Sunday, November 16, 2008

OO7 La La!!

You did it, Craiggers! You won't have Happy Feet to kick you around any more! Yes, Bond crushed the cute cuddly CGI-nimals by almost a 2 to 1 margin. But to better savor the flavor of this victory, we gotta start at #10 and work our way to the top.
And at #10 it's The Haunting of Molly Hartley, raking in only 1.65 million dollars. Oh, I've just never seen #10 this anemic. Actually, yes I have. Worse! Like at 0.89 million, but I'm too rushed for time to check my spotty records. But it's almost gone, folks, consigned to a lifetime on the video shelves next to Darkness Falls and ... others, I'm sure. Phew! I bet Naomi Watts is glad she turned both of those down!
At #9 it's the Disney musical Saw V. I just love the part where Mickey has a cameo as the gruff principal, but a softie beneath that cancer-ridden exterior.
#8 gives us the vivacious gift of bees! The Secret Life of Bees, to bee exact! Hah! Those comedy dividends keep coming in. And according to my extensive data, it's the only movie in recent memory to stick around for 5 weeks in the Top 10! Just behind Beverly Hills Chihuahua and 7-weeker Eagle Eye, but that slipped to #11, so screw that one!!
Meanwhile at #7 it's Bernie Mac's last movie, Soul Men. Go and see his last, you cheap bastards! Oh wait, that's next year. Meanwhile further, at #6, it's the movie that we WISH were Kevin Smith's last, Zack and Miri dot dot dot. C'mon, Kev! Quit while you're ahead! Go out on top! Someone else will do Fletch Won and The Green Lantern... and Clerks 3. Yeah, that's right, Jeff Anderson's got a treatment, the turncoat. Time for the next generation to shine.
Slipping slightly to #5 it's Changeling. Guess Warner Bros. didn't have confidence in this one. Why not put it in 14,000 theaters? But ya better look out, because the Oscar race is heating up. Another contender for Best Picture is on the horizon, and it's Defiance, Clint, my friend! Could this be Edward Zwick's big year, statuette wise? Good luck for two brothers in one year? Don't hold your breath...
Meanwhile at #4 it's the latest in that disgusting horror series: High School Musical 3. Bring your whole family to see the state-of-the-art in creative eviscerations! After all, you can't spell eviscerate without creative, and you got an 'e' and an 's' left to add and... ah, skip it.
#3 gives us Role Models. Yeah, that McLovin' guy, is he the new Matthew Laborteaux or what? Anyone? Whiz Kids? It took me so long to remember that! And of course who can forget Madagascar 2 at #2. Bet they thought for sure it would beat Bond out this time. Sadly, no. Also, Wall~E's gonna kick their ass at Oscar time. Double sadly no. Or as they say at 1984, Double-plus-un-good!
Can you believe it? Only one newbie this week! It's a tight market, but everything shifted down out of respect. Oh right, I forgot. Twilight is next week. Boy, is that bad boy gonna clean up. That's because vampires are sexy. Ever heard of a sexy zombie? All dead bones and rotting flesh covered with maggots and dirt? No thanks, girlfriend! No, the most unsightly thing you get with vampires are extra-large bags under their eyes. Not to mention the whole incinerated by the sun thing, but at least it goes quick. Better to go like that than be an unattractive zombie forever. Right, horror movie buffs? Oh but I digress. Bond is back, baby! And more importantly, the title's full of 'O's so they can do that sideways 007 thing we're all sick of in the commercials. What exactly is a Quantum of Solace? Does Bond try to shut down an even bigger particle accelerator? And how does Paul Haggis detract from the script on this one? Damn, he's busy! Damn Canadians and their superior health care. William Shatner and Tom Green will assuredly outlive us all. I'm just too angry to continue, folks.

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