Sunday, March 05, 2017

Just a Guy (Named Logan) and That's All Right

While we're waiting for the IMDb to give us new box office numbers, let's get into national politics a little bit... I know, I know, too easy these days.  And all the wise-ass comedians are trying to stomp on Trump's buzz, post-non State of the Union speech to Congress... I guess no one wants to hear what Trump has to say about the state of our union.  I'm sure it'll be positive.  He'll try to be gentle, saying something like "Now that I'm president, I just realized... America, you're getting kinda old!  240 is pretty old for a country.  Now, take Iraq.  Iraq's got the right idea.  She's 15 years old this year!  She's got a new constitution, and she's great at fancy pageant walkin' and what not.  I'd walk in on that!  'Oops, sorry, I thought this was the supplies closet.  But as long as I'm here... and this is a big 'but', folks..."  Okay, better quit now.
See that?  I already forgot what the other outrage was.  Oh, now I remember.  Thinking it was still the campaign, Trump once again tweeted about Obama "founding" Isis.  Ah, he's just jealous because Isis is doing better than most Trump companies... no, wait, Trump tweeted that Obama "wiretapped" Trump Tower, one day before the election or so.  Wonder how Twitter CEO Biz Stone is sleeping these days.  Is he sleeping well?  Does he still think Twitter's a good idea?  Does he still like being Facebook but with less features?  Maybe Biz should get out, take a drive somewhere, maybe get an Uber.  Personally, I long for the 80s, mostly because it's the era of my ill-spent adolescence, but mostly because there was still some integrity in the Get Rich Quick crowd.  You know, we may have had our disagreements, but we all agreed that nuclear annihilation from the Russkies was a bad thing.  Now we've got a president that's worried because our nukes are, and I quote, "just sitting there."  I mean, for God's sake!  The Russians wait in line for toilet paper!  They bug their own people!  Now we live in the Amazon era, where toilet paper comes via the mailman (me, BTW), and people freely bug themselves (social media and what not).  Hey, whatever it takes to get that 15 minutes, am I right?  We don't know what it takes!  Could be anything!  Maybe a blog sometimes about movies!
But back to the allegations of wiretapping.  Now, as any regular reader of this well-esteemed blog, occupying valuable hard drive space somewhere on what is surely a secure server farm, will know, there is no one on God's semi-green planet that hates illegal wiretaps more than I do... but look at what we could learn!  Am I right?  Trump Tower?  The things that must go on there.  Oh, but to be a fly on the wall at that otherwise very clean, very busy edifice of the last vestiges of American capitalism / exceptionalism.  But hey, just give us the tax returns and we're (non-showers) golden.  Must be some pretty bad stuff in there, that I can tell you.
...well, clearly I didn't learn the big takeaway lesson from 2002's The Count of Monte Cristo, because I didn't wait for the IMDb to cough up some new numbers.  They finally coughed up last week's numbers after some empty page refreshes, but I finally decided to go to Variety to find out what's what.  The much-advertised Logan was the big winner this weekend... see, Logan is Wolverine's birth name, or somethign... something.  As it happens, Deadpool was no mere isolated incident, the lone 'R'-rated superhero movie satire in a long line of Marvel(TM) superhero movies, and a few DC Comics ones.  But I am a Traditionalist (C) and I think that PG-13 will be the rating that movie studios turn to in order to get that core 18-49 demographic off their fat, underexercised asses and into the air-conditioned multiplexes for the latest Ryan Reynolds and or Lady Gaga delivery device... even though now it's basically an R rating in disguise, especially if the pic costs $100 million or more.
(Monday evening) ...okay, the numbers are officially in.  Now, Hugh Jackman swears that this will be the last Wolverine movie he does, but I dunno... seeing as how it's #1 by a wide margin, even in March, I think the market has spoken!  Surely there's just one more Wolverine movie in him?  I mean, given his last couple of bombs, particularly Pan... ouch, okay, that was a little mean.  I mean, Roger Moore finally hung up James Bond when he turned 60.  What's YOUR excuse, Jackman?  Surely the geniuses over at Marvel have thought of this in the storyline, or is Wolverine just 25 forever?  In any event, back to your plate of skinless chicken breast, Hugh!  You've got a physique to maintain, dude.
The only other two debuts this week... strange.  Key and Peele's movie debuts at #1 last week, shutting out any and all other newcomers.  Meanwhile this week it's Marvel's latest and greatest R-rated fare, and we've got two other debuts on the horizon.  This is not the stuff of blockbusters, Marvel my friend.  The block doesn't need repaving today.  Anyway, the corporate mindset triumphs this week in the stories being peddled at the box office.  We've got Before I Fall about the lady in those ads where she says "I've fallen and I can't get up!" when she was younger.  She wore glasses when she was younger, but she takes them off, and the romantic lead says "My God!  You're BEAUTIFUL!"  The other debut is called The Shack and it's about the first Radio Shack, and in the Third Act, we find out why they came to the decision to start asking people their phone numbers.  Spoiler alert: it wasn't good.  And the Unabomber was only indirectly responsible.

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