Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Wait in line for toilet paper? No thanks.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Well, we got past the Ides of March with nary a scratch, but now we must contend with the Ides of April! Far worse, I would offer. Why, I barely cracked the tax booklet yet and we've already got another box office slug-em-out fest to contend with. But enough about 300's sophomore slump. Let's start all the way at the bottom and work our way back to #1, babe, but this time we'll revive that happiness that died.

Dang! Even the creators of Music and Lyrics didn't expect it to last this long, and unlike Hugh's character in About a Boy, he's got no royalties safety net to fall back upon, and in the end, isn't the lack of a safety net what makes things that much more interesting?

Coming in at #9 it's Norbit, which doesn't defy the ancient Movie Title Rule like Music and Lyrics does at #10. Because from now on, when someone says "Norbit", you and I can say "Oh, God! That?" And everybody will know what we're talking about; I mean, everybody here will know exactly what we're talking about; takin' 'bout Norbit stuck on the soles of our shoes.

Sorry, another lyric reference. At #8 it's Zodiac, and there's already Oscar buzz a mere 11 months away. Too bad it's making Oscar-nominated money, too. I think they'd rather have a hit. Speaking of which, Ghost Rider is still riding high at #7, and with 100 million plus in the bank, it has about as good a chance as taking the Republican nomination for 2008 presidential candidate as anyone else. We know better than to try to get Cheney to run, even though it's normally tradition for the VP to run for P. Too bad 41 didn't do like Cheney's going to!

At #6 it's Bridge to Terabithia which is building a bridge to a Bridge to Terabithia sequel. But who will work on Prince Caspian in the meantime?
Finally! The top 5, and rounding it out is I Think I Love My Wife. Is it (a) just another tale of Monogamy Blues, (b) the latest bomb from Chris Rock, or (c) is this indeed a new day in America? The ultimate triumph of FUBU cinema? A day when black men are allowed to play the same crappy roles that white men traditionally have played? Are We Done Yet? Well, there's another setback along the way, but otherwise I remain hopeful and say the answer to this query is indeed (c).
Moving on to #4 it's Dead Silence, from the lunkheads responsible for the Saw trilogy. Soon to be Saw Quartet, go figure! Things move way too fast for me these days. Anyway, this one is about a puppeteer not too dissimilar from the Saw clown, or whatever it is. Needless to say, if this film doesn't turn a profit, can you even doubt the next one's going to be about a movie producer rising from the grave exacting revenge on a disinterested movie-going public?

At #3 it's everyone's precious Premonition. The only movie in recent memory where they used a Flash ad online to make someone's face out of shrubbery and tree limbs. Well, unless you count Hannibal's face made out of pigeons, but wasn't that long enough ago? Does this mean she doesn't have to make cameo appearances on the G.Lo show anymore?

At #2 brings us Wild Hogs. I'm still speechless.
And finally at #1 it's someone's beloved 300. They're showing that picture of that one ripped dude screaming everywhere. I swear it's Clive Owen! Or at least, they wish they were. I guess that's all to say about it. Apparently it's based on the battle of Thermopylae, only way, WAY less boring. And with that, it's time to close the book on the Box Office this week. We have all tended this garden far too long; I was going to say just me, but frankly we could all use a break. We need to save up our strength for March 23rd, a big day for sequels: Hills have Eyes 2 and the sequel to The Family Man, amongst others. This list is going to look very different indeed! :)

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