Saturday, August 04, 2012

Probably Batman again...

Alas, the last installment of this current Batman franchise doesn't have the staying power to hold off all the latest newbies, not like the Joker one.  But for now, it's still on the top of the mountain.  Jessica Biel appeared on The Daily Show on Thursday to help plug the movie, and perhaps that helped, but the latest Total Recall remake only came in at #2.  Even Jon Stewart was waxing nostalgic for Verhoeven's obnoxious, lovable 1990 version!  The head bomb!  "Get your ass to Mars!"  "Those a$$#0le$ at Rekall have f####d up your mind, honey!"  And damn it, so do I.  But both still feature the woman with three... ah, skip it.  The other debut this week is the latest in the Wimpy Kid franchise, and once again all the bigger movies beat up on this one.  Someone call the principal!  Frankly, it's their own fault.  Apparently, they've combined books Three and Four into one movie.  The Wimpy Kid moviemakers are beating up on the Wimpy Kid books!  Someone call the publisher!  Someone call the author!  This one snuck up on me as Roger Ebert didn't even review it.  And, according to its IMDb External Reviews page, neither have the hipsters over at The Onion or The Village Voice.  Only six so far have beaten the rush to stake their claim on the Wimpy Kid 3 bandwagon.  Alone in the Dark says "Greg’s misadventures are good natured but starting to wear a little thin..." BULLY!!!  The Austin Chronicle found it to be suitable family entertainment, but gave it a mere three stars out of five.  BULLY!!!!!!! gives it 3.5 stars.  They're okay.  Total Film says "Steve Zahn, returning as Greg’s father, overacts as if he’s in a Looney Tunes cartoon."  BULLY!!!!! 
View New Zealand says "Like the first two films, Dog Days is entirely watchable, but it's also lazily written and never quite as clever, as funny or as emotionally engaging as it ought to be."  BULLY!!!!!!!  Meanwhile, across the pond, ViewLondon says "Like the first two films, Dog Days is entirely watchable, but it's also lazily written and never quite as clever, as funny or as emotionally engaging as it ought to be."  Well!  Who's the lazy one now?
I can't figure out why Disney isn't all over the Wimpy Kid franchise.  I'll tell you why... because they're BULLIES!!!  They probably think they can get Joe Eszterhas to write up a wimpy kid-type pic from scratch, but they don't understand.  The people are clamoring for a Wimpy Kid to lead them!  To teach them about the simple joys of life, of being able to enjoy summer vacation, to pitch some woo with that cute girl from class.  And yes, perhaps even driving cross country in your GAS-POWERED VEHICLE the way God intended.  Kids know they're getting a raw deal when they see one.  The time has come to overthrow the bossy parents and the non-wimps of the world.  The streets shall run red with their blood!  As for me, I'm looking forward to the next twenty or thirty books in the Wimpy Kid franchise.  As for actor Zach Gordon... good Lord!  What happens when he grows up and becomes a Wimpy teenager?  A wimpy college graduate?  What's he going to grow up to be?  Probably a wimpy teacher pushed around by Republican jocks of all stripes that hate schools and greedy teachers' unions. 
No, no, this is a book we're talking about.  A Wimpy Kid book.  He's got to go the political route: perhaps start as a Wimpy pundit.  I got it!  He'll get his own show on CNN, perhaps in Erin Burnett's time slot.  He'll be an independent, of course, struggling to bring both sides together.  Surely we can agree that the deficit is really, really big?  Somehow, punditry's not enough.  Time for Diary of a Wimpy State Representative.  Why does he keep getting beat up by the Jocks of the House of Representatives?  Time for Diary of a Wimpy Congressman.  But why does he keep getting beat up by Jock lobbyists and Jock senators?  Time for Diary of a Wimpy Governor.  But why does he keep getting beat up by that Jock Texas Governor?  Time for Diary of a Wimpy Presidential Candidate.  But why does the Pew Center keep beating him up with their Jock polls?  Time for Diary of a Wimpy President.  And, unlike Nixon, even the Wimpy Kid knows there's nowhere else to go now.  This is the summit of all achievements in this one-world culture.  Time for Diary of a Wimpy Longing for Semi-Anonymity.  YOU WIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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