Sunday, March 13, 2016

Zootopia, Sacha Nightmare!

Four debuts this week.  First up: there is sadness in J. J. Abrams-ville, as something called 10 Cloverfield Lane only debuts at #2.  I mean, for God's sake!  They spent double the film's budget on TV adverts!  Don't people pay attention to that anymore?  I guess people got confused.  Is it a sequel to Cloverfield or isn't it?  Where's the Statue of Liberty getting destroyed?  We're confused!  So while J. J. Abrams is still the new Spielberg, and will probably get everything he ever wants for the rest of his showbiz career... some will be grousing about this production of his not hitting #1.  Zootopia was just too strong.
As for the rest of the debuts, it's been a rough week, and not just on my overworked hands.  Paper cuts, bloody fingernails, that notch in my right pointer finger opened anew because of turning keys way too much again... long story.  But no other debuts this week were able to crack the Top 5!  Just the Cloverfield one.  The first debut is something called The Perfect Match.  Now, if you're like me, you're thinking "Why would they re-release the 1988 classic starring Marc McClure, from the Back to the Future trilogy and the 'original' Jimmy Olsen?"  Well, Greg... when you've got an epic, iconic, game-changing title like Picture Perfect... I mean, The Object of My Affection... I mean, The Perfect Match, well, you just can't restrict it to one film and one film alone.  Every generation throws a hero up the pop charts, and every generation deserves the right to remake a title in its own image.  We need people who are young and now on that sliver screen, damn it!  Not yesteryear young!  Ick!  Ewwwwww!  ...boy, the web's my nemesis today.  And power outages; just had the fourth hiccup where the computer had to reboot.  God bless our aging infrastructure.  May it never be improved upon either by sectors public or private!
...where was I?  So, The Perfect Match (2016), debuting at #6, isn't this week's new religious film.  No, that honor seems to go to The Young Messiah at #7.  It's based on an Anne Rice novel, and directed by one of the guys behind a 9/11 TV movie that tries to indict Costco for treason.  Oh, he's no one-hit wonder, he is!
And speaking of the fortunes of the current elite establishment being down and out, there's Borat's new movie called (The Brothers) Grimsby.  One of the snarky web headlines said something like "Sacha Baron Cohen's movie bombs... and hard."  Something to that effect.  And you know who I blame for that?  Jimmy Kimmel.  That's right!  I said it!  And why?  Well, first of all, they show a clip of the movie to Kimmel's audience, and they gasp in shock and all that.  Then, they show Kimmel's audience in an advert on the TV for the film.  I guess people got confused, because usually when they show an audience's reaction to a film on TV, they're all green, because the footage gets taken in the dark.  The footage from Kimmel's show was taken in bright light.
Okay, sure, Borat was probably a fluke.  But still, despite all that, I can't help but ask yet again... where's the influence, Kimmel?  I thought you were supposed to be the new Johnny Carson!  Well, when Carson was starting out, at least he was doing a 90-minute show in New York.  Okay, you're busting your ass, doing all these live shows after the Super Bowl and the Oscars and what not.  So why are you still treading water after ten years or so?  Where's the influence?  Letterman had the Top 10 List and some other stuff he and his writers came up with in the late 80s.  Jay had Jaywalking and Evil Jay and other stuff.  Conan's given us Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.  Jimmy Fallon's got "Lick It for 10"... you got anything like that?  Anything at all?  How's Dane Cook doing these days?  When's the last time you had Adam Carolla on?  As Nixon said... no, I dare not repeat it here.

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