Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Miracle on the (Box Office) Highway

Have you noticed that no one ever says they want to go to Detroit? They always say they HAVE to go to Detroit. Is it just me, or did I overhear that correctly?

Well, the worst nightmare came true, didn't it? The Vestiges of Secularia on the hillside are continually being eroded away by the fire hoses held and sprayed by the Kingdom of Religi-slovakia. Some call this vindication for Mel Gibson, and I agree. He directs a #1 movie, and he didn't even have to star in it! For me, Lethal Weapon 5 will be the real test. Which is why we'll look at the cumulative totals first.
Coming in at the cumulative #1 it's Happy Feet which actually came in at #3 this week. Having banked a grand total of 138 million, Mad Max director George Miller surely has happy feet of his own, but I don't think they're running yet to Mad Max 4, still MIA from the IMDb where it once stood proud and tall, and pre-budgeted at 105 million Kangarouros, or whatever Australia's currency is now.
Next it's Casino Royale at #2, which came in at #4 this week. Okay, so it technically was never #1, and they had the dignity to not run the ads saying "It's the #1 Live-action Action flick this week!" If they wanted to, that's another story. It's still the most profitable movie Mr. Craig's been in yet, so suck it up.
#3 is the Santa Clause 3, which came in at #10. ...nope. No catty quips come to mind. I'm all out. ...wait! Thought of one. I don't think it'll pass Don Rickles' test; the next time he runs across Martin Short he can still say "One hit! That's all you need! One hit!"
#4: Déjà Vu at #7 this week. No catty quips here either. But I did get the accents over the vowels right, finally!
#5: deck the halls at #9. Still haven't seen it, but I'll never forget the sight of that sled flying over the interstate, lookin' all blurry as though they were Panning and Scanning on it. They weren't, because the rest of the screen stayed in place. Very strange. Well, that's digital video film for you!
#6: the nativity story at #8. Might've made more money if it was a direct-to-DVD release.
#7: someone's beloved Apocalypto, because it wouldn't have sold if it was called Mel Gibson's Touchy Feely Warm Fuzzies movie. Okay, Mr. Gibson, you're on the wagon again, but for me the real test of salesmanship will be Those who Trespass. If THAT's number one, then we've truly entered the Seventh Day Adventists Armageddon, people. Something about the next elected pope, and Ahnold Schwarzenegger turning California into a giant German embassy. Incidentally, what does that say about your religion if it depends on the outcome of another religion?
#8: the Holiday. Sorry, Pick of Destiny. Let the big horses drink from the trough first.
#9: Blood Diamond at #5. What a poor performance. How do you think this makes all the New York City DVD bootleggers feel? Back to anonymity with ye until ye hitch yer wagons to a more shooting of a star than this.
#10: Unaccompanied Minors at #6. Well, don't listen to the angry critics. It's time to bombard the airwaves with the Oscar ads. You know, John Williams conducting the Boston Pops in the background, the words 'For your consideration' in the corner, the name of the film in the lower-right, something dignified! The Oscar speeches. Strike while the iron's hot, my friends.

Well, that's about all the damage I can do right now! But the story's far from over. Why, Apocalypto's cumulative totals is rounded up to 15 million dollars! That's GREAT NEWS!

1 comment:

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