Sunday, April 14, 2019

Emma's Tone

Brought to you by the fusion of Fingerhut and Tommy Hilfiger, which would be called... Figer-Finger?  Hilfingerhut?  Tommy Hingerfutt?  We'll... we'll get back to it later.  And brought to you by White People who Can Keep a Beat.  Lord knows I'm no White Supremacist type, but this staple of black comedians does get a little old after a while... okay, clearly not that old, but I do recall... for the life of me, I can't remember who it was.  I think maybe Pat Boone and his wife, and one time in an interview they said that they planned it so that one of their children would be born on December 25th, so there!  One beat kept.  Sure, it makes the child's life hell afterwards, getting screwed out of birthday presents, but... damn.  Just lost another sponsor.  Anyway, life goes on, long after the thrill of a new plot has gone, most especially in Hollywood!  This week, the #2 spot goes to a newcomer called Little.  Even the title's a derivative of sorts.  Well, check out the plot description: "A woman is transformed into her younger self at a point in her life when the pressures of adulthood become too much to bear."  If that's not the difference between men and women right there... see, when men get transformed into their younger selves, there always seems to be some mysticism involved.  Big had the fortune teller... I can't personally vouch for 18 Again! or Like Father Like Son, but same deal, I think!  Even 13 Going on 30 was the result of a birthday wish.  I guess the way society's going, and with continuing advances in medical treatment, we may be pining for this day yet, when nervous breakdowns were still something that couldn't be completely prevented.  Of course, the workforce will be mostly robots by then.  They'll even have douchebag lawyer robots smart enough to climb the corporate ladder!  What wonders.  Anyway, it's another victory for the #TimesUp movement... damn!  Was gonna try not to say that this week.
I'm going to go ahead and skip down to our next debut called After and... sheesh!  You sure this is PG-13?  It's a thinly autobiographical tale based on a novel by Anna Todd, but she apparently doesn't play a part in the movie proper.  Strange!  Seems like she'd fit right in.  Did I ever bend your ear with my weary old tale of the time I met a young author like Anna Todd?  Why, I didn't even know I had a brush with greatness, but one day she brought in this novel with her name on the cover.  Apparently it wasn't a hoax, but I wasn't one of the lucky few who would get to read it.  I even asked and everything!  Guess it was just a hobby.  Well, if you want to get up there with the Heather Grahams and the Jackie Collinses of the world, you at least have to have assistants to do the work for you.  Okay, so love didn't truimph at the box office this week, nor did Hot Fire, but don't worry.  Greater minds than mine will surely find a way to sell the idea of hot people making love.  This is why I'm just a blogger.
The fourth, and most poorly performing debut this week, is a whimsical CGI tale called Missing Link.  I guess the average moviegoer doesn't use the IMDb as much as I do.  I saw the ads!  It said "From Laika, the makers of Kubo"... maybe it'll do well come Oscar time next year.  Meantime, Joe Cineplex went down there and said "Stay missing."  Ouch.  Anyway, our last debut this week, which actually came in 3rd place, is a reboot of a Guillermo del Toro film from 2004.  Now, you'd think one of his films wouldn't need to be rebooted, would you not?  Then again, this is based on a comic book, which means it needs to be rebooted forever and ever amen, because, well... I mean, hey, every 15 years or so the storytelling technology gets just that much better, right?
Whelp, this would be a good time for y'all to bail out on me because I'm still trying my little memory game.  I think I'm getting better!  It's a cocktail of Starbucks and gingko biloba that's supposed to help my failing memory.  Sadly, all I've been able to use it for is to remember the titles of hit films.  Now, I think there's some sort of swear word in the title... it's like if David Letterman were naming a cartoon character that came from the other place souls go when they die.  Let's see, was it HellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHellHell & HighwaterHell and BackHell and BackHell and BackHell and Back AgainHell and High WaterHell and High WaterHell and Mr. FudgeHell AngelsHell AsylumHell at HeathridgeHell at My HeelsHell Awaits: A Portrait of MadnessHell BabyHell BelowHell BelowHell Below ZeroHell BentHell BentHell BentHell Bent and Heaven BoundHell Bent for LeatherHell Bent for LeatherHell Bent for Leather: Part 1Hell Bent for LoveHell Bent for VictoryHell Bent for WhiskeyHell Bento: Uncovering the Japanese UndergroundHell Blaster BastardsHell BoatsHell BoundHell BoundHell BoundHell Broke LuceHell Broke LuzHell BrothHell CabHell CaminoHell CampHell CamsHell Canyon OutlawsHell CatHell CatsHell CityHell Comes to FrogtownHell Comes to MontanaHELL Comes To SlumbertownHell CommandosHell DateHell DayHell DésirHell DiversHell DriversHell FestHell FireHell Fire and GloryHell FMHell FollowsHell for LeatherHell for LeatherHell for LeatherHell for LeonardHell Froze OverHell Girl: The Fourth TwilightHell GladesHell GraceHell HarborHell Has Harbour ViewsHell Hath Blue SkiesHell Hath Enlarged HerselfHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No FuryHell Hath No Fury Like a Woman ScornedHell Hath No Fury Like a Woman ScornedHell HauntHell HeistHell HighHell HoleHell HoleHell Hole HighHell Hole: Dark HarvestHell Hole: The PossessionHell Hounds of the PlainsHell HourHell HouseHell HouseHell HouseHell HouseHell House LLCHell House LLC II: The Abaddon HotelHell House: The Book of SamielHell HuntersHell in a BottleHell in a CellHell in a CellHell in a CellHell in a HandbagHell in a Size TwelveHell in FrauenseeHell in HeavenHell in KoreaHell in the HeavensHell in the PacificHell in the PacificHell in VegasHell Inc.Hell Inside My HeadHell Is a CityHell is a Game ShowHell Is an EnsiferaHell Is EmptyHell Is EmptyHell Is for BastardsHell is for ChildrenHell Is for HeroesHell Is FullHell Is Other PeopleHell Is Other PeopleHell Is Other PeopleHell Is Other People: If It Stinks, We Can Kill ItHell Is RepetitionHell Is Sold OutHell Is TexasHell Is Where the Home IsHell Is Where the Party IsHell Is You DoingHell Is...Hell Leaks LaughterHell Looks a Lot Like L.A.Hell MaryHell MaryHell Morgan's GirlHell MountainHell MountainHell NightHell NightHell NightHell NightHell Night: Devil's PassHell Night: The SummoningHell Nights with Tom DeSimoneHell NoHell NoHell No We Won't GoHell NurseHell O HelloHell of a DateHell of a DayHell of a DayHell of a DayZHell of a DealHell of a DealHell of a JobHell of a LifeHell of a New YearHell of a NightHell of a ReporterHell of a WeddingHell of an ideaHell of BorneoHell of the InnocentsHell of the Living DeadHell og lykke, Herr Gorsky!Hell on Devil's IslandHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on EarthHell on Earth II: The Arena of DeathHell on Earth Part IHell on Earth VHell on Earth with Alan HowarthHell on Earth: The Fall of Syria and the Rise of ISISHell on Earth: The Story of Hellraiser IIIHell on Frisco BayHell on HeelsHell on HeelsHell on Heels: The Battle of Mary KayHell on Small WheelsHell on the BattlegroundHell on the BorderHell on the BorderHell on the HighwayHell on the RocksHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell on WheelsHell or High WaterHell or High WaterHell or High Water: Filmmaker Q & AHell or High Water: Red Carpet PremiereHell or High Water: The Story of the Nashville RollergirlsHell or High Water: Visualizing the Heart of AmericaHell or High WatersHell or Hot SauceHell ParadeHell PhoneHell PusherHell RaidersHell RaidersHell RaidersHell Raiders of the DeepHell RanchHell Rats of the Living DeadHell RideHell RidersHell Ship MutinyHell SpaHell SquadHell SquadHell SwarmHell TapeHell TargetHell Thou LooseHell to EternityHell to PayHell to PayHell to PayHell to PayHell to PayHell to PayHell TownHell TownHell TownHell TrainHell TripHell Up in HarlemHell W10Hell Walks the EarthHell WeekHell WeekHell Week: The WaitHell WestHell Without LimitsHell YeahHell-AHell-A-VisionHell-BentHell-Bent for FriscoHell-Bent for HeavenHell-BoundHell-ephoneHell-Fire AustinHell-O 400 HourHell-O-WeenHell-Roarin' ReformHell-Ship MorganHell-to-Pay AustinHell, Heaven or HobokenHell, Purgatory, ParadiseHell: A Cyberpunk ThrillerHell: A LifeHell!HELL. A.Hell... On EarthHell's 9th CircleHell's AlleyHell's AngelHell's AngelHell's Angels '69Hell's AngelsHell's Around the CornerHell's BallroomHell's BattlefieldHell's BelleHell's BellesHell's BellesHell's BellesHell's BellsHell's BellsHell's BellsHell's Bells: The Dangers of Rock 'N' RollHell's Bloody DevilsHell's BorderHell's CantinaHell's CaretakerHell's CargoHell's ChainHell's CircusHell's ClubHell's Club Part 2. Another NightHell's CompanyHell's CraterHell's CrossroadsHell's DrifterHell's EndHell's EndHell's FeverHell's Five HoursHell's Four HundredHell's Fury GordonHell's Fury: Wanted Dead or AliveHell's GardenHell's GateHell's GateHell's GateHell's GateHell's Gate BridgeHell's GatesHell's GiftHell's GranniesHell's HabitHell's Half AcreHell's Half AcreHell's Half AcreHell's Half AcreHell's Half Acre: A miniature music motion pictureHell's Half HectareHell's HeadquartersHell's HeartHell's Heathens: Hate Fuck Pain SucksHell's HeroesHell's HighroadHell's HighwayHell's HighwayHell's Highway: The True Story of Highway Safety FilmsHell's HingesHell's HitmanHell's HoleHell's HoleHell's HorizonHell's HouseHell's HouseHell's ImageHell's IntentionsHell's IslandHell's IslandHell's KitchenHell's KitchenHell's KitchenHell's KitchenHell's KitchenHell's Kitchen AustraliaHell's Kitchen ChronicleHell's Kitchen ItaliaHell's Kitchen RussiaHell's Kitchen RussiaHell's Kitchen SuomiHell's Kitchen: Cozinha Sob PressãoHell's Kitchen: School ReunionHell's Kitchen: The Video GameHell's KittenHell's KittyHell's KittyHell's LoopHell's NestHell's OasisHell's OutpostHell's ParadoxHell's PavementHell's ReckoningHell's RoadHell's SatansHell's SnowHell's ThresholdHell's ValleyHell's ValleyHelLAHella & DirkHella 90sHella CrazyHella Gay with Miles MckennaHella HauntedHella Late with Rob SherrellHella OaklandHella RealHella StrongHella WHellääppä hetkeksi!HellaciousHellacious Acres: The Case of John GlassHellamarketingHellandHellapoliisitHellas ohne GötterHellas pantouHellas TerrorHellavatorHellawareHellbenderHellbendersHellbendersHellbentHellbentHellBentHellbentHellbentHellbent and BrokenHellbent for HeavenHellbent for HollywoodHellbent for LeatherHellbent: A Hellraiser ChronicleHellbillyHellBilly 58Hellbilly HollowHellbindersHellblade: Senua's SacrificeHellblauHellblazerHellblazerbizHellblockHellblock 13HellbornHellbornHellboundHellboundHellboundHellboundHellbound: Adirondack ApocalypseHellbound: Hellraiser II - Lost in the LabyrinthHellbound: Hellraiser IIHellbound?Hellbox II: A Dimensão NegraHellbox III - A Vingança De AlastorHellbox: A Caixa Do InfernoHellbreederHellbrideHellcage: Inmate 611 Part 2Hellcat and TalaHellcat Mud WrestlersHellcat's RevengeHellcatsHellcats Highway!Hellcats in High Heels 1Hellcats in High Heels 2Hellcats in High Heels 3Hellcats of the NavyHellcomposer: An Interview with Composer Christopher YoungHellcopterHelldeskHelldiversHelldoradoHelldoradoHelléHelleHelle for HeleneHelle for HøgsbroHelle for LykkeHelle NächteHelle NächteHelleflynderHellegatHellementary: An Education in DeathHellenius HörnaHellequinHeller als der MondHeller AwardsHeller AwardsHeller in Pink TightsHeller jetzt! - Auf den Spuren einer KultfigurHeller TagHellere en tyv i huset end en kurre på trådenHelles sidste dageHellespontHellevatorHellevatorHellevatorHellevator ManHelleveegHellfestHellfest 2010Hellfest 2018HellfieHellfightersHellfireHellfireHellfireHellfireHellFireHellfireHellfire and Brimstone: The Visual Effects of 'Ghost Rider'Hellfire CollectiveHellfire PassHellFishHellfjordHellgateHellgateHellgateHellgate AcademyHellgate of SoissonsHellgate: LondonHellgate: The House That Screamed 2HellgigHellholeHellholeHellhole HostageHellhole with Mary WoronovHellhole WomenHellhole: Inmate 611HellholesHellhoundHellhoundsHellhoundsHellhoundsHellhounds of the WestHellhounds on My Trail: The Afterlife of Robert JohnsonHellicanHelligtrekongersaftenHellingerHellinger's LawHellingproefHellionHellionHellionHellionHellionHellionsHellionsHellions RiseHellis SilenceHellish CreaturesHellish SpidersHellitosis: The Legend of StankmouthHelliumHelliversityHellixiumHellman RiderHellman v. McCarthyHellmasterHellmate! 4: Last Night of the Electro TetherHellMatesHellmationHellmen of Agency 9HellmingtonHellmiraHellmouthHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHellohelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHelloHellohelloHelloHelloHelloHello (Gia): Pirates CityHello (Remix)HelloHello & GoodbyeHello & GoodbyeHello Actors StudioHello AgainHello AgainHello AgainHello AgainHello Again EverybodyHello AlohaHello AmericaHello AnatoliaHello and GoodbyeHello and GoodbyeHello and Goodbye: JT Machinima, Lip Sync VideoHello Anime!Hello ApartmentHello ArsiHello Au RevoirHello Austria - Hello ViennaHello Austrofred - Hello ViennaHello Babies with Doctor RaviHello BabyHello Baby!Hello BastardHello Beautiful Interludes LiveHello Beautiful Interludes Live: Jill ScottHello Beautiful Interludes Live: Johnny GillHello Beautiful Interludes Live: NeyoHello BelfastHello BerlinHello BettyHello BillHello BingoHello BirdyHello BollywoodHello BollywoodHello BritanniaHello BrotherHello BrotherHello Byeon Kang-soeHello CairoHello CaliforniaHello CallerHello CarterHello CarterHello Cebu Maayong Buntag PinoyHello Central, Give Me HeavenHello CharlesHello CharlesHello CharlieHello CheekyHello CheyenneHello ClovisHello ColumbusHello CultureHello CupidHello Cupid RebootHello Cupid: FarrahHello DaisyHello DarknessHello Darkness, My Old FriendHello DarlingHello DarlingHello DarlingHello DebraHello Dere!Hello Design, Interactive DesignHello DestroyerHello DetroitHello Do You Hear Us?Hello DokiHello DollyHello Down ThereHello DubaikkaranHello EarthHello Earthlings!Hello Ed LeeHello ElephantHello Elisabeth!Hello EllieHello Fanta ZHello FayeHello FearHello ForeverHello Friend!Hello FriendsHello from AfarHello from EarthHello From MalaysiaHello from My Front PorchHello from NowhereHello From the Other SideHello from the OutsideHello GangsterHello GeeketteHello GeorgeHello GirlsHello GirlsHello Glen Ward, House DickHello GodHello GOD?Hello Good Afternoon, pwede kay Happy?Hello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello GoodbyeHello Goodbye Music VideoHello GuruHello Guru Prema KosameHello HarinezumiHello HelloHello Hello HelloHello Hello Hello: Lee Ranaldo, Electric TrimHello HemingwayHello HenryHello HermanHello Hero: Epic BattleHello Hero: Holding Out for a HeroHello Hero: New Breed of HeroHello HindustaniHello Hollywood, qui Broadway!Hello HoustonHello How Am IHello Hum Lallann Bol Rahe HainHello HyderabadHello I Am David!Hello i love youHello I Love YouHello I Must Be GoingHello I'm a Vampire, Hello I R ZombieHello Is BrewingHello It's FreoHello JaiHindHello Jam Rao Dai MaiHello Jonte' MoaningHello JunkieHello Kitty and FriendsHello Kitty OnlineHello Kitty's Cube FrenzyHello Kitty's Furry Tale TheaterHello Kitty's ParadiseHello Kitty's ParadiseHello KolkataHello Korea GoodbyeHello KseniaHello KumiHello LAHello LadassiaHello LadiesHello Ladies: Invitation to the SetHello LafayetteHello Light! 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Directing Dolly: Gene Kelly RememberedHello, Dr. Jekyll: An Interview with Udo KierHello, Duffer BrothersHello, ErickHello, Everybody!Hello, FriendHello, Frisco, HelloHello, Game of Thrones ParodyHello, Good Times!Hello, GoodbyeHello, GoodbyeHello, GoodbyeHello, GoodbyeHello, GoodbyeHello, Goodnight, GoodbyeHello, He Lied & Other Truths from the Hollywood TrenchesHello, Hello, HelloHello, Here Is BerlinHello, HollywoodHello, Home DepotHello, HoustonHello, I Am NoraHello, I'm Famous.Hello, I'm Not Here Right NowHello, I'm SteveHello, It's Gert!Hello, It's MeHello, jij daar!Hello, JoannHello, JudgeHello, Kids!Helló, kö kóla?Hello, LarryHello, Love, GoodbyeHello, LucyHello, MabelHello, MalcolmHello, MarsHello, MotherHello, Mrs. MoneyHello, MumHello, My Name Is AbigailHello, My Name Is BobHello, My Name Is CharlieHello, My Name Is DeathHello, My Name Is Dick LickerHello, My Name Is DorisHello, My Name Is FrankHello, My Name Is HermanHello, My Name Is SimonHello, My Name Is TroubleHello, Pardner!Hello, PhillipHello, ProsperityHello, RainHello, RamonaHello, Sister!Hello, StrangerHello, StrangerHello, StrangerHello, SuckerHello, SuzzieHello, SweetheartHello, TelevisionHello, ThanksHello, This Is AustraliaHello, This Is the Good Chat Club!Hello, TroubleHello, Welcome to Bubbletown's Happy ZooHello, WorldHello, You're DeadHello, You've Reached...Hello, Young LoversHello: A Portrait of Leslie PhillipsHello: Evanescence CoverHello: In LoveHello!Hello!Hello! AegisshiHello! Gandhe SirHello! HollywoodHello! Hollywood 2010Hello! I'm a Producer of Woody AllenHello! Lady LynnHello! Mr. MayorHello! ParisHello! Sandy BellHello! Shu xian shengHello! West IndiesHello! Yoga Kids!Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello? Kaun Hai!Hello. Good MorningHello. Tomorrow.Hello...Hello... My Name IsHello... My Name Is MarcoHello' in 7 Seconds Without Any WordsHelloDavideTVHellogoodbyeHellogoodbye: PBS I Wanna See the StatesHelloIndo Exclusive Interview: Joseph VincentHellos & GoodbyesHelloween - High LiveHelloween: Hellish VideosHelloween: I Want OutHellowoo goseuteuHelloXRyanHellozeworldHellpHellpHellphoneHellphoneHellphoneHellphoneHellraidHellraiserHellraiser III: Hell on EarthHellraiser: BloodlineHellraiser: Deader - Winter's LamentHellraiser: DeaderHellraiser: EvolutionsHellraiser: HellseekerHellraiser: HellworldHellraiser: InfernoHellraiser: JudgmentHellraiser: OriginsHellraiser: ProphecyHellraiser: ResurrectionHellraiser: RevelationsHellraiser: What's Your Pleasure?HellraisersHellraisin' Good TimeHellridersHellriders: RegenerationHellriders: ReloadedHellriserHellrollerHells Angels ForeverHells Angels on WheelsHells BellsHells BellsHELLS BELLSHells Bells PresentsHells Chosen FewHells ParadiseHells PlaygroundHells Renegades (H.R.)HellsagaHellscapeHellscreenHellsehen - nachgeprüftHellseher wider WillenHellship BronsonHellshocksHellsingHellsing UltimateHellsing Ultimate AbridgedHellsing: The DawnHellsinki StreetHellspawnHellstartHellstoneHellstormHellstrøm InvitererHellstrøm Rydder OppHellstrøm Rydder Opp: HjemmeHellstrøms KjøkkenHellstrøms MatmatchHellstrøms MesterkokkHelltownHelluva DrugHellvenHellvetiaHellveticaHellviewHellweekHellyeah, Stampede: Live from DallasHellyeah: Below the BeltHellyeah: HumanHellyeah: HushHellyeah: You Wouldn't KnowHellyfishHellyysHellzapoppin'Hellzapoppin' Spooktacular: The Making of 'Ghouls Gone Wild'Hellzone RangersHelmikuun manifestiHelmut Qualtinger: Porträt eines UnbequemenHelpHelp Fight EPDHelp MeHelp Me FirstHelp Me Help YouHelp WantedHelp! - 50 Jahre Beatles in ObertauernHelp!Help! I'm a HoarderHelp! War ChildHelp!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch!Helping HandHelpless Naked Bondage Girls!Helt ind til benetHem ljuva hemHem till bynThe Allendale CurseThe Shadow PlayXi hong shi shou fu?  ...no?  Better keep trying then.

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