More Movie Loaf

Boy! Turning out to be a big news week. OJ's back in the news: he apparently committed a robbery in Las Vegas. His excuse this time? He thought he was in Ocean's Thirteen. But at least he's stopped killing people. He may still be doomed to walk the earth like a pariah for the rest of his life, right into the SAG Retirement Home; makes Lillo Brancato wonder, man! Why can't I have a dream team?

Anyway, this one guy Robert Draper has been flogging his new book about President Bush called "Dead Certain". Hmm! Who does this guy look like? The big revelation is that Dubya is going to stretch out the Iraq War so the next President can take it over. Yeah, well, Dubya couldn't take over the fight against bin Laden in 2000, could he? And you know why? Watch this again. It's the Clinton Universal Corollary; now if you found out that Clinton was going to stretch out something, let alone a war, until the next election, what would've happened to him?

Oh but enough of my prostheticizing. Prosletyzing? This thing doesn't have a Spell Check yet. Anyway, guess that's it for the news. Oh yeah, Britney Spears is already turning into Anna Nicole Smith, at least in all the wrong places, right? She is awful, I wholeheartedly agree, but overweight? By how many pounds? Aren't our Beauty Standards for Women in this country stringent enough already?

Anyway, now to the real news, #6 to #10 of this week's Top 10 at the box office. The dregs. Yecch. At #6 it's the unfortunately named "Balls of Fury". But, on the other hand, what the hell else are they gonna call it? "The Happy Funny Ping Pong Movie"? Well, maybe it's called that in China. Where it's already out on DVD. Oh yeah, that's some more news I read, that China's going to go lighter on criminals now, especially the white collar ones. From now on, they'll run 'em over with tanks when ABOSLUTELY no one's watching or getting it on camera. But I digress. I'm going to wait til Balls of Fury comes out on DVD, and I'll call up my local video store and ask for it, and the guy on the phone will ask "Is that an adult film?"

At #7 it's RusHour 3, as all the cool people are spelling it these days. It's made the 2nd most money just behind Bourne 3, about 100 million behind, but close enough. It's just a weak box office all around this week. And sorry, Brett, you're still gonna have to earn that respect you seek the hard way, like Spielberg did.

#8 brings us Mr. Bean 2, which takes us quickly right away to #9, The Nanny Diaries. Did I already mention it's the latest from the American Splendor team? Not quite enjoying the same critical heralding with this one, or even the same amount of buzz. Look out, S. Jo, you're hanging around Woody too much! He's going to make a move on you at some point...

And finally at #10 it's Stardust, or Michelle Pfeiffer Enjoying Her Naked Ass in the Mirror: The Motion Picture, or Into the Night 2 for all you guys. Which finally brings me to my saddest bit of non-movie news yet: Stuff Magazine is going out of print! Is that the proper term for a magazine that's folding, so to speak, not going to be published anymore? That's exactly how monumental, how infamous a bit of news this is! A sad day indeed for guys everywhere who couldn't afford the steep price of Maxim, FHM, or Details magazines, or any of those other, much snootier publications. A very sad day. Somewhere in hell Jerry Falwell must be smiling. Oh well, guess that Tower of Babel will just have to be built up elsewhere with better buttresses. God speed to you, Stuff Magazine. We'll always have the public library. Here's looking at you, kid.