Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Must be the Season of the Threes, yeah

Oh, it's on, baby! The first shot is fired off the port bow in this, the Season of the Threes: the Attack of the part-three sequels. First, Spider Man 3, now it's Shrek 3, then it'll be Pirates 3, then Ocean's 3. There was another one in there somewhere, if I remember correctly. Oh yeah. Rush Hour 3. Whole Lotta 3s going on this summer! Not even counting 300! Then of course, there's Hostel 2 and Die Hard 4 and the Fantastic Eight. But will there be enough money left in America by the time the Simpsons movie hits? I'm thinkin' THEY hope so! Heh heh... Bourne Identity 3 comes out after that.

Now I know Shrek is #1 this week, with a big green-eared green bullet, there's no debating that, but I really wanted to use this one still from Home Alone so I'm forced to count down the top 10 in terms of cumulative totals! Which means Spider Man 3 is #1 with 282 million in the b'z'ank! Although I haven't heard any B.O. trivia about it this week, like the one about the movie that made 300 million in the shortest number of days, that kind of crap. Also it's only at #2 this week because it made a paltry 29 million, so now you know how all those other movies felt the last two weeks, Spider Man. You've just had it too good for two long weeks. Guess it's just time to build more theaters to help beat the box office records of tomorrow. Think of the children!

At #2 cumulative this week, Shrek 3 is #1 with 122 million, which I think is slightly more than Shrek 2 opened at. Oh, but we've talked enough Box Office turkey. Let's talk legacy now, specifically that of the man behind the Shrek, Mike Myers, the voice of Shrek. With Shrek the Third under his belt, that makes 3 shreks and 3 austin powers. So why has Mike Myers become so reclusive? Why I hardly see him at all anymore on the talk show circuit. I hope my faint pleas reach him anyhow, and if they do I only ask one thing: isn't it time for Wayne's world 3? How would that look on your video cabinet at home to have three trilogies under your belt? Eat it, Harrison Ford!

On the other had, they're already planning a Shrek 4. Now how many actors can boast a quadrilogy? Let's see, Sigourney Weaver, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, very soon Harrison Ford, hmmm... Still, it's a narrower field.

At the cumulative #3 this week, in another stunning last-minute reversal, Blades of Glory edges upward to #10, thereby pushing Waitress down to #11 or lower! It's a virtual kneecapping of this tough but brittle indie movie; i.e., it must not be a DreamWorks picture. Oh well. Actually, I heard Riley Weston's behind the hit. But I'm sure Keri Russell with her classical good-looks will no doubt bounce back, and with a bit part in Scrubs to boot. Yes, she'll always make a beautiful dollar in this bizness. I mean, she's no Sarah Michelle Gellar or Eva Mendes, but she's got a fan base. No question.

At cumulative #4 this week it's Disturbia. Another sequel. Well, not a sequel so much as a remake. An unofficial remake. But I like to think of it as either Holes 2 or Battle of Shaker Heights 2. One or the other.

At cumulative #5 this week, it's Fracture. Nope, still can't get excited about that. Although it does give one pause. I mean, how many actors has Anthony Hopkins only worked once with? All of them? Except Emma Thompson, of course. Didn't he retire, like, twice already? Or was that Liam Neeson, I forget. After Lincoln, though, this will be his third and last retirement. Let's hope he gets the Oscar that go round.
Cumulative #6 gives us Hot Fuzz. I have yet to concoct my review, but ultimately, I don't know. Maybe I'm just burned out on movies in general. I was also disappointed that the brain freeze sequence from the commercials was cut short. I thought the movies were about letting these kinds of scenes play out! Guess not.
#7 cumulative: Another sequel. 28 weeks later! Yawn. I used up all my 28 weeks later jokes last week. But it's comforting to know there's still a viable market to the dramatic side of Shaun of the Dead.
At #8 it's the Invisible. Whew! That was close. I almost left this one out entirely.
#9's Georgia Rule is not so much a sequel as it is a movie mocktail. Sort of a Monster's Ball meets White Oleander. And of course tapping into that whole feminine movie genre of How to make an American Quilt and Steel Magnolias and Fried Green tomatoes and Immediate Family. Need I go on? Those are the only ones I know. Throw in Catch and Release, why not. But it does have some originality: Lindsay Lohan playing a bitch! What a stretch.

And finally, at #10 cumulative, but landing at lucky #7 this week otherwise, it's the latest Redneck FUBU entry, Delta Farce. Or as I like to think of it, Delta Force 3 made for TV. My question is this: how good could it be if Jeff Foxworthy isn't in it? Or Ron White, for that matter? They're not in it, yet DJ Qualls is! This puts The New Guy in a whole new light. The Mason-Dixon line redrawn. In related news, I was disappointed to see Jeff Gordon in those ads for California which also feature Schwarzenegger, Teri Hatcher, and Clint Eastwood.
Looks like you've left Sweet Home Alabama behind for good, Mr. Gordon. Wait... he's a NATIVE CALIFORNIAN? Dang! He fooled me good. Or maybe I was just indifferent.

Well, that puts an end to another exciting week at the big dog and pony show known as Hollywood. Boy! I don't think I can take much more excitement. :)

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