Auteur Watch - H. M. Coakley

I better do this now or it'll never get done.  So, to continue my thoughts about movie posters, let's take Cleaver Family Reunion as an example.  Here's a link to its "poster."  See, the blue band at the top is usually where the phrase "Blu-Ray" is supposed to go, but alas, not everything makes it to Blu-Ray these days, despite what a trip to a pawn shop might otherwise suggest.  Instead it says "HD," which could mean an above-average picture quality on YouTube... which reminds me!  I currently have DISH(TM)(R)(C)... sorry for being such a corporate shill and all that.  You can skip this part.  But they now have a YouTube app or icon that you can select!  Sure, it's a bit of a pain in the ass to type in everything with a remote control, but they try to speed it up for you.  The point being, you can watch trailers for Cleaver Family Reunion now on your DISH TV!  Ain't that neat?  Or Meet the Cleavers, it's got both titles. 
Also, all these movies have a tag line... a good example of one escapes me at the moment.  Of course, the 50s, 60s and 70s had tag lines like "The Most Exciting Time You'll Have At the Theater All Year!"  Hokey stuff like that.  Here's some for the 1996 classic The Rock.  They pretty much write themselves.  Here's a WHOLE WEBSITE apparently dedicated to movie tag lines; no search feature, unfortunately.  And here's the tagline for Cleaver Family Reunion: "Welcome to crazy.  Welcome home."  Seemed quaint at the time.  Personally, I would've gone with "Home is where the Crazy is" but it's probably already taken, either by Deck the Halls or Surviving Christmas.  But it's like they said on the season opener for Season 4 of "Silicon Valley" - a guy sneered at Richard Hendricks "Oh, is it tough becoming a billionaire?"  Similarly tough becoming the next... I mean, America's Next Big Tyler Perry.  They're trying, though!  A lot.
It helps to not be afraid of sequels, of course.  I'm just assuming that Holla II answers all of the questions that Holla 1 left unanswered... independent features usually have to.  Sadly, Black Horror Movies didn't find the sequel satisfying.  I will say that the poster, well... I mean, that's more like a damn movie poster.  Cost more than the movie!  So worth it.  I don't know if I would've gone with the two Ls in "Holla" as lowercase, but whatever.  Also, do you really have to say it's H. M. Coakley's Holla II?  That's just plain old John Carpenter-style boasting.  Now, I know what you're thinking: the poster's just a ripoff of 2006's Slither.  Well, you beat me to it, plain and simple.  Credit where credit's due.
And so, the struggle continues.  Well, Coakley might have to settle for the day job: Unit Production Manager or some such.  But he or she is close to the big time.  Probably a he.  Take a show like "Black Jesus."  See?  Close to the big time!  Now, take further for example, the title of this one episode... maybe not quite the house of, say, Robert Klein's "I Can't Stop My Leg," but maybe on the same street.  That's just my particular bias, of course.  As a semi-pro critic, you of course have to have such things at your fingertips, your favourite moments of genius, ready to be regurgitated at a moments' notice.  Sure, maybe he's milked "I Can't Stop My Leg" for about all it's worth and beyond, but rightfully so, frankly.  The other one that comes to mind is Sons of the Desert, when the grieving wives are in the theatre and find out where the boys actually were... I know, I know, I'm an unrepentant snob.  I'll see Get Out one of these days, okay?  I acutally bought it at Fred Meyer, you know!  That and Blade Runner 2084... once these things get into a bankers' box, they're about as good as gone in my house.