Sunday, October 22, 2006

Does hanging from the rafters make me look fat?

Which brings us to this week's Box Office Retort! At #10 it's The Marine. Don't worry, it's doing okay. It's doing better than we're doing in Iraq, anyway. In fact, it's made more money than the XFL! There's already a sequel in the works, something along the lines of Chuck Norris and his obsession with Panama in the 80s, but Dubya is very leary of any coverage, positive or otherwise, of Iraq. No surprise is good surprise to this guy, our Commander in Cheap.
And at #9, from the director of Darkness Falls comes the latest entry in the Texas Chainsaw franchise. I hope Tobe Hooper's getting some royalties out of this! Or is it just Jack Nicholson and Batman?
#8 brings us Marie Antoinette, the latest Sofia Coppola experience, although it sounds a bit like Moulin Rouge! meets ... I forget what it meets. Well, how about Deadfall, just to keep it in the family. Advance word has it that M.A. is as good as Francis' entry in New York Stories! Ouch!!!!!
Man of the Year hangs in there at #7. It's harder for a film to make an impact these days. It's hanging around longer than All the King's Men, anyway. Double ouch!!!!
At #6 it's The Grudge 2. Could be doing better, but not bad. Sam Raimi's promised to contribute any left-over profits to Dubya's campaign. He needs all he can get these days!
At the bottom of the top 5, it's Flicka. For the sake of all those people too tired or confused to say "Two tickets for 'My Friend Flicka', please!" Anyone seeing this movie, please, PLEASE do not get interested in Maria Bello's other work!!!
At #4, with the second highest total of the bunch (how sad is that?), it's Open Season! With graphics not as good as Over the Hedge, but with more staying power than Ashton's other entry this month, The Guardian (how much sadder is that?).
Debuting at #3 is Flags of our Fathers. It's come down to this, a movie about a photograph. Who needs a script at all? Like David Spade would say, I liked it the first time when it was called Saving Private Ryan!! I'm going to wait for the movie about that sailor kissing that one chick, or maybe a movie about that Betty Grable poster. Or the big-eyed National Geographic Afgahni chick. Yeah! Get on that, Rupert!
At #2, this Bud's for you, Marty! It's The Departed hanging in there, and I think it's made more than even Cape Fear! So you know what that means! Marty must really hate this movie. Time to stick it to all those ingrates who picketed TLTOC, or worse yet, DIDN'T picket Kundun!!
And finally, the big story this week, and it's The Prestige! How do account for this film's success? Personally, I think it's all the pervs out there who know they don't have a shot at my beloved S. Jo, but are planning in vain nonetheless. Watch out, babe! They're gonna gitcha someday. Anyway, The Prestige is the only other movie worth watching about magic. H. Jack was on Leno last night and explained the 3 steps of a magic trick, one of which is called the Prestige. I already forget the other two; the Explaining of the Trick, and the Trick itself, something like that. All I know is, I've got a beef with you, Mr. Nolan. Oh sure, you're on Cloud Nine after Batman 5, or whatever number it is. The point being... two points actually, 1) You're part of a franchise now, like Back to the Future or Matrix or Meatballs even. These days everyone involved goes off and does their own thing in-between sequels. They DON'T WORK TOGETHER AGAIN!!! Don't let yourselves get burned out! And 2) Their in-between-sequel projects AREN'T SUCCESSFUL! Take one or two of Keanu's projects in-between Matrix movies, for example. I rest my case. I know you're going to take my advice to heart. :)
Well, that's about all the damage I can do for now. See you all again next week? Anyone? (choking back tears...)

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