy?  Bluto punches Popeye into a tray suspended up in the air near the ceiling by a wire, and Popeye's whisked away to the Bruiser Boys hospital.  Socialism!

ACT THREE

Olive tends to a hurt Popeye.  She tries to take Popeye's temperature, but he ends up smoking the thermometer like the aforementioned cigars.  Good callback.  With Olive by his side, Popeye's feeling 50% better already until he hears something Bluto says from within the other room: "Ha ha!  He thought he could be a member!"  That tears it.  Popeye angrily asks Olive "Ain't I a member?"  She replies "No!  You can't take it!", as though she's talking to a corpse.  Popeye knocks the medicine from her hand, and from the table next to him, and says "WHO SAYS I CAN'T?"  Time for the spinach.  Well, they had a point, Popeye.  Remember!  With great power comes great responsi... ah, skip it.  Popeye eats the spinach, grows to Barry Bonds size... I mean, Bluto size, and Olive swoons.  Oh, don't encourage him, Olive!  Popeye proceeds to kick ass on the floor of the Bruiser Boys club.  And for every ten beatings he doles out, he takes one knock on the head; but to be fair, he takes beatings that would leave most men paralyzed.  Meanwhile, Popeye takes great relish in beating Bluto on the head with his own club... both literally and figuratively.
Popeye beats a whole bunch of guys senseless, sending them flying into the next room.  Apparently, he beat the color out of their outfits, as they all appear to be the same color when Popeye turns them into a giant human lasso.  He does some fancy lasso work for the sake of all the corn-fed hicks in the audience, and sends a fresh batch of victims to Olive for their dose of Marxist Bolshevik health care, courtesy of Herr Doktor Fattenupzelazymasses-geitbrucken.  Something like that.

EPILOGUE

Popeye declares himself the new President of the Bruiser Boys club, and calls his first meeting to order.  Unfortunately, he manages to tear down the building with his first gavel hit.  Tis easier to destroy than to create, after all.  Besides, he'll probably get bored with the club soon enough anyway, and move on to his next, latest and greatest exploit.  Frankly, I don't know what I see in that one.  But, I'll give it four stars anyway.

-great double bill with: Bimbo's Initiation

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Alfons Adetuyi

Ain't that always the way?  I don't have the list in front of me.  Anyway, I'm assuming Alfons is the toast of Canada.  Take that, Don McKellar!  And yet, he wants desperately to expand into the American market.  Take his most recent effort, High Chicago, for example........

Box office 2-10-'13

While the media still rages over the age of Rex Reed and the weight of Identity Thief star Kristen Wiig... I mean, Melissa McCarthy, ... I always get those two confused... the saturation bombing ad campaign worked!  #1 at the box office, despite the critics' protestations about the hackneyed plot and loopholes big enough to drive a truck through.    A mere C+ from The Onion?  Two stars from Roger Ebert?  Actual identity theft will actually go up because of this movie.  No one's paying attention to Jason Bateman, but I will, damn it... I will.  How many more directors will make you their avatar through which they speak, much like Michael Cimino's obsession with Mickey Rourke?  Alas, Bateman may not have a year as busy as his 2009 was, but he's got the Arrested Development movie coming up.  I swear, he must've been cloned by the same people who cloned Steven Soderbergh... actually, I guess that argument doesn't work now that Soderbergh's retiring.  Maybe his clone will keep working under any number of aliases; Mary Ann Bernard, Peter Andrews, Peter Hyams, what have you.  Speaking of which... damn, everything's related.  Soderbergh's last film ever, apparently, is Side Effects and it debuts at #3.  Well, he's sort of ending at the top of his game.  I think he'll come out of retirement early.  After all, lots of guys are still directing in their 60s and up.  The only other debut this week is the triumphant return of Argo at #8.  Eighteen weeks in the game!  Dayamn.

A Guy named Shemp

If memory serves... and it doesn't seem to right now... the Stooges haven't tackled the Pearly Gates yet.  They've actually contemplated trying to get there prematurely only a few times, and have certainly behaved throughout their on-screen careers in a fashion that, to describe it as "live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse behind," would not be adequate.  It's a good thing they're living cartoon characters, otherwise they would've perished in early Spring 1935 from injuries sustained.
But I digress.  In Heavenly Daze, here we are at the Pearly Gates.

ACT ONE

I'm not a particularly religious man, and I don't know who to expect at the Pearly Gates, but it would be kinda neat if it was someone either a) familiar or b) friendly.  In Shemp's case, it's at least a).  It's Moe disguised as Shemp's Uncle Mortimer, and Mortimer's got a desk with a phone and a seat just inside the entrance of the Pearly Gates.  It must be the weekend at the Pearly Gates, as there's no one else waiting to get in.  (Also, it was most likely the weekend at Columbia when they were filming this.)  You'd think having a desk right there in front of the Gates wouldn't be so great, especially if you could be seen and heard by the riff raff.  Part of the reason why I probably wouldn't have done well as a bus driver.
Mortimer gets off the phone with God, or God's secretary, whoever... maybe one of the Seraphim or Cherubim.  Mortimer asks the secretary (Miss Jones) to bring in Shemp's Earthly Report.  Oh, that can't be good.  Miss Jones brings the report and flirts with Shemp quite a bit, if I do say so myself.  Shemp gets a wing-boner... I mean, Shemp gets excited by Miss Jones.  Time to start filling in Shemp's Heavenly Report, the part about "Conduct Unbecoming an Applicant."  Uncle Mortimer reads through the report and says "I hope you brought your asbestos suit with you!"  It takes Shemp a while to figure out what that means.  So much for the b) part from earlier.
Uncle Mortimer tells Shemp that he doesn't know the whole story of Shemp.  "I died before you were born," he says, but the report does detail the bad behaviour of Shemp and his "cousins" Moe and Larry have been "pretty bad boys."  At this point, Shemp resigns himself to Hell, asking for "a pitchfork and a red Union suit." I know, I know, a bit unfair to unions, but they were more prominent back then.  What Shemp doesn't realize is that Heaven has as much room for negotiation as any place on Earth.  Take the wager between God and the Devil over Job, for example.  Uncle Mortimer has as much power as well... say!  Maybe Uncle Mortimer's actually God!  Anyway, enough with the deep theological discussion.  Mortimer lays out the scenario: Shemp can get into Heaven if he says he believes only in Jesu... no, that's not it.  Shemp can get into Heaven if he reforms Moe and Larry.  The catch: Moe and Larry won't be able to see or hear Shemp.  Shemp is strangely optimistic about his chances for success.  Shemp gets another eyeful of Miss Jones, and catches the train back to Earth to begin his quest.  All the while, ghostly background music is playing; not usually what they're budgeted for in these things.
To kill some time, Shemp runs into a "rain cloud."  Shemp tries to argue with it, but it just thunders and sprays him in the face.  Never argue with a rain cloud, or wear roller skates in a buffalo herd.  After getting sprayed by the rain cloud, Shemp says "What's the idea?  You think you're in California?"  I'm still scratching my head over that one.  I guess he's referring to the occasional desert flooding or something.  And I thought I knew a thing or two about comedy.  Just then, two other female angels walk by, and Shemp hits on them as well, making that train whistle noise on the second one.  So much for Miss Jones!  Well, never eat where you ... ah, skip it.  I think he's going to miss his train.
Next scene... or is this Act Two?

ACT TWO

Scene: the office of Attorney I. Fleecem, where we hear Moe and Larry crying.  Fleecem, played by the diminutive Vernon Dent, goes through the legal boilerplate that is the last will and testament.  "Whereas" this and "the party of the First Part" that, sheesh.  I'm glad I'm not a lawyer.  They do that thing again where the camera dollies in on a door, the door opens, and action's going on behind it.  It's the whole film's budget in one scene, but sometimes you just gotta be fancy.  Now, amongst the boilerplate is the line "Whereas I, Shemp the Stooge, being of unsound mind, do hereby prove it by leaving all my worldly possessions to my cousins Moe and Larry.  Share and share alike."  In a daring plot twist, Moe and Larry don't immediately stop crying and say "Worldly possessions?  Oh boy!  Park Avenue!  Caviar and dames!"  I guess they knew he was destitute.  They wring out their cry rags into a pot and a flower rises like a phoenix, aloft on wings of salty tears.  Ever the thespian, Vernon picks up a sock and says "This is all of poor Shemp's worldly goods... 140 dollars, to be divided equally between you."
...I spoke too soon.  The boys instantly stop crying and grab for the sock.  Moe wins, and beats Larry with the sock.  Moe removes a big soft roll of bills and says "Hey!  There seems to be some more here!"  And then... SNAP!  Moe cries out in pain.  At first we think it's a mousetrap, but it's only an extra-voracious set of dentures.  The audio repeats briefly after about 5:19.  Larry laughs and... you'll never guess what Moe does.  Yup, he puts the teeth on Larry's nose and squeezes.  "Laugh THAT off!" he ad-libs.
Moe starts quietly thumbing through the bills, and we get a shot of an empty corner of I. Fleecem's office.  Bad filmmaking.  I mean, what is this?  There's nothing happening over there!  The action's on Moe now, and the counting out of Shemp's bills!  Duh!... oh, right.  This is where Shemp's going to materialize.  And he does so in a calm and dignified manner, decked out in a fancy winter coat and stylish hat.  Not quite like Bogey in Casablanca, but a bit more rounded on top.  Geez, Shemp must've been on downers or tranquilizers or something for that scene.  I've never seen him so relaxed!  Even after he gets an eyeful of Moe and Larry!  Oh, this is game changing.
Meanwhile, Moe's devised a fiendish plan to count out Larry's 70, and make a few shortcuts along the way. Two shortcuts, in fact, and Larry ends up with only 13 dollars.  Showmanship, baby!  This isn't Sesame Street, after all!  Alas, Larry was born at night, but it wasn't last night, and he knows when he's getting hoodwinked.  "Hey!  Your pile's bigger than mine!" he says angrily.
At this juncture, Shemp intervenes by blowing the pile of money onto the floor.  Moe thinks Dent did it; after all, isn't the lawyer entitled to a third?  (We'll get to that in a second...) Time for the old "What're you growling about?" routine, but with the latest new twist on it.  Shemp moves the money from the floor to the desk again.  Remember, they can't see or hear him.  Larry divides the money this time, and he does it even faster than Moe, riffling through it like a deck of cards.  Moe says "I think you gypped me!" and slaps Larry in the face.  Now comes another one of those moments that could change the Stooge dynamic forever and ever and ever: Purgatory Shemp says "You've been pickin' on that little guy (Larry) long enough.  It's about time you got a dose of your own medicine."  And Shemp slaps Moe in the face.  Remember, they can't see or hear him.... Alas, this just makes Moe angrier, and there's some more physical violence, until Dent decides he's had enough.  Won't be long before all the furniture gets broken!  "Hey!  That's enough of this nonsense," says Dent.  But that's their whole god damn raison d'être, ain't it?  "Pay me my fee," says Dent.  Damn; this guy's serious.  His fee?  $150.  Figures.  Moe helpfully says "All we got is $140!"  I'm sorry, he says "But Shemp only left us $140!"  "I'll take it," says Dent, adding "Are you sure this is all you got?"  Moe and Larry turn out their pockets.  Fleecem finally lives up to his name.  I wonder if he's Greek or Dutch.
Dent rubs it in a little more.  "Any other lawyer would've taken the case for $20!"  Shemp says "Oh, is that so?" and removes the money from Dent's vest pocket, Harpo style.  Dent leaves his office, with Moe and Larry still inside, saying "Don't stay in the office too long."  Meanwhile, Shemp divides the money himself and gives it to Larry and Moe.  Remember, they can't.... did I say that already?
Shemp messes with their minds a little more until Moe finally gets suspicious; rather, gets the feeling that supernatural forces are at work here.  Only in the movies.  "Shemp said he was gonna come back to Earth and haunt us!" says Moe.  Now, remember what Shemp said before about Moe always picking on Larry, the "little guy"?  All bets are off when Larry calls Shemp a "fathead."  (Disclaimer: The Movie Hooligan is not responsible for the content of third party sites.)  Larry whinily wonders why Moe hit him.  In a rare bit of honesty, Moe doesn't take credit for the bit, confirming the ghost hypothesis for Larry.  Moe's still unconvinced, so he dares Shemp to take a shot.  And POW!  Does he ever.  Moe's stunt double bounces around like a superball until he smashes into the wall, dislodging a potted plant.  Alas, the plot won't let Moe fade to black in peace, passed out, so he comes to, fondles his sore chin and says "I'm convinced!"  Moe takes great pains to keep the plant on his head, standing up slowly.  We see a "painting" of a cowboy on the wall next to Moe.  Moe's convinced that Shemp's returned to haunt him, but Larry's still not, for the sake of dragging this out to a 16 minute short.  "Shemp, if it's really you, do somethin' else to prove it!" shouts Larry to the rafters.  The cowboy fires a few rounds, and Moe and Larry hightail it out of the offices of I. Fleecem, Attorney.  They kill some time by taking turns holding each other back.  Shemp indulges in a little pride of accomplishment.  Fade to black.

ACT THREE

Fade in on Moe and Larry, dressed in fancy clothes and smoking fancy cigars / cigarettes.  They call each other Lordon Larryington and Sir Moe-ington... oh my God!  They've turned gay!  No, they're just pretending to be well-off Capitalists about to ink a deal for their latest invention.  It's a fountain pen that writes under whipped cream... there's probably a thing about it on Wikipedia.  Well, sometimes a true comedian has their own personal windmill to pursue.  For Bob and Doug McKenzie, it was the mouse in a beer bottle that led to a whole movie.  For the Stooges at this stage in their career, it's a fountain pen that writes underwater.  Mocking progress, that's their stock and trade!
"Say, where's that butler of ours?" asks Moe.  Hoh boy... well, he's not forced to do any Dudley Dickerson shtick... YET.  The butler leaves, and Shemp arrives, shaking his head in disapproval when Moe outlines their one last big final score before retiring for good... something like that.  Well, there used to be easy pickins back then, ripping off the De Puysters of old.  They're smarter now, and tend to only arrow corrupt politicians into their inner social circle.
Moe and Larry walk away, and Moe says "I hope the De Puysters are impressed with our butler..."  Here we go.  Bug-eyed time.  Shemp can't actually walk through doors, so he has to stop in front of it before he fades out, lol.  So much for a lack of VistaGlide, or maybe RenderMan to make a fake door.
Now, here's something for us film nerds to jump all over.  Shemp's hat and coat aren't visible when Shemp's holding on to them, but when he puts them in the butler's arms, they're visible and touchable!  There's an inconsistency or two there someplace, not to mention Shemp being able to call on Uncle Mortimer for favors.  Shemp's going to get Uncle Mortimer in trouble with God!  Shemp makes his hat rise briefly in the air and fall back into the butler's hands.  The butler only mildly freaks out, dropping the hat and coat.  Crazy white people.  A hundred years earlier, that'd be a whippin'.  How far we've come.
Just then, Moe and Larry return with drinks in hand... gee, I wonder what's going to happen?  They ask for more proof that it's Shemp, of course.  Shemp obliges their curiosity with pins in the ass.  The butler approaches Moe and Larry.  Is it wrong of me to like this scene?  Probably.  The butler's played by Sam McDaniel, apparently the brother of Academy Award winner Hattie McDaniel.  Sam was on "I Love Lucy" but he spent one weekend slumming with the Stooges, God bless him.  I kinda like the way he says "Did you say 'dead'?"  Is that wrong / racist of me?  Probably.  He's still more low key than Dudley Dickerson, I can't help but notice.
The doorbell rings.  It must be the de Puysters, as Shemp's sitting in the room with everyone... but the butler doesn't know that.  Moe insists that the butler answer the door.  "I'll go, but my heart ain't in it!" quips the butler.
Next scene: while the boys mop up the drinks they've spilled, the butler lets the De Puysters in.  The De Puysters are played by Symona Boniface and Victor Travers, two long-suffering lifetime members of the Stooge Rolling Stock Company.  The butler lets the De Puysters in, but cautiously, prompting Mr. De Puyster to say "Why, you look like you've seen a ghost!"  The butler can't help but quip "Mister, you don't know the half of it!"  And so, the 1989 version of We're No Angels was born.
Moe offers the De Puysters a seat.  Meanwhile, Shemp scares the butler out the door by putting on Mrs. De Puysters' fur coat and walking around.  Rather, through the door.  Still, this scene really calls for that extra special touch that Dudley Dickerson always puts on things.
Next scene: Moe and Larry wheel out the equipment necessary to test their fountain pen that writes under whipped cream.  The fountain pen is plugged in to a mixer where normally a mixing tine would go, and the mixer is set to "Low."  A piece of paper is placed at the bottom of a mixing bowl, and whipped cream is poured over the paper... what a Stooge-ly setup this all is, don't'cha think?  Professor Moe explains to the De Puysters: "Now turn the motor on to low... it MUST turn slowly.  Otherwise, it would overflow!"  Hey, he's a poet and he don't know it!  Shemp knows what he has to do.  And while Moe quickly tries to close the deal, saying to the De Puysters "Now, would you care to make out your check for $50,000 now or later?" ... ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.  Hell in the form of gobs of projectile whipped whipping cream.  No one is spared its sweet, salty fury, not even poor long-suffering Mrs. De Puyster.  It takes longer than she thinks, but she eventually gets hit, too.  And a second time, for good measure.
Now, I hate to be cynical at an occasion like this, but screenwriters take note.  Even the Stooges occasionally like to line up a few more dominoes than usual.  Larry smears some whipped cream on Moe's face, and Moe naturally retaliates.  So Lawrence now has a full forehead of whipped cream.  After a wide shot of the bedlam, ... SPOILER ALERT... Larry gets the fountain pen stuck in his forehead, making the delightful trademark "BOI-OING!" sound.  It's especially painful.  Shemp beams with pride and files another report to Uncle Mortimer.  Just then, the mixer explodes and catches on fire.  Shemp starts screaming "Help!  Help!!!!"

EPILOGUE

SPOILER ALERT: It was all just a dream.  I kinda hate it when they do that.  But Shemp does wake up in bed with a small fire for a companion.  He mumbles himself to consciousness, then starts screaming anew, as his ass is on fire.  Next scene: Moe and Larry at the breakfast table.  Larry asks Moe, "Want a piece of pie?"  They eventually look over at screaming Shemp, see the fire, and run to his aid.  And even though Shemp's wearing an asbestos suit under his burning clothes, I'll bet it was still hot.  Larry gets a bucket of water, and Moe gets the lion's share of it, of course.  Moe tries to put out the fire on the bed with the head of an ax.  Larry returns with a second bucket of water, but before he can douse Moe with it, Moe gives a mighty swing and hits Larry upon the head with the ax; the flat side, not with the blade.  Why, that just wouldn't be as funny!  Moe eventually covers up the fire with the rest of the blanket.  Smart boy!  He's beginning to use a bit of his brain.  Meanwhile, Shemp, moving around on the floor, discovers the full bucket of water and puts out the fire on his ass the only way he knows how: he pours the water on the carpet, then sits down in it.  A mighty plume of smoke rises when he sits down... does that mean that Shemp is the Devil?
The fire has stopped burning, despite Billy Joel's contentions otherwise.  Larry and Moe stand over Shemp, so tall that we can't see their faces.  Shemp, happy that the fire on his ass is out, tells the other two about the dream he had, but just the part about them inventing a fountain pen that writes under whipped cream.  Moe takes the pie that Larry earlier offered him a piece of, and gives the whole thing to Shemp's face.  "There's your whipped cream!" says Moe.  Moe hands Shemp a fountain pen, saying "And there's your fountain pen!"  Larry hands Shemp a piece of paper, saying "Write yourself a letter!"  Shemp puts the pen to his face and begins to write "Dear Ma,..."  Does this mean that the whole film wasn't a dream?  Is this like The Sixth Sense, but different?  Did Shemp elaborately fake his own death by falling asleep in bed?  I better watch this again and look for clues.

Bad double bill with: Bedlam in Paradise

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Popeye on the Flying Trapeze

Hoh boy.  I hate to say it, but I don't care for musicals so much... actually, that's not true.  After all, are not The Blues Brothers and O Brother, Where Art Thou? musicals?  Not to mention I'll Do Anything... sure, it was almost a full musical, but they've still got those parts where you can feel a musical number coming on.  Then of course, the Fleischers' own Poor Cinderella and two-reeler Popeye cartoons.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't care for musicals like Man on the Flying Trapeze, but maybe if I watch it enough it'll grow on me, just like Nothing But Trouble.

ACT ONE

Again, a long slow zoom-in on the title card.  What gives?
First scene: the usual; Popeye singing his theme song... or is it?  Apparently the Fleischers were conscious of a certain sense of monotony setting in, so they switched it up a little bit.  We catch Popeye at the "I Yam what I Yam" part of the song this time.  And, of course, the Fleischers always liked to fight back against the normal easy use of perspective in cartoons.  Popeye's the lone captain of a giant steamer ship that still has an old-fashioned wooden wheel.  We see Popeye steering in between giant waves on the ocean.  The saxophones signify that he's out where we can see him.  Lol.  Next scene: the shore, and I'll be damned if Popeye doesn't make his ship sail onto dry land.  Next scene after that: Popeye makes a turn at the intersection, knocks down a traffic light, and drops anchor in front of the ramshackle Oyl household amidst the newer development in the city blocks.  Popeye knocks on the front door.
Nana Oyl comes to the door, and Popeye sheepishly asks for Olive.  Then... the musical begins.

ACT TWO

We learn that Olive has run off this time with the Man on the Flying Trapeze.  Nana Oyl sings about the dude!  If you're a fan of this song, you just might really like this Popeye cartoon.  Unless you're very picky about how they envision what he looks like.  I can't tell if he's voiced by Bluto or not; kinda sounds like it.  "My love he has taken away," sings a heartbroken Popeye.  He slowly slinks off the Oyl's porch, hands in pockets.
And then, Popeye runs across a temporary soul mate: three young kids and their cat.  We don't know who the kids are, but they know who Popeye is, and they listen to Popeye's heartbreaking tale.  That eats up some time.
We go from a poster of the Trapeze Man to the Trapeze Man himself, where a carnival barker who sounds like Wimpy sings the song for us yet again, but at a slightly faster tempo.  Back to Popeye, who says again "My love she has taken away."  (she?)  He punches the poster, and the part with just the Man on the Flying Trapeze falls out.  Popeye and his four companions go inside to watch the show.
What is it with the Fleischers and bleachers full of people?  You'll like the way Popeye makes room for himself and his new friends.  I know I did.  Cut to the actual Wimpy, who's alternately blowing on a whistle, and eating Homer-sized bites of a hamburger.  I think Homer Simpson was influenced by these cartoons, I really do.  He gets the two confused at this point, lol.  Just like Intolerable Cruelty.
Anyway, Wimpy introduces Trapeze Man, and now it's Trapeze Man's turn to sing the song.  I still say it's Bluto.  And then, we see Olive, who's now part of Trapeze Man's act!  Things always turn out this way for Olive.  Olive sees Popeye in the crowd and tries to say hello.  Oh, Olive, you just don't get it.  The territoriality of guys, and how their hearts get so easily broken.  Popeye turns up his nose, and now Olive's heartbroken.
Oh, it gets worse, folks.  Time for Olive to go to work.  Trapeze Man grabs Olive by the neck with his feet and starts swinging her around!  That's cruelty to people!  This goes on for a while, until Trapeze Man throws Olive to the next trapeze.  The trapeze breaks, and Olive hangs onto the ropes.  Trapeze Man leaps and has to use Olive herself as the trapeze.  Man, Trapeze Man's got glassy-looking eyes!  And that moustache of his is so... masculine.  Dead butch, especially for the time.
Next stunt: Trapeze Man goes to the next trapeze.  He puts a strap in his mouth and dangles Olive from the other end of the same strap.  Olive spins around until she gets totally twisted up like a big wad of spaghetti on a fork.  Or like string on a spool, to use a non-food example.  How the guy's able to sing with a thing in his mouth, I'll never know.  Popeye's finally had enough; time to intervene.

ACT THREE

Popeye turns out to be a rather accomplished trapeze artist in his own right.  He grabs onto Olive and reaches the nearest trapeze.  The strap breaks that was being held between Olive's teeth and Trapeze Man's teeth.  Soon enough, the metaphorical tug-of-war over Olive between Popeye and Trapeze Man now becomes all too literal, as they both end up pulling on Olive and stretching her out like a giant piece of taffy, with Popeye holding on to Olive's feet, and Trapeze Man holding on to her hands.  This happens three times.  She ends up on Trapeze Man's side of the big top, alas.  She struggles to maintain her balance.  Soon after, it's Popeye's turn to struggle to maintain his balance!  Not as good as he thought he was.  Trapeze Man has nerves of steel for this kind of thing, and he has enough presence of mind to give Popeye a good punch.  You shouldn't a did that, Mister!  Popeye flies over one trapeze and grabs onto it with his chin.  And then, it hits Popeye in a flash: this would be a good time to eat some spinach.  Popeye's finally had enough; tine to take his game up a notch to the next level, back in the day.  Epic!  Iconic!  Game changing!  The spinach theme's a little different this time, too.
And so, with complete trapeze skills in his temporary arsenal, Popeye confidently steps from one trapeze to another to give Trapeze Man the beating he'll never forget.  Reminds me of the end of A Dream Walking when Olive steps from I-beam to I-beam to end up home.  Popeye knocks Trapeze Man over to the trapeze that Popeye was just on.  Then, the two swing back and forth, meeting in the middle for a quick punch, then back out again.  If this film teaches you nothing else, it's that it's tough to have a proper fist fight in the air on trapezes.  Olive cheers Popeye on from her lofty but treacherous perch.  We can see her underpants... you might want the kids to leave the room at this point.
And now, the two warriors hang from the trapezes by their feet, but Trapeze Man's apparently out cold.  Popeye gives him a good punch, and his trapeze comes back with just Trapeze Man's shoes clinging to it, lol.  That's probably the second visual highlight of the whole pic.
Don't worry, folks, the filmmakers make sure that no serious harm really comes to the bad guys, as is the case here.  Trapeze Man found his way to another trapeze.  So, Popeye starts kicking a guy when he's down... I mean, kicking Trapeze Man from one trapeze to the next, in time with the music.  Cut to the audience; specifically, the three kids and their pet cat, who start singing "He floats through the air with the greatest of ease..."  Sheesh.  It takes a hell of a song to prop up a 6 minute short like this.  But you will notice that the he of the song clearly now refers to Popeye, and not the other guy.
But the other guy's not quite down for the count yet, and he lands a solid punch on Popeye's giant chin, laughing about it afterwards.  But Popeye doesn't let this aggression stand, and hits the guy twice right back.  Trapeze Man hits the soft ceiling of the big top and morphs into an electric candelabra from Hell!  Clive Barker, eat your heart out.

EPILOGUE

Joyous in victory, Popeye slides down the pole, Aug-aug-auging all the way.  He then gestures to Olive to jump, so he can catch her from the ground.  Oh, if government regulations were more widespread, these things would be riddled with giant "DO NOT ATTEMPT"s all over them, just like episodes of Beavis and Butthead once had.  To make matters worse, she takes Popeye up on his offer and jumps!  At this point, the three kids and one cat run up to Popeye and scream "HOORAY FOR POPEYE!"  Popeye turns and misses Olive, but catches her on the first bounce.  THEY DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!  But I guess it's okay, because this is not Husbands and Wives, and it's not Mia Farrow.  It's Popeye and Olive in The Man on the Flying Trapeze, and they'll be working together for a long, long time.  And no matter how low the bar drops on the quality of the animation, they're in this for life.

Good double bill with: Beware of Barnacle Bill

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan