Sunday, May 21, 2017

Keep Watching the Skeis

...oh, right!  My weekly report.  I've decided to try and just ignore the news this week, and focus only on that art form that requires a focus puller... the cinema.  And... I probably shouldn't do this, but I'm going to take this opportunity to rag on my spreadsheet software:  Usually when it has a crash, it's pretty good about restoring the files that have crashed... as far as I know.  However, the program itself is apparently what has crashed, as I am unable to properly view some of the spreadsheet programs upon which I have found myself relying as of late.  Looks like it's time to try and figure out the problem in a message board site.  Ugh.
Anyway, enough of that.  On to the movies.  As expected, the latest installment of the Alien/Prometheus franchise is Alien v. Predator 3: Die Predator Die... I mean, something called Alien: Covenant.  Yes, it was about 38 years ago today that director Ridley Scott made a successful bid to joining that group of blockbuster directors: William Friedkin, Spielberg, Coppola, George Lucas... Mike Nichols?  Now he's just happy if he wakes up in the morning and he hasn't soiled himself... sorry, I know.  I think I have made that quip before.  But this new Alien movie has a large and diverse cast, one member of which is a guy named Daniel McBride.  Which makes me think that when you're a director like Ridley Scott, apparently you don't interact much with certain members of the cast at all.  I mean, would it kill you to talk to Jody Hill once?  Just one time?
The next debut this week seems to me to be one of these The Fault in Our Stars type of deals, if only in the sense that it's a Young Adult novel, and a New York Times bestseller not authored by Nicholas Sparks.  This one is titled Rochelle Rochelle... I'm sorry, that's actually the story of a young girl's strange yet erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.  Normally you'd want to go from Minsk to Milan, pretty much for any reason you can think of, but that's neither here nor there.  No, our #2 debut this week is called Europa Europa... I'm sorry, that's actually the story of a young boy in Nazi Germany who joins Hitler Youth.  Guess what the punchline is?  That's right!  He's Jewish!  Well, hey, look at it this way.  That's actually what you want, because the Jewish ones will try twice as hard to impress the bonafide German ones.  Those German ones tend to get a little complacent, seeing as how they don't have to struggle to fit in.  No, this one is called Everything, Everything.  It's the story of a teenage girl who's a shut-in, primarily because she needs to be to survive.  She's apparently allergic to everything, so she has to stay inside!  Wouldn't you?  If you were allergic to everything?  I tell you, though, being allergic to everything has its benefits.  For one thing, it might keep you thin.  I had a college professor who was allergic to nuts, and he was one thin bastard!  But anyway, back to the film.  As I learned from my silent movies, love laughs at locksmiths, and apparently at allergies, despite what Sleepless in Seattle would have you believe.  Although... I hate to say it, but I'll say it anyway.  I know, right?  A blogger afraid of giving an insulting opinion?  What's the world coming to these days?  But check out the poster for Everything, Everything... I mean, really, isn't every couple like this?  She's a non-white supermodel, and he's got kind of a creepy, sex-offender vibe.  Like if Crispin Glover were a sex offender or something.  As for the allergies, well... you know what I heard and or read one time?  You probably saw the same thing.  It's that the American diet is so bad and lacking in fiber, that chunks of undigested food pass through the alimentary canal and directly into the bloodstream, so white blood cells confuse the food for deadly pathogens and start attacking them.  And then, pretty soon, boom!  You're allergic to peanuts and your once daily bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal.  Of course, it's probably a more longer, drawn-out process, but it kind of makes sense.  So eat your bran, damn it!
Our last debut this week is one of those damn Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies that everyone hates.  But you gotta hand it to them.  Sure, they could take the easy way out and turn the Wimpy Kid saga into a Netflix or Amazon series, or maybe even try to get an AMC series out of it.  Or maybe let Tyler Perry turn it into one of his Shakespearean series for TBS!  But no.  The creators of Wimpy Kid have their pride, and they're of a certain age where a theatrical release was the way to go.  I mean, the prestige!  The potential for an Oscar!  I'm going to call it here first, as a matter of fact, now that I think of it... a Wimpy Kid sweep at the Oscars?  Picture, Adapted Screenplay, one of the Actors... maybe Alicia Silverstone?  Maybe Best Cinematography... you know, just to stick it to Roger Deakins?

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