Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Iron Man, pt. 1

I hate to keep harping on this, but if there's anyone out there with No Country on Blu-Ray, maybe you could pause it for me and try to make out the inscription on that thing that's on the wall of the convenience store. It's probably not a circa-1980 thing, but I'll let it pass. I just wanna know what it says. Damn! I knew I should have taken a pair of binoculars to the theater with me... Also, note the ravages of bad letterboxing. Why, about a fifth of the bottom of the screen has been hacked off for the sake of prestigious-looking letterboxing. Similar hatchet jobs have been done to O Brother Where Art Thou and Intolerable Cruelty, although I suppose less people care so much about the latter. Am I the only one? Okay, skip it.
So! Let's dive right into the latest news, and I'll do it like I once did many moons ago: focusing on the bottom 5 first. At #10 it's 88 minutes, or ... wait, I know the answer to this one: 15 Minutes, part 5.86666667, something like that. Technically, it's a bomb, right? Oh well, these days certain people can bomb any number of times and it's okay.
At #9 it's 21, or Beyond the Sea 1.5, heh heh. And this thing's doing gangbusters, opening the door for movies to be green-lit about cribbage, abacuses, Old Maid, Go Fish and Bridge. Maybe David Mamet can get together with Ricky Jay and whip up something about Bridge, the Professor Emeritus of card games. Not too many writers can do a good treatment on the subject. Maybe get Eric Roth and Tony Kushner in on it too, for good measure. And Michael Tolkin and Steven Zaillian, they're not busy, right?
Prom Night slashes its way to #8. It's not your father's PG-13, I can tell you that!
At #7 it's Nim's Island. Speaking of games! Isn't Nim the one where you can cross off any number of slashes so that you're not the last sucker in the room, something like that? Neil Gaiman, eat your heart out. Anyway, Nim answers the question: what if Jodie Foster gave a movie and nobody came? Ah, she'll probably brush it off. Besides, she's still got Inside Man 2 to contend with, right? Or will they replace her with Maggie Gyllenhaal too?
And finally for now, from the director of Tummy Trouble and Roller Coaster Rabbit, comes The Forbidden Kingdom. Yes, that's right, in what should have been a perfectly good episode of (Hollywood) Auteur Watch, we ever so briefly examine the rise and rise of Rob Minkoff through the Hollywood ranks. No doubt about it, the bastid's paid his dues and then some. Apparently he was an animator on a little gem called Technological Threat. Careful, Rob! I think Kroyer's got your cell phone number, but he'll wait for the right opportunity to call, so brace yourself.
Okay, peace out.

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