Sunday, April 08, 2018

Auteur Watch: John Krasinski

I actually prepared a different main image for this week, but when even Yahoo! News picks up on the story, well... can't find the link now.  Never mind.  But my beloved, trusty source for all things Top 10 and beyond has it!  Something called A Quiet Place is #1 this week, quickly dethroning Ready Player One.  But I think every weekend in the Spielberg household is a happy one these days, despite what would be bad news in any other.  Still going pretty strong even though it's a 2.5 hour movie about video games!  Take 1989's The Wizard, for example.  One hour forty minutes!  Different era, I guess.  They used that to plug Super Mario 3 for some reason.  You'd think that would be a no-brainer to advertise.  One and two of that franchise did pretty well, right?
But I lose track again.  Probably for good reason, because I don't remember searching past any commercials for A Quiet Place during my usual TV shows.  You know, "The Daily Show", "Gotham", what have you... so let me be the first to say it.  Oscar(R) (C) (TM) nom for the cinematographer?  I mean, the visual aspect's kinda important for a movie that makes 50 million domestic the first weekend, right?  But I think I know why Krasinski made the bold leap into the directors' chair.  He probably got tired of his street cred of being too much like the character he played on "The Office" and what not.  And after doing that movie with Michael Bay, he took one long, hard look at that guy after doing his special workout for the role... I did a similar job for a while not too long ago.  Apparently the workout involves pushing heavy wheeled stuff around a lot, and probably not eating carbs.  Well, one day he was feeling a little rubbery and Bay stopped by and he thought... ugh.  Well, if that handsome-ish bastard can direct, well... hey!  Why not me?  John Krasinski?  I'm a big dumb white guy too!  And so, the pet project with his wife was bourne.  Yes, many a Hollywood marriage has been ruined over such a vanity project... the only one I can think of off the top is 1990's Paradise... dayamn, but I'm dating myself again, aren't I?  They showed probably the best part on TV when that "Miami Vice" dude was trashing the place.  Can't un-remember that, apparently.  Or hey!  What about Cleopatra that I just checked out from the library?  If only there were some sort of database where you could set the parameters so finely: husband and wife starring in a pic, with one of them directing... something that people have ACTUALLY HEARD OF.  There's probably all kinds of YouTube 6 minute shorts that fit the bill... ooh!  How about that home video of the wife with her hair stuck in the dishwasher, and the husband's just filming... sorry, VIDEOTAPING it... another 80s classic, but better use Safe Mode when Googling it.
But Krasinski can't badmouth Bay too much... Bay was one of the producers.  Well, that's one way to keep funding your little TransFormers movies!  On to the next debut called Blockers.  Here's the plot description: "Three parents try to stop their daughters from having sex on Prom Night."  I've been out of high school damn near 30 years now.  About time for my dad to pressure me anew into going to that reunion.  Now I'm no arch-Conservative, mind you, but I think I'm on the parents' side on this one.  Of course, the film might be as well.  But there's three girls, apparently, vying for a cinematic deflowering, which probably means that one of them actually will... the hottest one, of course.  And so the film will have to console this deflowered young maiden.  Can't be too proud of the fact, right?  Time for a not-so-sleazy variation on Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Maybe a road trip to an abortion-friendly state?  I'm also torn because "The Daily Show"'s Ronnie Chieng did a piece to help promote Blockers.  Unfortunately, the piece was about that fad called... hoh boy... we don't need a Spoiler Alert here, we need a Gross Alert... that fad called "Butt Chugging."  Why, it's right there in the capital letter B, ain't it?  It's the practice of filling your body with alcohol, but rectally!  ...see how I did that?  And judging from the clip of John Cena that I saw, you don't even have to stand upside down anymore!  But your grandfather will tell you all about it anyway.  "I used to go out to the pub, wear my formal Butt Chugging thong, and stand on my head for a half hour straight while they poured mug after frosty mug down the ol' Hershey highway!  You know, it used to be that mass consumption of alcohol would wrinkle your face somethin' awful!  But when you drink through your ass instead, the wrinkles instead just go right to your duodenum and what not!  Your face doesn't age, but good luck finding a comfy chair anymore!"
Okay, let's move on.  On to a different kind of gross cinematic crime.  Debuting at #7, stateside, it's a movie about Chappaquiddick, called Chappaquiddick.  It's about Ted Kennedy's road accident in... 1969?  1969.  They kept having the following IMDb ad for the movie, and I kept thinking to myself... what does Ted Cruz have to do with Chappaquiddick?  But no, it's not the junior Senator from the great state of Texas/ independent nation of Tejas.  Don't mess with Tejas, BTW.  No, it's just Australian actor Jason Clarke.  He's good, just not Joel Edgerton good.  I don't plan on seeing the movie, and I don't know the whole Chappaquiddick story, but we're just shy of the 50th Anniversary of the event... and apparently Chappaquiddick isn't known for anything else but this.  But here's my take on it... it's kinda the mission statement of this silly blog, after all.  After that terrible accident happened, Ted Kennedy went before the people of the State of Massachusetts and said "If you want me to step down, I will."  And I think the people of the great State of Massachusetts said to themselves, "Well... the guy did lose two of his brothers in horrible assassinations that will be taught til the end of time in grade school history classes... we'll give him a pass on this one.  If it happens again, sure, but not this time."  And if you're one of my followers, I'll understand if you want to de-follow me on that one.
Okay, let's move on to the next.  Our last debut is Wes Anderson's latest.  It says it's been out for three weeks already, but it's still a debut of sorts.  Apparently, his publicist said that Wes had such a good time making Fantastic Mr. Fox, that it was time to revisit that one as he plans the next 20 years of his career.  It's called Isle of Dogs, and he came up with the idea after watching Letters from Iwo Jima... something like that.  Or maybe it was after watching a PBS special on YouTube about Japan's famous cat island.  What, are dogs chopped liver all of a sudden?  Time to rectify that imbalance in the ongoing battle between cats and dogs.

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