Sunday, June 11, 2017
...where was I? Oh yeah. Just a few political brain farts before we dive into the numbers. As you know, Britain's current PM Theresa May had a special election a few years earlier. Apparently, she misunderestimated her party's popularity, and wanted to increase her seat majority. The plan totally backfired. And Republicans in this country don't have the opportunity to say "See that? Look around this world of yours, Liberals, and witness the march of conservatism around the world. WE shall overcome this time!" Not a peep. The Pussy-Grabber, World's Worst Landlord in Chief called it "surprising." As for Comey's testimony, well, it finally happened and wasn't sabotaged like I thought it would be, with Steve Bannen streaking through the room, screaming "THERE'S A BOMB!!! THERE'S A BOMB!!!! EVERYBODY OUT!!!" I kinda wanted to read Kayleigh Mack-a-ninny's tweet about how she loves it when this kind of thing pisses off liberals. Yeah but...
Okay, enough of the real world. How's the box office this week? Well, whatever adventure Wonder Woman is on in the movies, it hits the #1 spot yet again. No one thought it could happen twice... something like that. Insert your own lewd joke here. But the movies for the guys aren't far behind, so don't worry. At #2, it's the #1 Tom Cruise movie this week, and it's called The Mummy. However, judging from the ads, it's not your grandfather's mummy. They keep showing this chick with two eyes! I mean, she has eyes with two pupils. Guh-ross. You know, baby, when I look into your eye, I see two limpid pools of blue. How messed up is that? I hate to say it... I know, not really, right? Just a manner of speech, suh! But this new mummy comes from a long tradition of movie villains, dating all the way back to Suicide Squad. I'm assuming that's it, because this new mummy seemed an awful lot like that... that... one character in S.Squ. You might know the one I'm talking about! The role played by that girl? Who was in that thing? I think it was June Moone slash Enchantress. The one character that's 7,000 years old, able to break into Iran's CIA equivalent in a single bound and steal their most sensitive documents, that kind of thing.
Meanwhile, in more mortal-type news, one of the reviews was ragging on how 54-year old Tom Cruise is playing the same old role he once played in movies like Cocktail and Top Gun. I try to look on the positive side of things and say, hey! Can't blame a guy for trying! Cary Grant hung in there for as long as he could! Let's say Charade was his last chance at wooing a younger gal. And Audrey Hepburn was only 25 years younger! Oh, there's all kinda historical precedent and sh... stuff. I'm sure Tom Cruise is way more buff, of course. As for the people behind the camera, well, we've got Cruise's latest collaborators. There's Christopher McQuarrie of The Usual Suspects fame, and you've got several members of the J. J. Abrams camp. Why, this might even be a Bad Robot co-production! ...nope. My dreams deffered again.
Meanwhile, in low-budge horror film news, something called It Comes at Night debuts at #6. Which probably won't slow Joel Edgerton down any time soon; he's still on his way to either an Oscar(TM)(R) or playing the lead in that much awaited Conan O'Brien biopic. But what about the rest of the cast and crew? How are they supposed to go in with their agent to the big movie studio and negotiate a proper deal, and say that they were in that new hit movie? "It debuted at #6!" Ned Tanen's relative will say, dryly, looking over their glasses at you. How do you spin that into gold?
And our last debut this week is a story of a Marine and her dog called Megan Leavey. You might have seen ads for it on the IMDb, for one. Those ads seem to have dried up now... now that it's bombing. Well, you know how it is. Us Americans, you know, we support our troops... just not always at the box office.
Okay, one last brain fart about President Pussy-Grabber MacDouchebag. He pulled America out of the Paris Climate Agreement... insert filthy joke here... and he justified it by saying, among other terribly newsworthy things, "I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris." Three thoughts about this. First of all, I would be remiss as an unrepentant movie buff to offer my improvement. I mean, he could have said "I was elected to represent the citizens of Paris, Texas... not Paris, France." Much more clever. Then, of course, being Trump, he'd have to add "And what's the deal with French women not shaving their armpits? How gross is that? It's like they've got extra vaginas under their arms. So disgusting. So disgusting, folks." Second thought: Pittsburgh is actually with Paris. And third, I couldn't help but think to myself... then go to Wikipedia to confirm it... what's the population of Pittsburgh? The city proper's about 300,000, the whole metropolitan area about 2.3 million. So Trump represents about 2.3 million Americans, therefore. But isn't the whole country about 300 million? What about the other 297.7 million Americans, Mr. President? Don't you represent them, too?
This brain fart was brought to you by BranePhart. BranePhart! Also available in chocolate. Also, get ready, America, because come February 15th, 2018, "BranePhart: Mall Cop Part 3" will be hitting theaters in IMAX and... regular theaters. Whatever the non-IMAX ones are called.