Sunday, January 07, 2018

Insidious: The First Box Office

...of 2018, that is!  And I could theoretically keep it short this week.  Man, did I have a day today.  Not my typical day; had to do that last big push before you move someone out of a house, you know?  Guess my back doesn't hurt too bad; ought to be able to do the day job tomorrow.
But back to the reason I should keep this blog post short.  There was only one debut this week!  The latest installment of a Blair-Witch type franchise deal called Insidious.  According to its IMDb "Connections" page, this is the fourth installment.  But like most sequels these days, they're ashamed of the dreadful Roman numeral that used to accompany sequels once upon a time back in the day, a mere stone's throw ago.  Instead it's called, full disclosure... Insidious: The Last Key.  Of course, with a performance like it had this weekend (edging out the latest Star Wars, no less!) it probably won't be the last installment of this franchise.  They could probably squeeze out a prequel or two.  Guess they're too proud to go Netflix or Amazon Prime with it... I know, I know, it's just called "Prime" now, with that little smirk.  Maybe they should call it "Smug, 90 Billion Dollar Smirk Prime."  They could team up with DreamWorks Animation and call it The DreamWorks Amazon Prime Smug Smirk Happy Hour, and premier it on HBO!  You know, just to stick it to the doubters out there.  Reclaim the dominion that TV once held not so long ago.
...where was I?  Oh, right.  One last thought about the Insidious franchise.  The star of this franchise apparently is no less than Lin Shaye... that's right, a close relation to big shot and former head of New Line Cinema Bob Shaye.  I think she's just relieved that 2001 Maniacs is no longer in her IMDb Top 4.  Man, that was getting old.  It's good, but not THAT good!
No, the big story this week is the rise, then fall, then rise again of that Jumanji reboot.  Whatever you'd call it.  It's making so much bank that they're thinking of doing author Chris Van Allsburg's The Z was Zapped... Might have a hard time padding the alphabet out to feature length, though.  Maybe they could get the brains behind Paris, Je T'Aime to whip something together, get 26 international directors together.  You know, get Catherine Breillat to change it to "The R was raped."  Or maybe make it a Disney attraction where you go into a room with ten screens in a circle around your head, and you watch a movie.  You know, cinema in the round.  And then, when the camera pans down, everyone gets sea sick and throws up.  Lucky they have one of those floors made of wire mesh, right?  Tee hee hee.  But back to Jake Kasdan, director of said Jumanji.  He still gets to thumb his nose at brother Jon at the Thanksgiving table in the Kasdan household.  But Jake won't get to sing "Are you Bombing, Are you Bombing, Brother Jon?  Brother Jon?" much longer, because... why, look!  Brother Jon is getting into the Star Wars business!  Lock, stock and two smoking Tie Fighter barrels!  Time for another Star Wars prequel, my friends!  Now, sure, Jake could be cruel and look at that credits list and say "An assist from dad, eh?  AGAIN?"  Oh, but he wouldn't stoop to that.  Father Lawrence has to break them up yet again and say "I'm proud of both of you... just don't make me watch your movies, please."

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