Friday, May 25, 2012

When Icons go Slumming: Sherlock Holmes and the case of the Crappy CGI Monsters

Apparently, the bar is very, very low on who can make a Sherlock Holmes movie these days.  You've got your high bar, of course: you've got the Robert Downey Sherlock movies.  I've seen part of the first one, but with a 90 million plus budget I'm sure they're not screwing around.  Even the Martin Freeman / Benedict Cumberbatch ones are cinema-worthy efforts, and it's a shame they just went straight to TV.  Also not screwing around.  Rachel Goldenberg's Sherlock Holmes (2010) is screwing around.
Yes, Rachel Goldenberg, director of Obama: I'm a Dick and producer of How Your P*ssy Works, directed this fanciful Sherlock tale.  It's told in flashback by a now aged Dr. Watson, telling some young lass that there's one Sherlock Holmes tale that's never been told before.  It's the one that gave birth to the Scooby Doo adventures to come, but without the reveal at the end of the greedy land developer who says "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that freak-ass stoner dog of yours!"  Alas, the filmmakers aren't able to make the most of their lack of budget.
Take, for example, the excruciatingly long scene where Dr. Watson tries to climb down the side of a cliff.  This seems to go on for about five minutes.  They eventually pull him back up, and just in time for the rope to break!  Sherlock asks him "Did you see the ship?"  Apparently he did, but all we see is the view halfway down the cliff.  There's also a thrilling chase through old London's temperate zone rainforest, apparently located in modern day Wales.  We were wondering about that.  The film's HD videotape origins are revealed, as we blurrily work our way through thicket, and spin round and round amongst the trees.
There's a kraken and a tiny T-Rex that wreak havoc, killing several people, and arguably the finale has its moments, but it's ultimately a great movie to heckle.  I couldn't help but wonder aloud if the people in the movie were actors.  Dr. Watson's got a long résumé but apparently very little training.  He kept reminding me of Andy Richter for some reason.  Something about the face, I think.  I hate to be too vicious, but let me just say that Elizabeth Arends makes a fine cyborg.  So it's not the best Sherlock Holmes movie around, but it's around nevertheless.  God bless you, Showtime!  Besides, even Creepshow 3 had some panache to it!


-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

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