Friday, February 15, 2013

Box Office 2-17-'13

Well, as dictated by the TV ad campaign, all involved are hoping that the latest entry in the Die Hard series, (second to last, apparently) will do well.  Meanwhile, I've got another exclusive here at The Movie Hooligan!  Of course, if you have young children you might want to have them leave the room for this, because it's an exclusive excerpt from Kevin Smith's new project, Clerks: The Western.  I'm guessing he'll probably throw in a reference to Back to the Future III or two into it for the film geeks out there.  Anyway, the part that my secret source sent to me is just a typical day in the life of Dante Hickenlooper and Randal Graves.  As usual, they run a store that gets a lot of quirky, interesting customers that doesn't seem to sell a whole lot, like a guy who seems to be sitting on the floor, examining every bullet very carefully... emptying out the powder and putting it back together.  I'm assuming it takes place after the Civil War, like a real Western should.  Cowboys and Aliens was post-Civil War, right?  Anyway, for all you fans of Kevin Smith dialogue, here's the exclusive excerpt:

Dante: (to Randal) Alas, I am not taking to married life like I thought I would.
Randal: No more going to that Burlesque house down da street, or the bordello at the other end of da street, I take it?
Dante: Don't be silly!  My wife will not dictate where I can and can't go!  No, it's just that the shackles of marriage seem to quell the fire of the physical act of love that existed before we got married.  A fire hot enough for heating several cattle-branding irons.  And on top of that, no pun intended, my new bride keeps insisting I make love to her in her rectum.  The very idea!  (you might want to skip this part... )  I mean, that's where excrement comes from, for God's sake!  I mean, God forbid something should go awry and the baby ends up gestating in my wife's rectum for nine months!  I highly suspect a fragile baby will not be able to dodge passing turds for even a fraction of that time!
Randal: See, that's the problem with you all over, Dante.  You don't take risks.  You're not willing to do da job a man is willing to do.  Perhaps I can help you with your wife's fornication problem...
Dante: Thou filthy-minded brigand!  And the ultimate ironical tautology of it all is that I wasn't even supposed to be here today!  I CURSE the Gods of sky and desert!!!

And to think the MPAA wants to deny that Mamet-worthy gem the PG-13.  Better call upon the Weinsteins again, Kev!
...where was I?  Oh, right.  Four debuts this week, Die Hard barely gets #1 spot.  Gotta run!

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