Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Bloody Pirates!

All right, let's tear into this lobster. Usually I wait til Friday but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So let's get into it!
And at #1, it's PTC3 as expected. Bloody pirates! Plenty of advertising and tie-ins to go round on this one; coupled with the fact that this might be the last installment... or is it? Still, they didn't follow my advice. Clocking in at nearly 3 hours, the only way it's going to turn a profit is if it's in around 5000 theaters. What they should've done is made it 18 minutes long. That way it would've been number 1 with 1 billion 400 million dollars! Now that's what I looting the Box Office treasury!

At #2 it's Shrek the Third. What, Donkey's babies aren't cute enough? Farting 'n spewing fire at the most inappropriate times? This season pirates trump all, me matie. Still, good showing.

#3 brings us Spider Man 3, which I suppose it's appropriate. Still, it's leading the pack at 308 million dollars. They can't take that away from it, can they?

Speaking of insects, Bug is at #4 with 4.02 million. Sorry, Friedkin, this is the big drop-off. It's the best thing you've done since Nightcrawlers, but it's just bad timing. It was either that, or a poker movie. And you beat #5 by on 10,000 dollars. PATHETIC! *
Like they say on Air America, it's time for no snark. Waitress is back at #5, and it's a tribute to its director, Adrienne Shelley, who unfortunately was killed in November 2006. Guess she's not in the same caliber as Anna Nicole Smith or others caught up in the Perpetual Tabloid / Media Conglomerate Celebrity Shit-Storm.
As for 6 to 10 it's all pretty much repeats. Did I already give a shout out to Garry Marshall? If not, keep the faith, brutha. Guess you just better do that sequel to Runaway Bride. That'll get you back to #1! Andyway, 6 to 9 is pretty much BTDT across the board. ...until we get to #10! And it's Wild Hogs! The comeback movie! I'm still speechless!! If I were doing this in a cumulative Top 10, Wild Hogs would be #3 just ahead of Pirates at #4. A Red Letter day for Disney all around, no denying it. All those people who would've had to crane their necks at Pirates went to their fallback Disney movie, which was Wild Hogs. Wow. And Walt Becker, this Red Letter day means that your auto-biopic about the train wreck in a coal mine is getting Green-Lit, with George Clooney in the lead. Eat sod, Soderbergh!
On the other hand, don't get cocky, Disney. Don't let this go to your (cryonically frozen) head. No one's lining up to see Mickey headlining in Fantasia 2010. Peace out. -->
The Movie Hooligan Box Office Retort - More fun than the IMDb Top 10 list, but not by much...
* (see the part about provenance for younger directors, something like that...)

1 comment:

Southern Culture On The Skids said...

The 3quels are on the march, and I've just soiled myself. I've seen every 3quel so far, and when I open my wallet, small tumbleweeds are blowing through the wasteland. I'm still waiting for a follow-up to Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I NEED CLOSURE!! Is PTC3 the one where Johnny Depp and Keith Richards do deuling Keith Richards's? My baby cousin saw Keith Richards in person and started crying, 'cos it reminded him of that dead people exhibit from China at the museum we dragged him to go see, and he had a nervous breakdown. Friedkin, fuggeddaboudit, he lost it ever since he stopped threatening his staff with a starter's pistol. He's finished, he'll be eaten by Bugs and Nightcrawlers soon. It says on his nickname is "Hurricane Billy." In younger days, when he was hot, it might've meant something else, but at the moment, it refers to the flatulence he leaves behind in a washroom. If William Friedkin visits your home, DO NOT let him use the bathroom. Sorry to hear about Adrienne Shelly, I loved her in "Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even." And yes, please give to her fund, it's a worthy cause. DO NOT give to the Anna Nicole Smith fund, where the money will go to Larry Birkhead, and he'll use it to go see the many 3quels out in the theaters now.