Sunday, May 25, 2008

...close enough

Yep, just going to sneak this one in under the wire. And it's Prince Caspian taking its toll a whole week before Indiana Jones 4 is sure to mop up. A good friend of mine who's opinion I trust mentioned Caspian and said, "I don't get it." I said, yeah, the whole C.S. Lewis thing, series of six books, and they go, "I still don't get it." Apparently they just have previous footage of Tilda Swinton as the White Witch, doing like Boromir in LOTR:ROTK. And didn't Liam Neeson retire again? But they do have Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage going toe to toe. See all the fun you're missing, Rappaport? Oh, that was just wrong...

At #2, it's Iron Man, surely paving the way for Elf 2, Zathura 2 and Made 2. Meanwhile, in other similar good news, What Happens in Vegas... stays strong at #3. You're still sexy, Cameron, don't worry. But let's have a shout out for scripter Dana Fox. Oh sure, you're not as dynamic or as Oscar-winning as Diablo Cody, but surely your next crappy script will be green-lit now, no problem! But look out, video shelves, we're already ramping up for When in Rome. Now, what's that all about? I don't think anyone's going to touch Do like the French Do, or maybe something about tourists in heat making whoopee on Easter Island. See? It writes itself!

Meanwhile at #4 it's Speed Racer. There's a lesson here, Wachowski brothers. Time to start doing interviews, even if they are unflattering. As for #5, Made of Honor, it's made of pure star charisma, flying high solely on the wings of Patrick Dempsey. Surely it is time for Run 2: 20 years Later or Loverboy 2: 20 years later? Resist the temptation, Demp!

As for the rest of you slugs, who cares. Except for The Visitor which, much like Made of Honor before it, is soaring on the wings of Six Feet Under star Richard Jenkins. Yes, he's flying high on his own now, giving comfort to all the unremarkable pasty white men out there. And speaking of the upcoming Step Brothers, is it not time for Jenkins and James Taylor to star in Two-Lane Blacktop 2: The Next Generation? In which Jenkins and Taylor mentor a couple of young punks, and I'm thinking John Mayer and, what's his name, that dufus married to Ashlee Simpson. Not the guy who was married to Jessica, though. Nick Lachey, that's the bastid. No, he's going to play the son of the bad karate teacher in the upcoming Karate Kid 5: Beyond All Hope.

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