Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Hateful Ten

And so!  We've got a whopping three new debuts this week, as Furious 7's reign of terror continues at the box office.  First up, there is moderate joy in Sandlerville as Paul Blart 2 strikes out at a mere #2.  The former king of Queens continues his reign as a mere nobleman in the House of Sandler.  Clearly they've rejected my idea for an ad campaign: using the slogan "Paul Blart - Fresh as Fart."  Wouldn't that look great on t-shirts and buttons to put on said t-shirts?  But Kevin's dream lives on, that ancient dream of living large in the spotlight.  Sure, he's the star of Paul Blart 2, but he's still a star!  Makes me think of that old Donald Menzel star guide from my childhood, where even the occasional 12th magnitude star gets a shout out from its empty portion of the sky.  And something tells me that Rob Schneider's not too far away, in his new role in the casting department, making sure no uggos make it into a Sandler production.  Almost makes me feel sorry for them, having to sit there and say "Oh, Mr. Schneider!  I just loved you in The Hot Chick and The Animal!"  "I can be whoever you want me to be, darling," he says as he holds their young hand with his old leathery one.  "But I've got another appointment with some Sony executives in about twenty minutes, so we better make this fast," says Deuce Bigalow.  Maybe we should move on.
At #3, it's the latest low budget horror flick craze, and it's called Cybernatural.  The one I'm waiting for is Unfriended.  Revenge on Charlene!!! There must be some joy in Googleville.  I mean, look at the poster for Cybernatural!  LOOK UPON IT!!!  This Laura Barns must be living someone's dream.  By God, the name Laura Barns is going to mean something to you, just like the words "before" and "after" will never be the same to you after you see the 1996 Liam Neeson flick, Before and After.  But don't be fooled: Luc Besson had nothing to do with that one.  Anyway, I'll admit it.  I'm far too distracted by my own thoughts at the moment, but I did take a brief glance at the cast of Cybernatural and I saw the following name: Heather Sossaman.  And I thought to myself, as I often do... where have I heard that name before?  Sossaman, not Heather.  And then it finally hit me!  Shannyn Sossaman!  Apparently they're not siblings.  You know, just like Kate and Brian Bosworth aren't.  So, what's Shannyn Sossaman?  Chopped liver?  The answer may not surprise you, because yes, she is.  I mean, look at Shannyn's biography!  LOOK UPON IT!!!!!!!!!  It says Maxim's Hot 100 of 2002, not 2015.  Like every other girl in Hollywood that's made it on to a Maxim Hot list, they're now confined to the Hollywood "Grandma Ghetto" that I just made up.  ADAPT OR DIE.  ADAPT OR DIE.  No shame in taking the grandma role.  It's just a shame that people like Grandma's Boy so much... I mean, it's just a shame that there's a shortage of good roles for grandmas.
And lastly, at #7 it's David Michôd's long awaited sequel to his 2010 breakout feature Animal Kingdom and it's called Monkey Kingdom.  Oh boy!  I can't wait!  The poo's going to be flung tonight!  I gotta go.

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