Sunday, July 08, 2007

Boo-hoo Boffo Box Office all the way, baby!

Oh dear, skipped another week again! Well, can't I have a life of my own here? Besides, this is a week that REALLY counts. Last week the way was cleared for Evan Almighty, but now some fresh new titans have come to clean up some more. But let's start at the bottom of the heap and slowly finger our way through this non-alphabetized list of summer blockbusters.

Way at the bottom of the heap at #10 is the latest weepy chick-flick Evening. Can't get into it. Although I did notice that there was this girl, and damned if she wasn't the reincarnation of Meryl Streep, and after doing a little digging, come to find out ... Surprise, surprise! It IS the reincarnation of Meryl Streep! And her name is... Robin Tunney? No wait, that's not right. It's ... Mamie Gummer? Really? I dunno. Doesn't sound very showbiz, but she did change it from Bessie Lou Koslovsky. Seriously, though, Meryl, that's some strong-willed DNA you got there! Not that there's any pressure on young Mamie to succeed, but if you don't win the Oscar for this, you're out of the family!

Well, this probably won't be on the list next week, so let me give a brief shout out to the latest and greatest cameraman-turned-director Lajos Koltai. Congrats, Lajos, you've graduated from being an obscure cameraman to being an obscure director. Eat it, Andrzej! And move down a chair.

Sorry about being so grouchy. I'm still steamed over Home for the Holidays. Which brings us to #9 and it's Sicko. Sorry, Mike, it's not 2004 and you're not opening just ahead of Spider-Man 2. Still it's doing better than Bowling for Columbine, right? Michael Moore may be doomed to a lifetime of reviews including the words "polemic" and "manipulative", but what have YOU done about the nation's broken health care system lately? Huh?!!

At #8 it's ... okay, I'll use the full title: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Obligatory Three-quel. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I enjoyed it. What gives? Oh yeah, just remembered. I just saw a trailer for the next VeggieTales movie, something about them being pirates. Oh yeah, it's called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. I get it, they're supposed to be liberals, right? It'll make money because it only cost $20,000 to make, believe it or not! Sounds neat, guys. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Speaking of 3quels, at #7 it's Ocean's 13. Well, it crossed the 100 million dollar mark. That's all they really need, right? Right? Hey, where's the budget info?

At #6 it's The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 2. And it's doing even better than Ocean's 13! And Clooney's been crusading so hard for the old school ways, with the suit and a tie, and that big fancy-shmancy Warner Bros.-sponsored casino of his. That'll show you for not letting me in!!! Bastards!


And now the cream of the crop. #5 brings us Fantastic Four 2, which, if I know my movie math correctly, that makes it the Fantastic Eight? Seriously though, aren't there four new characters as compared with the last one?

At #4 it's Room 237. No, I mean 1408. And it's not the Overlook Hotel, it's the Dolphin Hotel. Man, what is wrong with this thing? Better move on, and quickly.

At #3 it's Evan Almighty, universally trashed by critics, so why's it doing so well? Such confusing, conflicted times we live in. And apparently, the CGI in the photo I posted is already better than anything in the movie! Well, I hope all the filmmakers enjoy spending their 15.1 million pieces of silver. Boy, inflation's really gone up in the past 2000 years, dontcha think?

At #2 it's Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Great title. Makes me want to see the fifth one for the title alone. Well, sorry guys, but the ol' Wednesday release trick didn't work for you. Did you let Kevin Smith write his own dialogue? Big mistake. Really big mistake.

And finally, the little movie that could, at #1 it's Pixar 8.0 aka Ratatouille. And even more impressively it's stormtrooping its way through the ranks of the IMDb Top 250! Eat it, Senator Lasseter! Five kids? Damn! This'll re-think computer nerds for somebody. Anyway, congratulations, Brad Bird. Another one-time Spielberg protegé does well. You know what this means? It's time to dust-off the greatest unproduced script in your script cabinet: your own life story with Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead! But would it be too much to ask if you let him bark like a dog this time? Peace out. :)

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