Thursday, July 06, 2006

Screamin' Jay Hawkins - The Motion Picture

O Kenny Boy, the pipes the pipes are freezing... Guess it's not as lingering a story as the passing of, say, Ray Charles or Rosa Parks, ... or as big Heston's will be. There. Is that fair and balanced enough? CNN's web site doesn't have the story now, that's all I know. And Yahoo took down their candlelight vigil Flash animation. Then again, my conspiracy theory buddy's already on the case, speculating that there's a Chinese prisoner missing somewhere and now Ken's got a new face and is living in Acapulco, the land where the law leaves their slippers at the door. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then Jeff Gannon's unofficial blog was harping on and on about the new pet at the Oval Office, some old pudgy eggies-eating Chinese guy with these massive scars around his face who's just moved in to Kenny boy's old room! Face/Off sequel, here I come!
Which reminds me, you just don't see that many slashes or backslashes in movie titles anymore. Have we truly grown so accustomed to web conventions? Meanwhile, in other depressing news, all those rubes who picketed Akeelah and the Bee are learning the joys of labor, organizing and the like, tactics which used to belong to the working people of this country. There's yet another story about how it's time for another Tectonic shift in the way words are spelled in the English language. It's this kind of thing that makes me think more and more... I'm barely in the adult world myself, but today's High Schoolers must think all adults are just a raving bunch of a'dorks. (see David Ogden Stiers in Better Off Dead..., balance it out with his mighty football prowess in Creator...) Also that if this movement were gaining steam under Clinton's presidency, why the cognoscenti on the right would be howling from the aisles! George Will and Buckley would be decrying the fall of the once mighty Diphthong. The art of proofreading would gain cult status alongside chugging beer. This is why we need a Democrat in the White House again, so these kinds of things won't see the light of day in the national media.
In the instant case, the news story has the following sentence: "wuudn't it maek mor sens to spel wurdz the wae thae sound? " Holy Ghoti, Batman! The plan now is to show this sentence to third graders and ask them what they think, and all the third graders that think this new spelling is cooler get to live. Makes it simple, don't it? Me myself, I could go on and on about how I take humbradge... Whoops! I'm a Rube! I don't even know how to spell that damn word! ..UMBRAGE. That's it. I actually had this idea myself as a joke a while ago but didn't think to patent it, how it's taken off. Well, first of all, would and wood should BOTH be spelled 'wud'. Emphasis should then be placed on figuring out which is which by studying the context it's used in, and funding given exclusively to faith-based teaching approaches, especially those that encourage abstaining from writing on paper. You know, recycling! Saving the earth and all that feel-good good stuff. Sound should be spelled "sownd". Yeah, that's more like it. And 'make' shouldn't be 'maek', its 'mayke'. Every idiot knows that. More is not 'mor', it's "mohr". And the new 'words' is not "wurdz", it's "werdz". What's with the leaning towards the overusage of "u", anyway? Whatareya, DUTCH? Personally, I'm kinda glad 'it' and 'the' are staying the same, but I still think they don't look anything like they should be pronounced. I'm going to vow to make some progrefs this year in petitioning Congrefs about that. Meantime, there's two places where misspelled words reign supreme: the web, and the advertising world. Anyone remember Artic Blue beer? Or how about Bläk, the perfume by Robert Blake? That's the only two I can come up with off the top, but try finding an article online about them where all the words are spelled correctly! I bet you won't find alot!

Where was I? Oh yeah, better wrap this up, but the point being, the news is very weird and depressing these days, in varying degrees. But there was something of a silver lining last week or so. Our Dubya met with the Japanese Dubya, and they both went in peace and harmony to Graceland, because they're Elvis fans. See? I knew Mystery Train would come around eventually. Incidentally, isn't the President of the United States the last person in the world who should be saying "Hope for the best, and expect the worst" and really, seriously mean it? Just a thought.

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